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PamelaLI's Achievements


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  1. My therapist she said that I am angry with my mother for dying....however, my anger did nothing to make her dying days better and in the long run harmed me (even more). All that it did was cause me deep depression because I had to turn my anger inward. It could not really be expressed as she was dying now, could it? My strong mother looked at me and said "Did you ever think you'd see me this way? and I I responded..."Yes, mom, I did, and this was what I was afraid of all my life." I keep telling myself to be grateful that she lived to 86 and that she only really suffered 6 weeks. She sat on the edge of the bed and said to a minister...."Why all the suffering??" But I have had a hell of a 2.5 years since losing her. Trying to find a way to fill the loss and to accept her addiction that finally killed her. Its been very hard on those close to me to see how long my grief has lasted. By far the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life and it has made me sick. I just have to keep on...living..
  2. Thank you BridgetO for your reply. Unfortunately it is already 2 and a half years since I lost my mom to lung cancer. As of this day I STILL CRY at her loss..i have terrible flashbaacks of how she suffered and how we were helpless to stop her dying and it has left me with such sadness and painful memories of how she suffered during those last 6 weeks. I am in therapy to help me deal with my grief. It's been very hard. And my grief has been made worse because I was so angry with her. Because for years I saw this coming...and I begged her to stop and I was unsuccessful. You are right, that each person has the right to live their life they way they want to and it is an addiction. I just kept asking myself why, when so many people I know (her 2 sisters, my husbands parents) did quit, why she could not because my worse nightmare came true when I had to watch her die of this. I am still 2 1/2 years later on a long road to acceptance and healing....but I miss my mother every day in ways that all daughters miss their mothers. She is the only one who could forgive me my anger, but she is gone. Pamela--Long Island
  3. I'm sorry that I did not see your post earlier... My mother died of small cell lung cancer last March after 65 years of smoking. I was SO ANGRY with my mother when she was diagnosedbecause 6 years earlier she also had a small tumor in her lung, which was operated on and removed. She had a big scare, she had her WARNING and we, as her daughters went through a lot with driving to/from the hospital, seeing her through her surgery (at 80) and watching her difficult recovery. We were afraid of losing her, but she pulled through. She stopped smoking.....Then 9 months later she started smoking again. I was PISSED. But more than that all my life I begged my mother to stop smoking because I was so afraid for her, I was afraid that something terrible would happen to her. I was my mother's first born of 4 girls and I loved my mother and I cared about her but my greatest fear was that something terrible could happen to her because of her smoking. I didn't want to see her get sick, I didn't want to lose her! But she would not listen to me. Fast forward 6 years later, routine CT scan revealed a large tumor in the same lung. I lost it. My sister who is one year younger than me who is a very compassionate caring health care practitioner took it in stride. I said, NOW WHAT????? The surgery 6 years ago almost killed her! My sister said, well....surgery isn't the only option, we can look at chemotherapy, radiation, etc. etc. etc. I was SO ANGRY. And I said you know what? I am NOT on board with this. I refuse to turn my life upside down this time, driving to and from chemotherapy treatments, and on and on and during the next year and half of her treatments, she lived with my sister and I stopped by occasionally, but it upset me too much to see my mother dragging around an oxygen tank, wearing turbans because she lost her hair. Her greatest fear was dying from not being able to breathe. so after a year and half of chemo, during which the tumor shrank 85% followed by chemo, she reacted well, but the cancer had its own ideas. Eventually they found a tumor in her brain, it interfered with her ability to speak, more radiation to her brain, then she got her speech back, then the doctor finally told us that while she had reacted well to the chemo and had good results, that he would not recommend more treatments. Exactly one year ago, the resulting metasteses to her liver, bones, etc. etc. took her to a very slow and painful death. And we had to watch it. Which almost killed ME. The suffering I endured watching my mother die was on a scale of horror that I really wondered if I could ever mentally recover from. I was so traumatized by watching my mother die I thought I was going to have to go into a psychiatric hospital because I was consumed with grief, complicated by ANGER. ANGER that she did this to herself, anger that she did this to us, and anger that we had to watch her die like she did. So, when you ask in your post "Is there anyone else out there who feels like I do?" I have to say YES. My grief has been crippling and my mother-in-law has said that my grief is worse because I held so much anger towards my mother. So, guess what? I get to suffer AGAIN and more than a usual grieving person would. So this is my story and my response to your posting. Yes, I get the ANGER.
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