on june 18 my mom lost her year and a 1/2 battle with lung cancer. she gave up her lung only to have it attack her bones and eventually her brain. brain cancer the doctors said, is the most peaceful. not if you already have it in your bones.
we kept her home for my dad wanted her in her bed, and we with the help of hospice, took turns helping my mom die with the dignity and loved she deserved. 2 days after she went to bed for good, was my parents 24 anniversary. it would be one of the last days she would communicate with my dad and i, which was beautiful, because she told us how much she loved us, and us her.
for 16 days my mom held on, and we were praying it would be done soon, done NOW. and then it was done. we were so busy with the arrangements and keeping everyone else ok that we didn't have time to think that we weren't ok.
about a month after it was over, my dad realized he wasn't ok. it took me until the end of september to have my "meltdown". i have a child that was taking my mind from things, but by the time fall started, i started to lose it. my mom and i were garden buddies, and it was hard to keep the garden without her there to answer questions-- but i did it. but when the seasons changed and my garden faded, so did my last connection to my mom. i felt lost and for the first time i truly felt pain from grief. i cried for days. and then i felt ok for a little bit. does it always go in these waves? i can't wait to get through the holidays, the "firsts" of all of this. we already had our first b-days (hers too) but christmas-- i don't know.
sometimes it just doesn't seem like the tears are never going to stop, like the moments will always come up from behind to knock the wind out of me. after reading so many of these i see i am not alone and i thank you for being here for me to find some release.
