barbvh Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Michelle, Sorry this is response late. I am so sorry, my prayers are with you. I loved reading your stories about your husband. Thanks for sharing them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Michelle, just keep posting away and know that I'm reading each and every one of them. I love the nut house part. Pre-cancer dx I was found of saying, for various reasons I cannot now recall lol, that I was afraid the men in the little white jackets were going to come and take me away. I think it's a clever way of saying we think our responses are a little crazy. Of course, they aren't and we know it but it's o.k. to have a little fun with our emotions. Especially when they are beating us up so badly. I'm so glad you are with us. Stay as long as you like. Judy in Key West P.S. The cable people are the worst! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbb Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Michelle, when I saw your post tonight, it just took my breath away. I can't even tell you how sad I am for you. May God be with you, we will be with you, too. Barbb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 I had a close friend and her husband visit tonight. They brought thai food which I normally love but didn't want any of just yet. It was a really nice visit with lots of tears and hugs which I needed. Actually, when my friend hugged me I felt such emotion I realized that it was the "first physical hug I've had since my husband passed". I held her so darn tight and didn't want to let go. But being the kind of person she is...she just let me hold on.....till some of the pain passed. Then I had a neighbor come by with a bouquet of flowers for me. He said that if I ever need help around the house, please let him know. He made me laugh because he said he can do anything but dishes. LOL Somehow moment by moment I'm beginning to feel stronger. Partly because of my friend Machelle...partly because of my son....partly because of all of you....and partly because of a "secret friend" who knows who they are. I will put my head on the pillow tonight and thank my husband for strength he's sending me and for all the one's in my life who care. And lastly, I will thank God for my memories! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Yes Hon in the end what really matters is friendship, love and those precious memories. I hope you have a very good nights rest and I will be in contact with you sometime tomorrow. As I told you al ready if you need to talk anytime night or day I am just a phone call away. (((Michelle((( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb73 Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Michele, I am just reading this now. Please forgive the delay in offering my condolences. Hospice came to our home on October 12, and people arrived for gathering information and setting up the bed, wheelchair, meds, and establishing a healthcare aide. One day after they arrived, on his b.d., Bill slid downhill from what I suspect was due to a heavy dose of meds (a boost in the patch to a higher dose, and suggested a morphine sublingual until the patch kicked in). He didn't respond well. It took him two days to be able to retain food, and he kept falling asleep. Your beautiful story of your love is an inspiration, Michele. Forgive me, but I am numb this week. Some of my actions are becoming robotic. I know I haven't seen all the postings. I'm walking in a fog. You have given me an example of how to show love, and I thank you. Barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Michelle, are you having a service or a memorial for your husband. I don't know if I ever heard his name. Some people may like to make a memorial donation in memory of your husband here at LUNGevity. I feel like I know so much about you after reading over some of your posts, yet I don't know where you live or what your husband's first name is or your son's name. And believe me when I say, it might just be me not knowing this, because I don't read everything. During our grieving journey, it's always a good idea to share warm stories about our loved ones with others. it's good for healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sis Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Michelle, I do not post often anymore, but I do like to keep up with the wonderful LCSC folks. I've been following your journey with your husband. My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family on the loss of a truly wonderful man. Ellie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 Connie.....your words warmed by heart. My husband's name is Donald and my son is Mark. When I got up today it was starting okay. I made some coffee and sat on the patio to make some entries in my journal. Somehow, even with such painful feelings on paper it helps. Had to stop though because I couldn't see the page through the tears. So, I thought I would come on line and check bank balances because of what Don's adult children are doing. Well, turns out somehow my credit cards have been canceled. Here we go again ;( Guess tomorrow will be yet another one of those many phone calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruce u Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Good neighbors and great friends can help alot and lift our spirits when we are feeling down. An old saying is " Neighbor's by chance but friends by choice. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneM Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 ((((Michelle)))) I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It's so horrible that you have to deal with all that financial stuff at a time like this. I'm thinking about you and wishing you some peace. Keep posting as long as it helps. