time and keeping busy

[lilyjohn]

It is that time of year again. The time that always brings those painful memories of eleven years ago. I keep busy all of the time often I plan to be on my way to Louisiana or there at this time. It helps a lot but this year is different.

I am not going to Louisiana until March for my grandson's wedding. Then several days ago in the midst of all my rushing and planning activities for myself and my neighbors it hit me. The dates this year fall exactly as they did eleven years ago. Everything that happened those last days of Johnny's life is coming back to me. I am stronger and better able to handle those memories but there are times when I just want to sit and cry for all that we lost and all that we went through those days.

On this date at this time I was driving the interstate between Centralia and Olympia trying to keep up with Johnny's son at speeds up to 80 mph so I wouldn't get lost. I had never driven there before and didn't know the way. It was cold, there was a cold white fog that covered everything. The hospital in Centralia had shipped Johnny there the night before against our wishes and I couldn't get there until morning. He had called asking me to get there because he missed me. He remembered nothing of that nightmare day and the drugs given him the day before.

I thought he was going to be alright after getting past those drugs they had given him. I had no idea that soon they would start again and that just two days later I would be in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I lived in that cold white fog for over two years before I learned to live with the pain and loss. If it had not been for my friends here who understood I don't know if I could have ever survived with my mind in tact.

I got by this date and the ones to come by keeping busy and it was getting easier, then two years ago there was another blow. I was in Bakersfield at my cousin's on my way to Louisiana when I got the call. Sometime during the night my niece Jackie had gotten out of her sick bed, she had bronchitis, they found her the next morning on the floor with eggs and orange juice next to here. She must have gotten hungry and got up to fix something. By the time her brother went to check on her the nest morning her body was already cold.

So now this date has a double heartache. I will get through it because I am stronger than I was but those memories still hurt and put a pall on the holidays. Spending them alone this year will not be easy but I have busy plans. thanks once again for "listening" to me. Ann I know that these are rough days for you as well. You are in my thoughts as these hard days for us both keep coming.

[lilyjohn]

Thanks Katie. The past few years were a little easier until my niece died and even sense then I have made out alright. I think it hit me harder this year because of the way the calendar has fallen. Eleven years ago Thanksgiving was on the 28th just as this year and the 29th was one of the hardest days and then there was that last Sunday and then on Monday morning the second I stood helplessly and watched Johnny die. For some reason having those dates and days fall the same has made this year especially hard. I am just thankful that I have so much to keep me busy. I am sure that Ann is probably having a hard time as well. There are just too many of us who have lost someone we love to that monster. Someday it will no longer be able to destroy so many lives. That day will come and when it does it will be because of people like you Katie who have taken their own grief and used it as a catapult to start a change. I know that it is painfully slow, but you are making a difference. Bless you for that.