missyk
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Posts posted by missyk
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This probably is a bit telling about my "deep down" personality (or I'm just a little odd LOL) but I have a few favorites and they all were directed by Quentin Tarantino.
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I was scanning through and found Mom's post and decided to add a postscript to it.
Two months after her post hospice was called back in to help us when her treatments failed. They got all the equipment we might need brought in for her and helped us get it all set up. The nurses aides were exceptional and we never felt a bit "lost" at home.
Within a month of getting her set up and home, though, we began a struggle with her about *where* she wanted to be. With the brain mets starting to effect her cognitive abilities the decision ultimately came down to what my stepfather wanted. He chose to move her to the hospic home where they were able to monitor her better (she had to have video monitoring because they were having a terrible time keeping her in bed and she couldn't stand up on her own anymore! LOL) and where they could make sure her pain was under control.
The staff at the house was absolutely wonderful and became, in the time that Mom was there, to know us by name. When the time came for Mom to pass, they called us all to let us know it was time and we were all able to get to her with plenty of time. The offered and provided pastoral care, a memory book, yarn angels for the grandchildren (including the one I was pregnant with at the time) and were deeply moved at her passing. I guess that surprised me the most...to see tears in *their* eyes, too.
Mom was a HUGE believer in the use of Hospice and I know that because of them, her passing was greatly gentled.
(SueS's daughter)
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Don...
Hoping the new treatment will kick some cancer tushie!!!
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I completely "get" the laundry list of upcoming dates. My parent's anniversary is May 13th (which is also the day Mom was dignosed),and from there they just keep going. This time of year just stinks as far as I'm concerned.
Sending love and comforting thoughts your way,
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Oh no
Sending prayers for Heather and her family. -
I just wanted to chime in with a comment about the single brain met.
I don't know what's available in Italy, but Mom had really good sucess with using stereotactic radiosurgery for her single or double mets. It's extremely focused so it doesn't damage the good brain tissue and can be used numerous times.
Mom did carbo/taxol as first-line chemo. Then she did Tarceva. Then she went to Gemzar (I think that's the right one) and she held stable with the Tarceva for close to a year.
Best of luck to you and your dad. Stop back and keep us up to date on how he's doing!
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I can't watch it again yet...but I'm glad to have the link again. I'm going to save it to my files so I always have it around
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Gail, sorry I'm just finding this.
The gorilla lived at Mom's, too, and, like Randy said, I almost miss the big furry lug now. LOL
Our way around him was sarcasm. Always, always, a joke was at the ready for the moments when we felt like the world was collapsing around us. Don't get me wrong, there were serious talks every so often, and many many many tears...but even after those, there would be someone cracking a joke, we'd all laugh, and things would be "ok" again.
Somehow, in all the sidestepping and avoiding we seemed to be doing, we all got said what we needed to say and we heard what was being said to us. Mom used to get SOOOO irritated with my stepfather because it seemed like he was living in a world all of his own making where everything would be just fine and Mom would beat her cancer. For her, and because of her choices for the rest of us, it was all about buying more time but we all knew what was coming without having to talk about it.
I was surprised, after Mom died, to read the journal she kept during her treatment. Turns out that we really DID communicate better than I thought because all of it matched up with her "private thoughts".
I hope the gorilla gives you all some room for a while.
Sending love,
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Rochelle...
I, too, have a history of depression (and toss in a little depression induced psychosis just to make things fun! LOL)and found myself stuggling to know where to go and what to do after Mom died and then my son was born early and extemely ill.
I actually found help with my family physician. I might be lucky in the aspect that she had time to sit and talk with me whenever I needed to run something by her, plus she put me on a different antidepressant than I was on and added something for anxiety. It has helped tremendously to get some help in navigating my grief process.
So, I guess it was like a counselor and a psychiatrist all rolled into one but I know that if she didn't have time/want to help me herself she'd be more than willing to give me some names that might be able to.
Best of luck to you...I hope you find what you need to help you, too.
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1+9+9+6=25
2+5=7
Oh yeah...that's very "me"! LOL
#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL - 7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is "slow and steady wins the race." They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what is not in the world at large.
Famous 7's - William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana, and Vince Ricciardi
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It's closing in on a year now since Mom died. I'm not "good" but I'm surviving the past year. Things have a way of never coming out quite how I planned or even expected them to and I'm just learning that THAT is my "new normal".
I take blood pressure medicine, antidepressants, and antianxiety medicine.
I quit drinking, cut back my smoking to less than a pack a day (from almost 3 packs...yay me!) and have tried a few times to actually quit (something that terrifies me..but that's another post for another time).
But...I just don't get my family.
My stepdad I can understand. It was his wife and he dealt with losing her in the way I expected him to. He and I talked about every other month or so regularly and in between those times if we needed something or just wanted to talk. We'd laugh, we'd get choked up, we'd laugh some more. It's ok with him.
However my brother and sister...the last remaining part of my biological family...I never see and never talk to. I live 4 miles from my brother and his family and the only time I ever hear from them is if they need a babysitter for their kids. I try to call on a regular basis, trying to set an example of what I'D like from them. It doesn't help.
My sister I've talked to twice since Mom died. Once was when she came to see Xavier at the hosptial. I've just learned that it's ok that I don't LIKE her, I don't have to like her. I do, however, have to either tolerate the things I don't like or just don't deal with her. I've chosen the second option because I just CAN'T tolerate some of the "stuff".
I always thought, said, imagined that we were an extemely close-knit family. We were ALWAYS together doing things, almost every weekend. Now...we just exist in our own lives and don't involve eachother at all. I miss my family. I don't have any close friends that I like to visit with that even live in this state with me so my family was my socialization, too. I'm just confused as to why we're no longer a "family" but now are separate pieces drifting around. Does this happen often or are we unique???
