Daddys Little Girl @ 35!

My thinking is this, when my dad passed away, I expected that the entire world should have stopped and paid their respects. After all, he was the Greatest Man Alive Ever right??? Well, then you come to understand as the grief continues that everyone around you is continuing to live their lives. And eventually you have to join the human race and start to live it with them because the more that you want to stay in that dark world of not moving forward, the more that you get trapped in the world of grief! Not a good place to be.... Now when I think I try to think of all the good that my dad did. I try to remember how proud he was of me and my daughter. I try to remember how happy he was to tell anyone of his family. And I think of how interested he always was in what others had to say. Truly interested, not just being polite like so many can do. And more than anything, I remember how much I still love him and how nothing will ever take that away even if he is not in this world any more. I think that my dad is now sitting in heaven with the angels surrounding him while he plays his sax for them. (This is a beautiful thought since he couldn't play for quite a while before he passed away -- it was too painful for him.) Days have gone by now, they turned to months. Pretty soon we will get to the holidays and there will be this empty spot in the family where dad should be...but I have a family to get me through this time and I will try to focus my thoughts on this. I will try to focus on what my dad would have wanted from me. And then I will turn on some of his Jazz music and smile as I think of that wonderful man... And that is what I think today....since we are sharing and all!

Okay, so we just are starting to pick up the pieces again since my Dad passed and now today we just got the news that now my uncle has been diagnosed with LC. What is with the month of August always bringing bad news???? I'm not especially close to my uncle but my worries are not only for him and his health but also for my mother. How much can one person take. Here my father now her brother! I hate this damn disease and I just wanted to say that.... All prayers are welcome!!!

Hi Bunny, Okay, before I start to rattle on and on the way that I want to I should say that I am sooooooo super jealous of you right now that it is not even funny! I wish like crazy that I could go back to over a year ago when my dad was just diagnosed and spend every waking moment with him. I would take every single guilt trip, every bad "meds" day, every bit of grumpiness that he has to dish out, if I could just do it all over again. I remember now that even as the last days drew near it was still such a shock to me -- all very surreal -- and I just think that deep down although I knew how sick he really was I didn't expect him to ever really be gone. With that in mind, I guess I just wanted to say that there is no perfect balance for a caregiver, family member, friend, anyone involved in this entire ugly mess of having to deal with LC. It is an unfair and brutal disease that doesn't care who it picks on. You just have to do what is best for you and your family all the way around. When you feel that you are losing your mind because it is getting to be too much, then you need to walk away. There are many people who will say that the patients can not walk away from what they are battling inside and that is more true than anything I could ever imagine, but YOU must walk away if you are going to be strong for your mom when she needs you. You will be of no help to your mom, brother, friends, or work if you are so burned out from getting pulled into a million different directions. Vent and get it out here all day long, that is why this site is here, but just smile and love your mom. Please don't take the time that you have with your mom for granted and let it get tainted up with guilt or anything else negitive. Maybe just give her a hug everytime that you think she is getting to the guilt trip part, you will never ever regret giving out those hugs, I promise.... Take care of yourself! Mary

Well, with this being just another one of the "Firsts" that are coming up I wanted to share with everyone just how nice the 4th of July was for my family. This was the first time since my dad died that everyone was NOT walking around on egg shells, particularly around me. I think that is probably because I was the first one to just talk about him. It was so nice to hear my family laughing while we were remembering. You could still see the pain of the loss that was on our faces but the memories not being forgotten felt great! We are still trying to get through one day at a time but it is nice to feel like a family again instead of having this dark cloud hanging over our heads. And even the grandkids acted more like they used to. I'm sure that they are picking up on a lot of more of our emotions than what we think, you really can't get things past kids, they are a lot smarter than we give them credit for at times. Anyway, just wanted to share a happy story for once. Thought that you would all enjoy this one....hopefully the next 1st will be easier too. Still dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas! Ugg!!! But we can do this right???? Until later then! Mary

