onlychild*

Thank you all so much for your support! It really means A LOT to me. I did try to do things on my own this week to honor my mom. Worked on the old 1910 house and ate a burger from her favorite place (I used to be a vegetarian so this is a big HONOR - hahaha). I volunteered as usual at a women's shelter and did facepainting for some kids at the shelter. Randy, I even had a good cry/babble under the stars too. Ry, that was no tangent! I'm so sorry you lost your husband and in turn went through that with your friends. Thank you for sharing your experience and reassuring me. Now that the anniversary has passed, like a storm, I feel more like my old self and will just keep working on building relationships with people who are worth it and not make huge efforts for the ones that aren't (because I am sure it's not just me, I am sure they are probably like this with everyone). I will try to plan something in advance for the 5 year anniversary, maybe send out a formal invite to 2 of my mom's friends for a picnic in the park to honor my mom or a walk through the museum. Thank you all again. And now that I remember my login info I will try to check-in more often. I hope I can be of some support to others too. xox k

Mom died 4 years ago last night. Although I usually can keep a smile on my face and my chin-up, today I just needed somewhere welcoming and understanding to go, to openly & honestly grieve. Am so grateful you are here! These past few days hit me really hard... My mom was an only child and I am too, and thus there is no one else to remember her with today. I would love for today to be about having a picnic, eating burgers (Mom loved burgers!), sharing memories of Mom and having a laugh, cry and hugs. But, sadly, I am the only one who remembers her. <> Mom was a quiet, shy person and had few friends, but she always remembered people's birthdays, anniversaries and sent gifts during the holidays and called people for no reason just to see how they were doing. But those friends only called her when they needed something (even when she was dying the friends that did email her said how much they would miss her "always being there when they needed something", but never said anything more). And why don't I ask my friends for support? My friends... well I just realized how alike I am to my mom. <> AND my friends are young and never lost anyone (Mom died when I was 29). My epiphany: I was stuck in the house for the past 6+ months in a wheelchair (I am now luckily able to leave the house - am so grateful! And SO lucky!) the only time I heard from anyone was when they wanted me to take care of their kids, dogs|cats and/or house, and even my 'closest' friend got upset at me for being in a wheelchair at an "inconvenient time" for her. Note:I was not in a wheelchair by choice, trust me. Honestly, I am still in utter disbelief and shock - if it had been anyone, I would've brought groceries, called to have a good conversation, sent cards and silly things, flowers, brought movies - I would've been there to offer any kind of support. In fact I have done so many times, in good and bad during; break-ups, colds, birth of kids... I even cared for my mom's out-of-state friend for 2 weeks when no one else, not even her own daughter would take off work to care for her. I did it because I cared, and I didn't even think twice about it. Que sera... So... Writing this I realize, that I guess what I am saying is this anniversary has become a time of major reflection on my mom's life and what her worth was/is and also mine. It makes me so sad to think that someone so loving existed, that was there for others whenever they wanted, on their terms, always with a smile & never a complaint... and now, it's like she never existed. And I am just so selfishly sad to not have any family or friends to remember her with, or anyone to even remember me on this difficult day. <> When you lost someone, were you alone too? What did you/do you do on 'anniversaries? Have you been able to build more unconditional love & support? Again, I am SO grateful for everyone here, for everyone being so open about their experiences, thank you for letting me have my moment <> and for listening and understanding. pffft! I said it all. <> Much love to everyone on this journey. xox k

