michellep Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I came here today to post about a new chapter in my life after losing Don 18 months ago and saw this thread.....how ironic huh? I too just recently started dating someone. I left California for Illinois and told myself this was going to be a new beginning for me. I have no doubt my husband would want me to be happy. The man I've met is wonderful. He lost his wife within three months of me losing Donald. I think that we appreciate each other so much because we can "relate" to such a loss. Only problem I am having now is "guilt". I ask myself...is this a normal emotion? It's not like I plan to marry this man...I can't imagine ever re marrying anyone. I just wanted a companion that I can enjoy time with and be able to laugh again and that's what he is giving me each and everyday. So....do you think this is too soon for me? How can I deal with the guilt I feel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annette Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Michelle, I can't begin to understand how you got through the loss of Donald. I read many of your posts over those first few months - and I honestly feel that you are doing the right thing. I would say that the guilt is an honest feeling that everyone feels once they work through all the phases you know so well from losing Donald. Talk to your companion - because I think that he probably has some of the same feelings that you do - that's why there is a connection. It is so good to hear a smile in your post - and I'm sure many folks here remember the road was not an easy one for you. Most important - you will always carry him safely in your heart. So very glad you can smile again, Annette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Michelle, First of all NO, NO, NO! I don't think it's too soon at all. No one can say how soon is too soon. Only you know when the time is right. I am so happy for you. I understand EVERYTHING you said in your post. I am 20 months out from losing Thom and I am lonely, scared about the future alone and feel guilt anytime I do think of moving forward. I hope to someday get to the point where you are. I miss having someone to laugh with and just have someone to do things with. I am so happy for you and hope this new special person in your life will help you to "live" again. Love, Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Michelle, I'm on board with the others. It's not too soon, it's time. You've had a long hard grieving process, experienced the move of your son and now your relocation. It's been a lot and it's time you get to experience some happy time. Judy in KW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joppette Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Michelle, I'm with everyone else. Please let the guilt go. Your husband would not want this for you. And if thoughts of marriage do come, in time, it's okay. What saved my Mom, after my Dad died, was connecting with a man who also lost his wife about the same time my Dad passed. They became really good friends at first. They did everything together, and it was so amazing for us kids to see her finally smiling again, and happy. When he finally proposed to her, and she said yes, we were elated. Elated! For her to find love again, made us so happy for her. Judy in MI Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 Thank you all for your kind words. Once again as you always have for over 2 yrs now is comfort me. I don't know how I would have been able to cope without all of you! Today is the 18th month and yes I am sad and my thoughts are remembering my loving husband, but the tears are easier to manage. Knowing that my husband would want me happy is helping with the feelings of guilt no doubt, so I will put on a happy face for my new friend and enjoy our evening together. I only hope that this friendship lasts for a long long time. I love smiling again and being happy! Thanks again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Michelle, If YOU don't think it's too soon and your heart is open to friendship, then it isn't too soon. You are not saying that you are over Donald, you are saying that you realize the loss and know that you need to reach out to others to work on closing the void. No one will ever replace Donald in your heart, but the human heart has great capacity for love. The rest of your life could be a very, very long time. I doubt that Donald expected you to spend it alone. You have to decide if you want to wade in slowly or just dive in head first. Be careful, but remember the lesson you have learned: Life is fleeting, get out of it what you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 It is not too soon! You have given yourself time and space to grieve the physical loss of your husband. You hold him in your heart as you continue with your life. I think it is wonderful that you have found a friend that can support you and makes you happy. Everyone is right, your husband wants you to be happy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I felt a lot of guilt when I started to date someone else. I think it's because you don't feel single-- there was no break-up, no divorce-- you still feel married. It takes awhile to get past the feeling that you are cheating on your spouse. I know that sounds weird but that's how I felt. I am so glad you are seeing someone. Be happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Ry, It has been 6 short months since my husband died, I'm not even close to thinking about dating yet. But what you said about the guilt and not feeling single really resonates with me. I've had those well meaning friends say "Oh you'll meet someone" and when they do, I can't help but think how can I date, I'm married? So what you said doesn't sound weird at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I have actually had a its ok to date dream about Deb and I ! she told me that one night in my sleep... SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME!!! Have tried the dating thing but nothing really clicked so.. just working my butt off right now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianew Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Since I'm not the caregiver, I can't imagine being in the position that most everyone here has been in, but I know how I feel about my husband meeting someone else. We've been married 45 years (and I'm hoping to make 50). We got married young, so he's only 65. He's also very independent and tends to be more of a loner - I worry he'll turn into a hermit. The one thing that would just break my heart would be for him to spend the rest of his life alone. Michelle, I'm sure Donald is very happy that you have met someone and are finding some happiness. Randy - you just never know when you'll meet someone and things will "click" - and a lucky person it will be! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Randy, Gene actually gave me the okay before he died. At dinner one night he told me he didn't "want me acting like his Mom". His Dad died when she was in her early 50's and she never dated anyone. Gene worried alot about her being lonely. Of course I wasn't ready to hear that then but it does help to know that he feels that way. I also think he wanted to have the discussion then because Cassie was with us. I think he wanted her to know that he would be okay with me meeting someone. His brother and sister very much against his mother dating, and he felt that was why she didn't Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 oh we had talked about it and I have tried it and all, just get weird feelings sometimes! I can and will just sometimes get too feeling not quite right about things sometimes and have not found anyone that makes time for me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I bet Deb will let you know when it is someone she approves of! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 It's been almost two months now since I came here for advice on seeing someone else. We are still together and very happy. I am so glad that I found someone who can relate to my feelings since he himself lost his wife within three months of me losing Donald. We are able to talk about our spouses and comfort each other. How special is that huh? Since moving here I am starting to turn into a country girl and am loving it! We spend a lot of time with his family and friends. Only thing I can't seem to adjust to is "lipstick" LOL In California never left the house without having my hair perfect....all dressed up....and "lipstick". Women here could care less about those things. I continue to talk to my husband daily and that will never stop. I think that somehow he was behind finding me some happiness again. I just hope that it lasts for a long long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Michelle, it's good to see you sounding so happy. I feel sure, Donald would have wanted this for you. It's good that you have found someone who can relate to your grief and understand the emotional toll. You aren't replacing Donald, you are just starting another chapter in your life. Donald will always be a part of what made you who you are and I'm sure he will live on in your heart forever. May this new found happiness just continue to grow and blossom. God Bless. Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Michelle, I'm so happy for you. You deserve this love and, like Sue, I think Donald would have approved and maybe have helped it along a little bit. Enjoy every minute of your life! Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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