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gentyl26

Daddy...It's my Birthday but you JUST died.I miss you..

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Daddy ..today is supposed to be a happy day..a celebration of my life.. but you just suddenly left me on September 10th . I feel no joy..only loss.

I am so alone and so sad.

I asked one wish for my birthday..that I could be with you when you died. I was rushing to the ICU to be with you and you left before I could get there.

I hope you saw me racing to be there somehow and felt my tears on your still warm body. Daddy..I would have done anything to get there. I WAS on my way.

This is all I wanted for this birthday I knew was coming. I cried out to God in those frantic last moments to grant me the honor of being there with you as you drew your last breath.. but I never seem to get what I ask God for. Daddy..I think God has forgot me.

Daddy I loved you my whole life and life without you is really no life at all.

I am trying so hard to honor you by doing everything as you would have wanted. ..the right way~ the honest way..though no one else in this world seems to reward those values anymore. It is my way of honoring all you stood for. The way YOU lived is more important to me than taking the easy way out...but it is hard.

We never got the time to clean up your affairs and this makes it so hard. I know you didn't want things to be the mess they are and I know you did not know better. Business and the world is heartless. I am glad you do not see how difficult it is to handle all the details after your death.

I sometimes even find comfort in the fact that you were such a simple, plain, and honest man that you never saw the world as ugly as it can be. It only serves to remind me what a good man you were and how blessed I was to be your daughter. The world does not make men like you anymore.

I still can't believe you are gone. It's like a bad dream. Today of all days I miss you more than I think I can even bear.

Daddy I want you to KNOW I will always be Your Little Girl..

gentyl26

P.S.- I can't type out a timeline just yet. Everything is still just one big blur ~ dates,events, etc. All I know is one day you were fine and the next day you has SCLC and then, much too soon.. [even to the doctor's dismay] ..without warning ~ you were *gone.*

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Dear Gentle,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daddy. :cry: Yes, you will miss him. I miss mine, too - a lot more than I can put into words!!

The same thing that happened to you about getting there too late happened to my sister who lives in another state when my mom died. We knew it was coming soon and she got an expensive flight here, but our mom died as she was coming up the elevator at the hospital. My husband went to meet her and hold her and give her the news. It was very, very sad. She was devastated for a long time but has come to realize that death isn't something that we can schedule. Everything happens for a reason, Gentle, I truly believe that. It's even possible that your dad just didn't want you to witness his dying and wanted you to remember him the way you loved him. Time will heal this deep wound, honey, but no words can save you from the grief. I do promise that it will get better.

God bless you,

Peggy

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Gentyl,

I'm not really sure what I can write to make you feel better, but I wanted to tell you that almost everything that you typed, could have been me typing about my dad.

My dad had a sudden heart attack and I was notified at work. I drove to the hospital as fast as I could, a 1/2 hour drive and as soon as I saw my friend standing outside crying, I knew I was too late. I remember going in and them asking if I wanted to see him..I went into this room and my dad laid there, I still remember the flannel shirt he had on. I wanted him back and I wanted life back to the way that I knew it to be but in that moment I knew that it wasn't going to be.

Believe it or not, the pain passes and fades as time goes on. I know this doesn't help you now, but I hope that the knowledge that others have been through your pain and know where you are right now, helps in some small way. I wish there was a way to help you more.

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He knew you were on your way. And he's with you every day.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please come back to this board and let us be of support to you during this horrible time.

Praying for us all,

TeeTaa

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I know how you are feeling right now. I lost my brother and within 6 months I lost my mother. I know the feeling when you loose a parent. I was Momma's boy. Not A Momma's boy. I looked after her affairs and took care of her home for about the last 15 years of her life. It is hard now I know. It will get easier with time. I relize it is hard to believe tho. Think of the pain your dad was in and now take a deep breath and think of the peace and joy he has now. Wish I could say more or do something to help you, but I can't. Please know that there are 1400 people here if you need to talk.

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all for answering. Today IS the roughest day I have experienced and I knew if I did NOT reach out and speak somehow..I will have no tomorrow.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in my life ~ I had no birthday card from my father. In fact...I received no birthday cards or birthday wishes at all. Is it as if I do not exist in this life anymore.

My parents had me late in life and I became disabled myself at 39. Today I am 48...but I feel either 2 or 92. Can't decide which.

My entire life I was the emotional and intellectual caretaker of the family. The one everyone turned to in a crisis.

Well everyone is just a heap of ashes now. I am a collector of ashes. They are ALL gone.

