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Everything posted by Carleen

  1. Carleen

    Test results

    Never hesitate to post good news, we all love to share in it. And I truly believe that Good News is contagious, your good news can lead to a rash of good news postings. LOL CONGRATULATIONS BRUCE!!! WOOO HOOO!!!
  2. Lily, Your emotions, thoughts and feelings are not unique and isolated. There are those of us who can tell you from experience that they are 100% the same and normal for the situation you are in. In fact, I remember writing similar postings over the last two years and getting some wonderful, warm and loving advice from you and others telling me that we should not waste our lives, opportunities, and potential happiness in guilt and questions. It is so hard to put it aside. I understand. I still have waves of guilt, not only guilt of feeling somehow like I am betraying the great love I had for Keith, but then also guilt that somehow still holding love for him is short changing Mike. But the truth is, the heart has infinite capacity. We are able to love, and love again without degrading or depleting the prior love. (anyone with children knows this as a fact, you don't love a first child any less for the birth of a new child that miraculously you love just as much). The heart has amazing abilities. And God has amazing mercy and love. I do truly believe that if God, and I'm sure the intervention of Johnny, managed to bring someone into your life that you can find happiness with, that can take away some of the loneliness and pain, then you need to go for it. Johnny would not want you to waste your life in grief, he would want you to be happy. He loved you enough to want you to be spoiled, pampered, loved, and cared for. Sure, if given the choice he'd probably want it to be by himself, but that not being possible he lends a hand and with God's will brings you to another path of happiness. It is hard. The conflicting emotions, the guilt, all of it will be there. And it doesn't go away all together even if you do move forward with a relationship. Like I said waves of emotion will always flow especially at certain dates and times. The key is to be open with a new partner, and to be with someone who understands that sharing your heart is still a great gift. If you ever want to talk, send me a PM. I've been through all those same things and I understand and can listen and relate. Life is short, live it to the fullest every day, and never put off for a single day those things that can enrich our lives and bring joy and goodness. We never know if those opportunities ever come around again, there are no guarantees in life.
  3. Carleen


    This is such sad and terrible news. I am praying fervently for her husband and children, and hope that God comforts them in their pain, and helps them through. I know she is now out of pain, and in a beautiful heavenly relm that we can not even imagine... but still... so not fair.
  4. Congratulations Barb!!! That is so wonderful, and so very inspirational. You ROCK!
  5. Carleen

