cindy0519

There is a quote about a girls first true love being her father....tomorrow morning marks 5 years since my "first true love", my Daddy, left this earth. I feel a bit odd coming here since I haven't been on for so long. I "peek in" now and then and pray for everyone always..but but somehow tonight I really just needed to post here. This time of the year is always very difficult. Dad's last conscious day was Father's Day. This was the last day I saw his scruffy face smile, heard him grumble about things that others were doing that made him grumpy, this night was to be our last hug/kiss good night, the last time he told me he loved me...oh, if I'd have only known how final that kiss/hug and I love you were I miss him more than I might have ever imagined and long to simply have him back...even for a moment. And yet I am still so surrounded by his "presence"....I had to quickly go to the restroom to avoid crying in front of my team at lunch today..we were eating a a hole in the wall chili dog place and I found myself bought to tears by being surrounded by mounted elk, deer, javelina, and a buffalo heads. My Dad was avid hunter and had all of these same mounts in his home. I was fine and then suddenly I was totally overcome with emotion just looking at the stupid mounts in this little chili dog place. Yesteday while driving, and thinking of him (ok...and shedding a few tears ) the song "Love Without End, Amen" suddenly came on the radio. This was a song which he told me, while he was sick, that he wanted to dance to at my wedding as it decribed perfect how he felt about his children. We danced instead to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" because it decribed how I feel about him and he told me any song would be fine with him I find myself thinking that it should be getting easier, and most days I suppose it is...but these days are just so DAMN HARD! I know he would be hate me being this way and so I allow myself these moments and move on with life as he would have wanted but WOW..for these moments it is just simply all I can do to just breath in. Thanks for listening and for giving me a place to just " live in this moment" .... I need it every now and then! My thoughts and prayers are will you always, Cindy

This song tocuhes me in a way I somehow find very comforting and though others might as well...hope you enjoy! Here is a link to the song on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkKnTl7oVUQ Here are the lyrics: Artist: Krauss Alison Song: Away Down the River Album: A Hundred Miles Or More: A Collection Baby dry your eyes There's no need to cry Cause I'll see you again It might be a while Before you understand Chorus: I'm just away down the river A hundred miles or more Crossing over Jordan To the other shore I'll be standing waiting With all who've gone before I'm just away down the river A hundred miles or more Now the pictures on the wall Will help you to recall They're not there To make you sad But to remember All the good times we had (Chorus) (Instrumental) When it's time to leave You're gonna feel the mountain breeze And the snow will fill the stream And carry you to me (Chorus)

I haven't posted here for a long time....and yet somehow just needed to today. Today would have been my Dad's 70th birthday. There isn't a day passes without at least some small thought of him and of how very much I miss him. 3 1/2 years have passed now since he left us and most days I can now think of him and laugh rather than cry... he was such a huge part of my life...my rock and foundation! There's nobody like my Dad...I miss him so very much today and every day. Happy Birthday in heaven Daddy! Wishing you were here to hug tightly and tell how much you mean to me and our family. I love you mucho!! And this is all the :cry: I will do today, I promise!

If I were the king of the world..

I think that this quick loading video says far more than I could ever do with words. God Bless our Troops!!! And may God continue to Bless America!! If I Die Before You Wake - Powered by Flashpoint http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose. And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows. The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door. The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before. Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, "I love you even more this year, than last year on this day." "My love for you will always grow, with every passing year." She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine. She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there. A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate. With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door. She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain, Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain? "I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know." "The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance." "Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance." "There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year. There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago." "Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here, That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year." She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card. Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote... "Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone, I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome." "I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife." "You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years." "When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, That we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still." "Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock." "He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt, To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him, And place the roses where we are, together once again." ~ Author Unknown

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. My deepest sympathy! Cindy

((VAL))) No words of great wisdom....just many warm wishes for a Happy Birthday! Cindy

So sorry...my deepest sympathy. Cindy

You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers! Cindy

Here I sit weeping... I recall the panicked trip from Ohio to Arizona where my Dad was. Knowing the end was near and yet so very deparately not wanting it to be so was pure HELL! And then suddenly from no where in the last week while Dad was in a hospice inpatient facility..we found PEACE...an overwhelming and very comforting sense of peace that is really hard to explain to those who have not experienced it firsthand but it was SUCH A BLESSING! We had the best week just spending time with each other and cherishing each and every second. My Dad too never talked of death and said the same "it's not time yet" right up until the bitter end. But those last few days were remarkable for our family as I am sure they are for yours. Cling tightly to them in the days ahead, these memories and the love of your family will see you through what is to come. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May your Dad find comfort in his family and peacefully make his way to heaven. I'm too am SO VERY sorry that you must go through this..but very glad that you are able to be there. May the peace of God's grace be with you always! Cindy