No more parents, aunts, cousins, no sisters ..even no friends. They all died young. Even my last healthy friend. She just died suddenly last fall. Even my beloved cat of 17 years died two days before my Dad got diagnosed. I collect ashes and mass cards.

My father supported me and my son for the past 8 years. It was a meager existence..but a comfortable one. His pension and SS paid the major bills.

My pittance of SSD paid for all the food and some small bills of my own. My son gave my Dad $100 a week for the bill overages and used the rest for his own bills.

Now we have nothing. No home (we have rented for 37 years), no way to make due.

My health has steadily fell over the last few years at the same time that the state and government put less funding and emphasis into quality care and/or support services. Just the way it played out. Not a sob story. Just fact. I am long over holding onto illusions.

I could make it and keep hanging tough [even with my own issues] as long as I had my father to worry about and vice versa. We all managed to survive..but now, with the sudden loss of the financial care taker..the loss is not just emotional hell.. but devestating in insurmountable ways.

Totally lost. No way to pay bills when the money just is not there. No way to make a budget when the numbers do not even meet the necessities.

And now I have no father. I am the oldest at 48 of an entire family lineage and have nothing positive to look forward to. I am truly drained.

I spent 2 hours frozen in my room this morning looking at a lifetime of things. They hold value to no one now but me. All of the people who shared the story of each item has passed.

I am the last witness to so many lives and possessions. The ultimate irony is I know soon we will lose what I have known as my home for 37 years because the rent is higher than we bring in and I am so unwell myself I can't stand long to even pack them up if I wanted. DO I toss them ? Just end my life and let someone else rummage through and take what catches their eye? Why try to hold on to things that no longer can be appreciated ?

I don't do alone well.

On the bright side ~ I cared for all of those who went before me well. They all died better deaths because I was there...the nurturer. They KNEW I watched over and advocated for them like a mother lion and I know that gave them ALL a deep sense of comfort.

I can look at myself in the mirror and KNOW that without a doubt.

So I am thinking perhaps my purpose on this earth is done. There does not seem to be anyone left to now take care of me..and that's okay.

I have tried in every which way to tell all the social service agencies that I finally need some care taking ..but they do not respond or they tell me there are no funds now. I am tired of asking. Proud and as Type A as I am..it was even hard to ask to begin with.

This life is truly no life now. Not really. I see no hope for tomorrow.

I don't know WHY it turned out this way at such a young age but it did and it has.

Perhaps the was God's job for me and he wants me home.

Today is a truly " threshold of revelation" type of day for me.

My day of birth.

Is it illogical to end an existence that has no real hope of a happy future or more responsible to know when to call it quits?

This is my question.

gentyl26

Ps--Yes I know I could go into a hospital for a few days ( my insurance is horendous..a few days is all I would get...if that) but I also know they can do very little except offer me so-called anti-depressant pills. They can NOT realistically replace a family/support system or a way of life or make my many physical disabilties or financial hardships go away.

Also this in no way diminishes the love I had for my father. I would give anything for it to have been me instead of him who died. He at least could have continued to support my son. Love IS important..but love does not produce anything tangible...like a roof over one's head.

I hope someone can understand what I am saying. Surely I can not be the only person in the world to have ever come to this type of cross road.

I chose to put this here because all of you here have dealt with profound loss in the hopes the someone here knows what type of emotions and realities I am grappling with due to this loss of my father that really ended my life and family as well forever as I knew it.

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Gentyl,

I am not good with this stuff so I hope you bear with me. I can't always find the words to say what I need to say. I may not have the answers you seek, but I saw your post and could not leave it unanswered.

Is it illogical to end an existence that has no real hope of a happy future or more responsible to know when to call it quits?

I know that things seem bleak to you today. I read somewhere a long time ago that people that end their lives do so with the surety of knowing that things will not get any better. The only problem with that is, that I know that in my life, as many times as I thought things went to hell, they always got better. They never just stayed bad. Even when I was in a major depression and became unable to leave my house for 6 months..I felt like I was in a big, black hole...but it got better. Even with surgery, and 2/3 of my lung taken out and all the mental stuff that goes along with cancer, I still have plenty of good days. Life never stays 100% bleak and we have no way of knowing what better stuff is waiting for us around the next corner..

You cannot make any decisions for your life based on the feelings that you are feeling today. You have just lost your dad, and it is your birthday. Hey, I just turned 48 last month, so I know how THAT feels!! You keep mentioning your son... tell us more about him.

