Candy

Hi All, it has been a while since I have posted. I still miss Hugh so much but it does get "different" with time. Its been over a year now. Our new granddaughter was born on September 7th. I have just arrived home from South Carolina. She looks SO much like Hugh, even more than our son does. Everyone remarks on it. Its like Hugh's legacy. However, it hasn't been an easy road. She was born with DiGeorge's Syndrome (a missing 22nd chromosome). She has had open heart surgery which successfully repaired several holes in her heart and enlarged her aorta. She has a feeding tube until she can learn to swallow, no thymus gland which means she has a very weak immune system. She is home from the hospital and her parents are exhausted. Jeremy is in the AirForce and stationed at Shaw Airforce Base. So far from home and so much to deal with. They are only 23 and 22 years old. But I am convinced that Hugh is watching over her. As soon as I figure out how to do it I will post pics of her. She is BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Paige, I am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this difficult time. I wish I could say something that would actually help.

Wow TeeTaa, that gave me chills. I don't know about anyone else but that could be Hugh in that boat under the Rainbow Bridge. One thing he loved was fishing and especially with my brother. The two of them had such a friendly rivalry. Most of the time when I am thinking about where Hugh may be right now I think of him on that Rainbow Bridge. I love that whole concept (Thank you Norme). I sure hope Hugh is fishing on the river below it also. Thanks for a great new visual.

Hey Dave, Sorry to hear your news isn't the greatest. I think about you often as you were among the first to post to me when I first joined after Hugh was diagnosed. I know you can continue to win this battle. Do you have any specific trials in mind?

Great news Lily! Good for you. I am so glad to hear things seem to be going in the right direction.

Thanks Rick. I have been having occassional problems logging on. It took over 15 minutes to clear my cache so it must have been pretty big. Don't know if its what is causing my problems but I am really glad to know how to clear my cache.

Every single time this disease takes another person my heart feels like its being ripped out. I am so very sorry. I sure wish there was something I could say that would make it even a little better, but we all know that's just not possible.

Glad to hear that you got through your birthday Curtis. A tame tabby? I hardly think so. You have to be part wild cat to survive any of this.

Well, I DID it. I drove from Massachusetts to South Carolina by myself. Well, not entirely by myself, I had my dog with me. The trip went well and was easier than I had anticipated as far as driving goes. I did get tied up in a traffic jam caused by an accident going down and ended up pretty much parked on Route 95 for 3 hours while they took care of clearing the road. I drove all in one day so it put me at Jeremy's house at 12:30 a.m. when I had left my house at 5:00 a.m. I am always amazed at the range of emotions I go through since Hugh died. I was elated that I had found the courage to drive so far by myself and sad much of the way because I knew how much fun Hugh and I would have had making the trip together. We always broke up our long trips into a couple of nights so we could get off the beaten track and enjoy the trip as well. I can't say I thought of this trip as anywhere near something to enjoy. The drive was a necessity and all I wanted was to get it out of the way. I stopped only at rest areas to use the bathrooms and walk the dog and get gas. Since Hugh died I always feel like I stand out, sort of like the word "widow" is flashing neon green over my head. I know thats ridiculous but I find it uncomfortable. So, I was elated, sad, weepy, content and more all in one 16 hour road trip. The dog was good company and she rode like a dream. Traveling with a dog alone does pose a minor problem - it was extremely hot and I didn't have a choice but to leave her in the car while I used the restrooms. I was a nervous wreck about leaving her in the car for even 5 minutes in that heat, but I didn't have a choice. I left her seatbelted (yes, there are even seatbelts for dogs) with the windows open and the sun roof open and made sure I parked in the shade. If the lines were too long I waited until the next rest area. And of course I had a pity party or two about not having Hugh around to share the dog watching. It seems like I can find a million things every single day to remind me how being without Hugh just plain sucks. But, I got to see Jeremy and Sarah and had a very enjoyable week visiting. Sarah ended up coming home with me because she got news that her Grandmother was failing. Another loss to cancer - God, how I HATE this disease and our inability to find a cure!!!!!! She got home in time to see her and was grateful to be able to attend the funeral. She is 8 months pregnant, Jeremy couldn't get leave so it hasn't been an easy week for her. I will be glad to see her safely back in South Carolina so she and Jeremy can be together to wait for Casey's arrival together. I have been concerned that the baby might decide to arrive early with all of the stress she is under. I haven't been able to catch up with everyone's posts while I was gone, I hope all is as well as can be for everyone!