Kim, I'm not sure what to say about Nicolas because I know that each child is different. I think that it probably will just take time and that you just need to make sure that he knows that you will always love him. Sounds like he was pretty close to Grandma! Maybe trying to get him to remember all the good times that they shared and bring up funny stories that he can laugh, or even cry, about to help him with his grief??? Just a thought. As far as your dad dating, I think that anything that helps to lessen some of the loneliness that he feels is great. My mom and dad were married for going on 48 years and at first I was dead set against Mom dating anyone. Now when I visit her I can see the loneliness setting in and it breaks my heart. I wish I could be with her more than what I'm able to. Just taking her out to dinner once in a while doesn't seem like enough! I'm sure that whatever your Dad will decide to do will be the best for all of you. And I love reading your posts, I love knowing just how much care and love you pour into your family. Good luck! Mary

I know that watching how fast everything escalated must be awful. My dad went through the same thing. He was diagnosed in August of last year, past away on May 23rd this year. Sometimes I find myself smiling now while I am remembering some of the things that my dad used to do. I still find myself in tears a lot. Last week, my husband and I got into an arguement and I found myself sitting at the cemetary for 2 hours bawling and just talking to dad. Some of my friends that have lost parents tell me that it will get better, that the good memories will start to erase the bad memories. I know from my head that they are correct but sometimes the heart is talking louder than what the head is and the heart always wins out in the end. People around me didn't understand how to deal with my grief either. It was awful and sometimes still is. My husband finally just sat me down and said that it was time to get back to my life, meaning get back to work, start taking care of my daughter, and most importantly for me, give my undivided attention to the living, especially my mom. I was so mad at him for telling me all of this stuff I can't even tell you. To make a long story short, I got back to work right after Fathers Day and now I can feel some of the pieces starting to come together again. I can't imagine some of your pain, that is only because I know that we are all dealing with everything in our own way, but I will be here. If you need to talk to someone shoot me an email sometime. I promise that if you are in tears, I will be in tears with you. No one will cry alone on my watch.... I'm keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.... Mary

That was so beautifully put. That is the exact way that I feel. It is hard to come back to these forums at times. I find myself in tears more often then not while ready the posts. With that being said I also feel that I have been included in a family that was there to support me and I want to be there to support others in that same way. The therapy that was and still is provided for me will not ever be forgotten, just like all the "Angels" that are looking down on us now from Heaven above. Thanks again for your post....

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers Shelly. I'm so sorry for your loss....

Today I read through some of the comments that you all have posted regarding me venting yesterday. I guess it is easy for me to come here and vent out to everyone knowing that I am hidden in the shadows of my keyboard. Love that!!! With that being said let me also say that I have not forgotten my daughter, I have not gotten swallowed up in a bottle of booze, I have not turned my back on anyone. But when I want to get a little selfish and wallow in self pity, then I'm going to. That doesn't mean that I don't want to sleep all day, get swallowed in a bottle of booze, or turn my back on everyone and just runaway!!! That doesn't mean that the idea of sleeping away about the next 8 months (getting me past Thanksgiving and Christmas at least) has not been the most fabulous sounding thing in the world to me. Then I think to myself that maybe I'm more extreme then others??? Maybe others are more extreme then I am and I just don't know it because I don't see it or hear about it. Really if we think about the grieving time that we give when a loved one dies it is so ironic. (No sarcasism intended!) We give years of our life perfecting everything we do but there is no time for something like this. I just don't get that??? Reading through some of the postings here has been liberating, painful, cleansing, and uplifting at times. Sometimes when I want to laugh I can just call a friend. At 3am when the family is all sleeping there is no one to call. That is when the burden is on me and me alone! And yes -- I am a night owl anyway so why should this time be any different? Anyway, for those of you who replied to me and my babblings yesterday, thank you! I appreciate all your concern. Rest assured, I am still in the land of the living, my daughter and husband are still number one in my life, and I am trying to figure out the best way to be there for the person that this is more than likely affecting way more than anyone else right now -- MOM! Any suggestions on what I can do for her is always welcomed. I want to be there for her as much as possible without smothering her too much! Thanks again until later.... PS -- Day 2 at work was not as bad as day one. Life does go on and gets better, right?

