My therapist she said that I am angry with my mother for dying....however, my anger did nothing to make her dying days better and in the long run harmed me (even more). All that it did was cause me deep depression because I had to turn my anger inward. It could not really be expressed as she was dying now, could it?
My strong mother looked at me and said "Did you ever think you'd see me this way? and I I responded..."Yes, mom, I did, and this was what I was afraid of all my life."
I keep telling myself to be grateful that she lived to 86 and that she only really suffered 6 weeks. She sat on the edge of the bed and said to a minister...."Why all the suffering??"
But I have had a hell of a 2.5 years since losing her. Trying to find a way to fill the loss and to accept her addiction that finally killed her. Its been very hard on those close to me to see how long my grief has lasted.
By far the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life and it has made me sick.
I just have to keep on...living..