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  1. Hello, I lost my mother a few months ago. Like you, I don't know how to feel. The fact that it was all preventable left me feeling angry too. My mother on the other hand felt so guilty and apologized repeatedly during our last conversations. I told her with conviction that it was okay, that she had nothing to be sorry for. I'm not sure where it came from, but I wasn't attempting to lie, it felt sincere when I said it. I'm so torn up between anger and sadness. I don't know what type of lung cancer your step mom has. My mom had nsclc squammous carcinoma (one very large tumor on the bronchial tube area. What you described sounded a bit like small cell. Once you know what type, see if there are any clinical trials or new treatments available (her Dr. might not be doing them but someone might). My mother was a few months too late to benefit from a new immunotherapy that was recently approved for her type (and will be a game changer for others!). I wish you the best and I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone!!
  2. Hello Randy, I just saw your note today. Thank You. I'd almost given up on this site completely, only because it seems very active for cancer patients, but in the grief and loss department, not so much. I am so sorry for your loss too. I've found myself engaging in some of the activities you described here. I have an oak tree that still has dead leaves although 'fall' is far behind us. When I walk my dogs I stand under the tree and wait for the leaves to start shaking in the breeze, especially if there is no wind. I tell myself that this is some sort of sign, though I don't know if I believe that at all. I talk to her from under the tree. I think it is part of human nature to look for these signs. My mother's father died far too young from black lung (kentucky coal miner). Mom was devastated. She shared with me that soon after his funeral, she had a dream visitation. In the dream her dad was young and healthy. He was standing on the near side of a small creek smiling. He hopped over (crossed over?) to the other side and then looked back and waved. She believed all of her life that he came to tell her that it was ok, he was happy and in no pain. Playing devil's advocate, if he did that for her, and she believed it with all her heart, why has she not visited my dreams in 2.5 mos now? I am not a religious person, I wish I was, it sure would help right about now. My mother told me less than a week before her passing that she knows there is something beyond this life and has known with certainty since she was four. She had a dream one night about her best friend's grandfather, he was floating up a hill and then over the tombstones in the cemetery. At breakfast she learned that he had died overnight. He was not very old and was not sick. I am so glad that when mom died she was so certain of something more. I'm glad that she was okay emotionally and mentally with what was happening. Thank you for your response, I haven't quite gotten the hang of this forum yet and I believe when I was looking for notifications to my post, I neglected to notice I was not signed in, I took that as a lack of activity, but it was only user error. Hearing from someone else who has experienced a loss like this and the anger (mine not with GOD, not with Mom so much,but with cigarettes in general) helps. I feel very isolated in dealing with my feelings. My husband is a big help, but I haven't made much time to engage with friends, though they have reached out and offered support the way true friends always do. Thank you for reading and for sharing. Thanks to all who have commented here.
  3. Hi Donna, thank you for responding. The last several days have been far worse than the ones I was most dreading (like Christmas day, or family gatherings for Christmas with my mother's family and such). My brother is creating a lot of family strife with my Dad and my siblings, I think that the current situation as it relates to the loss of my mother has been so much in the front of mind, that my still fresh grief, which I thought I was managing alright, has been given new life by my brother's behavior. I guess what I don't understand is that how trough my internet searches for others like myself, who have lost someone to lung cancer, and for whom the anger sometimes overshadows the grief I have found nobody. Someone else here suggested I seek counsel with a clergy member. That doesn't work for me for many reasons. I hoped that I could find someone online who was maybe like me, and found some awesome ways to channel the negative emotions. I know that anger is a part of grieving, but I'm not sure if mine is the same, or different. I am not mad at God. I am mad a Mom which sucks because she is gone. She repeatedly told me she was sorry during her final weeks (although I never told her or displayed anger). I told her she had nothing to be sorry about. Of course I told her that I love her. Soon after her diagnosis, we talked about the 'lung cancer stigma' (I was already doing web searches then for people who are angry with a loved one who has lung cancer (maybe this was anticipatory grief?)). I didn't want my mom to feel ashamed or guilty, and I told her that back then. Yet while wanting to spare her those negative feelings, I"M PISSED. I see above in your small bio that you are a LC survivor and that you lost your husband 2+ years ago. I'm very sorry that you have gone through so much. I hope you don't think I'm awful for the things I said. I know that for many it is every bit as addictive as heroin, and when you started (as you said) you just didn't know. My mom was 74 this year. So she was in the same boat. And she was one of the unlucky ones too who was not able to quit once she did know the dangers. Some of my anger is justly directed towards the tobacco companies (and let's not forget the lobbyists!!). And that anger is easy for me to understand and deal with. But being angry with your deceased loved one, that just really stinks. Again thank you, and if you know of a more lively grief forum, please let me know, this one is a very lonely place and I think when you are reaching out and nobody responds, it just makes you feel more isolated in your emotions (you know?)
