I'm sorry that I did not see your post earlier... My mother died of small cell lung cancer last March after 65 years of smoking. I was SO ANGRY with my mother when she was diagnosedbecause 6 years earlier she also had a small tumor in her lung, which was operated on and removed. She had a big scare, she had her WARNING and we, as her daughters went through a lot with driving to/from the hospital, seeing her through her surgery (at 80) and watching her difficult recovery. We were afraid of losing her, but she pulled through. She stopped smoking.....Then 9 months later she started smoking again. I was PISSED. But more than that all my life I begged my mother to stop smoking because I was so afraid for her, I was afraid that something terrible would happen to her. I was my mother's first born of 4 girls and I loved my mother and I cared about her but my greatest fear was that something terrible could happen to her because of her smoking. I didn't want to see her get sick, I didn't want to lose her! But she would not listen to me. Fast forward 6 years later, routine CT scan revealed a large tumor in the same lung. I lost it. My sister who is one year younger than me who is a very compassionate caring health care practitioner took it in stride. I said, NOW WHAT????? The surgery 6 years ago almost killed her! My sister said, well....surgery isn't the only option, we can look at chemotherapy, radiation, etc. etc. etc. I was SO ANGRY. And I said you know what? I am NOT on board with this. I refuse to turn my life upside down this time, driving to and from chemotherapy treatments, and on and on and during the next year and half of her treatments, she lived with my sister and I stopped by occasionally, but it upset me too much to see my mother dragging around an oxygen tank, wearing turbans because she lost her hair. Her greatest fear was dying from not being able to breathe. so after a year and half of chemo, during which the tumor shrank 85% followed by chemo, she reacted well, but the cancer had its own ideas. Eventually they found a tumor in her brain, it interfered with her ability to speak, more radiation to her brain, then she got her speech back, then the doctor finally told us that while she had reacted well to the chemo and had good results, that he would not recommend more treatments. Exactly one year ago, the resulting metasteses to her liver, bones, etc. etc. took her to a very slow and painful death. And we had to watch it. Which almost killed ME. The suffering I endured watching my mother die was on a scale of horror that I really wondered if I could ever mentally recover from. I was so traumatized by watching my mother die I thought I was going to have to go into a psychiatric hospital because I was consumed with grief, complicated by ANGER. ANGER that she did this to herself, anger that she did this to us, and anger that we had to watch her die like she did. So, when you ask in your post "Is there anyone else out there who feels like I do?" I have to say YES. My grief has been crippling and my mother-in-law has said that my grief is worse because I held so much anger towards my mother. So, guess what? I get to suffer AGAIN and more than a usual grieving person would. So this is my story and my response to your posting. Yes, I get the ANGER.