Mom died 4 years ago last night. Although I usually can keep a smile on my face and my chin-up, today I just needed somewhere welcoming and understanding to go, to openly & honestly grieve. Am so grateful you are here! These past few days hit me really hard... My mom was an only child and I am too, and thus there is no one else to remember her with today. I would love for today to be about having a picnic, eating burgers (Mom loved burgers!), sharing memories of Mom and having a laugh, cry and hugs. But, sadly, I am the only one who remembers her. <> Mom was a quiet, shy person and had few friends, but she always remembered people's birthdays, anniversaries and sent gifts during the holidays and called people for no reason just to see how they were doing. But those friends only called her when they needed something (even when she was dying the friends that did email her said how much they would miss her "always being there when they needed something", but never said anything more). And why don't I ask my friends for support? My friends... well I just realized how alike I am to my mom. <> AND my friends are young and never lost anyone (Mom died when I was 29). My epiphany: I was stuck in the house for the past 6+ months in a wheelchair (I am now luckily able to leave the house - am so grateful! And SO lucky!) the only time I heard from anyone was when they wanted me to take care of their kids, dogs|cats and/or house, and even my 'closest' friend got upset at me for being in a wheelchair at an "inconvenient time" for her. Note:I was not in a wheelchair by choice, trust me. Honestly, I am still in utter disbelief and shock - if it had been anyone, I would've brought groceries, called to have a good conversation, sent cards and silly things, flowers, brought movies - I would've been there to offer any kind of support. In fact I have done so many times, in good and bad during; break-ups, colds, birth of kids... I even cared for my mom's out-of-state friend for 2 weeks when no one else, not even her own daughter would take off work to care for her. I did it because I cared, and I didn't even think twice about it. Que sera... So... Writing this I realize, that I guess what I am saying is this anniversary has become a time of major reflection on my mom's life and what her worth was/is and also mine. It makes me so sad to think that someone so loving existed, that was there for others whenever they wanted, on their terms, always with a smile & never a complaint... and now, it's like she never existed. And I am just so selfishly sad to not have any family or friends to remember her with, or anyone to even remember me on this difficult day. <> When you lost someone, were you alone too? What did you/do you do on 'anniversaries? Have you been able to build more unconditional love & support? Again, I am SO grateful for everyone here, for everyone being so open about their experiences, thank you for letting me have my moment <> and for listening and understanding. pffft! I said it all. <> Much love to everyone on this journey. xox k

Thank you all for your lovely words... it has helped to know others out there understand and are sending warm thoughts. Wishing everyone the best, hopefully someday I can give back what I have received from you all. Many thanks again! k.

I am trying to get everything ready for mom's funeral tomorrow and just needed a place to go... which is here. I can't believe in a few hours she will have been gone for a year. It still feels like only a few days ago. I am nervous about the funeral and if I did everything right for her... it's a bit unorthodox to have a funeral 1 year later, but then again my mom never followed the rules. I hope the service will bring a sense of closure for her friends. For me, I am not sure what to expect... I just miss my mom and wish she were here and wish she could hear me. Thank you for being there for me and listening. Warmest regards to everyone taking care of a loved one and having lost one... my heart goes out to you. Kate

I know, I wonder when or if it gets better as well. It was so hard to face my first birthday without mom. Now with Mother's Day coming up I have no idea what to do without mom. I'm no longer anyone's 'boo' or 'kate-o.' Am thinking of you! If I have any lightbulb moments that give me hope or help will let you know. <> warmest wishes, Kate

I can completely relate to what you have written. My mom died 9 months ago tomorrow ... I turned 30 in January and mom's birthday was in March... not to mention all the holidays... it was very hard to face those dates. Am thinking of you. Warmest wishes, Kate

"Deserter" by Matthew Dear "... You sound deserted... Lost and alone...Don't be afraid. This is what you have been saving for. Everything that you have done, nothing seems to be what it's worth..." I had never heard the song before. It came on the radio as I was driving home at 5am on the foggy summer night after seeing mom's last breath. Everything looked so different. Was very surreal. Note: The record label for this album is "Ghostly International".

Sarah I am SO sorry to read about your mum. It breaks my heart. My mom also died within 50 days of diagnosis. She was 62 and I 29, this was 6 months ago. I still have not yet had a funeral for her. Your mum's decline was so fast yet it wasn't the shock of loosing someone apparently healthy to a sudden car accident, yet it wasn't a slow decline of 18 months giving you and her some more time to check out all treatments and to maybe take a last vacation, etc. I don't know if you feel this way or not but it's like being in a kind of limbo world. It seems so unique to this disease that one day someone is fine and then 40, 50, 60 days later, after a life changing diagnosis, they are gone. It's so much to take in and to come to terms with. My heart goes out to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Feel free to e-mail me if you ever need to talk... and if your mind is like mine and keeps you up most nights I am here to listen. Warmest wishes x Kate

