Carleen

Hi Bobby, I do remember you, you joined shortly after I lost my husband. I remember all your wonderful loving support for your sister as well as members here. Thank you for stopping in and letting us know you are doing ok. And thank you for the warm wishes. I hope the same things for you. I know you still suffer the grief of losing your sis, but I wish for you the absolute best that can be in light of present circumstances. I wish for you warm and happy memories, laughter, smiles and the comfort of God's grace. Warm hugs Carleen

I am so very sorry. Please know that I am sending prayers and warm comfy thoughts for you, Stan and the whole family.

Absolutely Fantastic news! Way to ROCK IT Tom!!!! WOOO HOOO

(((Ginny)))) I am so sorry honey. I too remember the Duke updates and find it so hard to believe it was 5 years ago. It seems like just yesterday. I am sending you lots and lots of love, prayers and warm wishes that today is filled with warm and comforting memories. I know you miss him and will love him always. Just as I know he misses and loves you always too.

Susan that is such a wonderful post. I am so glad your mom is feeling a bit better and will get the time to strength up a bit more before going forward with treatement. And it is just so sweet and awesome that you were able to go spend the weekend with her. I'm sure it was one of the happiest surprises your mom received. What a beautiful bond you two have.

It depends on the restaurant. Mike and I go to one that is pretty well known for their ribs, so I always order ribs there. I've never tried anything else. However going to other restaurants I usually try to order different things on occassion. I would say that 75% of the time I order the same thing, but every so often I'll change it up. It especially helps if I was able to try something from Mike's plate previously. He always orders something new each time and will let me taste. I'm very very picky when it comes to food and eat a very limited menu, so it helps to know ahead of time if I like it. I don't want to spend money, and still leave a restaurant hungry because I was adventurous and ordered something I didn't like.

Hi Alyssa, I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain you are now suffering. I will not tell you it goes away or gets easier. I'm 37 months and 19 days out from losing my husband, and I hurt just as deeply and painfully as ever. What does happen is I've learned how to function around the pain. I've learned how to go forward every day, doing the best I can in honor of what he has taught me, and in honor of all he's been and given for me in our lives. Functioning, living, and taking one baby step at a time is what gets easier. But the pain, the loss, that will never get easier. How can it? We are left with a hole in our lives that can never be filled. I do know what you mean though about the standard comments people make after a loss like this. People mean so well, but they just don't know what to say. I remember for months after the funeral every time someone talked to me, they'd ask how I'm doing, and I'd cringe. I would stand there not knowing how to answer that, and I wanted to scream "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? I JUST LOST MY ENTIRE WORLD AND ONLY REASON FOR LIVING!" A good friend from this site made me a t-shirt that I used to wear often when going out that was a quote I once made on here it said "I'm doing shi+ty, thanks for asking". It helped a lot, and really stopped some of the canned comments. What I pray for you is that you have more moments of peace, acceptance and knowledge of your mom's continued presence. I pray every day, and wait always for some sort of sign that my husband is still with me, or at least is ok where ever he is. So far I've had no signs, and that lack of connection causes me so much pain and loneliness. I can only imagine the comfort that the reassurance of her presence is. I pray that you experience this many times over and always know she is with you. Thank you for sharing your experience. Just knowing that it does happen for others keeps me hopeful and I still wait, knowing that our love was strong enough where if and when he can, he will come. I won't give up hope, because I see from others that it is possible. God Bless you. (((Alyssa)))