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 I know I said I wasn't going to post in this thread anymore, but here I am. I had another hard day today. Seems "someone" called the social security office and said my husband passed in Sept...not Oct, so they reversed his monthly deposit. I had transferred most out with just a few outstanding checks but now those are bouncing. I've never bounced a payment in my life. I went to the social security office and yes they will correct this error, but it will take about 8 weeks to process. Also, I wanted to share something with you. I found a card today that my husband wrote this past May while in the hospital. The words he wrote were just so beautiful I wanted all of you to see a piece of the love we shared: My dearest Michelle, You are not only the greatest wife & mother but a real live angel. Without you I am nothing. My hope is to bring you nothing but joy & happiness. You are so dedicated & unselfish you deserve nothing but the best in life. I wish for nothing more than to be with you and share life with you. I love you with all my heart and soul and will forever. I love you all the way to God and back. Your loving husband, Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I just can't believe the nerve of some people. Who do they think they are and why would SS listen to them anyway. That should only come from you or someone showing his death certificate. They must really have an iside with someone up high to be able to do that. I think you probably have your suspecions about who did it too. The card from you Donald is just so beautiful I know that you will treasure it forever. So when all of the other crap starts getting you down just consider the soarce and remember his words. They can't take that away from you. He loves you, he chose you, if they can't handle that it is their problem. You had and have his heart all they have is their own selfish jealousy. Once again I see what a remarkable love you two had, It warms my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 The "someone" high up I assume must be his son. He's a police detective for a small town about 75 miles away. I can't imagine just anyone being able to get access to some of the things that have happened. And yes, the love Don and I shared was truly beyond special. I know that he's with me, but missing the physical presence is just breaking my heart. I'm trying so hard to distract myself, perhaps in ways that I shouldn't. But I "need" to believe that someone "cares". Does that make any sense? I find myself talking to Don all the time. I'm just so angry over everything that has happened. I'm not angry at him....I could never do that....it's just the circumstances ya know? I blame cancer most of all...and I wish so much that I could "do something"....anything to prevent others from having to live with this endless pain. I know that you're going to lecture me about this as well as others, but I pray to God and my husband each and everyday to please take me too. I don't understand those comments from people who tell me that I must stay here for a purpose. I can't find one.....unless I can find a cure for this awful cancer, then my life is pointless. I've always been the type of woman who lives to care for someone. Now I have no one to care for anymore. What the heck is my so-called purpose? As my first thread said....I shall forever live in darkness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Michelle, remeber your post the other day when you felt calm and strong. At times like this remember it. You will have good days again. Probably here and there for awhile but they will start to increase in number. And that purpose. All it takes is to believe it's there. I'm still trying to find mine now that I am no longer counseling. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I am hoping Michelle that after our conversation last night you are feeling a little better about yourself. I have been searching sense Johnny's death nearly 7 years ago to find my purpose. I have worked as a caregiver and as you know moved into a senior living apartment where I often volunteer and still try to take care of people. I was told recently that it is just my nature to be service oriented. I really have never believed that. I always poured myself into things as a means of escape from the things in life that were too painful to deal with. Now for the first time I am finding a purpose. A purpose not only for my still being here but a purpose for my entire life. Of coarse my family are important to me but I am talking about that very personal purpose that comes to give our life and hearts a boost. Last night my dear Michelle you gave something to me that I have needed for so long. You understand. Just like I understand what you are going through. I don't know how we got to this point in our lives where pain seems to always be the one emotion that we can depend on but we have gotten here. Like I said last night if I have helped you in even the smallest of ways then I know my purpose but you have to know it goes both ways. You have helped me as well in so many ways at a time when I have been at my lowest in a vey long time. Your purpose is to spread that love that you have so much of to the people like myself who know and understand your pain and need not only to be loved but share that love that we seem to have no place left to put. I hope that you are feeling better this morning. I am planning a walk and then fitness class this morning and the grocery. I should be home this afternoon. As always if you need to talk I am here. My heart is truly breaking for you because I too have been reliving those last days. The ones not only full of pain and heartache but the ones so full of love. Talk to you later. Love Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 I just got a call from hospice to attend my first grief support meeting tomorrow night. I'm scared...I don't know what to expect. Are they going to ask me to stand up in front of everyone and tell my "story"? I don't think I can do that. Posting my pain here on the boards is one thing, but standing in front of a group of people who are watching my every move is another. I'm a private person....very much so actually. It's "safe" on the internet. Not so much surrounded by others. I know that I "need emotional support", but how do I accept it? NEVER in my entire life have I truly needed others like I do now. Plus, to make matters worse my son suggested that "men are prowling" these kinds of places. GOOD LORD! That