I know that I need to get back into my life. I know that my family is tired of me sleeping all day, drinking, acting selfish and out of control, but I honestly don't have any desire to continue living a "normal" life right now. I just want to grieve my way, not my husbands way, not my daughters way, not my friends way, just my own way. Yes I am the emotional one in the family. I know enough to admit that. And I know that my family needs me to be back to my normal self. But frankly I just no longer care. I want to cry when I want to cry, I want to scream when I want to scream, I want to go to the cemetary when I want to go to the cemetary. And I just want to be left alone when I want to be left alone!!! Why is that so difficult for others to understand. I know that my dad suffered and that it is better this way. I know that he would want me to be happy and get on with life. I don't know who these people are that they feel that they have to say "What would your dad want you to do?" I just want to reach out and strangle them when they say that! Fathers Day is gone now. All I can say about that is Thank the Lord it is over. Now Monday is here and I am back to work. If that is what you call this. Basically I am just sitting here at the computer trying to stay out of everyone's way and can't get into my email or half the items that I need to be able to get into. This sucks!! I just want this day to hurry up and get over with! Praying for patience now....

Hi Dee, I can relate to your friends guilt for smoking. I have been the smoker in my family for over 18 years not, pretty sad considering that I am only 35. But, the kids I grew up with all smoked, you just did it, never really even thought about it. But dad never smoked, so there is my guilt. Please tell Claire that there is not enought time in life to hold onto guilt. My advise is to print out this entire message board in this forum, invite her to dinner, sit down with her and just hand them right over to her over coffee and dessert. Maybe there is something else that she is worried about too that she is not ready to share yet??? Good luck! On a side note, being the nosey person that I am, I did a google on haggis, read on.... "a dish which comes from Scotland consisting of various sheep's organs cut up with onions and spices and cooked inside a sheep's stomach" Glad I'm Irish, I'll take a potato over that any day!!! Yuck!!!!!

Your grandfather was a very -- VERY VERY -- lucky person! May God bless you and give you and your family the strength and peace that you need. I'm sure that you are your grandfathers special angel sent from heaven above! Mary

Angela, my dad died May 23, 2005. I'm not doing real well right now but I was just thinking that since I'm a milestone girl myself, maybe we can see eachother right here next year! At this point I can't see a year, a decade, or even a lifetime filling that gap of such a great man and I'm sure that is just exactly how you feel too! Keeping you in my prayers!

Hi Kelly, As I am in the midst of feeling that I am losing my mind also I feel right at home speaking to you. I just lost dad May 23, but I feel like no one WANTS me to grieve. It is strange but everyone around me is just afraid of what I will do if I really let go, which is just now beginning to happen. Everything and anything will set it off. Crazy things that I haven't thought of in years, music, smells, even the look of my own arm set me into tears just the other day. All I could see was the bone in dads arm before the end. He was down to between 80 - 90 lbs. Just a bag of bones really. Anyway, I wanted to mention that I see so many others are mentioning Hospice, they really are there for purposes like this. Not only that but if you contact the Funeral Home where your services were held, or any funeral home for that matter, they can also give you grief support groups. Counseling is a must. Doctors can give you medicine for depression and anxiety but that is really just a short term fix. Hospice and grief support groups are there for long term support. In regard to losing your mom 8 months ago and still going through this, compare that to how long she was in your life? Please keep in mind that there is no right way or wrong way to deal with this, it is a terrible thing that no one should ever have to deal with. I'm praying for you right now. I'm also praying that your mom is in heaven showing my dad around town and that they are having a great time. Maybe my dad is playing his saxophone for her, after all he couldn't play it for the past 6 months and that was tearing him apart in itself. My brother said it best when he said that our tears should be for us, we are the ones not in heaven, we can rest at ease with the knowledge that our loved ones are!!! I wish you luck!

May the Lord embrace you in His peace during this for you and your family. My deepest condolances.