Ann

Kasey... You're a trip and a half!!!!

How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!! _________________________________________ Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters; she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! _________________________________________ 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! _________________________________________ A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! _________________________________________ Now this one is just too Precious...LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! _________________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife Susan's voice urgently warning him, 'Cowboy, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Cowboy, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it !) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates s@x by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have s@x for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how the emptiness feels. Please know we are here for you.

Forgive me if you've seen this before, but I think it's really funny and I still laugh every time I read it.... A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driverturns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' I love this part... 'Only when he's been drinking.'

Follow this link for a coupon to buy one dinner - get one free. Use as many times as you wish until March 1st. They encourage you to pass the link on to a friend!!! I love Friday's! http://www.fridays.com/promos/bogo_2009 ... x?fromhome

Things could be worse.... Today could be Monday instead of Thursday

Ramblings of a Retired Mind I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'. I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!' Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'! Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Everyone add something to this list. THINGS COULD BE WORSE... You could...... -put your bra on backward and it fits better.

Talk on the phone as long as I want and stay up as late as I want

What two things could you not do when you were a child, but you can do now?

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........ The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ... (You're going to hate me for this ... ) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!' Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Happy Birthday dear Lillian...... Happy Birthday to YOU!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83JDXXKzOXg

Nope...I can't take credit for this one. A friend emailed me this and I had to share it with you guys. I could never think fast enough to spin such a tale. But...I do love the fact that someone came up with it. I have been in a situation where I did have dog food and was asked it I had a dog.

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

If you were to write a book about something in your life, what would the title be and what would the subject?

Mexican oysters: A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day be cause there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

1. Only 2 more hours at work today 2. Only 3 more days at work this week 3. Dinner alone this evening - thinking of comfort foods to go 4. Grandchildren 5. Abused golden retriever puppy I found a home for yesterday 6. Need to call Sue 7. Need to email Debi 8. Would rather be outside than inside 9. Got 1099 - have to file taxes 10. Grandchildren 11. Caylee Anthony ( office discussion) 12. Need to laugh more 13. feel like I'm coming down with a bug 14. Maybe need a good cry 15. I think I've lost weight 16. Need to clean my craft room 17. Hope laundry got done today 18. Feel like I need to make life changes 19. Really need to laugh more 20. Looking forward to lunch with LCSC pals 21. Can't wait to get home and hear silence 22. Taxes 23. More taxes 24. Looking at clock too often...want to go home 25. Answer phone

Just for fun...let's each post 25 random thoughts and share where our heads are today.

Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX- Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to st Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

For dessert, would you choose pie, cake or ice cream??? What kind of cake? What kind of pie? What flavor ice cream?

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She is a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied for the job, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him aroung the house than the drunk. He proved to be a very hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day the ranchers widow said to the hired hand," You should go into town and kick up your heels," He agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She turned her head and looked him up and down. Then she quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked , ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks," He removed each gently and placed them by her boots. "Now take off my skirt," He slowly took it off , constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra," Again with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"