Ann

How nice that so many people are thinking of me today. It really makes me feel good to know so many people care. Lillian, thank you so very much for remembering. After six years, you sometime wonder if anyone ever remembers. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that six years ago today was the worst day of my life. That was the day that the true love of my life left me alone. After reflecting on that day and seeing every single minute of that day roll through my mind, like one of the old black and white movies with no sound, I realized that was not the worst day. The worst day was the day I heard these words...."non-operable, non-cureable but with treatment, we can buy a little time." The worst day was when I asked the doctor "how much time" and the answer was "3-6 months if we're lucky." The worst day was when I picked up the phone and told the doctor Dennis couldn't fight any more and our wonderful Dr. Kayalah called Hospice for me. There were so many of those "worst days" and so few really happy days for me after his diagnosis. It didn't take long for me to actually begin to grieve. I began missing him months before he was gone from me. My husband, a man who was always bigger than life to all who knew him, was becoming a frail, sometime helpless, person and our hearts were all breaking as this transformation occured. It was so hard for my children to see tears fall from their dad's face when the pain became unbearable. Although we wanted to keep him with us, we also hated the suffering and pain he was enduring. Here in Florida, we have lots of sunny, rain free days in the month of December. In those last two weeks, there were so many sunny mornings. I remember stepping outside my house, looking up into those blue skies and saying "God, today would be a good day." I just so wanted God to free him from the suffering that he was experiencing. My life was not important. I just wanted my husband to be well again and I knew the only way this would happen was when he left this earth. Dennis and I both loved Christmas. While I always got my shopping done early, he was always the last one booted out of the mall on Christmas Eve, as he loved the hustle and bustle of buying gifts for me and the boys. I had had some painful holidays in my life and Dennis always wanted to make Christmas extra special for me. My grandmother died on December 20th and my Mom died on New Years Day. On Thanksgiving, 2002, Dennis was having a rough night and he told me not to worry, that he would beat this and be here for Christmas. During the weeks before December 15th, Dennis would ask me every day if it was Christmas yet? He was trying so hard to fill his promise to me. Was December 15th the worst day of my life? No...that was the day that God looked down on a beautiful life and decided it was time for the suffering to end. That was the day that God gave me the strength to let Dennis go to a better place. The worst day was the day after the memorial service. Company had gone home and I was alone. That was the day I realized Dennis would never be there with me again. That was the day I picked up the phone and called a grief counselor, as my head was filled with thoughts of suicide. That was the day it rained all day and I thought I would never see the sun again. Finally, after several glasses of wine, I pulled out a notebook and began to write letters to Dennis. These letters would never be mailed but putting my feelings on paper somehow helped to release the pain from my heart. During the days to come, I filled books with letters to Dennis...hoping he could somehow find the words I was writing. Since December 15, 2002, I have had so many beautiful and wonderful encounters with Dennis. I see him in my dreams and I know he's with me when I'm awake. I could almost see a shadow of him in the room when his father died. I know he was there help him on that final journey home. Although I have put the pieces of my life back together, like a little child working with paste and bits of paper, I still miss Dennis Keith King every day of my life. When he died, a part of me died with him. I doubt that I will ever be completely whole again and I have learned to accept that. I have been on such a long journey...a journey called grieving and healing...and I have met so many wonderful people along the way. To all my long time friends here at the message board, I thank you. I thank you for all your love, support and understanding. In Memory of Dennis Keith King June 10, 1952 - December 15, 2002

I'm really happy to hear that both you gals are so happy today. Can I join in on your "Happy Club" because I'm just happy that today is Friday. I'm going to spend this weekend wrapping, crafting , cleaning and drinking hot chocolate. YES!!! We have a nice cool spell here and I can have my HOT chocolate!!!

I always hold my breath for a few seconds. Doesn't always work on the first try but eventually it seems to make them go away.

Why, Why, Why... Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money? Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

I got this story emailed to me this morning and just had to share it with you guys!!! The Christmas Dolly As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.

What's your favorite cure for hiccups??? Drinking a glass of water Drinking a glass of water upside down. Hmmmmm, that sounds tricky! lol! lol! Scaring/startling/distracting the hiccupper Holding your breath Getting drunk! heehee! Other?

Oh Curtis, I'm so glad I read the board this morning and saw your post! Of course we remember Becky, Katie....and Curtis!!! Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful article and updating us on Katie. I hope you are doing well. Please visit us more often and let us know how that remarkable daughter of yours is doing.

Oh Randy...your post made me cry some happy tears this morning. I am so glad to hear that Carleen is happy and doing so well. We all could feel the love Keith and Carleen shared through her well written words. If you ever meet up with her online again, please give her my best wishes for a happy life.

