Mskim

The 18th is my moms birthday... we celebrated our birth month too.... the phone calls the little gifts, the plans!! I did it to her, she did it to me. WHat are we doing today mom? Oh i wish I could ask her.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((((((((((Val, sons, daughters))))))))))

It always amazes me when I come in here (which is not nearly as often as I used to) how EVERY post feels like I wrote it myself. From being angy and not being able to understand how to be with my children (I am considering family therapy) to getting pissed at the girl across the street for treating her mom badly. The race for the cure was this weekend... a sea of pink.... while I support breast cancer awareness (I have a couple of those breasts myself) I always feel compelled to quote statistics of LUNG CANCER that has no CURE either.

I watched this show on PBS the other day. 'The Truth About Cancer'. My husband was angry at me, thinking I was torturing myself. It was just before mom's birthday. I couldn't turn it off. It may be too hard or fresh for some but it has a lot of info about where cancer treatment is headed. You can watch it online. Hugs... http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/cancer/

This Saturday will be 2 years, last week was her birthday (see the pic) and now was that last trip to Seattle that I still look back at and wonder if she would have had months more, instead of days had I not taken her. Anyway.... I have read through some posts and each one touched on bits of me. We are all so much the same, daughters, sons, wives and husbands. I am getting used to this new life but wish it didn't have to be this way. So lonely and alone, even though I am married with children and surrounded by friends. I am getting to know my young children and trying to over come the endless repercussions of living in a fog after dad was killed 4 1/2 years ago and of somewhat abandoning them during the 11 months of care and the year after the death of my beautiful Mom. I am still kind of recreating myself by filling my life with new friends and immersing myself in the kid's lives. There are days when I am on my knees, begging to go back and have one more day, and other days that I am grateful that I have made it this far without driving my family away. It is much like I was put in a blender and mixed up... all the same ingredients but changed from the inside out. I am not sure about who I am quite yet. I know I have to concetrate on being kind to people and not judging them. I have always been a bit of a pessimist but now I worry about my health and my family's and I have a cynical and sarcastic side. I do know I just have to keep moving forward and think if I am this much better at 2 years, (and almost 5 with my dad), then it has to keep getting better and I will learn to like this new life. One somewhat bittersweet thing is that I have lost 70 pounds. I just wish she was here to see it. I wish I had made an effort when she was alive. It was so much of a handicap for me and was one thing she couldn't fix with hugs or a checkbook. (she was fabulous and taught me well about retail therapy) BUT there are some things that we accomplish that only praise from our mother can make real for us. Weight loss for me is one of them, and oh how I wish she could have stuck around to see my babies grow... Though I know there will be lot's of 'she can see them and she is with you' I would rather have her right here, in person. I read recently how death of your mother is like a giant weight and at first you cannot bear it. It makes your knees buckle and it pulls you backwards and under. As time passes, you can pull it behind you, but it still wears you down and you have to change positions constantly to move it. As you grow stronger, the bag is always there, weighing the same, but seems to move a little easier. Eventually you can carry it on your back without it knocking you down. I think that I am almost to this point. I will be grateful when I can throw it over my shoulder and give it credit for my strength.

I am so glad I came in today, something pulled me. We went through about the same time and I get and feel what you are saying. You made me feel a little more normal, while people around me are kind of wondering what is wrong. Why am I on my knees again??

((((Kelly))) If I wasn't ready to let loose of all the tears I've been holding in these weeks leading up to Easter, then her Birthday, then her death, I would be able to wax poetic about how I am walking with you. I only pray we all can break free form the 'muck'. Maybe when the sun shines brighter? Sending you hugs...