Lori, WOW...your post speaks directly to my heart. I wish I had words yet the only that come to mind are...you are not alone, I am right there with you. Grief has moved in full time here to. Praying you find peace and comfort soon! Cindy

(((Rochelle))) Today would have been my Dad's 67th birthday. While I got to have him here with me awhile longer than you did your mother....it still hurts like hell! As many have said already be kind to yourself. Your mother loved you for who you are..faults and all! Happy Birthday! to your Mom and PEACE to you, Cindy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD, not a day passes when you are not in my thoughts,my prayers and in my heart! While you are not bodily here I know that your spirit and love is with us always. Today would have been Dad's 67th birthday. A lot of "first" are hitting me all at once..thanksgiving, christmas, a new year and now his birthday. It's just so damn hard and hurts like hell...most days it seems even harder now than when he died in June. I have been VERY busy with work and sort of taking the approach of staying so busy that I don't have time to think about it. Frankly, denial is a great coping mechanism for me most days. When I actually allow myself time to think about it all - its almost an all consumming feeling of emptiness and sadness. I know he would not want for me (or anyone he knew and loved for that matter) he always said loud and clear that his one wish would be that our lifes would go on as normal, that we wouldn't greive for him. So I try to pick myself up and tackle one day at a time but I'd be lying if I didn't admit how darn difficult it is at times! I allow myself to cry and feel sad..but only in small spurts - then I think of Dad and how often he told me "life should go on" and it often makes me grin and sometime even chuckle (did he really think we could not grieve??? )..so I wipe away the tears and get on with life. I have been reading everyones post and often sit and shed a tear while shaking my head in agreement and feeling the pain of recalling many of the same events and emotions that many here post about. I haven't been able to bring myself to post. I have tried many times but end up deleting the reply. I don't really feel like I "know" how to be an uplifting voice right now and don't want to add to others suffering - so I just read and often weep with you. Wishing you all a peaceful and love filled new year! Cindy

Andrea, I have twin granddaughters that were born at 26 weeks with weights of 1lb 2ounces and 13 ounces due to TTTS. The larger baby and donor(Destiny) spent just over 3 months in the NICU and the smaller baby and recipient(Faith)spent almost 8 months in the NICU. The complications and challenges that both babies faced were nothing short of amazing and very very heart wretching! In our case (thank God!) neither baby died though we did have many, many, many touch and go times with Faith and still continue to have issues today (it is highly unlikely that she will see her 5th birthday due to the many complications that she continues to battle related to the TTTS). Having experienced the effects of TTTS and sat in the NICU for many, many long days and nights I would suggest the following ideas: * if you can find micro premie clothes or even doll clothes that don't look like doll clothes they would be very good. When you can finally put "clothes", even just a cap, on your child for the first time it is SO incredible and something you long for since doing things like this make you feel like your baby is "normal". Often the NICU has some things but nothing is the same as putting your child in "their own clothes"! * the NICU staff told us music was soothing for the babies and made them breath, maintain stable vitals and grow better- so any CD's of baby themed music or relaxing sounds and a small (the NICU is very crowded) CD player would be a good idea * same as a caregiver for a cancer patient - I'm sure mom and dad are spending every waking moment in the NICU - maybe you can offer to run errands, do laundry, wash dishes etc. I know next to nothing got done at my house for quite a long time as it was more important to be at the hospital than mopping a floor * Ask mom or dad if they would like company for a while at the NICU - I can't tell you how many times I sat alone in the NICU and it would have been nice to have a some company sometimes * Maybe a couple of books on caring for a preemie. The Preemie Parents Companion: The Essential Guide to Caring for Your Preemie in the Hospital, at Home, and Through the Years by Susan L. Madden was at each isolette in the NICU the girls were in and was so helpful in explaining some of the things and medical terms we encountered that we bought one for home too. Sorry to right a book. Also if they haven't found it yet there is a TTTS Foundation and with a simple phone call they can get a packet of information that will be very helpful. They also have a discussion board that is fairly active and offers some much needed support. The website is http://www.tttsfoundation.org/nicusupport.html I can only imagine how difficult this time is for your friends. In the 8 months we were in the NICU we saw many families experience this heartache and it left me breathless each and every time. I will definately keep your friends and their babies in my prayers. I pray the stay in the NICU is short and the baby continues to progess to a strong and healthy child! Cindy