KarHart

I haven't been on this board in a long time. Finally got up the courage to check in today. Your post and the others really hit me. Now I know that it is not strange for me to feel "still married" even after 16 months. I still wear my rings and still have all of Ken's stuff. I know someday I will have to let go, but I'm just not ready yet. It's amazing how a small thing can trigger such a big feeling. Yesterday morning I went out to my car. It was covered with dew. I took my hand to wipe off the passenger window and was hit by the memory of how Ken would go out in the mornings and take the hose to wash the dew off the windows for me so I would be able to see. I was just stunned how hard it hit me, this long after, that he's not there to look out for me anymore.

This really is hopeful news for those suffering from this type of cancer. My father died from a glioblastoma brain cancer and I work with someone whose younger brother and then years later his mother died from it. Time from dx to death is really bleak, my father only survived for 8 months and this was with major surgery and a clinical trial. I am happy to finally see some progress with this cancer. Karen H

Last Nov. was Ken's & mine 29th too. I guess it is something we will always keep track off. I was born on my parents first wedding anniversary. I always wish my mom "happy anniversay" even though my dad died 12 years ago. It's sweet that your boys look out for you. Laura sent me flowers. It is still a special day, so Happy Anniversary! Karen H

Thank you everyone for your kind replies to Laura. I am so sorry that I just can't even seem to post anymore. I do read and just can't find words to offer comfort or condolences. There have just been so many losses this last year, and after being on the boards for such a long time it was like losing more family members, people who came to mean so much to me. I am so truly sad for every one of us. I know time helps, but I guess a year just isn't enough yet. Keeping everyone in my prayers. Karen H

Lots of hugs Ann, but what a blessing to find those notes. It must have touched your heart in a special way to know that he was thinking of you in the future when he wouldn't be there. Karen H

Dear Sue, you lost Mike 2 weeks before I lost Ken. I find it hard to believe a year has gone by. It is hard to move on, maybe next year will be easier for both of us. I admire you for still being able to reach out and offer hope and support to others on this board. I remember you always being so loving and supportive of Mike and yet you were here for all of us to. Thank you. Karen H

Ken's tumor was found on a routine x-ray. The scary thing is that he had an x-ray taken 6 weeks prior at another facility and you could not see the tumor on that one. He had a very small tumor on dx, an even smaller one in the liver, so he was stage IV. I have started yearly CT scanning myself. The technicians are always confused, I guess not many people are doing this yet. The cost is worth the peace of mind. After all, I smoked almost as long as Ken did and there is a lot of cancer on my fathers side of the family. I know first hand how important it is to find LC at the earliest possible time. Karen H

Ann, you are so lucky! She is beautiful and best of all she's nearby. Becoming a grandma is really great, it's done wonders for me. Karen

I don't know if this would help, but after one of Ken's chemos (not sure which, Alitma?) he would get a Neupegen shot, once a day for 3 days. It's a weaker Nuelasta shot. I don't remeber them bothering him, but the Nuelasta was painful. If Joel still needs them may be the Neupegen would work. Karen

I am happy you have a wonderful event to look forward to. I know how bittersweet it must be. I am starting to approach all those first anniverseries without Ken. Thanksgiving was always his favorite holiday. Our 29th anniversary is 3 days later, and then of course Christmas. My children and our first grandchild are my only real joy in life, it is so hard to accept that Ken is not here to see all the good things that are happening. Sounds like your son is going to be a very lucky man. Hope you have a wonderful day Sat. looks like the weather is going to be good.

I am so sorry, just read about Lucie. Many prayers being sent. Karen H

Melinda, I don't want to scare you, but this sounds like what would happen when my father had a "petit mal" seizure. He would just be staring and you could tell he was not there. Usually lasted only a few seconds. Not dangerous in itself, but her doctor should know about it, a brain MRI may be called for. Hope you get some answers soon. Karen H

Peggy, I remember those posts. What a heart wrenching time for you. Hopefully, there will come a year when August will be just another month and not such a focus of pain and sadness. Karen H

Sue, I so know where you are. I haven't done anything with Ken's things either, and just don't have a clue to when I will. I just feel that someday I will know its time. For now I just don't worry about it. I don't know if anyone has told you that when you turn 60 you can draw widows benefit from Social Security. I was very surprised to find out I would get more from that than my own even, if I waited till my full retirement age. I know that doesn't help now, but it is good to know it will be there. It hits me the hardest when during the day I hear something and I think "wait till I tell Ken that" only I can't. It really stinks being a widow. Karen

I haven't posted much but do check in almost every day. Tonight I am going to go to a grief support meeting sponsered by the hospice that took care of Ken. I think it will be good to be with people where you don't have to say "I'm doing o.k.". It's been over 4 months now and I still feel like I am waiting for him to come home. I stay busy with my job and my family keeps me going, especially my little grandbaby, Ryan. I am just marking time till the day when it won't hurt so much, I know that has to be out there. In the meantime I pray for all who are still battling, cry at bad news, cheer at the good news. Karen H

I really wish Ken had had CK on his liver tumors. He had 2 surgically removed, and then 3 months later had multiple tumors. There were 2 primary ones that eventually merged to one giant one. I know it would not have been a cure, but if we had stopped those 2 I know we would have had more time since the rest were all still pretty small. You can have a lot of your liver compromised and still function fine. Despite all his tumors his liver function tests were o.k. until about the last 6 weeks. I think it is really a good idea for your dad. I hope it turns out well, please keep us updated. Karen

Very happy to read your good news. I am sure it gives hope to others. Karen H

Just wonderful, so good to hear! Karen H

I agree with Joan that you should check out cyberknife. They say they can do targeted radiation to areas that have already received the maximum amount of radiation. I don't know if they do mets on the pelvis, but they have been doing them on the spine for a long time. I hope you find some answers. Karen H

This must be the day for surgery. Prayers for Nancy and also Eileen in Tampa, who is also having surgery today. I hope they both have successful outcomes. Karen H

Dear Carleen, I am so sorry you lost your Keith. I wish you peace on the new journey your life will take now. Please remember we are all here for you. It is hard to go on, but we have to for the ones we love and eventually for ourselves. Karen

My husband had all his treatment at Moffitt. He also had Dr. Sommers for his lung surgery. His PA Joe (can't remember last name now) was very helpful and responsive to any ? Don't have time to write anymore now, but if you PM me I will give you my phone number. Everyone at Moffitt was great to us the year we went there. Karen

This is so hard to hear. Stephi was so supportive of me and Ken. Her husband is also a Vietnam Vet. She told me she had almost died from a heart attack some months ago and I was worried about her since she had so much to deal with with both her husband and mother. Life can be so incredibly unfair. My deepest condolences to all of her family.

Dear Carleen, I am so sorry. What is happening now with Keith is what happened to Ken the last 2 weeks. There was a lot of mental confusion caused I think between the pain meds and the liver failing to clean out toxins that go to the brain. He also became very weak and did not understand that he could not just get up and walk by himself. I am so glad that you have talked to each other and said everything that needed saying. Unfortunately, you may not have many lucid times left with him. I wish Ken and I had talked more, but I think both of us were too afraid, then it was just too late. I know what a difficult time you are now facing. Please call on everyone around to help, you will need it. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier, I pray for you and Keith constantly. I am still praying for a miracle for you both, the child that you have fought so hard for. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Karen H

Carleen, I am so sorry for all the pain you and Keith are in. Hearing that there is nothing left to fight with is devastating. It is a terrible blow after the incredible fight you and Keith have put up. I wish I could offer you hope, but all I can do is pray for you as you continue on this journey. Karen