jmills

Do you have access to any support groups where you live? I have thought about finding a group, but don't have any near where I live. I find it helps me in my grief to talk to the occasional rare person who understands my pain. That is why I find comfort here. I think you have to experience loss for yourself to really understand it. I get depressed if I spend too much time at home, so I force myself to at least get out of the house on days like that, even just to go for groceries, and it does help me. I would think meeting regularly and talking with others who understand what you are going through might be helpful. Don't put any pressure or big expectations on yourself. Take one step at a time and one breath at a time, and don't worry about moving onto the next until it is time to do so. My best wishes go out to you. Take care of yourself!

First holiday without them. I was told that all the "firsts" throughout the first year will be the hardest. Our Canadian Thanksgiving is this weekend. It is hard to believe it was already a whole year ago that Mom & Dad were coming to my place to spend Thanksgiving with us. It just hit me today that this will be my first family holiday without them. I want to be happy and positive for all the holidays for my son(6mos), but it's hard.

In the end I always told mom I loved her, and tried not to leave anything unsaid, but never really said Goodbye or talked about what was going to happen. My way of dealing with her illness was through denial, and although I knew she was going to die, I always thought there was going to be more time. I thought that Mom would go downhill and we would know the end was near, but she was awake and asking for fudgesicles in the morning, went to sleep, and never woke up again. I wish I could have said more, but try to take comfort in the fact that it was quick for her, and she didn't have to suffer the horrible end we were all dreading. I think as long as they knew we loved them, that is all that really matters. I am working on telling the people who are still in my life more often that I love them.

I haven't posted anything on here for a few months. My mom died on April 1. She was such an amazing woman. She was bedridden in a hospital bed in her living room for her last 3 weeks. She remained positive right until the end. My dad was suffering some health problems and was in the hospital for the last few days before she died. He was on his way home when she died. We buried her on April 9, and my dad crawled into bed and gave up. He ended up in the hospital and died on June 17. The official cause of death was from renal failure, but we all feel that he died of a broken heart. He just couldn't face life without her. I had a baby boy on May 5, and don't think I could cope if it wasn't for him. I am feeling really sad today thinking that they should both be here to share in all these amazing things with him. I haven't really given myself any time to grieve, and know that I need to, I just don't know where to begin. I thought maybe sharing my feelings on here would be a start. I mostly feel like they are just away - and then some days it hits me that they are really gone - forever.

We got mom home from the hospital. She is bed-ridden at this point, too weak to get up, and has a compression fracture in her back. Not sure what to expect now. The doctors figure the cancer is progressing and the last 3 round of chemo she has received since Jan have not helped. Her family dr thought she might only have 2-3 weeks. She has good days and bad. Very confused at times. I don't know if that is the disease or the meds? She thinks she is getting better and will rebound to get out of bed again. I am very confused, not knowing what to expect. I have taken leave from work to stay with mom & dad and help out. I feel like I am already getting tuckered out, as I am 8 months pregnant. Hoping mom makes it to see the baby!

Mom has battled so hard for the past year and a half. None of us thought in the beginning that we would have as long as we have with her, and I'm grateful for every minute. I moved closer(2 hours instead of 30) and have had some amazing quality time with her. I am expecting my first child in May. That seemed to give her even more hope and reason to fight. We decided at the end of January that we would get married, and planned it for March 7, knowing that time is not our friend these days. Mom has been soooooo excited. She has struggled with her last 2 chemo sessions, but bounced back each time. She was doing so well, and then in the last week was down and then up. Yesterday we had to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital because she was suddenly to weak to even get out of bed. We hoped she would regain some strength to come for the wedding, but it was not to be. She told us several times in the last couple weeks to go through with it even if she couldn't be her. So we are. I just can't get over how unfair it is!!! It is bad enough that we are losing her, but she was ok 2 days ago. Now this horrible disease is breaking all of our hearts, not allowing her to be here. She just wanted to be ok a few more days!!! Now I somehow have to get through tomorrow "one of the happiest days of my life" without her

Mom has been doing pretty good since her diagnoses last Sept. Had chemo which shrunk the tumour and radiation. She has been having back pain and her family doctor suggested it might just be arthritis. She just got her report from her latest CT scan from her family doctor. It says "Note there is a new lytic destructive process in the right side of the L1 vertebral body, does not extend into the spinal canal. It is presumably metastic." I have tried to look up the terms to figure out what they mean, and think it means the cancer has now spread to her back, which would explain the back pain - but I don't know why the dr wouldn't tell her that if it's the case. Does anyone know what these terms mean? Has the cancer spread?