What things to you still have to do to be ready for the holidays?

Hi Bobby. So good to hear from you again. After 6 years, I have to agree that each passing holiday seems to be harder for me. My life is full and one would think that time would have put some distance between the pain I felt 6 years ago. But....for some strange reason, the pain feels worse. I think each passing year puts more time between my memories of him and just makes me feel further away. Please keep in touch with us.

Beth....So very sorry I didn't read your message yesterday. Although I know how hard yesterday was for you, I hope you were able to reflect on happier times. Monday will be the 6th anniversary of Dennis' death. I'm already taking deep breaths!!!

Thinking of you today!!!

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I just had to share this with all of you. I have been so down and this is the first thing that's made me smile in days.... I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment

Dennis' Dad passed away at 4:45 EST.

My family really needs your prayers right now, as we are having a really hard time. As most of you know, I lost my sweet husband, Dennis, on December 15th, 2002. Dennis was only 49 years old and his illness and death really took its toll on our little family. My FIL was extremely bitter after he lost his son and apparently needed someone to place blame with. I guess that person was me, unfortunately. Immediately after Dennis' memorial service, it was like I never existed....after being in a family for 27 years. My FIL questioned every single decision that was made in Dennis' care and treatment. The rest of the family always let me know what a good job I was doing in caring for Dennis. In my heart, I know that he had excellent care and I believe Dennis and I together with his doctor, as a team, always made the very best healthcare related decisions. In these almost 6 years since I lost Dennis, there has been very little contact between his parents and me. I would ask my boys about them and I knew Keith had been very ill since his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I would see them at family gatherings but feelings were cold, almost as if we were strangers. Now, Dennis' dad is in a hospice facility and the end is very near. Yesterday, my son called me at work and asked me to come to see his grandfather. I went, out of respect and love for my MIL. She was very receptive to my visit and very glad to see me. My son told me that yesterday morning, while still responsive, his GF told the priest that he is very concerned about being forgiven by people he has hurt....namely me. Of course, I can and do forgive him. But, he is now unresponsive and I don't know how to let him know this. I do know that he can probably still hear us speaking but just walking up and saying "I forgive you" seems so strange. At this point, I am not the person he needs forgiveness from. What should I do??? Also....I am so worried about my boys. They went through this 6 years ago and were just getting back to thinking about happy things during the holidays. My LD son said to me this morning, "Mom, I know you will probably die at Christmas time, because everyone I love dies at Christmas. So.....we really need your prayers!!!

Music...love those Christmas songs!!!

What one thing really gives you that special feeling that makes you know it's Christmas?

I'm going to have a tough time answering my own question...lol!!! There are a few things on television that I watch loyally. But...there is nothing like curling up with a good book and really getting lost!! But...if I had to choose one, I would have to pick a book!!!

Just FYI, Days of Our Lives has added a new storyline that might be of interest. If nothing else, it gets out the message that you DO NOT have to be a smoker to have lung cancer. There's also been lots of great info about stats, survival rates., etc. In the storyline, Kate Roberts, a powerful main character that has been on the show forever, has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She's a non-smoker. Her first round of chemo shrank the main tumor but shortly afterwards, the cancer metastized and is in the bone marrow and other organs. I think it's great that this show is using this storyline to get information to a part of the public that might not get information through another source.

(((((((Lil)))))))) Just wanted you to know that my heart is with you today. It's so hard to believe how days like today bring all of the pain back so very strong.....like an open wound. For a time, we can suppress the pain and fool ourselves into believing it is all right and we have the pain under control. Then, when a special date rolls around, we get hit head on like being run down by an oncoming freight train. There's really nothing I can say that will make the pain less for you today but I do want you to know that my heart will be reaching out to yours! I know, in two weeks, you will be here for me!!! I have been reading a lot lately and have a couple of things I've bookmarked and wanted to share with you...... Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that you don’t “recover.” Instead, you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others. Eventually, it has been said, your grief walks beside you instead of consuming you. “In general, bereaved survivors shouldn’t think of ‘getting over’ a loss, but develop ways to get used to it,” says Prigerson. “Even years after someone dies, pangs of grief may come out of the blue, and feelings of heartache and missing the deceased are rekindled. That’s normal.” “You go on,” he reflected. “You bring the person you love inside you. That is how you cope. You make him or her live within you.”

Lil....so sorry you have been feeling poorly. Glad you're up and at 'em !!! So very sorry to hear about your cousin. I think you're doing the right thing by urging her to join us. I will be saying prayers for her.

I'm right there with you on this one, Fred!!!

Would you rather watch TV or read a good book?

Sorry I missed this on Friday, Muriel. I hope you had a wonderful day!!!!