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Poptartlr

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Everything posted by Poptartlr

  1. Thank you for your thoughts...I guess I have just found it hard since evryone seems to be looking to me as the 'strong' one, telling me I am doing so well. I find it hard to admit that deep down I am not doing so well as appearance may suggest. Also, my father and I had always had trouble communicating, and now everyone says to me that I knew him best. And that seems a sad statement when I didn't feel I knew him at all. I guess I have never really liked my grandmother anyway, she once sat me down and told me that my mother is a witch who was too low class for my father etc. I should have expected that no one was ever going to be good enough for her son. She doesn't like Dad's current girlfriend, and I felt terrible when she asked me why my grandma was being so nasty to her. You always like to think that your relatives are good people, but I guess you can't choose them. She is going to have a heart attack when she realises that Dad left the house to his girlfriend. Notlooking forward to Christmas...no Dad to visit, my mother is going away to visit her relatives. It will just be me and my grandmother!
  2. Hi everyone, I have only just found this site today, I have been having a hard time talking to anyone about how I feel. My father had cancer for six years, each time getting better. My parents have been divorced for many years, and he has a new girlfriend, and of course there is my grandmother. The already strained family dynamic got even more twisted when Dad was admitted to critical care with pnuemonia. I think that I was completely shocked by how quick it all was, I went to visit Dad once in a normal room, when i went back the next day he was in an oxygen chamber unable to talk. He just held my arm so tightly and stared at me for an hour. He kept mouthing to me that he knew it was the end, that he loved me. I caouldn't handle it, so i left. When I came back the next day he was in a coma and on a respirator. I moved house that day, and I have never felt more alone. I visited the hospital alone in between unpacking boxes. Dad got steadily worse, and my aunt was called down from the country to help, and my grandmother became a witch...she didn't want dad's girlfriend to come even when he was not going to last the night because she would 'take over'. She wanted me to take dad's jewellry just in case. We did decide to have the machines turned off, as dad was just deteriorating. Everyone else went out for a coffee while it happened except me, i held his hand while he died. I became responsible for picking out clothes for the funeral, songs, identifying his body, choosing cemetry. I also gave the only speech. Meanwhile, my grandma refused to come to the funeral without a hymn, even though dad was an athiest and she never goes to church. Iit was apaprently because some of her friends form various community boards were coming and they expected it.So she got her way again. Why is it that death brings out the worst in people? I always thought that it would create a feeling a thankfullness for what we had and a sense of closeness towards my family. That hasn't happened. I am finding it so hard to cope orgainising everything, cleaning out his house so his girlfriend can feel more comfortable, and being appointed director of one of his companies. I have so much to do, why do i feel so lost. I am 27, surely i am old enough to take on these adult responsibilities?
  3. I can totally understand what you are going through. I lost my father three weeks ago, a warm man with an obsession for kit kats. He used to have them all over the house, and when I went to his office to pick up paperwork, there was a seven day pack of them in his drawer. I went home and ate all of them crying as i did.I organised the funeral, so I brought in a big bowl of kit kats for the mourners to eat and remember dad.I still have his whole house to sort through, and I have no doubt that there will be many more chocolates to find..
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