My mom had 4 rounds of chemo - Cisplatin & Gemcitabine. She had a CT scan of her chest & head(because of headaches). It showed shrinkage of the tumour, and that her nodules are likely also affected. Then after a short break she has had 3 weeks of radiation, with 1 more week to go. Her dr at the Cancer Clinic told her that after radiation they will do a CT scan in a couple months, and other than that she can just see her family dr. It seems like there should be more testing/monitoring. Is it normal to have chemo, then radiation, and then that is it? Shouldn't they be checking the tumour for growth and maybe considering more treatment. She had a bone scan a few months ago, which turned out to be good. Should she be getting another one at some point? We are happy that the treatment she has received has seemed to help, and hopefully will give her more time, but isn't there more that should be done than just waiting for it to start growing again? She was initially told it was inoperable because the tumour is too close to her pulmonary artery. Should she meet with a surgeon again to see if there has been any change there? Some of the treatment she has received and the time frame she has received it in has been a result of me harrassing the doctors and the clinic to make it happen, so I want to make sure we are doing everything we can, but I just don't know what should happen next. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I will be moving a couple thousand miles to be closer to mom & dad in a few days. I am happy that I will be nearby to spend time, but also very scared of what the future will bring. Mom has been doing ok, her results from her first rounds of chemo have been positive. But her prognosis from the start was terminal(around her pulmonary artery), so I don't know what the best is to hope for. I just want as much time as I can have with her. I am trying to be optimistic, but am so very, very scared of what the future holds for us. I read about the end coming very quickly and don't really know how to prepare for that. My dad is very dependant on my mom and I am very scared for him too. Just needed to get that off my chest, Thanks!

Mom has stage iv nsclc - possibly squamous cells(undetermined). She is part way through her 2nd round of chemo(Gemcitabine & Cisplation). She will go for CT scan & meet with her dr in a couple weeks. She has been tired & just not feeling very well, so she is not sure if she wants more chemo if there isn't any improvement. Her dr suggested if she doesn't want more chemo, maybe they will do some radiation - the plan had been only chemo, no radiation. Does radiation have less side effects than chemo? Is it more/less effective than chemo? I plan to fly down & attend this appointment with her to make sure whatever decision she makes is a fully informed one.

Mom has stage iv nsclc - possibly squamous cells(undetermined). She is part way through her 2nd round of chemo(Gemcitabine & Cisplation). She will go for CT scan & meet with her dr in a couple weeks. She has been tired & just not feeling very well, so she is not sure if she wants more chemo if there isn't any improvement. Her dr suggested if she doesn't want more chemo, maybe they will do some radiation - the plan had been only chemo, no radiation. Does radiation have less side effects than chemo? Is it more/less effective than chemo? I plan to fly down & attend this appointment with her to make sure whatever decision she makes is a fully informed one.

I also want to say thank you! This site has gotten me through some of my worst days, and has allowed me to be strong and positive for my mom. It is so nice to have a place to go for answers to questions, and more than anything - to read the posts of others, shed some tears, and just not feel alone. I have many loving people in my life, but I think you need to go through it to truely understand the emotions that sometimes sneak up on you. Thank you to everyone who manages this site, as well as to all those who share on here!

Met with mom's dr today. She starts chemo tomorrow with Gemcitabine & Cisplatin, then has just Gemcitabine on Day 8. Her bone scan & brain CT are clear. They couldn't determine the type, but the dr suspects Sqamous Cells, due to high calcium & the cells being "spindly". She is very scared of the chemo making her sick. Has anyone had experience with these drugs? Also the dr said her hair may get thinner but won't all fall out. Sqamous cell type is supposed to be less aggressive, so this is good news?

My mom is scheduled to start chemo on Thursday morning. She has an appointment to meet with the dr at the cancer clinic tomorrow. Last week she had a bone scan, CT scan, and heart test. We still don't know the type of cancer or staging, hopefully we will get more answers tomorrow. I am staying at mom & dad's now for the month, wow it sure feels better to be here than thousands of miles away worrying. She seems good, other than terrible coughing spells. Are the coughing spells normal for everyone with lung cancer? She is still smoking and refuses to consider quitting, at this stage she feels it is too late, and wants to enjoy the rest of her life her way - can't really argue with that. Do most people get sick the first time they get chemo? Does hair falling out start right away? Thank you all for the support offered on this site!

I am finally getting to fly down & see Mom. It seems it has been a long wait since she was first diagnosed to get to go down. I will be staying there for a month. We still don't have all the answers yet for type & staging. She is getting tests done: catscan, bone scan, & a heart test. She is really looking forward to me coming & I can't wait to be there to give her my support.