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jackieb410

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  1. I'm hanging in there. Luckily I've got two toddlers to keep me busy. But it's still hard. I'm either curled up in a ball wanting nothing but to fall asleep forever or I'm going 90 MPH cleaning, running around town doing errands, or hanging out with friends. I want normal back but I don't think that will come anytime soon. Missing my mommy, Jackie
  2. On Nov. 19 they told my mom she had two months to live. She lived 2 months 9 days. I feel so empty and lost. I know that I should be grateful that she didn't suffer very long. But I wanted her to be here a least a year. I wanted her to prove them wrong. On Jan. 28 she was still fighting her battle with LC but was not eating, drinking or waking up. Hospice was saying that a normal person would have passed away already. I thought maybe she was waiting for me to tell her it was okay to die. So I had my sister put the phone to her ear and I told her that I loved her and that I would miss her but that it was okay to leave us now. I told her that I would see her again in heaven some day. An hour later my sister called me back crying saying mom passed away. She told me about 10 minutes after that phone call her heart stopped and that she was still trying to breath. So they all stood around her and prayed and told her to stop fighting. They said she relaxed and gave her final breath. My brother (who's been sober for 60 days now) said she looked at peace. I cried so hard but I knew that I had set her free from her earthly body. She wasn't in pain anymore. I flew out for the funeral and stayed with my sister and we actually became pretty close through all this. She says she's going to call me whenever she was going to call mom. I told her I'd call her too. There is an emptiness inside me and I feel like I need something. Eating isn't helping. It doesn't fill the hole I have now. I just need to let time heal my heart and pray for strength. I want to be as strong as my mom. She handled so much in life as a single mom. I'm lucky to have a loving husband that helps me with our kids and that I can be a stay at home mom. I just want to make my mom proud of me by being a great mom to my kids. This loss is hard. It makes me think of my own mortality. I look at my two girls and think about how someday they'll have to go through what I'm going through. I wish I could spare them that pain but I know that if I do my job right they'll be strong women that will be able to handle anything. God be with all of your hearts as they heal from the pain of loss. Jackie
  3. Well life is what it is. I feel like curling up into a ball and hiding. My MIL is going to have a Whipple done on the 18th. She'll be in the hospital for three weeks. So she'll be in the hospital for Christmas. I've heard that the Whipple is tricky. I'm scared that she might not make it. So my plan is to stay in town for that and also for Christmas to make sure she's in the clear. I was planning on going back to CA to see my mom. I'm not sure when that will happen now. I also don't know how much time we have with her. I told my sister to let me know if there's any change in mom so I can fly out right away. As for treatment... My mom is on hospice. They do acupressure, pain control, and other things for comfort. I'm sure she could do Chemo but she's not sure she wants to be so sick from it. I'm praying she doesn't suffer much. Cancer is so awful! Why is it attacking my family??? Is cancer stress related? The book I got said to analyze major losses in your life a year or two prior to dx. My mom lost her little sister unexpectantly. I moved cross country. 5 years ago my son was stillborn. Could all of this have started the cancer to grow??? And then my MIL went through a lot last year. Selling her house, moving cross country, retiring from her job that she had for 30 years, spending more time with her husband. (LOL) That last one might really be the cause of it all. But I can see that stress can affect you negatively. But if that's so then maybe reducing stress can help. I'll suggest it. But of course it's up to them to take the steps to do something about stress. I appreciate all the info and support you all have given me. I will keep you all in my prayers as well. I know that God is holding me in His arms and giving me strength to deal with this disease. All we can do is trust in His will. God bless, Jackie
  4. I'm back from my trip to CA. It was a good one and I feel very good about having seen my mom for Thanksgiving and that she got to see my two daughters again. I'm planing to go back for Christmas. But just found out my husband's mom has cancer. no one seems to know where it is though. Pancreas? Near bile duct. The weird thing is that it didn't show up on CT. She had a stint put in and they saw a mass and biopsied it. It was pre cancerous but now they went back in and found more masses and said it's cancer. I don't know how much more I can take. I can't have my girls lose both grandmas! And then I'm torn between who to spend Christmas with. I know my mom is dying. But when? She's tired and has some pain but other than that she was really good. We all took pics with her and she's eating okay. Not as much as she used to though. My sisters and I saw the social worker. It really helped because my sis had an anxiety attack because I want to still believe that mom will live. She was telling me to not do or say things to upset anyone. So I got to tell my side of the story and it was good because my sister didn't understand that I still have feelings of helplessness from losing my son and that I want to feel like I'm doing something to help my mom. So we hugged and did better relating to each other. My mom said that she's going to be here next year for Thanksgiving. I hope so. She's amazing and I know that if she believes then it's possible. But she'll really have to get her mind and spirit into it too. I bought her cherries and strawberries because they are supposed to help fight cancer. Let's hope she eats them. well I'll let you know if anything changes. I feel better knowing I can call the social worker to find out about mom. Seems like my sis has her with one foot in the grave. But I don't think mom is that close yet. She's so strong. It's hard to imagine that she'll die someday. I'm ready for it but I just don't want it to happen yet. God be with us all, Jackie
