Ann

OLD" IS WHEN ... A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we Had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern Where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do It for old time's sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, Having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these Two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them So there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support Aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and Make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man Drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they Erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes On for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and Screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life And old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple Struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly Amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple Passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You Must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to This?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't An electric fence."

My best friend was also my second cousin, Linda. She and I always managed to get into some type of mischief. Looking back, I have to believe she was usually the instigator, but I was always a willing participant in whatever prank she had in mind. We actually were grounded on several occasions but all of the things were minor occurences, as we both has strict parents.

Thanks for this post, Larry It brought a smile on my face very early in the day!!!

As a child did you and your best friend ever get into any serious mischief that your parents found out about and grounded you?

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING? "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand ... And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".? (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our noseand ears never stop growing. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.) A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors . Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There are more chickens than people in the world. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

I want to rent a cabin in the Smoky Mountains and take all my children and grandchildren there for a week at Christmas. I grew up near the "Smokies" and would love to experience a Smoky Mountain Christmas again.

I was a stay-at-home mom to three little boys, ages 7,6 and 1. Dennis and I were definitely struggling financially, due to the fact that we both felt it very important that I stayed home until all three boys were in school. But, even though we were poor, by most standards, we were so rich because of our great little family and all of the love we had. Both my parents were still living and life was really good.

We haven't had one in eons. For those of you who have never participated in one, it's very simple. Just add anything you'd like to the story and pass it on to the next poster. Don't be shy, it'll be fun. Just as the sun was going down, Billy got up from the dinner table and brushed the crumbs from his lap onto the floor. His faithful canine companion, Bootsy, gladly lapped up each and every crumb. Billy was so excited as tonight he was going out on the town to celebrate his divorce from Mary Lou. His first stop would be...

What were you doing half your life ago? If your age doesn't happen to be an even number, you'll have to fudge a little.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following. In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register. In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms". In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your words of love for your mother have been a real inspiration for me.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers!

Jackie...thanks so much for your reply to Larry's question. When I met Dick, I went through a lot of feelings, such as the ones Larry is feeling right now. I also felt as if I was being unfaithful to Dennis by spending time with someone else. My best friend sat me down one day and gave me a good "talking to" as we would say hee in the south...lol! Dennis was like a brother to her and she knew him almost as well as I did. She knew that Dennis would not have wanted me to be alone. He was always worrying about me and he would have been happy to know that there was someone to care for me and the boys. "Moving on" definitely doesn't mean that you love your departed spouse any less or that anyone will ever be able to take their place. It simply means that your heart is big enough to share with more than one person in your lifetime. Although I still miss Dennis desperately, I am content now and my life is happy once again. I believe that God gives us life and we should do whatever we can to make life be happy. So, Larry....I think you should definitely follow your heart on this one. Do you really think your dear wife would want you to spend the rest of your life alone and sad?

Fill in the blank. One thing in life that I still want to do is ________

Do you volunteer for any organizations? Is there somewhere that you would like to volunteer ...now or in the future? ****

Such a tragedy. Saying prayers for all involved. I know how hard this must be for those of you that call Minnesota home.

Truly adorable...awwwwwwwwww

The Husband Store: A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates : 1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. 2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads : Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak . She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited

I buy...I lose...I buy...I lose

Oh my gosh!!! Tanner Dog and Teddy are finally going to meet!!! How exciting. I think all furry guys can play a nice game of fetch while we all have drinks. I think this is such a great thing for you and Fred to do. I'm sure Cindi would appreciate the nice gesture. Count me in!!!

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Come on guys...there have to be a few of you that are Martha in disguise...LOL!!!

Umatilla, Florida

Lottery Tickets....Do you buy them regularly and if so, have you ever won???