It's amazing how fast the time goes, and at the same time how it seems it crawls without the people we love here with us. I find there are times I think about what it would be like if they were with us, and it seems like so long ago that we were together and I get sad, then other times something will happen and I have to catch myself in the middle of dialing his phone to tell him. It seems like they were just here. Funny how time works like that. I too am sorry that its been two years. I'm sorry you have to even know the pain of being without your mom. I also agree with everyone before me who posted. It is really a blessing that your dad has someone in his life to help him through this new journey of his, who also seems to understand how truly special your mom was and does not try to diminish that or is jealous of it. Someone who can provide love and caring, but at the same time nuture the love that was there before. I too believe that the people we've loved and lost can play a big role in advocating for their loved ones in bringing them together with others who will be supportive and healing to them. And I also agree, your mom was very beautiful, physically very pretty, but from what I remember of posts Ive read from you in the past, just a beautiful woman inside as well. You look a lot like her too in your picture from the wedding. I know your mom is with you, and so very proud of you and her grandkids, and whole family. Grief is a rough road to travel, and can often tear people apart, and your family seems to being living a life your mom would be so proud of. You are doing the best you can, and holding the family together and sharing love together. It's beautiful. God Bless you, and I hope you are comforted and surrounded by warm and happy memories at this anniversary time.

WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!! That is wonderful! I am so happy for you mom. It appears like we've had a few postings of good news on here lately. I can't express how happy and hopeful that makes me. I pray every day for an end to this disease. Lets keep the good news coming....

My thoughts and prayers are with her family, and with all the cyberfamily here who loved her. This is just such sad news. Bucky was such a warm ray of sunshine with a really wonderful personality and wit. She will truly be missed. God has welcomed home a beautiful angel to his fold. Find rest and comfort in God's loving embrace dear Bucky.

Welcome Joy, I see you've already received so much wonderful advice and support, so I would just like to add my prayers and warm hugs to you. I can't say exactly how it feels to receive the news you have, and how to go forward since I was the caregiver. It always amazes me, impresses me, and teaches me immeasurably when I see the true courage, strength and beautiful spirit displayed by so many people here as they go through this journey. What I can say is that you don't have to do this alone. You've found a group of people who are not only vastly knowledgeable on treatments, sides effects, alternative treatments, and many medical issues, but are experienced in the emotions, the fear, the anxiety, the gratitude, love and support that comes with this diagnosis. We are here for you, whatever you are feeling, whatever you are needing. Come here to vent, cry, scream and say anything you need to get off your chest. We will listen and support without judgement. We actually understand and know it is all normal. Come here to celebrate good test results, and rejoice in lifes milestones and just plain old good days. The people here can help make them brighter. This is a frightening path to be on, but you now have the thoughts, prayers and support of hundreds of true friends. How do you move forward? You fight forward because there is not an acceptable alternative, and you accept all the help, support and love that is offered. It often helps people to be able to help others. Let us help, let your family help, let friends help. Everyone will feel better for feeling like they are contributing to the fight. And with this much support, the battle can be won. You can win this. It's been done before, even with being given poor prognosis'. There are those here that are great examples of that such as ConnieB. 14 years... WOW. You too can be a great example for someone else down the road. Keep your hope, and your optimism strong. They will help you battle this beast down. Don't let it win before the war has even begun by robbing you of your hope. God Bless you Joy, and you are now in my daily prayers. Through prayer all things are possible. (I wish I could do more, like invent the cure for cancer, but for now this is my best weapon)

I have just been introduced to a new definition of HOT. I'm in Monterrey Mexico this week for work. It's been between 105 and 110 every day, with 80-90% humidity. Us Wisconsin girls are not used to this kind of heat. I am so grateful I over packed so I can change clothes immediately after work to put on dry ones. Monterrey is a large city (3rd largest in Mexico), and there is a lot of cars and industry here, and it is nestled between two mountains on either side of the city, so it also seems very hazy and smoggy here. But the mountains are beautiful. The people are so nice, kind and polite. The food is amazing, but I'm wracked with guilt upon eating it because I'm supposed to be dieting. But then again, I need the comfort foods. I just really can't wait to get home. I traveled all the way down here because the plants thought they would need my assistance dealing with an audit, but it turns out the auditors refuse to use my assistance because they want to have the illusion of independence, and the staff are not using me either because they are too busy responding to the auditors. So, I'm here for a week with nothing to do but sit and try and look busy. I'm SO bored. The time is just crawling, and I just want to go home and be with my family. I've got an appointment with a dr when I get back to get a script for lexapro again. I've been off anti-depressants for about 2 years, but lately I just can't kick this depression and heavy hearted feeling. So it makes it extra hard to be away from home, family and all my friends. I think tonight is going to end with a big tub of Helados (ice cream). TO HELL WITH THE DIET!

