It truly means a LOT to me that you both understand what I am saying and feeling without thinking I am off my rocker or delusional. (Many panic if you speak so bluntly about how you really ARE feeling.)
MY son is 25 and many times the ONLY reason I am still fighting. However..now that my Dad has passed, I am trying to decide if his life is better from here on out with me or without me at this juncture...
~in other words..am I holding him back due to my physical and emotional laibilites ( I tend to suddenly have become rather agoraphoic this past year as well) or is my continued prescense the best thing for him?
Before my dad went, I always thought for me to stay would be best. Now I am not so sure.
He is young..young enough to have *adventures* and rough it...sleeping on stranger's couches if need be.
I remember being 25 and having my own exciting adventures.
I am too old, too tired and too disabled now to be that flexible and I am really going to hinder him. He wants to move to California. We currently live in PA and I do have a young granddaughter here. (Another long story..not wanting to bring that in to further complicate it.)
HE has lost a LOT too. He said the other day there were 4 people he loved at the beginning of this year.."Me, my Dad, his niece and our cat" and now 2 of them are gone. I ached for him. He is such a loving and kind person. A rare commodity in a world of self-centered youth these days I see around me.
He made the decision when he was 18 to stay with my Dad and me because he wanted to spend the rest of POP's days with him and he did not know how long that would be. MY daughter took off and never looked back.
Most in this world would call my daughter a sucess. I see it different. She has no heart. HE is ALL heart. To me.heart is what matters.
In the last few years..as I also got sicker..he became almost the caregiver of both my Dad and I. When does he get to be released?
Sigh. So many things to ponder and decide.
I care more for my son than myself. I truly do. He is young and has a whole life to go out and live. I KNOW he would NOT leave me ..so I have to ask if I should leave him...
It is very complex. AN inner debate playing over and over in my head lately..
Thank you BOTH for the offer to talk personally. I need to do that but not tonight. I need to unwind and try to shut my head off for awhile. I hope you understand.
I am not one to suddenly just impulsively end my life. As you can see.If I do decide that..it would be a well thought out , deliberate decision.
I really AM debating this now though. I never thought someone like myself who loved life so much would ever end up feeling so beat down and broke down.but I do deal in reality and this reality the past few years has been rather turturous and I KNOW it is not going to get better in the near future. In fact..most likely..much much worse.
Much appreciation for letting my speak and listening and caring...
gentyl26