I'm not new. In fact, my Adenocarcinoma (Pancoast) lung cancer journey began in October 2004. I was diagnoised at State IV. Mets to chest wall and liver. I was given 2-6 months with treatment and 1 to 2 years with treatment. I've had reocurrences. One time, I was told to get my affairs in order. Yes, I'm still here. Thank God. It started off crazy (as I would imagine, everyone else did too). But, what I am searching for are connections. People like myself. Someone to relate to. Anyone who has the same issues (or close) as mine. I have had my share of issues over the past (soon to be 17 years). The feelings, the thoughts they keep coming back to a word I discovered a few years ago. Guilt. Then there is the treatment. I'm still on Tarceva. I've been on Tarceva since 2005. Sometimes I feel stuck in time. The world moves on. My issues might be unique. I don't know. Sooo....
I have lost so many friends and family members during this 17 year survivorship. I can no longer count them on my fingers. I meet people at my checkups and I want to encourage them. But, I know in my heart they are asking WHY NOT ME??? You see, there is no reason. There is no medicine. No answer. Nothing I've done or didn't do. It was all out of my control. I've got nothing to say. No support. No advice. No secret. Nothing. That leaves me feeling like a failure. Like I'm not doing what was intended for me to do. But, what exactly is it I'm supposed to do?
Doctors see me at my checkups. They read the scans. They check out new areas of interest. They say I am a miracle. I go back and forth between 3 month checkups to 6 month checkups and now again I have graduated to a yearly checkup. Please do not misunderstand, I am grateful. I am scared too. I am always scared.
When I was diagnosed, my son was 6 years old. I grieved all the things I would miss. I have a 9 month old granddaughter now. Imagine that. I have everything to be grateful for. Yet, this old feeling seeps in. I think it's called Survivor Guilt. And I know it's a lonely place to be because there aren't many. I want more! I want you to know that I cry for you. All of you. I am so sorry that many of you are going through the worst fight of your life. Make everyday count. That's all I can do. That's all I did. I talk to God alot! I no longer take things for granted. I am not a miracle. I am so much less. And Everything and Everyone I see is so very beautiful and so precious. Life has it's share of hard times. This body, this Cancer did not define me! I continue to turn it into a Blessing. Not an End. My body may end one day, but I won't.
Since I am always searching for the Why (because I am human) I ran across this and I thought it would be worth sharing...
Isaiah 57:1-2 King James Version
"The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come.
He shall enter into peace: they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprightness."