Ann

My husband had radiation to relieve the terrible pain in his spine due to mets. Although it did not buy any time, the pain was relieved a bit and he did not require as many pain meds. This helped him to remain able to think clearer for a bit more time. I can say that the radiation really made him weak and seemed to speed his decline. He handled the chemo much better than the radiation.

So great to see you back with us. Glad you're feeling somewhat better. You know, it's so strange you posted this today. Just yesterday, I was thinking of requesting Dennis's medical records. I just wanted to see how really bad the situation was. I guess in a way, knowing will help me deal with my loss. I, too, believe Dennis had brain mets. Both lungs, liver and spine were affected. The last scan on the brain showed nothing, according to our onc. We had an extremely caring onc and staff at MD Anderson and I know they wanted to spare us as much pain as possible. Dennis never asked how long he had. I told the doctor not to tell him, unless he wanted to know. But...back to your post....I, too, would like to know just what we were dealing with from the beginning. Chin-Up Christina!!! Together we WILL make it through this bitter journey!!!!

I know how you are feeling. I lost my husband of 26 years December 15th, 2002. He had just turned 50 years old. We had known about his sclc for only 10 months. I know how you are hurting and how empty you feel. It feels as if nothing will ever be better again. Believe me...there will be better days ahead. You will begin to remember the great times you had together and think less and less about the sad times while you were dealing with cancer. There are days that I think I am really doing fine and then some little something will come along and bring back all the feelings all over again. I think you should listen to your dear daughter's advice and call about the support group. There is nothing more helpful that talking to people that have been through what you are now going through. That's the great thing about this group...we all understand each other and are always here for support. Keep joining us. It does help!!! In the meantime, you are in my prayers. God will keep you strong and able to bear this!

Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think of you so often and remember how much help you were to me when Dennis was diagnosed. Remember? You guys were in the same clinical. You ARE a survivor!!! Prayers going up for you right now!!!

Wow! Dennis has been gone since December 15th and I really thought I was adjusting well. That is...until last night. There is one room in our house that Dennis used for his office/hobby room. I have not yet been able to change that room or empty the contents. Dennis had all his favorite "toys" in that room. Well, last night while searching for some paperwork, I actually stumbled over his favorite pair of work boots. They were just sitting there with his socks folded neatly inside, as if he had just taken them off. Everything came rolling back! I relived things I hoped to never think of again relating to his illness. Who would have thought that such a small thing as a pair of boots could stir such emotions? What a terrible night I had. No sleep and I had to get up for work this morning! Today, I feel as if he has been taken from me all over again. But...those boots remain sitting there, almost as if they are waiting for him to put them on. I also have his favorite down jacket that I can't part with. You know...I can still bury my face in that jacket and it smells like Dennis. Thanks so much for listening...you guys are great and really help so very much!!!

So sorry to hear of your Mom's passing. I know this is always hard but in your case yu hardly had time to even begin to adjust to her illness. My husband was 49 when he was diagnosed and had just turned 50 when he died. Cancer has no age discrimination...old and young alike are stricken! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ada will be greatly missed. Her posts were always wonderful to read. She was very kind and caring. Prayers and sympathy to her family.

So sorry to see that you're thinking of leaving us! You have posted such wonderful messages that have been an inspiration to all of us. Each of us have to deal with loss in different ways. Maybe you need to put all of the sorrow behind you. I find this board is a lifeline for me in many different ways. There are always caring people, willing to listen. They have all been touched in some way by cancer and can relate. Understanding from others helps a lot in the healing process. Take some time....sort things out...and please reconsider leaving us!

Shirley.....My heart really goes out to you! I have had time now (nine long months) to try and adjust to life without Dennis. Some days I think I'm doing a bit better and other days it all comes rolling back...full speed ahead. You know...you are right! Randy would not have wanted to see you in such pain. My best friend had a very vivid dream not long after Dennis died. In the dream, Dennis asked her to tell me that "he wanted me to live the life he could no longer live and let me know that he would be waiting for me. I have tried to keep that dream and those words in my mind each and every day. Dennis loved life and was very outgoing. He loved so many diverse things...hunting, fishing, ham radio, astronomy, remote controlled airplanes, rebuilding old cars....and more!!!! I think he loved life more than anyone I have ever known. I just try and live now for him. It's so hard to be alone. There have been so many times that I prayed this was just a bad dream and that I would wake up...but that never happened! I try and go on for my children. Although they are grown, this was very hard for them. Dennis was brave in his fight for life and I need to be strong for him now! Please know that you can email me at any time. There are days I need to talk to! My prayers are with you!!!!

Although I lost Dennis in December, coming to this board still, in some strange way, helps to keep all memories of him more alive. I know that sounds very strange but I remember how things were when I first found this board. I remember how very kind so many people were to me and how much help and encouragement they gave. I feel that here, Dennis is more than just a memory. He is one of many brave warriors that lived ...and died...fighting an unseen demon. I hope that I can help others that are just now experiencing what came my way nine months ago. Like Katie said...big mouths can make a difference. I have a big mouth when it comes to my intense hatred for this dreaded disease. I do want to make a difference!!!!

