Ann

Wow this makes me realize I’m as old as I feel lol…. It’s a good laugh to though… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is tooooo true to be very funny! A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float! Age before Beauty is what we once said, But now let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now A is for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for lungs, that wheeze and hack M is for memory, I pray it comes back! N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I'm keeping six doctors fully employed!!!

Isn't all this going to be fun??? On some days, I feel as if the fun is about to begin.... FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." LITTLE LADY A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

In alphabetical order, name a town you have been to or driven through. I'll start with: Abilene

*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. *Maxine's Way* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! *Martha's Way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. *Maxine's Way* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year. *Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. *Maxine's Way* Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. *Martha's Way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." *Maxine's Way* If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" *Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. *Maxine's Way* Celery? Never heard of it! *Martha's Way* Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. *Maxine's Way* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't. *Martha's Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. *Maxine's Way* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! *Martha's Way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. *Maxine's Way* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. *Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. *Maxine's Way* Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!! I LOVE Maxine's Way! Ann

A mature couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously. YES!!" stated the waitress. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! They've been around the block more than once.

Need A Push ============== A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!" His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

I have to admit that I almost pick up the phone now and then and order but always manage to talk myself out of it. But....I have been really intrigued about the "potato peeling glove"......LOL!!!

Are you a ‘sucker’ for the TV infomercials??? If ya are, what have you bought lately???

Thanks so much for posting this, Maryanne. I saw this is our paper yesterday and was going to post it but forgot. I do believe this is a pretty common occurence with cats. In Dennis' last hours, we couldn't get Jake, our big gray & white tuxedo cat to leave his bed. The hospice nurse was barely able to care for Dennis, as Jake just couldn't be close enough to him. When Dennis passed, Jake sat just outside our bedroom door and absolutely wailed for hours. I have never heard such a heartbreaking sound in my entire life. I do believe cats have a special gift for knowing things about the afterlife. There are so many times that I swear my cats, especially Jake, see things that I can't see. They will often sit on the side of my bed and raise their paws, playing with something that I can't see.

Love the way you think!!!

Have you ever had a birthday wish come true?

Do you tip when you order take out food?

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world" Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude, gross & disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

Good Eats A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

Sorry this news caught you off guard, Lori. I know you were expecting to have more healing time before dealing with this phase of grief. I think Ry has a wonderful idea about the sundial. I think I may look into this for Dennis' ashes, which I still have with me. What a wonderful feeling it must be to know that your mom continues to help others, long after she is gone.

So very sorry.

Where did you go on your favorite vacation of all time!

I have to stop by Petsmart and take Tanner Dog a new Nylabone home...as promised!!! These dogs really pull at your heartstrings!!!

What's the one most important thing you have to get done today?

WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE GROWN UP: YOU KEEP MORE FOOD THAN BEER IN THE FRIDGE.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

I love dogs and in general, am not afraid of any particular breed. However, I do get uneasy when I can't read a dog's "body language" by looking into their eyes. I have found that "biters" seem to have a blank look in their eyes that you just can't read. Pits do worry me, because of the bad reputation they have been given. Any dog can be a mean dog if the owners raise them to be bad. At my previous job, my boss owned a pit that was with me constantly. He was an absolutely wonderful dog where I was concerned. He was very protective of me and I have no doubt he would have hamed someone to protect me.

Subject: Math, how it has changed from 1950 to 2007 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 Teaching Math in 1990: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers) Teaching Math in 2007: Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

How many shows can we come up with that we USED to watch that are no longer on TV? Add one and keep going. This should be fun and jog our memories. No repeats on the shows please. I'll start American Bandstand