angelb

Hi Everyone - Its been quite a while since I have been here - I found myself becoming more and more depressed re-living the whole experience each time there was bad news on the board, so I had to take a break to regain my life and strat participating in my family again. Today is not a good day - there is no celebrating, no smiles - just a great deal of memories. He dies almost 4 hours ago a year past. Its unfortunate becuase I am unable to be with my mom today - I know she is mouring just as hard today that she did last year. Why we remember at milestones - a year - two years - I dont know - really I know its just another day - no big deal, but I can help but feel very sad today. ANyways - Thanks for all you have done to help me express my thoughts and feelings - it has been a blessing for me. Angela Daughter of Rich (d)5/24/04

Hmmmmmm - Interesting........

That is so endearing.... Thanks for sharing with us.

Mine and hubby's 8th wedding anniversary is coming upon us on Valentine's Day, and so I thought to myself - since 2004 was a wash - so to speak - and all the problems we had originally then to have to find out that my dad has - sorry had cancer and that he only had a few months to live and they were freaking right - to my misery - ANYWAY - off that - We NEVER had a honeymoon - come to think of it - we never do anything - we will be married 8 years but we have been together 13 - we have never done anything for us - by oursleves - at all - isnt that sad..... Anyways my point in this is this - I booked a romantic mountian cabin for just the two of us for our anniversary in the VA (VA is for Lovers right?) Shenandoah Mountains...... I cant wait - I am so excited - even though it was a bit pricey - I think we are worth it.. and I think it will get us back on the right track. A new beginning..... here is the link to the view from the cabin..... http://countryplacecabins.com/Imagesgif ... stshot.gif I feel a bit like a school girl.....

Hi All. I know its been awhile since I have posted - but I am here at least three times a week lurking in the shadows. I am sorry Ry that I have never asked for a hall pass - I guess I am just skipping - and probably should be sent to the office.... Life almost 7 months later is still no better than the day my dad died. I have to say that it is easier for me to "go on" than my mom because I have so many distractions. Two small girls, a pain in the but beagle/basset mix, and hubby keep me on my tippy toes most of the time. Alyson (My 7 year old) has a project due next week where she has to do a timeline of her life with pictures - so we went through the huge amount of pictures I have taken since her birth. I have to say that I found pictures in there that I was not expecting, and the waterworks started up again. Its not better - its just a new normal - but it still doesnt fit quite right - its like trying on an outfit and it not fitting the way you want it, but you have to get it becuase there are no other options. I always call my mom on Sunday's - that is our day to talk every week, I havent missed one yet.... I told her about this timeline and was describing some of the pictures - not of him, but pictures in general - and she started to sob - hard sobbing - because HE WAS THERE when the picture was taken. My heart hurts for her so very badly. I wish I could just take SOME of the pain away. She misses him so much she can hardly breathe sometimes. It is so hard to even imagine what she is feeling, I have a hard enough time dealing with what I am feeling, and I know that the relationships and grief are different for everyone. My soul cries for her becuase I know she is never going to heal fully. I can't help but think of all the things we can never change - especially the "what if's" even though I know nothing I did or will do in the futre will change any of that. Its senseless to think about the things I have no control over. I would give anything to see her happy - truly happy again, but I dont think that will ever be. She chooses to be alone - no one will ever fill his slot - it would be like that outfit I mentioned above - and my mom will not "settle". Anyways - I am just soul bruised and wanted to check in.... Thanks for letting me babble on. Angela

Thanks for your input everyone. I sent the cookies and poem off yesterday - I just hope to give her a little bit of happiness in this year of such sadness. This is the first Christmas, and will be the first birthday (his) that will be felt enormously. I truly wish I could just be there for her, unfortunately we need the money this year and being a mother of two young children - I have no leave to speak of. At least my grandmother is there for her. Merry Christmas to everyone, may God bring each and every one of you peace and maybe just a little bit of happiness. Angela

I baked - 16 hours this past weekend - and I am sending some to my mom since I cant be with her this year (I have to work) - but I wanted to send a poem with the baked goods I am sending - and this is original, Please give me you HONEST opinion. Twas’ a Plate Full of Cookies Twas’ a plate full of cookies Full of sugar and goo All of that butter So yummy and true All of them don’t eat You must leave two or three For Jolly St. Nick And his fluffy snowy feet A tall glass of milk And plenty o’ napkin to wipe Confectioners sugar, and Many crumbs alight He’ll fly up the chimney And jump to his sleigh To the next house he goes On and on throughout the night Now --- The rest of the cookies Are yours to enjoy So let out your pants And eat them with delight I give you some happiness In these sweets I do send Devour them with pride Taking care to lick Each finger every bit Each morsel with love Thee I send to you Only once a year this comes I wish a Merry Christmas to you! Sending much love to you, Love Ang Original Poem by me, Angela 12/2004

I have read this and had a hard time deciding wether or not to answer. Its to each his or her own opinion, so I am sorry if I upset anyone. But right before my dad was diagnosed - my mom would tell me she KNEW something was wrong - becuase there was an odor in the air that she could only remember as my nana was emiting a few days before her passing. Yes, I believe it is an old people smell, its the chemo, its all the drugs, its the cancer, its all of those things. So after he was dx with this crap we all hate, she told me again that she knew something was wrog becuase he had a smell to him. I dont know if this helps or not. I just pray for you and your family to have a safe and happy holiday. Much love, Angela

Curtis - I just want to say "Thank you". You have just given me a most precious gift. I think that everyone here who has lost someone to the beast really is not into the holidays - I for one, and not looking forward to it and just wish it to be over, however you sent me a ray of light and hope, in that I need to be thankful for the blessings I do have and the things that I have learned in the past 6 months. Thank you for that, and I will be sure to hug my girls with just a little more love than usual and pray that they can distract me this year form the sadness and redirect me to the happiness. Thank you, and I hope that you and Katie have a blessed Christmas and New Year. Angela

Donna, thank you for this.. its beautiful and I am now in complete bawling mode. Angela

Not real sure if this kind of news would help, but Thanksgiving for my mom was just horrible for obvious reasons, but tonight we will lift her spirits when Aly calles her to tell her that her new nick name is now "Gap-girl" she lost one of her front teeth yesterday in school, and is absolutly thrilled about it and that the tooth fairy came last night and left her a "whole dollar" - her happiness makes my heart swell becuase she is happy and for once not thinking of how much she misses her Pa-Pa - its nice to have a happy diversion in between the two hardest holidays since my dad passed. I hope that makes someone else smile on the board and break up a bit of the voo-doo.. Angela

Shordy - try this link http://www.healthboards.com/boards/foru ... dbb43&f=29

Proud to be your Friend! Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned... That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. To all of you ... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! A personal note here from me - I just want to thank each and every one of you. You all were my Rock when my dad was fighting the good fight even though it was short. You were there for me when I needed to vent, to scream, to cry, and to fear. You all held my hand, so to speak and game me comfort that no one else was sure how to do. And for that I THANK YOU. God bless all of you! Angela YOU ARE MY FRIENDS AND I AM HONORED!

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears were streaming down her face. The boy grabbed her arm and said....You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever! And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die... WASN'T THAT A SWEET THOUGHT!

LISA RUN, RUN as FAST as you can to another doctor! I dont have cancer, but it seems to me that you are not being treated for your pain, thats bs..... You need to seek other treatment as fast as you can - dont let this doctor run your life - only you are in charge... seek another doctor - I agree with Becky on this one, especilly with your family history. Angela