Congratulations! 2 years, and many more to come. Thanks for coming and sharing, and letting us all join in the happy celebrations.

I am so sorry Caren. These marker dates are so hard. I will keep you in prayers today that you find some peace and gentleness today. That the day be filled with as more warm and good memories of your dad then there are tears shed in the missing of him.

I'm sorry I'm not much help either. I only recognize one of the terms from experience which was the Portal Vein patent. When my hubby has SVC it was because a tumor was compressing a blood vessel causing fluid back up in his arm. When we received various reports checking other blood vessels we had that term throughout, and it's a good thing. Patent means clear and unblocked. So #4 means his portal vein is unobstructed. The rest of the results I could guess at, but I don't think that would be the best thing to do. I wish I had more I could help with. But I guess the best help I can offer is my continued prayers. You and your husband are always in my prayers. God bless you! Carleen

Thank you everyone. It helps just knowing people understand and know what I'm feeling and remembers how wonderful a love we had.

(((Shirley))) Thank you for coming and sharing such strong words of love and remembrance. I know how difficult and simultaneously sweet those memories can be. Your words brought me to tears. Tonight I drink a toast to Randy, and say Happy Birthday. I imagine the celebration in heaven is awesome, choirs of angels singing happy birthday, cake so delicious there is nothing like it here, and gifts greater than we can dream.

The things that I find most annoying can generally be classified as being disrespectful and inconsiderate. I absolutely hate dealing with people that are ego-centric. This encompasses a lot of behavior. It's as Lily mentioned, people who talk over others, because usually they feel their thoughts are more important than what was being said, or they just don't care to listen. It's people who step right in front of you, or actually run right into you because they can't be aware enough of anyone else around them but themselves. It's people who talk so loudly and raucously in public places, because obviously no one else's enjoyment is as important as theirs. It's people who drive like idiots because they are in a hurry, never mind the other people they are screwing over in the process. It's people who say "what's on their mind" regardless of the feelings and opinions of the others around them. What happened to empathy, what happened to respect for others, what happened to consideration in this society. I think we now live in the rudest, most selfish "me generation" ever. In most aspects of life I can see decisions made based off nothing more than "I want" and "feels good to me, or is right for me" not what is best for all, what is right, what is moral. But even in the midst of this selfish society, I can't be a half glass empty person, because I still see some of the most beautiful people, the most selfless acts, the best of people. (a lot of them right here on this site).

Hi Renate, I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. Boy what a crazy journey you've been on, and all because of the medication that was supposed to be helping you. I am so happy things are looking brighter for you. When my husband had his radiation he did have fatigue, but he did not experience it nearly as severely as when he was on chemo. His biggest complaint was when they radiated a spot that was close to his esophagus. It causes a pretty bad sore throat and he had difficulty swallowing. For that we made him up a potion called Magic Mouthwash, which seemed to help him quite a bit. I don't recall the recipe anymore, as it's been a while. I think you can actually buy it somewhere premade, otherwise I think there may be others on here who have the recipe, as this is where I got it from. (Thanks guys) The other issue he experienced was later in the radiation cycle. The continued radiation to a set spot caused redness and dryness to the skin, sort of like a sunburn. For that we got him a really really good moisturizing lotion and I also applied aloe, just like I would for a sun burn. I hope the radiation does amazing things for you with minimal to no side effects. God Bless you!

