I get your anger. I've been there. I've felt it myself and you have every right to be angry. Cancer isn't an excuse for someone to be a jerk but it sounds like he's treated you badly in the past so this is a part of his personality. What has helped you in the past?
My dad shut down right after he was diagnosed. He never asked a single question. He was never proactive with his treatment or medical team. Instead he relied completely on me for everything because I just took over everything. He also never spoke about how having late stage lung cancer made him feel. He wasn't a "feelings" kind of guy before cancer- I'm not sure why I thought he would change after cancer.
The beginning of a cancer diagnosis is uncertain and frightening. Some people take control of the things they can, other people retreat or lash out.
I finally realized that this wasn't about me, but about the cancer itself. If he seemed unappreciative I would blame the cancer pain or anxiety or fear. Whether that was the case or not, it made ME feel better!
The fact is your husband does have cancer, and you have a decision to make on how involved you are going to be in this. If you are worried that treatment hasn't started, you have every right to ask the doctors questions, schedule second opinions and get the ball rolling.
Talk to your husband about how involved he wants you to be in his medical care. Talk to him about your feelings, your limits and set some boundaries and stick to them. Case managers and oncology social workers are very helpful when it comes to navigating cancer and treatment. They will also have information on local support groups and organizations as well. Don't be hesitant to give those a try.
I'm sorry you had a bad birthday. Maybe you guys can have a do-over and celebrate another day.
Hoping things get better for you guys soon.
Keep posting- we are here for you.