Hi everyone, I have only just found this site today, I have been having a hard time talking to anyone about how I feel. My father had cancer for six years, each time getting better. My parents have been divorced for many years, and he has a new girlfriend, and of course there is my grandmother. The already strained family dynamic got even more twisted when Dad was admitted to critical care with pnuemonia. I think that I was completely shocked by how quick it all was, I went to visit Dad once in a normal room, when i went back the next day he was in an oxygen chamber unable to talk. He just held my arm so tightly and stared at me for an hour. He kept mouthing to me that he knew it was the end, that he loved me. I caouldn't handle it, so i left. When I came back the next day he was in a coma and on a respirator. I moved house that day, and I have never felt more alone. I visited the hospital alone in between unpacking boxes. Dad got steadily worse, and my aunt was called down from the country to help, and my grandmother became a witch...she didn't want dad's girlfriend to come even when he was not going to last the night because she would 'take over'. She wanted me to take dad's jewellry just in case.
We did decide to have the machines turned off, as dad was just deteriorating. Everyone else went out for a coffee while it happened except me, i held his hand while he died. I became responsible for picking out clothes for the funeral, songs, identifying his body, choosing cemetry. I also gave the only speech.
Meanwhile, my grandma refused to come to the funeral without a hymn, even though dad was an athiest and she never goes to church. Iit was apaprently because some of her friends form various community boards were coming and they expected it.So she got her way again.
Why is it that death brings out the worst in people? I always thought that it would create a feeling a thankfullness for what we had and a sense of closeness towards my family. That hasn't happened.
I am finding it so hard to cope orgainising everything, cleaning out his house so his girlfriend can feel more comfortable, and being appointed director of one of his companies.
I have so much to do, why do i feel so lost. I am 27, surely i am old enough to take on these adult responsibilities?