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Treebywater

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Everything posted by Treebywater

  1. Welcome Kelli! I'm so sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad that you did. It sounds like your Dad is lucky to have you by his side.
  2. Just a perspective from my side of things: My Mom's disease progression was fast. A lot faster than some. I remember trying so hard to find ways to encourage her to be positive. And my Mom was a woman with an iron will. She was a STRONG lady. She was a fighter. And she had a great sense of humor. So when she died and I would hear people say, "A good attitude will really help you fight cancer," I would wonder how we--My Mom and Dad and I as a team--had failed in our attitude. I KNEW how steely strong my folks were and I knew I had stubbornly held onto hope the whole time but I felt like we as a team must have failed in our attitude some way, for this to have happened. I listened to my Mom as she was slipping away talking about how SHE FELT she must have failed because "everyone said a good attitude was half the battle, so what did I do wrong?" It wasn't until I posted some of my feelings about that here--about the 'warrior' language that I heard over and over again about others in the fight--language that I supported and used (and still use) myself, but that made me wonder--was my Mom LESS a warrior? What did we do wrong--It wasn't until I made that post and had Becky (Snowflake) say to me, "Val--your Mom's cancer hit her like a truck. No positive attitude could have stopped it," that I realized it wasn't *our* fault that she was gone. And that's the message that comes through sometimes and what I think Eileen is trying to point out. Though I know without a doubt it's NOT what *YOU* are saying. There's an underlying message though in the positive attitude stuff that if the treatments start to fail, if the cancer comes back after a remission, if the progression goes faster for your case then someone else's than it must be because you're not being 'positive' enough. It's another way that people feel that they are blamed for their own disease. During Mom's illness and after I read a lot of blogs of young people who had cancer, and this idea came up again and again there too. People felt guilty if they had a bad day. If they expressed that they felt like crap or they felt like giving up or they felt hopeless ONE DAY then they felt like any bad thing that happened with their disease was because they weren't always positive. So I think you are right. Absolutely right. I think that having a positive attitude and focusing on the good and believing that you are going to win the fight and holding onto hope no matter what is ALWAYS A GOOD THING. But I also think that sometimes people react to the message of 'always have a good attitude' differently than others at times because for some it feels like one more way to be blamed. And that feeling sucks. Being positive and hopeful is ALWAYS a good thing. And it will ALWAYS increase a person's quality of life. But a person shouldnl't feel that negative feelings about what is happening to them are off-limits for fear that they're giving into the disease if they have them. I hope that makes some sense. And I hope it's clear that I support having a positive attitude. I just know from my experience and from hearing of others that the positive attitude mantras sometimes have the unintended result of shame with some who hear them.
  3. You have to take care of yourself in all of this too... I can just hear the exhaustion through the screen. I know he is scared. I know it's 'his disease' but YOU are going to end up with health issues if you don't get the rest you need, and then he WILL be up a creek. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for rest for both of you. It's ok to have a talk and let him know what you need to.
  4. Treebywater

