Hello Randy,
I just saw your note today. Thank You. I'd almost given up on this site completely, only because it seems very active for cancer patients, but in the grief and loss department, not so much. I am so sorry for your loss too.
I've found myself engaging in some of the activities you described here. I have an oak tree that still has dead leaves although 'fall' is far behind us. When I walk my dogs I stand under the tree and wait for the leaves to start shaking in the breeze, especially if there is no wind. I tell myself that this is some sort of sign, though I don't know if I believe that at all. I talk to her from under the tree. I think it is part of human nature to look for these signs.
My mother's father died far too young from black lung (kentucky coal miner). Mom was devastated. She shared with me that soon after his funeral, she had a dream visitation. In the dream her dad was young and healthy. He was standing on the near side of a small creek smiling. He hopped over (crossed over?) to the other side and then looked back and waved. She believed all of her life that he came to tell her that it was ok, he was happy and in no pain. Playing devil's advocate, if he did that for her, and she believed it with all her heart, why has she not visited my dreams in 2.5 mos now?
I am not a religious person, I wish I was, it sure would help right about now. My mother told me less than a week before her passing that she knows there is something beyond this life and has known with certainty since she was four. She had a dream one night about her best friend's grandfather, he was floating up a hill and then over the tombstones in the cemetery. At breakfast she learned that he had died overnight. He was not very old and was not sick. I am so glad that when mom died she was so certain of something more. I'm glad that she was okay emotionally and mentally with what was happening.
Thank you for your response, I haven't quite gotten the hang of this forum yet and I believe when I was looking for notifications to my post, I neglected to notice I was not signed in, I took that as a lack of activity, but it was only user error. Hearing from someone else who has experienced a loss like this and the anger (mine not with GOD, not with Mom so much,but with cigarettes in general) helps. I feel very isolated in dealing with my feelings. My husband is a big help, but I haven't made much time to engage with friends, though they have reached out and offered support the way true friends always do.
Thank you for reading and for sharing. Thanks to all who have commented here.