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Well that just stinks!
Not that you're back...but that your family is having to deal with this all again.
And yes...I remember you, too
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There were many times that we all "danced around" how we truely felt. Mom, my stepdad, we kids...all of us. Sometimes it was just too scarey to stare down the mouth of the beast and voice what was there. Other times I felt like I didn't want someone to think that I'd given up hope, so I swallowed all of my own feelings so that I could just keep smiling and being the one who never doubted (at least on the outside) that Mom would beat this.
He knew you, so of course he knew you weren't taking it lightly...he knew.
And we know because most of us have the same thoughts looking back.
((Barb))
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I agree that if your dad is determined to try *something* he might as well find someone who's determined to find a *something* that works for him. I equated my mom finding the right dr as finding a person who, if someone had a knife to her throat, would be willing to step in between her and that person. It's no different. They're fighting for their lives and you WANT someone who's willing to fight just as hard as you are.
Don't be afraid to ask the dr he's working with if HE can refer you to someone else who might have some insight into something to try. The dr's (usually) tend to know some people and are more than willing to give you names if you ask. Mom even found someone willing to cut her grape (head) open to try to cut the cancer out when all the SRS failed. So anything is possible if you're determined.
And I get ya on the faith issue. I had a time, myself, when "faith" wasn't on the top of my list of places to turn because of some long-standing issues with "The Big Man". There's no offense taken by any of us, I'm sure.
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Mitchell...that just cracked me up!! I remember when they were doing my c-section to have the baby, wondering if they'd "find something" while they had me cut open. Amazing how our minds work differently now, huh???
I'm SO glad they have your pain under control and that you're home.
Congratulations on your new "little tummy"!! I can't wait for you to have the greatest of results!
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Gail...
I've not been around much so I've not had the pleasure of meeting you...but I'm around some and I wanted to comment.
I remember the days I used to get so terribly frustrated at Mom...at everyone and anyone...and I remember the guilt I'd feel. I could say "Don't feel guilty" but you will. Just know that we've all been there. It's a long road and sometimes you just get plain old tired and sometimes that makes anyone grumpy. It's ok to feel it.
And, as has been said, lung cancer isn't a punishment for not living a healthy life. It's a terrible disease that strikes where it wants, when it wants.
I'm very glad to hear Hank is feeling better. Hope you will be, too, soon!
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Kelly...
Im going to send you a message with a few more details...but I wanted to share with the board that "mad" is one of the reasons I'm just not around much.
I'm easily frustrated, my feelings get hurt quickly, as someone else said "my b.s. level" is almost nonexistant and that has definately caused some issues. But even more than the "mad" is the "I'm pretty sure I left my brain somewhere back in last May" feeling that takes over sometimes...ok, alot of times. I have absolutely NO ability to concentrate...and THAT makes me mad, too! LOL
As for the pink ribbons...well, the last time I spoke out about my personal feelings on research spending for breast cancer vs lung cancer...I haven't heard from about a dozen "friends" since then. I guess giving my blog the title "Why I Don't Wear Pink" turned a few off; but the written words of "I give where I want and when I want but I don't wear a billboard announcing it like I need a reward for supporting the charity" didn't sit well with the rest.
Oooops...there goes the b.s. meter again!
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You know...
in GRIEF
Me too, Val. Me, too.
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Sabrina caught me giving him coffee one day and thought it would be great fun to catch it on the camera as "proof"! LOL
And, I managed to catch both of them (almost) smiling. Sabrina is such a proud big sister!
Brand new one of me and the little man.
The last picture of Mom, Mother's Day 2007 (Clockwise from bottom left...Mom, Aunt Becca, Bec's girlfriend [her name escapes me right now], Aunt Marie, Sabrina and center is Mom's beloved dog, Barbie. We always joked that the dog was the only thing she ever apologized to)
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Now, we'll just see if I can manage to figure out which HTML to paste in and I'll be all set to share all the pictures I have of the kiddos!!!
We'll try one of the lil man first
and see if I got it right!
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It hit me the other day that Mom's been gone over 9 months. I was just driving down the road, singing a song along with the radio and burst into tears. I've not hurt like that before...just all of the sudden and so deeply. I still tend to hold her death at a distance. It just hurts too badly to let it near me yet. I put on a good show, though. Good enough I even fool myself sometimes.
I never would have thought that this far out it could still feel so close. It feels "wrong" to still hurt so badly...and I don't WANT to still hurt this bad. I just want to be ok with her being gone. But there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I've even started getting jealous of the little white-haired old ladies I see walking around. I never got to see my mom grow old. I only got to see her wither away in front of my eyes.
I'm just frustrated...angry...tired...sad. And I knew I could come here and know you all understand that.
~*~xoxo~*~
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Snuffy!!! I was so excited when we went into Xavier's NICU room one day and the nurses had decorated his crib card with Snuffy stickers! My husband just rolled his eyes at me but I was about in tears...just seemed like *someone* had to have given them a nudge to put those on instead of the more popular characters.
What did you tell your kids (if they're old enough) about the birds n the bees...or if they're still too young, what did your parents tell YOU?
Sending prayers for Heather and her family.
and see if I got it right!
Dad has Lung Cancer
in INTRODUCE YOURSELF!
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Hi Debbie and welcome.
Glad to hear that they have something started to help your dad out with mobility and comfort.
Stage IV isn't an instant death sentence!! There are many treatment options and many on here who've survived and thrived even with that diagnosis.
Let us know how we can help you...that's what we're here for!!