First of all, don't ever worry about being a burden here. Everyone wants to help each other. Second, everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Grief will happen in stages. I remember clearly the day that it hit me that I would never see Dennis again. Although I knew he was never coming back, the thought that I would never see that beautiful face again finally hit home. I handled it very poorly. I went to the store and bought a big bottle of wine. I drank the entire bottle alone and then was really depressed. My sons had to "rescue" me at 2:00 am when I called them in tears. There will be so many stages and so many little thoughts that will trigger these lows. The hardest part is accepting the finality of the entire thing. Some will advise to think of the happy times when you get really down. I do the opposite. When my spirits are very low, I think of how very sick Dennis was and how he suffered. Then I can close my eyes and thank God that he will never have to endure that terrible pain again. Things work differently for different people. You just have to work through this and find what helps you the most. I do know that Hospice has some very great support groups. Maybe you could check into that. There, everyone could relate to your feelings. Please know that things will get better. It's been 9 long months since I lost the love of my life. It seems like an eternity since I held his hand or kissed his lips. But....there are some rays of sunshine in my life now. I still have some very rough times that can be triggered by the smallest things...a song on the radio...a smell...a familiar place...a truck like his. So my friend....keep up the faith! Don't hold in the tears...let 'em all out. Remember you have lots of friends here that will do anything necessary to help you!!!

I am so sorry for the pain both you girls are experiencing. I know how bad it hurts to lose someone you love. I also know the "empty" feeling that Katie described. For months, everything revolves around cancer. We keep busy going to doctors, treatment, tests and then do research in our spare time. Then, when the end comes it is extremely hard to figure out what to do with time. You are both in my prayers daily!!!

Such a beautiful song. Thank you for sharing. We all feel so close to you and your Dad. I think it's great that people now choose music that is meaningful to them rather than standard hymns. At Dennis's service I played "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Keep the faith...you're stronger than you think!!!

So sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers go out to you and your daughter. I lost my DH in December, 2002, so I can relate to the pain you are experiencing. My husband also had spinal tumors and we worried about compression throughout his illness. If you need anyone to chat with, please contact me. I know from experience that it helps to talk to understanding people and this board has many of them!!!

Although Hospice was a wonderful help to me, I still was the primary caretaker for my husband. They had an aide that came three times a week to bathe him. The RN came twice a week. They have a volunteer group of people that come and sit while you run errands, etc. but I never used that service. Meds were delivered to the door after the RN ordered them. This service was paid for by my insurance. I'm not sure what Medicare will or will not cover, as Dennis wasn't diagnosed long enough to be eligible for benefits. If you have a large family, I would try and begin a rotation schedule. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Let me know if there is anything else I can be of help with. Oh....insurance will pay for hospital bed and all needed equipment rentals.

My heart really goes out to you. I know what you are feeling and sometimes I too call out Dennis's name in hope that somehow, some way he will answer. Dennis and I were together for 26 years and together built a lifetime of memories. It's just so very hard to go on alone when you have had so many years of togetherness. I'm keeping you in my prayers. I can definitely relate, so if you ever need a sounding board, I'm just a mouse click away. Hang in there!!!!

Lily....So sorry about the death of your loved one. Losing someone you love is a terrible ordeal. I do agree with you regarding the hope that we must all possess....patient and caregiver. Although my husband was told from the beginning....non-cureable.....non-operable...chemo can buy some time.....he still had the will and hope to fight the cancer. I asked the doctor in private just how long "some time" was. When he told me "maybe a year if we're lucky" I almost fell through the floor. I did, however, ask the doctor not to tell Dennis how long he thought he had unless Dennis specifically asked. He never asked...never!!! His spirits remained good until the end. Just days before his death, he would tell friends that he was going to beat this cancer and that things were going well. This came from a man that was not eating at all for weeks and barely sipping liquid. So, I believe had he known the estimated time left, he would have given up. I do know that pain killers are necessary and must be used. I also know that Dennis was doing much better when he was not taking the pain killers. When he began the Oxycontin, he basically stopped eating and became very withdrawn. His attitude changed and his eating habits declined rapidly. How can you eat when you're sleeping? I discussed this with the doctor and finally, he agreed to try radiation to his spine to help alleviate the pain. This did help and we were able to cut back on pain meds...but...he had declined so rapidly from the lack of nourishment it was too late for a comeback. Thank you for joining this board and sharing your story.