If you wish, feel free to PM me your phone number and I will give you a call. Otherwise, hang in there, and keep coming back here...

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What went through my mind after reading your post was this . . . "What would it do to your son to lose you too?" I don't mean to lay a guilt trip on you, but you must consider that. Like Debi, I'd be more than glad to talk person-to-person with you. And I agree that tomorrow you'll most likely see things a little differently. Maybe not completely rose-colored, but maybe not so grey either.

Just PM me your number and I'll call. Sometimes it just helps to hear a friendly voice, and I can at least provide that.

And by the way - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

Praying for us all,

TeeTaa

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It truly means a LOT to me that you both understand what I am saying and feeling without thinking I am off my rocker or delusional. (Many panic if you speak so bluntly about how you really ARE feeling.)

MY son is 25 and many times the ONLY reason I am still fighting. However..now that my Dad has passed, I am trying to decide if his life is better from here on out with me or without me at this juncture...

~in other words..am I holding him back due to my physical and emotional laibilites ( I tend to suddenly have become rather agoraphoic this past year as well) or is my continued prescense the best thing for him?

Before my dad went, I always thought for me to stay would be best. Now I am not so sure.

He is young..young enough to have *adventures* and rough it...sleeping on stranger's couches if need be.

I remember being 25 and having my own exciting adventures.

I am too old, too tired and too disabled now to be that flexible and I am really going to hinder him. He wants to move to California. We currently live in PA and I do have a young granddaughter here. (Another long story..not wanting to bring that in to further complicate it.)

HE has lost a LOT too. He said the other day there were 4 people he loved at the beginning of this year.."Me, my Dad, his niece and our cat" and now 2 of them are gone. I ached for him. He is such a loving and kind person. A rare commodity in a world of self-centered youth these days I see around me.

He made the decision when he was 18 to stay with my Dad and me because he wanted to spend the rest of POP's days with him and he did not know how long that would be. MY daughter took off and never looked back.

Most in this world would call my daughter a sucess. I see it different. She has no heart. HE is ALL heart. To me.heart is what matters.

In the last few years..as I also got sicker..he became almost the caregiver of both my Dad and I. When does he get to be released?

Sigh. So many things to ponder and decide.

I care more for my son than myself. I truly do. He is young and has a whole life to go out and live. I KNOW he would NOT leave me ..so I have to ask if I should leave him...

It is very complex. AN inner debate playing over and over in my head lately..

Thank you BOTH for the offer to talk personally. I need to do that but not tonight. I need to unwind and try to shut my head off for awhile. I hope you understand.

I am not one to suddenly just impulsively end my life. As you can see.If I do decide that..it would be a well thought out , deliberate decision.

I really AM debating this now though. I never thought someone like myself who loved life so much would ever end up feeling so beat down and broke down.but I do deal in reality and this reality the past few years has been rather turturous and I KNOW it is not going to get better in the near future. In fact..most likely..much much worse.

Much appreciation for letting my speak and listening and caring...

gentyl26

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I have to take issue with your statement that, "I KNOW it is not going to get better in the near future. In fact..most likely..much much worse. " Yes, it seems as if that just HAS to be true, but there's no way you can be sure.

It is truly a credit to you that you've raised such a warm, caring son. He surely didn't get that way all on his own . . .

No, I don't know the granddaughter story, but I'm assuming she's your daughter's offspring. And if your daughter is so heartless, it's important that that child be exposed to something other than that . . . and that's an exposure you and your son can provide.

I've heard it said that suicide is the single most selfish act a person can commit. You might be doing a darn good job of convincing yourself that you're doing it for noble reasons, but it's still selfish, no matter how you look at it. And I can tell, without a shadow of a doubt, that you're not truly a selfish person.

I understand your not wanting to talk just yet. But please let us at least help you by being a sounding board . . . when you're ready. We're here.

Go to sleep tonight with the knowledge that you've done a heck of a job raising your son and taking care of so many others for so many years. Now it's just time for you to do some "taking" instead of "giving," and I'm sure your Daddy is looking down saying the same thing.

Praying for us all,

TeeTaa

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this world is so sad without a daddy ...

a dad who could undrestand his daughter .......

a dad who could stand on his daughter's back ....

a dad who could remove his daughter's tears ..

a dad who never let anyone make his daughter sad ..

..

i need you daddy .... i need you for my life ... for myself ... for being on my back , and feel your hand on my shoulder ...

daddy i miss you more than anything in this stupid world ..

daddy ,..

it's my 18th birthday ............

and you're not hear .....

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