I am so sorry to hear about what you and your mom are going through. It must all seem so unreal, so painfully unreal. I agree with others suggestions, if your mom is up for getting a second opinion that would be good. Also doing things to keep her interested in life and to keep her energy up as much as possible helps. For a while I thought my mom was getting better, she did to as well! She had much more energy and started to regain some weight. Someone on this forum gave me great reassurance and advice that I am always thankful for. Right after the Hospice nurse told my mom she thinks mom had 6 weeks left, which shocked us, I was encouraged to just remind my mom how much I love her each day, every chance I got and I worked hard to make sure she still felt independent as much as possible even in her quickly fading condition. Basically live your life and use this time with no regrets. Leave nothing unsaid, so should she pass away you will not have those horrid regrets filling your mind. And should she make a wonderful recovery she can then tease you about how much love you surrounded her with, so much so it almost annoyed her. Children are allowed to still drive there parents crazy. Again i am so sorry you are going through this, it breaks my heart. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, if you ever need to chat I am here. Warmest wishes x Kate

Steph, I am so very sorry about loosing your mom so quickly. There are no words that I can think to describe it... it's just devastating. Please know we are thinking of you. You did such a wonderful job with her, you are amazing. If you ever need someone to just talk to please feel free to contact me. I too am up most evenings thinking about my mom and her quick illness and almost unexpected death, so can relate. My heart goes out to you. Warm wishes x Kate

Sorry, I haven't been here for a while... I just wanted to say thank you for all of your kindness and support. Right now I REALLY needed to read that I was a good daughter to her. So thank you for reassuring me! I wish I could have done more for her and feel some guilt/regret. BUT I logically know the "what if's" do no good and I unconditionally loved her and without question did everything I could for her. As she told me, I was the love of her life and thus far she has been the same for me. I read part of her sketchbook/journal and she wrote she was scared of dying alone (I think over the years she carried regret for not being there when her parents died). Well, I think she died knowing (or I hop she dide) that she was not alone, in fact I basically never left her side (the number of times I almost wet my pants!). In fact I think she held on for days because I kept "waking" her. Oops! One of the last things she spoke before she went unresponsive was when I was groveling over her, crying, telling her I loved her, asking her to give me the thumbs up if she was comfortable, basically being a sputtering idiot and she said "Kate, just sleep". It made me laugh and I apologized and said I would let her sleep, she gave me the thumbs up sign for the last time. And she certainly slept... for days! Anyways, I am rambling now. Thanks for letting me talk about her and for being so supportive. All my best to you all! Kate

I have been wondering how you are. Not sure if this helps but I became severely ill 1 day after mom died and found out I need surgery. The worst part of it is not the pain, or finding out I should have taken care of it sooner (I couldn't, I had to take care of her!) but she and I have always hated hospitals and needles and now I have to go alone without her comfort or understanding. Just like you are going to have surgery without your husband there. There are no words to express how sorry I am for what you are facing right now... anniversaries, surgery, etc... But I am thinking of you. (((hugs))) Kate

What a little darling Xaiver is! Is understandable to see how happy and sad you can be at the same time. You've been through A LOT! I miss my mom too, and wonder if she hears me. I just don't feel her around and it makes me sad. The day after she died I found out I have to have surgery... right away I wanted to talk to her, and ONLY her. I even sent an e-mail to her. Sorry this may not be much help, but I am thinking of you. (((hugs))) Kate

Hello Mary, My mom was so stubborn and hated the taste of anything! If I even mentioned that something was to help her gain weight or was a vitamin she would refuse to eat it. Someone recommended Polycose to me on this site. I hid it in her food and drinks. She gained weight and got some energy back! She was so excited as her biggest complaints were feeling weak. I finally told her what I had been doing... hiding Polycose, Flaxseed Oil, Vit C and A in food and drinks, and she supported it and had me buy more. Polycose is nongluten. Also Juven is supposed to help counter cachexia. I have extras that I received just after mom died if you would like me to send them to you - if the oncologist approves of course. Unfortunately there was a complication, not related to the food, that led to her being unable to eat/drink and then she died a week later. I ONLY wish I had started hiding all the nutrients in her food sooner or hired a nutritionist - as she just hated being weak and that wore down on her having hope (even though her blood work was all good etc). If your mom has an oncologist (mine didn't, she refused all treatment) double check with them to see what would be best to counter cahexia/help gain weight. If they approve of certain supplements you can try one at a time and hide them in foods/drinks and watch your mom to see how she reacts to them. I wish you all the best in this tough time! Warmest regards, Kate