makes me sick to even think about! Maybe I should take someone with me ya think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I do understand what you are saying. My first support came from a trial on line support group for people who had lost a partner or spouse to any kind of cancer. I found that much easier to do. I could say what I wanted and if someone said something I didn't like I didn't have to read it. The pastor who had befriended Johnny and then myself suggested a support group but I just couldn't make myself go. Sometimes I regret that but again I had no one to go with me. I too was uncomfortable and didn't want anyone telling me that I shoudn't be so angry or that I shoudl move on. Had someone gone with me it may have been easier. As far as men trying to pick up women there I think they need someone to castrate them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Michelle- I have never been in your place but I think face to face groups are good. If you feel uncomfortable with being asked something, just tell that you are and need to wait until you feel comfortable enough to share that information. I would think that many of the people there had the same feelings like you are having when they first started. The one thing about bringing someone with you is that if they are not in the same position that you are in, it might make people uncomfortable talking in front of them. I just formed a face to face lung cancer support group, and that was one of the rules - no family members - just surviviors. That way everyone can speak freely and not feel like someone is listening who hasn't "been there". As far as men prowling - I KNOW you can take care of yourself!!! Hope you got to go - please let us know how it went. Remember - PM me if you ever want to talk!! Hugs - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianew Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Michelle - I haven't lost my husband so I can't begin to know what you are going through, but my parents died very suddently very close together, and being an only child it really threw me for a loop. I went to a grief support group meeting for awhile, and found it very helpful. There was no pressure at all, no one made anyone tell their "story", and you could simply sit and listen to the others until you were comfortable or wanted to add something. I only attended for a couple of months, but in all that time the only people there were women. I'm sure men did come on occasion, but I simply put it down to men being less apt to ask for help. I imagine all meetings are different, but it couldn't hurt to give it a try. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Go to the group with an open mind and remember no Pressure!!! Guys dont just prowl support groups they are everywhere so be careful!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Michelle, I too have sought grief counseling from Hospice however, I meet one on one with a counselor. He said we may "graduate" to group sessions but he feels like I need the one on one first. If you have issues with talking before a group you may want to ask about the personal counseling services they offer. Good luck, Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reynsie48 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 My older sister Winn, lost her husband to recurrent bowel cancer in 2000 and joined a group called "Friends In Grief" and I believe that without the super people in this organization we would have "lost" our Winn. Wonder of wonders, at Friend in Grief, she met a man 15 years her senior who lost his wife to lung cancer after she chose to go with alternative treatment. Both of these people lost their long term beloved partners through no fault of their own and after some years, fell in love and married two years ago. They have decided that although neither of them know how many years they have left, they are going to spend them together. They honour their beloved past mates regularly and talk about them often, and still to this day attend their Friends in Grief meetings as they both have made so many long term friends there and wish to contribute in any way possible to maintaining a group that gave them so much. Our family looks to Win and Vince as examples that two very lonely, very distraught, very loving people, can not only survive such dehabilitating grief but actually love and be happy again although in a different way and we have nothing but admiration for what they have achieved, it was a very deep hole to crawl out of. I truly believe that there is happiness out there for you and for Lily, in one form or another, and just involves giving life a chance. Even though there are many many morons out there, there are just as many decent human beings....... And on the side of humour, I and my husband both, work in a "nut house" and yes they do have "internet access" loll, and daily experience so very many people fighting (although a different fight), the fight of their life and often winning! Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Sandy, Thank you for that beautiful story. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda74 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Michelle, I just read your post. My husband passed Dec. 30, 2008 so I am ten months into this. Firstly, let me offer my deepest sympathy. There really are no words that can express my condolences. Those who are "walking the walk" know how painful this is. Hold on, Honey. Someone on this board recommended the Widownet site....www.widownet.org and it has been a life saver to me..... I attended the Hospice bereavement group and it was very beneficial....no men prowling..... And after all of the meetings, we have decided to meet once a month for dinner. We formed an incredible bond....a variety of ages, circumstances,....Do it, it will be worthwhile. You are able to express yourself and that will help you on this journey you never signed up for.......reach out....you have a community of friends here who get it, care and want to help.... God Bless you...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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