jaydlott

Thank you all so much for your beautiful replys. I'm crying as I read them. I have never met a nicer group of people and i'm so glad I found this site. It's such a comfort to know that people really do care and we're not all alone. God Bless Julie

Hi Jackie, I just lost my mom 6 weeks ago and it will never get any easier, but I can honestly tell you from experience that about a month before they begin their journey elsewhere, the brain shuts off all rationalization. My mom suffered severe depression and anxiety on January 11th and she passed away on Feb 15th. She told me that she couldn't control her thoughts and couldn't think of one positive thing. The doctors wouldn't put her on an antidepressent without her coming in for a visit, even though she was in so much pain, traveling back and forth to a hospital was not in her best interest. So after discussing it with her, the hardest day of my life was asking my mom if it was okay that I called Hopsice. She said okay. Hospice came in and brought her anxiety and depression medicine which did help her. One of the common signs that the end of life is nearing is severe anxiety and depression. It is the brain turning things off and the soul trying to fight it. It's not like any "Normal" signs of depression. It is so severe that you actually think that they are passing away within days. It's going to be tough for you, but if your mom is in a lot of pain, you are going to have to let her know it's okay to go. They hold on because we're hurting and we don't want them to leave. I hate the fact that my mom is gone, but I love the fact that she is in a much better place, young, beautiful and not hurting anymore. I can see her in my dreams and she lets me know everything is the way it should be. Take care Julie[/i]

I have been so caught up in these past 10 months that I have been a LCH Hermit and have not posted in months. My mom who was diagnosed with Stage 4 small cell lung cancer on May 4th, passed away on Feb 15, 05 just 6 hours before her 60th birthday. Throughout these past months I have been responsible with everything from finances, medical, funeral and life in general, but I was not prepared for the finality of my mom leaving. I'm sorry if this is a long post, but I want to share a few stories. I am from CO and lived in CA for 20 years. I love x-mas, snow and holidays. I made 14 trips to CO to care for my mom since she was diagnosed. Each trip I would either miss a thunderstorm or a snow storm. On 2-14 I was making a mad dash to CO becuz hospice had my mom moved to the hopsital bcuz her pain was so bad. I made it in at midnight. She knew I was there, squeezed my hand and tried to open her eyes. My good brother took me to his hotel so I didn't end up sleeping on a couch. On Feb 15 the morning was unlike any I had ever seen. It was the most beautiful day I had ever seen in my life. The snowflakes were bigger and fluffier than ever as if they were hand made from heaven. My mom gave me the snow storm she would always call me and tell me I missed by a day. She picked the day she would go, we were all there by her side. I left my girls at home bcuz I didn't want them to remember grandma so sick, but my 9 year old who sings in a fame program sang Mariah Carey "Hero" for grandma at her talent share day the end of Jan, I recorded it and brought it with me to play for my mom. I put the tape in the tv in her room and we played the last song my mom was to ever hear, her grandaughter singing her hero. She couldn't open her eyes, but a tear went down her cheek. I know she heard. 20 minutes later, she began to pass away. It was hard to watch, but I know she was in a much better place. When we thought she was gone, she forced her eyes open, looked at my sister then turned and look at me and she was gone. Yesterday I was driving to the bank and with all the rain and dark skys i saw a break in the clouds. I could see the blue sky and light shining down as if God was looking down from heaven. I instantly began to think of my mom. I said out loud, "Mom, where are you at"? Not a minute later, the radio station began playing the song Hero. I cried for an hour. I was the most amazing and spiritual moment I have ever experienced. Thank you for listening and God be with everyone who is going through this horrible disease. Julie Aydlott

I can truly feel your pain. I'm sorry for the updated news. My mom's SCLC has already mast to her liver and in her spine/bones. She was diagnosed in May. My brother sister and I were trying to get her down to the oasis center in mexico, but she wasn't sure about leaving the us, so we sent her to Dr. Brody in Reno who specializes in alternative treatment. She already went through 6 weeks of radiation and has to have chemo the rest of her life. Her liver is 4x the normal size because of the number of tumors. Last night she called me from reno after she met with the doc and told me there was nothing they could do for her. My heart broke in a million pieces and someone just punched me in the chest. My eyes are so swollen from crying I can barely see the computer screen. She wants to travel and see egypt before she passes. She is also going to come out to calif to see her granddaughters and my new husband that she has never met yet. I'm planning my 7th trip to (since may) colorado next week so I can just hang out with her and hold her hand. She is so worried about how I am taking this. I think the hardest part for me is death is so final and there is a d--- thing you can do about it. I imagine the alternative would be more painful, not knowing love, which is the reason why we hurt so bad. I can only believe the God has bigger plans for such an incredible person that he feels it's necessary to take her from us. Now it's just like watching an hourglass, wondering when the time is going to run out. Thanks for listening and I hope I'm not making you feel worse, that was not my intension. God Bless Julie