It's been over 3 years since I lost Keith, and I know that most people expect that I am fairly healed. And I am doing ok, most of the time, and on outward appearances most people wouldn't guess I'm still grieving. But lately I have been in such a dark place. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard and after so long. I feel like there is a giant weight sitting on my chest all the time. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. I'm on the edge of tears every moment of the day, and I find myself excusing myself to a private place at least a few times each day to go and cry. I miss him so much. I'm so completely aware that it's been 3+ years because it seems so long since I heard his voice saying I love you, so long since I touched his hair, so long since I held his hand, felt his lips on mine, so long since I last felt what it was like to be radiantly in love. (I mean no slight to my current husband, whom I love, but it is completely different) I miss my Keith, my best friend, my soul mate, my love. There was nobody like him, and there will never be again. I miss having my world revolve completely around each other, and both of us being dizzy and deliriously happy in that. I miss who I was. I've changed so much since those days, and in most ways I don't necessarily like who I am now. Gone is the carefree, optimistic, joyful girl I once was. I laugh, I have happiness and good times, but my ups are no longer as high as they once were, and my lows are much deeper. I depress myself, and being always in this state I bore myself. I can't imagine others are remotely interested in hearing me talk about it still after all this time; they are bored with me too. I miss Keith. God I love him so much still. I've seen other people posting on here, asking when the pain ends. Asking if it ever goes away. usually these people are new to the grief journey, and I try and be supportive and tell them it gets easier in time. But I don't know anymore. I hurt as much now as I did then. From my experience I have to say no, it never goes away. It's more like intermittent thunderstorms. Sometimes it's just grey out and overcast, like a sort of tension waiting to strike, and sometimes the sun breaks through and can even hang around for a long while, but then storms come and they are as powerful, frightening and fierce as ever. I just need to learn how to survive the storm until the sun breaks through again. I'm sure it will, but for now I'm scared, sad and feeling so incredibly alone. After 3 years, I'm still waiting for him to give me a sign, come to me in a dream, anything to let me know he's ok, and still with me so this loneliness will be comforted. I miss him so much. I just need one more moment, whatever it may be. Sorry for whining, but I know you all understand and have also been there too.

I'm saying my prayers for Viv that all goes well, that the procedure be painless and with a quick recovery. And that the outcome be a complete success. (((VIV))) (((DENISE)))

Tova, So glad your mom is doing well with the radiation and with minimal side effects. Is your mom on decadron or other steriod for any of the fluid or swelling from the WBR. I know Keith really got a lot of relief from the headaches when he was doing radiation from taking decadron. Your weekend sounds amazing. And congratulations on joining the cause of advocacy. There is such a great need for more people to advocate and raise awareness, funding, and lessen the stigma. Good for you!!! I hope when you and your mom go next year it will be an even greater success and just as magical of an experience.

(((Peggy))) I'm sending you warm hugs and lots and lots of love. I know how hard this time can be, but also the warmth that can come from remembering. I'm hoping you and your family can feel the loving arms of God around you during this difficult time.

Hi Larry, welcome back. I'm glad you chose to stop in and let us know you are doing ok, and that life is going on. I'm sorry cancer continues to stick it's ugly head in your life and remind you that it's still there. I understand how after going through this, it become much more obvious. I don't know if I was just blind to it before and now I see, or if things have gotten worse over the years. I've now lost 4 family members to cancer, and know so many others that have one form or another. Including many young people. it's just so sad. I can't wait until we find that cure that they've been promising us for the past decade. I'm also glad you have a special lady friend. I know that Alyce is always in your heart, but it's good to know that affection and caring still continues on in your life. I've always thought that the heart has an amazing capacity to love. When we love more people, we don't deplete the love we had originally. It just keeps expanding. I hope your days from here on out are filled with joy, laughter and love. God Bless!

Boy that's a hard one. I'm not Ernie (too needy) or Bert (too cynical and jaded), Not even Cookie Monster (I don't like cookies, even though I can understand the food addiction, I too love food. Just not cookies), Kermit is always the leader and people rely on him (not me), Not Grover (too silly and innocent), And I just don't relate to big bird either (just doesn't seem to have any direction or purpose). I guess I've always related to Miss Piggy.... always on the quest for love.