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tom

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  1. My partner passed away October 27. One of his daily routines for many years was to make sure our answering machine was turned on whenever we left the house. He was an attorney and he had clients, etc. always calling him. Anyway, he could be pulling away from the house and he’d go back to make sure that the machine was turned on. We had many discussions about why this was so necessary. If I forgot to do it he’d get on my case. I could care less that the machine was always turned on. The second week after his death, his son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter stayed with me for the weekend. Several times when we returned from being out the answering machine was turned on and there were messages. I didn’t turn it on and I just thought that his son did. He also hadn’t touched the machine. This happened each time we left the house throughout the entire weekend. I kept turning it off and then it would turn itself back on. The following week I made sure the machine was turned off because his voice was on the machine. When I came home from work several times, the machine was turned on. I thought I was going crazy. This never happened all the years we were together. One day I just decided to make sure the machine was off and when I got to work called the house. The machine was on and his voice was answering the calls. I don’t know what this means but some friends told me it’s his way of letting me know he’s still around. In some ways that’s very comforting.
  2. tom

    i lost my best friend

    Leah, So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom and best friend. It must be very difficult for you. I recently lost my partner of more than 23 years and it really hurts. I don't know if I can help you out but I've read two good books on grieving, which helped me understand the stages of grieving and why we are experiencing such strong waves of emotions. Understanding the process may help you deal better with your grief. The books are as follows: The Mourning Book by Helen Fitzerald Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life by Jill Brooke Also, the following websites provided some very good insights on the grieving process and I found them very helpful and comforting. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm http://www.acponline.org/public/h_care/10-griev.htm http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/grief.html I've also been keeping a journal almost daily about how I feel. I write everything down, all my emotions, joy, anger, sadness and pain. For some reason, writing it down gets it out of my system because I don't have anyone to talk to at home anymore and it's lonely. For me the grieving process started 18 months ago when my partner was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. Hope this helps. Tom
  3. I haven't posted much to this Board but it has been very comforting to me over the course of battling this disease. My partner of 23.5 years was diagnosed in April 2003 with stage IIIB inoperable lung cancer. He went through a variety of chemo and radiation treatments, had pleural effusion, and finally in July of this year it metastasized to his brain, spine, left lung and liver. He finished CyberKnife treatments 3 weeks ago. He was the most courageous person I ever knew. He never complained and always thought of others first. Even when the prognosis was poor he managed to smile and tell me not to worry. He never gave up hope and even on the day he died he wanted to know if he could get his chemo in the hospital room. His thoughts were of me not of himself. He went to work even after he got chemo because he didn't want to be a burden on others. I was with him to the end. I'll never forget it. I'm at a loss for words. He was a wonderful and caring individual and a loving partner and father. I don't know what I'm going to do alone without him. So often I read him stories from this board of people who offered hope and news about clinical trials and success stories. It’s a great place for people suffering with this disease. Thanks to everyone for sharing your intimate details about your lives. It helped us cope. Tom
  4. Hi everyone, My name is Tom. My partner and I have been together for 22 years and this past Thursday (4/24) he was diagnosed with adenocarcinoman staged IIIB. He's 60 years old and has a large mass in his right lung with malignant plueral, which colapsed his lung last week. He had it drained and was feeling better. He has to have an operation in 2 weeks to seal the lung so it wont happen again. This all started with a persistent cough about 2 months ago. He starts Chemo Therapy (not sure which drugs) next Tuesday at the Georgetown University Cancer Center in Washington D.C. He was entered into a clinical trial that is currently in progress - Tegratin (sp?) a vitamin A analog. I'm so glad this message board is here. I was reading through the messages and they provided me with hope. I'm very scared and can't imagine a life without him. We've gone through so much in life together and now this. I'm trying to deal with my feelings of deep sadness and at the same time learn all I can about this disease so I can provide strong support. This past week has been very very hard. I know I have to be emotionally strong and take charge of this stuation. When I tell family about it I cry and it's been hard to get a good night sleep. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
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