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since I was at this site last. I've made 6 trips to colorado in the past 2 months so I guess there is a good reason. My mom had her CT two weeks ago, the liver is still infested with cancer, it's now in her spine, but the golf ball tumor on her lung is gone. Their solution is chemo for the rest of her life. I am so sick of doctors who give you only one solution and they know that the end is only a few months (per their own reports), but they make it sound like my mom will make it another year so she keeps up with the chemo. I'm a forensic accountant and don't buy into to the only form a treatment scheme of things especially when one treatment is $9,000. There is way too much money to be made in cancer patients for doctors and pharmaceutical companies to be truthful to the patient who is the one who has to throw up for the next two months. My brother had a gut full as well, the one that is helping out financially. He found an alternative cancer treatment center. Has anyone heard of the oasis center in mexico? At this point in my moms life, her options are chemo forever while throwing up and poising her body, being so weak that she sleeps 16 hours per day, taking amizil for $40 a pill all the while you throw it up before it works, or taking a different approach with other forms of therapy that have hire success rates. At this point, a three day chemo session such as the one for her this week is already running $27,000, yet the Oasis center for a 6 week therapy treatment is only $20,000, we already know the chemo is only prolonging the inevidable. By the way, my sister is helping more, but one sister and one brother will never change! At least now it's 3 to 2...... Thanks for listening Julie

I'm sorry Margaret, I got to typing... As my schedule tones down a bit i'd love to have coffee some time. It's nice to know there is a support system out there for us. Best Julie

I have to tell you all that don't think i've ever met a more caring bunch of people in my life. I never expected such a warm welcome that it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for all your prayers and advice. I am trying to see all the positive things that my siblings have done. I do have a brother who lives in New mexico that has helped financially with my mom. He has been wonderful, but like me, he is so far away. The ones that are close are the ones that are driving me nuts. My sister has taken my mom to a few appointments, but she is dealing with her own crisis that the whole situation is hard for her. I want to be able to be comfortable when I leave knowing she is cared for. My aunt lives close by and comes over to cook and drives her to radiation, but she's 72 years old and can't get around very well. We had our last day of chemo today and God bless my mom, she's prepared to know that she'll probably need more and I told her I would be back to help out. You never realize how many people this disease effects until your own family is effected. Now it's' just a waiting game to see how the treatment helped. My husband is incredible. His father passed away two years ago from lung cancer and he flew to michigan for 4 weeks, so now he's so understanding on my needing to be here with my mom. For everyone here that has lost someone to cancer or who is fighting cancer, God bless you and this website. Your courage and advice helps more than you could ever imagine. Julie

I guess I don't know how else to say what i'm feeling without using inapropriate language... May 4th my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer. It already masticised to her liver. I haven't been able to talk about my feelings because I seem to be the only one in the family responsible enough to take on all the responsibility and hold every power of attorney possible. All the way from disability, medicade, rubbing her back when she's vomiting from chemo to telling her she's still beautiful even though her hair is falling out. And to add insult to injury, I live 1500 miles away. I've been back home 4 times in the past 6 weeks to make sure her full week of chemo and radiation is handled and she has someone to hold her hand. I have 4 other brothers and sisters and i'm the baby. My mom is an incredible women who is fighting for her life and I thank God everyday that I can be here with her, but once again I have to leave in 2 days to go home to my husband and two small children. It's killing me to have to leave her because I know that everyone else seems to be "tired". No one knows tired until they have a golf ball size tumor growing on their lung that causes so much pain they can't eat or sleep. I love my siblings, but i'm so pissed that they're so close to her and yet their life is still so full of problems and alternative responsibilities. I can only cry to myself and my husband because my mom needs someone who she can rely on to be possitive. I pray for miracles everyday! Her tumor has decreased from the radiation and tomorrow is her last day of chemo. In two weeks she has more blood tests to see if the cancer has backed off. If I could give anything to my mom it would be more time to enjoy her life and do some things that she's always wanted to do. She has a very possitive attitude and is so greatful i'm here with her, but she's getting depressed because I have to leave again. I don't want to hear anymore negative comments about lung cancer. Everyone seems to think it's an automatic death sentence, I want to see the people who don't. I don't, the doctor didn't say call hospice, she said get your but into chemo and radation stat! I need to cry and I need to talk, but I can't to my family because they are either not excepting what is going on and i'm feeling alone with my emotions. Even if i'm talking to myself with this post, I do feel a bit better venting. Thank you to whoever listens. Julie