Mefoster

Beautiful Daughter and Beautiful Rosie. Thanks for sending the link. You know how I feel about Golden's from our pm's and my avatar. Keep me posted on her progress with adapting to her new home and how you are doing.

The Cancer Treatment Center of America commercials have been on TV again lately. Has anyone went to one of these facilities? If so, did it help and how? Did the cancer go into remission? Did it prolong life......etc?

OMG Teri, I have had those (almost)same identical dreams as you. The first dreams I had were of my husband like you said - in my dreams as his old self but he never talked and no real reason for dreaming them. He was smiling though. I had another where we were in my parents house in the utility room and we were hugging each other and he told me he was afraid to die and I told him it was ok. Another was where we were holding each other so tight and I could physically feel this. It felt so good and I did not want to wake up. During this dream it felt like we were one person and then I felt him lifting out of my body. I was afraid he was gone and then I felt him behind me like he was letting me know he was still with me. I haven't had any dreams recently but I wish I had them every night. Just thought I'd share. Max

Far Away - by Nickleback

Here I sit by myself. At this time last year John and I were driving home from the hospital that we would frequent for the next 7 months. How can it be one year and everything so "changed". He had his bronchoscopy on August 31, 2006 and was admitted overnight for observation for excessive bleeding from his lungs. After the procedure his pulmonary Dr. told me the area he biopsied was much larger than he anticipated and looked to be cancerous. It was confirmed the next day. I remember that night. We didn't pack anything as it was to be an outpatient procedure. We lay in that single hospital bed together as they continued to come in and take blood samples and blood pressure readings all night long. We talked but not a whole lot. We were numb more than anything, anticipating the results of the next day. We held each other and made lots of eye contact, knowing what was going through the others mind. The nurses brought me blankets a hospital gown and shorts to wear for pajamas. I had a recliner I could sleep on if I wanted but I didn't sleep at all that night. I remember watching animal planet and John watching his car restoration program. What a long night and following day. We met his oncologist the next day (Sept. 1st) and discussed treatment options. After an extremely long day they finally released him on the evening of Sept.1st. The hospital is 40 miles from our home. It seemed we had been at that hospital for weeks and took forever to drive home. Now here I am, alone and missing him so terribly bad. I remember these days as if they just happened. I don't post very often but do read many your posts. I think about you all daily and feel for all who are just beginning, going through or have ended this journey. I was looking at my journal I started at the beginning of all this and at the end of Sept. 1, 2006 entry I have written "and so our journey begins". Sadly our journey is over. I miss him and will love him forever. Thanks for listening.

I've had 2 signs since the passing of my husband. The first was the day of his funeral at the cemetary. The funeral home had placed the floral arrangment (the one with ribbons that say husband, dad, son etc.) on top of the casket before putting it in the back of the hearst for the drive to the cemetary. When his casket was being taken from the back of the hearst one ribbon flew off the arrangement in my direction. It was the ribbon with husband on it. The wind was blowing a little that day but in the opposite direction of where I stood. I was so distraught that day and that ribbon brought me some peace. I took it as a sign letting me know that he was with me and always would be. A lot of people came up to me afterward and said it gave them goose bumps and thought it was so awesome. The other sign was a little over a week ago. It has been 4 months since his passing. There are some days that I just can barely make through. The week I am talking about was extremely difficult for some reason. (Over the last 4 months I get like that from time to time). Anyway I was hanging bedsheets on the clothesline and I just couldn't keep the tears from flowing. I reached into my basket for a handful of clothespins and dropped one. Reaching to the ground through my tears to pick it up I saw something on it. It had my husbands name John carved in it. I have been using those wooden clothespins all summer and have no clue how his name was engraved in one or how it got into my basket. I felt the stangest warm feeling come over me and my tears stopped. I believe it was another way he found to let me know not to forget that he is still with me. (The ribbon is hanging on an angel and the clothespin is pinned on my bakers rack as reminders for me). Just wanted to share and tell everyone I believe in signs.