Cathy...So sorry about your Dad. I guess I, too, missed the post about your loss. Having lost a husband in December and having lost both parents years ago, I know how you feel...but wish I didn't. Life will never be the same but time will begin to heal your broken heart and slowly mend your soul. I think losing a Dad is especially hard on a daughter. Dads always seem to know just what to say and do that always seem to make things a little bit better, regardless of how severe the situation. When I lost my Dad, I felt I had lost my best friend. You will feel better in time. Just when that time is...no one can say. Each person heals differently and at their own pace. My Mom was taken suddenly and my Dad, like Dennis, had a lingering illness. I think I somehow found peace in both Dad and Dennis's deaths due to the severity of their illnesses. It was somehow a blessing that they no longer suffered. Keep busy. Going back to work may be very good for you. Give yourself plenty of "alone" time to reminise about your Dad. This will help you remember all the good times you shared together. You will remain in my prayers!!!

Way to go Cindy!!! Such great news!!! Hope you "kicked up your heels" and celebrated life!!!

I have talked to so many people since Feb., 2002 when Dennis was diagnosed with SCLC, that have similar stories to yours, Donna. I really believe that most oncologists are so frustrated and overwhelmed by SCLC that they are just grasping at straws. Thank goodness we had a very agressive oncologist , Dr. Omar Kayaleh, at M.D. Anderson - Orlando. He never gave up on Dennis and was there for us until the end. He was very straightforward with us from the beginning but nevertheless, he kept trying new things. I do believe that some oncologists just hear the words SCLC and throw their hands in the air. You are so on the right track by being proactive!!! Don't lose faith! There are so very many good doctors out in the world and I'm sure you will find the right one for Steve. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how frustrated you are feeling right now!

So sorry to hear of your mom's passing. You...and certainly your dad...are in my prayers. I know what you are feeling...grieving the loss of your mom and being strong for your dad. Although I know your heart is broken and you feel terribly alone right now, please remember that her suffering is over. I know it may be hard to think that way for a while, but the sooner you focus on that, the sooner you will begin to heal. I believe that most people I know that have lost loved ones to cancer seem to have a bit easier time, because they see the pain (physical and mental) that this terrible disease causes. Please know that we are all here for you and you will never be alone.

It seems like many of us have been doing the "cowboy up" thing lately. I had to do it myself today. I found an undeveloped disposable camera in Dennis's van today. I took it right away to get it developed, as I had forgotten what was on the film. When I got the pictures back, I almost died. There was a beautiful picture that I had taken of my wonderful husband the last time we had gone fishing together...about last July or early August!!! The picture was wonderful....he still looked so healthy at this point. Who could have imagined in just four months he would be gone? The remaining pictures were ones he had taken of some jobsites...he was a plumbing contractor. Today I sold the last of his vans and that is also hard. It was so hard to see his personal van driven off a couple of weeks ago. I can go a few days and be OK and then have a little thing like this hit and I fall like a ton of bricks! God bless and care for us all!!!!

So sorry to learn of your loss. I know just how difficult this time is for you. Keep busy. Spend time with your family and friends and try very hard to remember the good times. I have been where you are today and am a good listener. If you need a sounding board that understands your situation, I am here for you. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.....Ann

Shelly... Your post brought back a flood of emotions that I went through last November and December, just before losing Dennis on December 15th. Dennis had just turned 50 and like you, I felt this was way too young for God to call. I also felt very secure that we would win this battle and his cancer would be gone after chemo. The first test results were awesome! Tumors were shrinking rapidly and most were disappearing. I thought we were on top of the world! Then....as suddenly as the great news had arrived, the bad news came. The chemo was no longer working. New tumors were back. New treatment could be tried...no guarantees. Of course, there were never any guarantees. Frankly, although I was also very "cocky" and depended on the doctors and meds to take care of this for me, I really never believed we could beat this monster! I believed in God. I begged with God to spare my husband. I bargained with God, asking him to take me instead, as Dennis could get along easier without me than I could without him. I finally got to the point that I truly believed God had turned his back on me. I took it very personally that he was not answering my prayers. But you know, he did answer my prayer. In the final two weeks, Dennis suffered very much. He wasn't even the person I had known as my husband for 25 years. I looked at him as I cared for him daily and only wished (and prayed) that he would be free of the pain and suffering...and God did answer that prayer. On the morning Dennis died, I stood at the foot of his bed and uttered this prayer..."God, I beg of you to heal Dennis and make him well again but if you cannot see fit to do this, please don't allow him to linger and suffer any longer." Dennis died within an hour of this prayer. Caretakers often feel guilty, although we do all we can possibly do. We deal with such a roller coaster of emotions....ups, downs, denial. Sorry to ramble on but I wanted you to know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I still pray...because God does hear and does answer prayers. We just don't always understand why things happen as they do. I will remember you in my prayers tonight ,

Kim, I know how you are feeling. My Dennis would have been 51 on June 10th. He, too, loved strawberry shortcake! Maybe they enjoyed cake together! One can only have faith and believe that heaven is all about all the things that make us the happiest.....and my honey sure could eat a lot of shortcake. Way to go on buying the car! Isn't it funny how we still get all those little messages from our guys? Dennis seems to help me out all the time when things go wrong here at the house. It's amazing! I lost Dennis December 15th, 2002, so I know just where you're coming from. I only hope that someday only good memories remain and that all the painful memories associated with this damned cancer go away!