    A new job

    Congratulations Barb, that is wonderful news!
  6. Strawberries are one of my top 3 favorite things in life, so easy choice: Strawberry Shortcake. But I would have to agree with Lily, if there was a choice for Cheesecake that would have won out, especially cheesecake with Strawberry topping. mmmmmm I would also have to agree somewhat with the personality profile. I am a very romantic person, sometimes to an annoying fault, as people often tell me that I live by romantic notions and ideals and do not live in reality. I am very emotional, but I do care about others, for most people even more than myself.
  7. Lily, I think everything you are feeling is truly normal when you've lost someone who you truly love. I could have written every single word there myself. One of my biggest fears is that I am forgetting. My memory always was great, but in the past few years I find that I struggle to remember even the simplest of things. It takes so much more effort to recall all the details I want to remember, and I truly wish to remember every detail down to every hair, every smile, every moment. But I'm finding that is impossible now. And somehow I do seem to equate that forgetting and that struggle with my healing and happiness. I sometimes feel that with greater periods of time where I'm feeling happy and content, I'm forgetting more. So in exchange I hold onto a bit of my sorrow and grief, refusing to let it go because to let it go, feels like I am letting him go. He is gone, but I hold on to whatever I can as if it will help me feel connected. I have a facebook account and I had posted just a week ago that "I hold onto my pain as a treasured and cherished gift, I refuse to let my heart heal and have encased the pain in stone so it never leaves. Its all I have left." I know it is probably not what most people would say is the healthiest outlook, or what psychologists would be satisfied with, but it is my true and real emotions. And I think it's normal. I think that many people out there who have lost the loves of their lives hold onto everything and anything to keep them in our lives, even if that thing is the pain of their loss.
  8. I think I am most like Dana. I don't know what I actively do to obtain inner peace other than when life has sunk me to the deepest valleys, I put my head down and start walking the steep incline up, because there is no other option. And somehow miraculously after a while, if I can stay away from the back sliding of self pity, then eventually it gets to a point where the walk isn't so steep. It's always going to be a journey and now a harder walk than life once was, but the path does ease as you move further along.
  9. Welcome June. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost my soulmate, best friend and husband. I think it is truly wonderful and beautiful the way you are honoring him and your love for each other by continuing the fight against that horrible disease. Please come back and let us know how the walk went and how you are doing. God Bless you!
  10. Cyndy, I am so sorry to hear that this horid disease is back in your lives. Cancer SUCKS so much, it seems so undiscriminating. It's just not fair for anyone, much less someone so young. I am saying prayers for your son-in -law and family.
  11. Oh Kristi, I am so very sorry. It sounds like your family gave him a beautiful tribute and that he truly now is at peace and comforted. I know how hard it is to go through this. I same saying prayers for you, your mom and whole family that God grant you comfort during this difficult times. Come back if you need to talk, vent, remember and grieve. I found that after losing my husband, one of the things that helped me the most was coming online and sharing with others all the things that made him wonderful, all the funny memories and reasons he was special. It helped me feel like him and his memory was living on. There are many of us here who not only come to support those living with, and surviving cancer, but those of us who need the friendship and support after losing the ones we love to cancer. Please come back and post and tell us more about your wonderful dad. God Bless you!
  12. Thanks guys! I know I can always count on you to lift me up when my spirits start to plummet. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow, but am hoping it will be a good day filled with warm memories. It's ironic, but sometimes the good and happy memories are the ones that hurt me the most because those remind me of what I'm missing. However, as things turn out, tomorrow should be a really busy day, and I've been reminded by some greater power that I need to stop feeling so bad, and having these pity parties, and instead focus on others and what I can do to help those less fortunate. I was called today by a good friend (actually my maid of honor), who needs my help tomorrow. As it turns out, she is in an abusive relationship which she has kept hidden mostly from her friends and family. But she has had enough and she has asked me to gather some friends and come get her out. So tomorrow will be stealth maneuvers and lots of active, expediant work such that I probably won't have much time to think at all, much less time to feel sorry for myself. Athough it's not a good situation, I believe it is God's way of showing me that I don't have things that bad, and that I need to stop pushing myself down but instead be strong so in turn I can be strong for and help others. I know it isn't cancer related, but if you find some time in your prayer schedules today, please say some for my friend Dawn and her kids. She has a 15 year old son and an 18 month old daughter. She could use prayers for a safe escape, and prayers that God grant her some comfort and help her in reestablishing herself, finding a job, residence and support.
  13. I've never had a lot of friends, but the few I have had are great friends, quality friends, and ones that I would never hope to lose. I have three close friends that I keep in touch with often. My BFF from High School and I sort of lost touch while in college. But about 10 years ago we reconnected and now we talk to each other every week. We try to get together ever few weeks, and when we do it's like we are 16 again and nothing has changed and we just have fun. My childhood BFF used to be my neighbor in elementary school. We've known each other, and been friends for 34 years (since 2nd grade). We've keep close and really look out for each other. We've worked together and tried to bring the other with us whenever we've changed jobs so we have spent the best part of the past 15 years seeing each other daily. Just like back in the old school days, I can't imagine life without her support and friendship as part of my daily life. My third BFF I met while in college and working bartending. What started out as a party friend became a relationship where we were always there for each other no matter what. If that meant holding each other's hair while we puked, or crying over Sara Lee frozen cheese cake when a boyfriend broke our hearts. We talk almost daily, and try to get together at least once a month (hard since we live 3 hours apart now). We met 17 years ago, but feel like we've been friends our whole lives. We call each other Sista, cuz we couldn't be any closer if we were born together.
  14. September always used to be our favorite time of year. Keith and I both loved the fall, the changing of the leaves, the weather turning perfectly not too warm and humid, not cold. And most importantly his birthday. September 14th Keith would have turned 38. Now, I am just trying to hold myself up and make it through this month. I miss him so much. He was truly the most amazing person I ever met. He had such a fire and light inside him. Have you ever met a person who just lite up a room just by being there. He had such energy, such a great sense of humor. People gravitated to him naturally as he had a drawing presence. It was impossible to not notice and admire him. He was such fun, he was also such a caring and good man. All rolled into one handsome package. I am consumed with self pity for all the things I'm missing out on. I'm missing out on the celebration we should have had. I'm missing out on the child like, innocent exuberance for birthdays that he exuded. I'm just plain old missing him. I wish I could relive just one more day with him. I wish I could have one more birthday. Because of our love of this time of year, we also married in September. Our anniversary is coming up on the 25th. So I am waiting here in anxiety and tension waiting for that blade to drop. September just SUCKS! I LOVE YOU KEITH! Happy Birthday, and I hope you are showing those angels up there a wild and fun time as only you can.
  15. I am also usually very busy, and over scheduled so the opportunity for boredom is pretty low. However, I also think that I have a low threshold for excitment. I don't really ever feel bored, I've had times where I find I've spent a good deal of time doing nothing but sitting around planning things in my head, and I'm perfectly happy. It doesn't take much. Otherwise if I do feel a bit ansy like I have too much energy and not enough activity I have one of two options. If my husband is home, there is always the option for "romance". That will break any boredom. If he isn't then I'll take the dogs outside to play (not exactly as exciting, but oh well).
  16. Thanks Katie, I've marked it on my Work calander and blocked it off from any scheduled meetings. I'm all set!
  17. Carleen