  4. Please, someone, if you are reading this and you share these feelings, leave a reply. I am here hoping to hear from someone in the same situation. Coming here makes me feel even more alone in my grief because nobody replies.
  5. Does anyone else out there ever feel really upset or angry when you see someone smoking? Many of my coworkers go outside for smoke breaks. Some know all about my mother's cancer, others do not. I cannot help feeling so frustrated, sad, and angry towards them. My thinking is that yes, they realize they may someday develop cancer, but what I am guessing they don't realize is how difficult it is for the survivors to deal with their grief when they are also very angry at their lost loved one. Am I the only one who feels this way? This is the part of my grief that seems most difficult at times. I know that the anger is a negative emotion, and on some levels I feel I have forgiven my mom. I realize that she didn't know the dangers back in the 50's when she started. And is it right to be angry with somone for living their life their way? No. So logically I get it, but emotionally, not so much.
  6. Katie, I just lost my mother November 4th. Things that helped: writing her obituary! baking her famous apple cake and organge drop cookies creating a speacial ornament in her honor. I also talk to her when I am outside with my dogs.
  7. Michelle, so sorry for your loss. This was my first Christmas without my mom. It was really hard. She kept our family together, kept the peace. Everyone is now fighting with one another. My Dad is 81, when he passes on, I don't know if my siblings will remain in touch with one another. I have 3 daughters, they keep me busy and usually happy. We had a very nice Christmas. Getting through those one-a-year parties with extended family was tough, but the dread of going was worse than actually being there. I hope you had a great Christmas this year.
  8. Thank You all, I sort of lost track of this site shortly after my post. Cindy, I guess I stumbled in the same direction that you had been pointing me. My daughters and I have found that cooking some of mom's best recipes this holiday season made her seem closer. I also made a Christmas ornament 'wordle' on a glass ornament to memorialize her. I used keywords from her life, family members etc... I made one for my father and siblings though I've only been able to deliver my Dad's so far. I am struggling though, good days and bad. My kids keep me busy and my husband has been very helpful in providing me with the proper perspective to help me examine my feelings from a different angle. My siblings and I are very close in age, all in our 40's and there has been a lot of nastiness in the interactions surrounding one family member. These are new issues to deal with on top of loss and grief. Another sibling has had tremendous difficulty coping and has had a complete breakdown/hospitalization. tmshy34- I am sorry for your loss as well. I will look for your survey when I have the time.
  9. Christine808 and Migates, I am truly sorry to hear that your father has cancer. Glad to hear you have found supportive health professionals and they are moving quickly. Even if you father cannot be part of a study due to the spread, there are some new immunotherapy options that have already been approved by the FDA, depending of course on the type of cancer and the specific DNA of same. We lost my mother to NSCLC this month, distance of family was an issue for us too. I'm glad you have both been able to see and spend time with your father, to lend that support that I'm sure he appreciates right now. Your father sounds like a fighter. I know that will help not just him, but you two also. My thougts are with you. Mary
  10. It was my mother, not brother. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes not. I will check out the grief link you posted, thanks.
  11. Hello, I am new here. I am looking for grief support. Do I need to create a timeline similar to those I've seen attached to posts? If so how?
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