Reading your heartrending post, Shelly, brought to mind lines that may seem absurd to you :
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want.
Yet the psalm goes on
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.
It doesn't say "I will feel good". As a matter of fact, most of the psalmists don't feel very good - they spend a great deal of their time complaining that they are not getting a better deal.
Like you, I have felt rotten, becomme nasty and very short with others -including my husband. And all the rest : you name it.
But somehow, when one has become nothing more than a shell, when our faith, generosity, kindness have gone by the boards, the Spirit has lots of elbow space to remodel us. Doesn't matter whether or not we are aware of that and we usually aren't. It doesn't mean we'll feel good, but that maybe we can still trust somewhere deep inside, whatever the pain and injustice.
Right now, just get through this however you can. My prayers are with you.
Anne