    tomorrow

    Lilly--I know you don't know me very well, but I've followed your postings and I have always admired you very much. I WILL be praying that all goes well.
  5. July 19th was 4 years since I lost Mom. This is going to sound like I need a good dose of counseling, and maybe I do on this issue, but... I'm really doing ok. Really ok. Things are actually going very well for us right now. But when I am more actively thinking over those last few days with my Mom, instead of feeling greater peace about them, which I expected to feel, I find myself almost rewriting them and casting myself as the villian. I re-read my posts here the week of her anniversary and I wanted to fall through the floor at how selfish they seemed. That time was... SO HARD. I had a new baby, my husband was on a ship, my Mom was dying... And for a long time I thought I handled it really well. But now I have all of these what-ifs. I wonder if I listened well enough. I wonder if I comforted her enough . I wonder if I left her alone too often. I wonder if I overmedicated her the last week. I wonder if she knew how much I loved her. I wonder I hindered her ability to make peace with dying by insisting that we not dwell on the possibility. Do any of you re-write it? Or... reflect on it differently, but not in a good way? Just wondered. Could be it's only me that's crazy. and really. I know that it SOUNDS like I'm messed up, but I'm doing GOOD. It's just the dark moments when these things creep in.
  6. I love nice people. Enjoy being with your Mama. And know you have lots of people praying for you.
  7. I can hear how tired and overwhelmed you are. I'm praying for you and Glenn.
  8. I think you did just what you needed to. They do need that space to cry when they need to, and also the space to go on being kids. It sounds like you are doing the perfect things to mother them through this. ((((hugs)))) to you.
  9. Debra-- I know that it sounds like you are in a very rural community, but you might check and see if there are any 'bridge' services available, by that I mean, there are some agencies that will come and help with care for folks who are taking Tarceva or pursuing treatment. It might be worth doing some sleuthing through the phone book or the internet to find out if there is something like that in your area. I am in a fairly small community right now, but I know that in this area people who are still pursuing treatment, but perhaps not as agressively still qualify for in-home services. Often the docs just talk about the hospices/facilities affiliated with their hospital. Past that, I will say that you CAN do this. I can hear the compassion and love for your father in your post and that will bring you the strength that you need to be his advocate and support no matter what comes his way. Many folks have found success with Tarceva. I hope that your Dad will be one of those people!!! Keep coming here and asking questions! Val
  10. I just hate reading this. I'm so sorry for her family, friends, and everyone who loved her. Icould tell from her posts that she was a very special person.
  11. ((((Caren)))) D-day (as I call it), stinks. And I remember having the same thoughts as you do today on my first one. It just hurts. I'm sorry.
  12. Alimta was ROUGH on my Mom. And the Carboplatin/Gemzar combo was nothing compared to how she reacted to the Alimta. Alimta can be the magic bullet for some. From watching Mom and hearing other stories here I also know it can really erode a person's strength, so be sure you talk often with her onc. about how everything is going. Praying for you and your Mama.
  13. (((((Carleen))))) The dark places are hard.
  14. http://health.msn.com/health-topics/art ... =100242833 Check the link above for the story, please. So apparently, "Prolonged Grief Disorder" is now going to be a psychological affliction. Something visceral in me reacts to this, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's something to be said for the chance for people to be 'treated' after a loss. Still... It seems to put a timetable on the appropriateness of grieving and that just hits me in the wrong way altogether. Any opinions about this here?
  15. ((((Jana)))) You know I remember you. I do know what you mean. I hadn't thought about in terms of her not getting to know who I am--this totally different Val that I am because I am a Mom, because of losing her, because of a whole host of other things that made me grow up and come into who I am now. But you are so right. I'm sorry it's been so hard lately. We walked so much of the early days together-- Know that I'm still here with you in the 'life four years later' journey.
  16. Paula, I am so very, very sorry.
  17. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Daddy. Screw all the 'he's in a better place,' and 'aren't you glad he didn't suffer long?' comments. Those are statements made by people trying to distance themselves from your grief. They get credit for trying to say something even if it's the wrong thing, but it's STILL the WRONG thing. It's not where you are right now. Right now you are just raw and stripped of your Daddy. Right now you have been freshly robbed. And being robbed always feels like a violation. The numbness will wear off. I'm so sorry for the pain and the anxiety that you are experiencing now. You know already that grief is a hard journey. It will carry you on waves, and sometimes you'll be swept under in a Tsunami of it, but eventually, though it still hurts, and it's not easy, the waves will get smaller and you'll learn how to ride them. Just as you have before. But this is new. This is fresh and different. And it's hard. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, on top of the other struggles life has handed you. Again I'm so sorry that your Daddy is gone. Give yourself permission to be where you are right now. There is no 'right' way to grieve.
  18. There was, when Mom was sick, an excellent website about the health-care debate that really looked at all the variables involved. Wish I knew if it was still up and running. Rationing care, when I think of how many people, including Mom, would have been denied care based on prognosis, makes me sick to my stomach. There has to be a better way to address the problem of so many Americans lacking insurance than this... And as one who is a recipient of 'free' health care with the military, I can tell you that while the price is great, MANY times the quality is lacking, and the waiting is long, and the process is frustrating.
  19. I know all of that only compounds your grief. I'm so sorry.
  20. I'm just sending you love, friend. A whole new cancer? So. Not. Fair. Here's something good about NSCLC though (y'all correct me if I'm wrong). With NSCLC, surgery can nip it in the bud if it's caught early enough. So I'm praying for good news from the PET scan and then successful removal. Your Daddy is a survivor. He can do this. You can do this.
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