I am so sorry for your pain Ginny. I wish there was more I could do.

Mine is pretty boring also. My name is actually Candace and Candy is the standard nickname and what most everyone calls me. I do have 2 friends that use Candace. My brother and sister and a couple of family friends call me Bird. Some friend of my parents once told me I was flighty like a bird when I was a kid and that stuck and I have been Bird to family members ever since. Hugh never called me by my name. I don't think I heard him refer to me as Candy more than twice in the entire time we were together and once was our wedding vows. He literally had a new name for me everyday and sometimes 2 or 3 in a day. Some were cute, some were socially unacceptable. The kids still laugh about that. When Jeremy walked into the house one day with his then new girlfriend Sarah (now his wife) and Hugh said "Hi Saranade" Jeremy turned around with a huge grin on his face and excitedly said "You've got a nickname, your really part of the family now!" Saranade has stuck. This is a great thread!

((((Connie))))) That was truly lovely. It made me cry. You are wonderfully brave!

Welcome back Dean.

Curtis is right, its not selfish at all to wish you could have more time with someone you love. If it was selfish we would all be extremely selfish people. I think you will find that as time goes by you will have more and more good minutes. Notice I say minutes because that seems to be what I measure my time by. I still have more really bad times than not, but I do have times now that I stop what I am doing and realize that I actually functioned for a while without thinking about how sad I am. I know that now when I think about my Dad who I lost over 30 years ago or my Mom who I lost 10 years ago, I tend to smile about memories more often than I cry. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Everyone, I have continued to "lurk" to check on everyone. I still don't know what I would do without this board to come to. It STILL seems like a personal victory to hear about everyone who is doing well and just as personal to hear bad news. I've been back to Texas to see Jeremy graduate from Tech School. Though it is still a hard thing for me to have him so far away, I am really proud of him and have trouble thinking about my baby being a police officer. He is stationed in South Carolina and I am driving down on the 17th to see him. Can't believe I am doing it - boy am I nervous! I have some friends and family that are pretty upset with me, but my answer to them all is that if I don't DO this stuff I will be paralyzed. I HAVE to be able to do for myself, I don't want to have to hope that friends or family are free and available to go somewhere with me. If, at 48, I can't drive for 12 hours than I might as well hand in my license. Its strange really to find yourself alone at my age - at any age I would guess. I have people who worry a great deal about me, but the bottom line is they have their own lives to live and mostly I am not a part of it - can't be and shouldn't be. They will tell me not to drive to South Carolina or not to do other things, but they don't say they will drive with me. Of course they can't and I understand that, but I don't think many people understand what I am going through. I believe you can't unless you live it. Jeremy and I were chatting on the phone the other night and he suddenly said "I keep thinking this is going to get better but it just keeps getting worse". Sure does. I just got by what would have been my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary (June 22). I was nothing more than a train wreck the entire day. Fourth of July was another horrible weekend. NO ONE was around, they all had things to do and places to go. Can you say alone? I allowed myself one meltdown on Friday night, had 2 glasses of wine and then made myself keep busy. I weeded, mowed, refinished a chest of drawers, washed windows and cleaned. All things I hate of course, but they helped me get through the weekend and push the thoughts of how well Hugh was feeling around that time last year. He had just finished chemo, he built a beautiful fence and arbor in the yard and we did a day-long fishing trip with my brother and had a cookout afterwards. Within two weeks we found he had brain mets. I also lost our basset hound. She was Hugh's princess and yet another connection I feel I have lost. I had to have her put to sleep as her kidneys stopped working and it was untreatable. She was 14 years old. I had her cremated and she is tucked away with Hugh. I can still close my eyes and see her sitting on Hugh's lap (all 70 pounds of her) while he scratched her belly and rocked. I had some bad moments dealing with that. So, I just wanted to say hi to everyone. I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a pit of depression. Like its right underneath me and if I let go I may never get back out. Keeping busy helps, this board helps, I think my trip will help. Right after Hugh died I felt numb and could only concentrate on getting through the very next minute. I think for a couple of months that seemed to get a little better, but then the dog died and I again started missing Hugh (not that I ever stopped) and feeling like I can't think past the next minute again. The dull ache I had started to feel was much more tolerable than this acute pain. Heavy Sigh, I am now officially done with my pity party. I will have another granddaughter soon. Casey Erin is due to arrive on September 3. The doctors say she could arrive as early as mid August. Another trip to South Carolina will be in the future. I can't wait to meet her.