Hi Nicole. Just wanted to let you know, today I received the book I ordered per your suggestion. (90 Days In Heaven). I've read to chapter 4 already. It is making me feel a little better. I even think I was able to take a short nap afterward. I will have this next to my bed at night to read whenever I am having trouble getting to sleep. Just to think that if your dad and my husband had to leave us, what a wonderful place this must be. Thanks

It's been almost 3 weeks for me. Some days I walk around this empty house and wonder when he's coming home. I know he's not coming back. Certain days I only cry a little and some days I go to the room where he spent most of his last days and just sit and cry my eyes out. That's where I feel closest to him. I wonder sometimes if this really happened. I can't get rid of his toothbrush. I have a box of his drugs I have no idea what to do with. I don't miss the doctor visits but yet I do. Does that make sense? That is what our whole lives revolved around the last 7 months and now it's all over. Our 32nd wedding anniversary would be tommorrow April 11th. My sons want to take me to supper then. I keep remembering what we did on our last anniversay. Our grandson went with us to eat at Applebee's on April 10th last year. We went a day early because I was having a trigger release surgery on my finger on the 11th last year. John had made me a clock (he loved wood working) and put his favorite picture of me and him standing beside his Harley on it. He engraved it saying - My better 1/2 for all time. I loved it because he made it with his own two hands and I love it even more this year. I am just missing him so badly. Thanks for listening.

I am just here to release I guess. I am feeling so much pain right now. My heart is breaking and I am so sick on my stomach. I don't know if I mentioned in any of my other posts but along with my huband passing on 3/22/07 my dad passed away 3/6/07. I went into myspace.com and created a page and I was so proud of it. I had completed it the day before my husband died. I told him you have to see the page I created in myspace. I wanted him to see who my hero was. He never got the chance to see it though. Anyway if anyone would want to look at it is at: www.myspace.com/Humibird Thanks for listening, Max

As I posted last week - my husband died from a massive hemmorhage. I just want to know if anyone has experienced or went through anything like that. This happened in the wee hours of the morning. It was unexpected and the most horrifying thing I have ever experienced. Our bathroom and hallway looked like someone had been shot. I can't seem to get the image out of my head and am feeling the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. I lost my best friend and soul mate that day. If anyone has went through a hemmorhage like that can you please share with me? Please let me know if this image in my head will fade with time. I was told his death was quick so at least I feel he did not suffer long. I will always remember him looking me in the face that morning saying help me then falling in my arms and both of us hitting the floor. I knew at that moment I had lost the love of my life.

To everyone here who has helped me and my husband the last few months: My husband passed away early this morning from a massive hemorrhage. We were at home and it was very horrifying. Thank-You to everyone for your support and encouraging words through this journey. Max

My husband had to have 2 units of blood on Wednesday. I have a question to ask if anyone has some input. If my husband needed 2 units of blood then where did that blood go to? I asked several people at the cancer center and at the hospital and all just say a side effect of chemo. So where did the lost blood go to? I hope this doesn't sound stupid. - Thanks

Husband has not been feeling any better so took him to our oncologist. He just wasn't bouncing back from his chemo this time. They took blood to do a CBC and his hemaglobin was low. They sent us to the hospital to draw more blood to cross type it. Tomorrow we go back to the hospital for 2 units of blood. They say it is a side effect from chemo. Does this sound right? Said it will take between 5 -6 hrs. This stuff is all new to me so any input as always is greatly appreciated.

To all who posted - thank you. The oncologist returned my phone call this afternoon and has scheduled a CT scan of the brain for this Saturday.

My husband had his 6th cycle of Taxotere and Carboplatin on 2/27/2007. He went through all of the symptoms that he usually goes through after a treatment. However this time he seems to have some mental confusion going on. On the following Monday after a treatment he is normally coming around and starting to feel a little better. He is saying some off the wall things that don't even pertain to the subject we may be talking about and having a hard time remembering what day it is. He is also very slow in his actions and responding to questions asked and has to really think about what he is going to say. I might add my father passed away yesterday and I don't know if this is having some type of impact on him. Can anyone tell me of similar expereinces or what you think might be going on here? I called his oncologist and am currently waiting on a call back from him.