I am sorry your initial post didn't get the responses you were hoping for, I have been a bit out of the loop and am seeing your post for the first time. I am a caregiver for my mom as well. Well, I am more like an advocate that makes sure my mom is doing her best to take care of herself. From a caregiver's perspective, I don't think your rant is cold-hearted or uncaring. I understand 100% what you are going through. My mom is on her 1st lung cancer recurrence. I was crushed when she was diagnosed with it. I literally went to work and came home and cried and screamed. I am thankful my husband was working nights at the time, otherwise he would have had me committed. Again, I completely understand you and your brother's fear and heartbreak.
Here's some food for thought: People are different in how they deal with a life threatening illness. Your mom is obviously responding in a way that you don't agree with. That isn't easy. My suggestion is to make sure she understands her disease and that if the lung cancer is left unchecked, she will likely die from it. The main LUNGevity website has great, easy to read information about all things lung cancer. There are also great checklists to use during doctor's appointments. Once you know that she absolutely understands what she is battling, ask her what she wants out of this battle. Does she want to deal with any type of treatment, even if the side effects are mild? If she does not want any treatment, ask her why - this can help you to understand her underlying reasons for her decision. And at the end of the day, it is ultimately her decision. If she is open to some type of treatment with little side effects, you can have this discussion with her docs. If she is not opening up to you, you can let her docs know of your concern and perhaps they can help with the conversation. But no matter what she understands, her answer may still be "no treatment".
I'm sorry you are having to navigate these waters with you mom. It's really hard when the child has to step up and act like a parent to their parent. I've been doing that for 4 years now and it's exhausting. But as a caregiver, we just keep moving forward, there's no other choice.
Please know that these forums are a safe place to vent and there is no judgement here. It's also a great place to get information. LUNGevity also offers a Lifeline Partner program. This program can pair you and/or your mom with a peer who understands what you are each going through. Perhaps it would be helpful for your mom to hear from others who have been in her same situation. You can look more into the program on LUNGevity's main web page.
Please feel free to reach out anytime..we are here for YOU.