Ginny - This makes me so sad. Even now I wonder how we all manage to get through this. I am sending prayers and warm thoughts.

I also wonder WHEN I will start to like life again. Everything you all talk about is just what I feel. Its comforting to know that I am probably NOT going insane. I get up everyday, I go through all the motions of living, but I am just never happy. I think I have times when I'm not consciously sad, and even times that I enjoy what I am doing, but I want to be happy again, I don't see it happening. My kids try so hard to fill the gap that their Dad left and I love being around them and am so grateful they are there. No matter how much of a "happy face" I paste on when they are around they see through it and then I feel like I've let them down.

Hugh was a heavy smoker - unfiltered Camels for quite a few years. He had quit more than 20 years ago.

I would love it if you used Hugh's picture. Keep up the good work!

You know, that "widow's table" is another thing that REALLY bothers me a lot. It seems like every single event means I get seated with the other "widows". Last week I was invited to dinner at a friends house and she invited another widow to come along with me. Nothing wrong with it really, it just bothers me. Also, it doesn't matter that I am 48 and the others are in their 70s. You just can't sit at a table with the married folk.

I have feelings like that all the time. Its weird I know and like Katie I try not to go there much. When I find myself getting in a panic because my life with Hugh seems like it might have been a dream and I can't remember him as vividly as I want, I hurry to do something that might take my mind in a different direction. I also keep pictures of him everywhere because sometimes I feel like I can't remember what he looked like.

Dear Peg, I am so very sorry. While nothing any of us can say will make it better there is some comfort knowing that so many people here grieve with us when the unthinkable happens.

Its true Lillian - nothing changes your life as much as the death of your partner. The void left by the death of my parents is huge. The void left by my loss of Hugh is greater. Every single aspect of your life is different. Every single day something happens that reminds me again of how alone I am. One example is recently I have made plans to attend my son's graduation from Tech school in the Air Force. I attended his Boot camp graduation with a friend and my daughter-in-law but it was still important to me to attend this second graduation. I asked my sister to travel with me, my daughter-in-law, my sister-in-law, my oldest son. Each had a reason why they couldn't go. All very good reasons, but wow, it really drove home the fact that I am alone. I am not the most important person in anyone's life. Oh, I am important to many people but not THE person who someone else makes plans with, arranges their schedule with, wants to be with more than anyone else. I may be invited to share my children's travels and vacations and I may accept and enjoy myself, but if I have the want to travel somewhere chances are it may not be convenient for anyone. I just kept thinking if Hugh were here we would have booked our trip together and been so excited. Well, I am terrified, I am not looking a bit forward to it but I AM going back to Texas because I WILL see Jeremy graduate from this last phase of his training. He will have at least one family member there to show support. I will remember every single minute that I am so very alone. And as anyone who has lost a partner knows, that is just one small thing. All of the other things that we all take for granted - dinners at the table (I now stand at my counter and eat), someone to share our daily triumphs and sorrows. It is a very lonely life.

Shirley, I feel so sad just reading your post. I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I know it will be a really hard day for you. Your right, I have found that people really think you need to be over it after a few months have passed. It seems more and more often now when I'm with friends or co-workers and not quite myself that they seem like they have lost patience with the whole thing. Its just a certain look you see pass across their face when you say something. It couldn't be plainer if it was a neon sign on their forhead - "Old news, lets move on" I guess unless you live it you can't possibly know how it feels. A family member of mine actually told me once that she thought she would do fine if she had to be alone because she loved to be alone in her computer room or have "alone time" when she got home from work. She honestly didn't understand that being alone that way and being alone my way is TOTALLY different. I'm trying to be more understanding now with people who just can't put themselves in my position. I honestly don't think you can understand how devestating it is if you haven't gone through it - its beyond imagination. That's why here is so good. I will be facing our 25th in June. Tomorrow I will keep you in my thoughts.

Yvonne, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one to this dreadful disease is so painful. This is a wonderful place to talk to people who know what your dealing with.