What was I thinking? Long, skip if you are in a good place:)

[Sheri]

My Dad died in August of 2007, a little over 5 years ago. I still visit this site a few times a month, offer nothing, just like to check and silently rejoice in the survivors who were here when I was around. For other caregivers who have lost your loved ones I would not recommend clicking on the "view your posts" link. A flood of memories came back that I didn't need to read, followed by a flood of tears.

I was laid off from a great job in November 2010. I got three drunk drivings in one year, spent a year in jail, lost my house, my clean background and my stepfather to lung cancer. My stepfather died in January of 2011, while I was in jail and as much as I tried, I just couldn't comfort my Mom in California by phone in her time of need. My sister, who broke her ankle had the time off work to help my Mom but I guess she was too "busy" to give a shi_. One of my darkest moments was when my daughter who was 19 at the time told me she received nothing for Christmas. As an only child she was used to being completely spoiled on her birthdays and Christmas. I remember being on the phone with her and sliding to the floor as she tried to stifle her tears.

The foreclosure process took a year to complete so my daughter had a place to live. She dropped out of college on medical, the stress of maintaining the household and herself was too much. Fortunately I did have unemployment for her for awhile but she did have to get two jobs just to keep the lights on. My Dad's house in Michigan sold way below market value and my sister took the bulk of his estate. Fortunately, I did receive five thousand dollars, enough to move us out here to CA to take care of my Mom. She cannot live alone, about 20 years ago she was robbed and hit 3 times over her head with an ax. She has a serious seizure disorder amongst other disabilities.

I got out of jail July 22, 2011 and had three weeks to pack up my house of 20 years and move out here to CA. My daugher couldn't help with the house, she was in an ATV accident and broke her collar bone. In recovery and without insurance for anti-anxiety meds I stressed to no end. If there is such a thing as a nervous breakdown, I'm sure I was having one. My Mom had three grand mal seizures after her husband of 33 years died and I had to put her in a nursing home until I could get out here. We've been out here for a year and I can't find a job because I don't have a drivers license and my criminal background prevents me from working in social work. I've never done anything else, I've always been an executive director, director or served in middle management for non-profits. McDonalds won't even hire me, thinking they'll train me only to see me leave when I do find a job in my field.

My daughter is now 21, she was 20 when she left her life long friends and the small town she lived in her whole life to come out with me and take care of her Gram. She is my lifeline. I've had several breakdowns since I've been here and though my baby lives across town she will come when I call. My Mom and I have been living on her social security which doesn't go very far. Thankfully her house is paid off. I really do love living with my Mom, she spoils me when I should be spoiling her and fortunately she hasn't had a seizure since I've been here. She was hospitalized for 5 days with pneumonia and now she has her good days and bad days. She's only 68 and has early onset dementia, so sometimes I have to remind her of things many times.

She wants to move, too many memories in this house but until I can get a job and a full time caretaker I'm unable to do this for her.

I dream of my Dad often, there's not a day I don't miss him and wonder what life would be like now if he were still here. I still have those moments when I think, oh I have to remember to tell Dad this, he'd crackup. I've been doing volunteer work to get out there and network, but again I can't leave Mom home alone for long.

Well that's about it. For those of you who are thinking "wth", I just needed to vent and also let you guys know I often think of you and wish everyone good health.

Sheri

[Kasey]

Oh Sheri,

Am I so very sorry to hear of all your trials over the past several years. I do believe I remember you and even posting to you on occasion. I am glad you felt you had someplace to vent, and hopefully find some comfort in knowing that people who remember you are here to support you as much as can be done in cyberworld.

You've been around here long enough to know one thing we try to do is just put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along. I hope you can get some in person suppert where you are, but if not, at least know that one person is out here and listening. I'll be cheering you on.

Kasey

[RandyW]

vent away and get it off your mind.... Sorry all of your troubles but hugs and prayers for a turn around for you!!

[Andrea]

So sorry to hear how rough it is. Welcome back. Please vent to us. Hugs

[dianew]

I joined a little more than a year after your Dad died so I don't remember, but I just wanted to say hi and also how sorry I am that things have been so rough. I am glad you have your daughter and your mother and hope that things will improve soon. Once touched by LC, I think we are all forever members of a special club - even though it's one we didn't want to join - so I hope you continue to let us know how you are doing. I am rooting for you as well!

[Sheri]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Fortunately I don't have a felony on my record and there is an opportunity for me to join the American Lung Cancer Association of California. That would be my dream job, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Again thank you for your support, I still cry over my Dad but I'm hoping that too will pass. I know I'll never get over his loss, I just hope someday it lessens.

My depression is not as bad, I'm in recovery and I'm ready to fight Lung Cancer. I'd spend 5 years in jail to get my Dad back but as we know that isn't possible. I wish you all good health and thank you for your kind responses.