(((Michelle)) I have the best friends who don't get it. I have ones who take advantage or sem ungrateful for what they have. Is that how we were before? I choose not to remember. I think I went through phases as I got older and more mature and a family of my own I grew to appreciate her more. Maybe your friends will too or maybe, sit down with them one night, with a bottle of wine and just say it. Say girls, you know this thing in my life has crushed me beyond what you can comprehend or see. I know I don't have to tell you this for you, but I have to say it to help ME heal, PLEASE look at your mom an a new light. Look at everything she has to offer and teach. Look at all the Love she gives that not even she is aware of it. When she calls and is bugging you, think of what it would be like to not have the call at all. (I have lain by the phone praying for it to ring... knowing it never would) WHen they complain about having to go to moms house, say, well, it is a beautiful thing you can go there. I know they don't want to hear it all again but maybe it will remind them to at least hold their mom's little closer next time they hug goodbye. Haveing been through the father deal (well stepfather so maybe easier for me to LET GO although I haven't) I realized that it is better to have him here than have NOBODY (my real dad died too) so anyway, that's not my point. When the time comes, get together with you siblings and stand firm on the idea that you do not want a new woman at the lake house. I know it may sound selfish or it may even be wrong, but ask for this one concession. I tell you, I walked into my mothers house and had no clue that his new wife would be standing there cleaning out mom's kitchen. Seeing her stand there with my grandmother's teapot wth that bleach smelling rag (my mom would have never bleached it) threw me into such a rage that I don't remember driving home. I know this is extreme and immature but you know what else? I feel I had handled myself with grace long enough and I think my mom would have agreed with my reaction, heck she would have made me peel out of the driveway. You don't want to see the replacement in such a sacred place, not yet anyway. Maybe someday. SOO I have gone on and on here making it about me again... Does it ever get better, are you ever truly happy again? I am nearly 2 years from mom and over 4 from dad. I think at moments yes. Things will always happen to bring you down but they get more gentle (as Katie says often). Some still bring you to your knees, but really a few sad days in the month of happy ones are alot better. I never knew I would use the word BITTERSWEET so much in my life. The most painful times are reliving things that we did together special, just her an I, and I try at all costs to avoid this.

(((Connie)))

I know it has been too long since I have been here. I lurk now and then but really I have found it hurts too much to write out anything anymore, until today of course. Today I opened a big black garbage bag that I retrieved from my step dad. It has been riding around in the back of the Suburban for a couple of weeks now, kind of haunting me. When I picked it up, he also gave me the paperwork for the storage unit that contains the remains of all that was my Mother (material things at least. Of course her clothes were gone, I was forced to do that just after she died but now I have everything in a big cold closet across town for only $113 a month. He has moved on into a completely new life complete with a wife, a teenage son and 2 more grown sons and a grandchild. He doesn't even want the pictures. ANYWAY, back to the bag. In it is the 3 memory boards from the funeral. Opening the bag was like sitting down at their dining room table, the house still smelling and feeling like her, to sort through and try to sum her up in 100 pictures or less, while still trying to process the fact that I will never lay eyes on her, hear her, smell her or ask her or show her or tell her anything ever again. Almost two years later I am again brought to my knees. It never ends does it?

Hi Val, yeah... what they said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF you haven't walked in my shoes then don't even pretend to know what it's like. My BEST friend has said to me on more than one occasion... "we all have to go through it. Eventually we lose our parents." WELL f#$K u. I still love her but times like that that is all that comes to mind. Not very nice thoughts from a nice Christian girl like me.

I know too.. I thought I would just check to see how you all are. I have been avoiding. Thanksgiving was just for me like you and Katie. I could have written your posts myself. You are all in my prayers. This reality still and always crushes my heart.

I am so sorry Welthy. You and your family are in my prayers

((((((((((((((Lori))))))))))))))) There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said. When my dad died, the second year was worse, not that the first wasn't bad, but I missed hime more and more as time wore on. Now with mom, there are days when I am right back down on my knees again. I wish I had something to help you more, I know it is harder now when I am having trouble for anyone to understand. I get that look, even from my husband that says... gee Kim, its been a year and half... I even caught him saying those ugly words... you know, everyone loses their parents eventually. He ate them quickly. Hugs and prayers for you Lori.

((Nick)) I am glad you found a way to connect with her and memorialize her. I picture you 3 or so years from now hoing a little girl's hand, guiding her from lilac to lilac, smelling the blooms as you go.