  5. Really bad news. Talked with my sister tonight and she says mom is in a lot of pain. She's also constipated from the pain pills. No energy at all. Doesn't want to spend time with friends and family. Just wants to be left alone. I'm so worried about her. I don't what it's like to be told you're dying and to be in a lot of pain but I can imagine it's not fun at all. So maybe it's unrealistic of me to think she's going to party it up for the remainder of her life. I'm so depressed right now. Just crying off and on. I'm irritable. I wanted my mom to fight this and she said she would but it sounds like she's giving up and just waiting to die. I did talk to the Onc today on the phone and he said that there is treatment but my mom didn't want it. He said that it would only give a couple more months and that she'd be sick off and on with the treatment for a couple weeks at a time. She wouldn't be able to do anything when she's sick and he thought that where she's at that she's better off without it. gotta run. I'll update you. Jackie
  6. Thanks. I'll try posting in the small cell. I guess it's just everywhere. I talked more with my mom and she's sounding a little lost. But I got the book, 50 Essential things to do. It sounds very positive. At the least it will make dealing with the disese more plesant. (If that's possible). I just hope she still has the fight in her. I think she just needs a little time to come to grips with what she's been told. I'm planning on calling the doc today. Wish me luck. Love, Jackie
  7. I am so f*ing mad! I just talked with my sis today and she and mom went to the onc and they told her that there is no treatment to help her. How can they say that????? I thought we could try Chemo or Tarceva or something. I know it's stage IV small cell and really, really bad. But I can't believe doctors would say, "Can't do anything." They are going to have Hospice call us tonight or tomorrow. So basically they tell my mom 2 months. They are giving her pain meds (Oxycotten sp?) and something for the cough. I'm just furious. I'm so ready to fight this and I felt like my mom was too. But now we're being told that there's nothing we can do. I think I'll insist on a 2nd opinion. I also want to try acupunture and diet to see if that can help. Maybe some self help tapes. But I'm really afraid that after what the docs told my mom today that she'll just give up and wait to die. I didn't get a change to talk much with her because of all the people at her house so I told her I'd call her tomorrow to talk. I bought a book tonight about healing cancer and what to eat to help fight it. I don't know if it's a waste but I'm just not ready to lose my mom. I'm also thinking about bringing her home with me after I visit her. I think if they aren't doing treatment anyway why would she have to stay there. I'm lucky that I have such good friends in my life. I called my doctor friend to ask her opinion and she said that I should get a 2nd opinion on treatment plan. Also I'm going to call the doc direct and talk with him. I want to know if he's thinking Chemo will be too hard on her or what. Also I had coffee with some great friends tonight who all held me in there arms. It was like God's arms around me giving me strength. I have to admit I cussed a bit at Him after I got off the phone with my sis. But we've made up now. LOL. I am grateful for this website/support group. Thank you so much. I need hope and faith during this life trial. Oh! one of my friends tonight said that a doctor in CA had cancer and started watching comedy movies all the time. The cancer went away and he's now in his 90's. Not sure if it's true but it doesn't sound like a bad way to go. Laughing. Not giving up! Jackie
  8. Thank you all for your encouraging words. I'm hopeful that my mom can beat this. I'm just so mad at her GP. My mom is HMO and her doc was always about saving money not doing the tests she needed. Plus other health issues masked symptoms of LC. I just hope chemo works. How does everyone feel about acupuncture? My mom brought it up and I thought it would be worth trying. Thanks again for all your prayers. She sees the Onc on Thurs. I'll let you know what type of treatment they suggest. Jackie
  9. My mom was dx with LC today. The lung specialist just told her that it's StageIV and that she only has a couple months without treatment. My mom said she'll do whatever she can to fight this. I cried so hard. It's going to be so hard for her. She already had problems before getting cancer. Diabetes, High blood pressure, asthma, High cholestrol, She's on 11 meds for everything. Hasn't started treatment yet for LC. Oh and heart problems too. My mom is a mess. She's so tired and out of breath. I wish they could just treat that so her last days on earth are easy. But maybe the chemo will work and she'll still be here a year from now. My mom just turned 73 so she's no spring chicken. But I want my mom to be here another 5 years or more. I have two toddlers and I'm not sure what to say to them. I've told them Gma Betty is sick. I went to see her for a week before we knew how bad it was because I was so worried about her dying before I got to see her. She lives in CA and I live in AL. I wish I was just down the street. my girls and my DH and I are going for Thanksgiving for a week. At least she'll get to see her youngest grandchildren again. I hope we can go again for Christmas. How do you all cope with a loved one having LC? Especially those that aren't in the same State? I feel so helpless. My poor sis is taking care of mom everyday. I wish I could do something to help too. I've always been so close to my mom. I'm the baby and I have always needed her. I'm going to be lost without her. And the hard part is I call her everyday to talk but she's so tired she usually hangs up after a few minutes or she might start crying and say she has to go. I just want to hug her. Thanks for listening. Please pray for her. Jackie
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