    That represents me doing the HAPPY DANCE!!! YEAH LILLY!!! That is such WONDERFUL news!
  18. Hi Barb, I don't have any experience with blood clots, but my husband was on Lovenox for his SVC syndrome and swelling in his limbs. He did not miss a single chemo treatment while on it. I'll keep you and Bill both in my prayers that the Lovanox zaps those clots and that it doesn't delay any of his treatments. Take Care
  19. I'm in complete agreement with you Katie. I've been so uplifted lately by all this good news. I've prayed for so long for a cure, for success and health of all the members here. And it just renews my faith and hope to hear a string of good news like this. Maybe its a sign that we are starting to win the battles. And maybe before too long, we can win this war.
  20. Hello and Welcome I am glad you joined us, and also very happy to read about your remission and survivorship. We have a fantastic group of very caring, supportive, knowledgeable and plain ole fun people here... but we can always use more! I look forward to getting to know a bit more about you.
  21. Carleen

    Final chemo

    Wow, so much good news on the forum lately. I can't tell you how happy your news, and all the good news here is making me. YEAH DONNY!!!!!
  22. Congratulations!!! That is such great news! I am so happy for you, and can't wait to join the celebratory drink. I'll whipped up a little something in the blender with a festive umbrella in honor of you tonight.
  23. Carleen


    I am saying lots and lots of prayers for you tonight Lily. I can't wait to see your posts on Friday, and know that the procedure and the fear are behind you.
  24. Judy that is such GREAT news!!!! YEAH!!!!! I am truly so very happy for you.
  25. Carleen

    CT scan update

    Michelle, it is so normal to feel this way. You just got great news (which by the way WOO HOO, congratulations). I remember when we got good news I would feel so happy, then all of a sudden as a few days passed and the celebration would ease down, I wouldn't return to a normal mode, I would actually sink a bit low. I would think all sorts of things including guilt for feeling so happy when my husband still had cancer. I would think things like, good news now but what about next time. What is this next treament going to result in, how long can we keep the good news going. It is normal to think and feel that way, but please try and remember to live for today. Be grateful for the things today. Celebrate the up sides as they truly do deserve joy and celebration. And do not borrow troubles from tomorrow. Do not let the thoughts of "what if" cloud and take away the happiness you've fought so long and hard to earn. With this journey there will be plenty of times we will feel down, plenty of times we will be scared and feeling battered. But this is not one of those times. Live for this moment. Stay in this moment as long as you can, until the time that something forces you out of it. And hopefully this moment of joy and happiness will continue on and on. Hopefully these great results are followed by more great results and then more. But if a time comes when the news is not so good, then by living in this joyous moment you will be able to look back and regret nothing becuase you did not waste a single precious moment in anxiety but enjoyed each second together. I keep you in my prayers always. Smile, you have WONDERFUL news!!!
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