Carleen

Kasey, you and Fred have always been in my prayers, and today I add Tracy to them. I pray our dear Father watch over her and your entire family. God Bless you!

I know how hard it is to hit these special dates and not let them overtake you. I'm sure Alan would be so very proud of you, not only for attending the fashion show and supporting such a wonderful cause, even though it must have been very hard. But also for honoring him and his love for you by moving forward and taking new adventures as he would have wanted. It is a hard thing to do, and takes a lot of strength and courage. You are an amazing woman! Bravo! I'm sending you cyber hugs and prayers that you be wrapped in comfort and support, and that your days be gentle. God Bless you!

Today is the 3rd anniversay of my beloved Keith's angel date. I miss him and hurt as if it was just yesterday that he left me. But at the same time, it feels like it has been eons since I saw his face, held his hand, kissed his lips. I find my memories fading, probably a side effect of age, but also a coping mechanism from the pain. But I hope to not forget. I try imagining the sound of his voice and his laughter. I picture his smile, his hands in mine, his beautiful warm brown eyes. I love him still so much, it does not diminish in time and isn't replaced with the new turns and additions in my life. I miss Keith so much! There are over a million reasons, and a million things about him that I miss every day. Keith had the strangest sense of humor. He was truly unique, twisted, dry and sarcastic and hilarious. The 12 years we were together were filled with laughter. He could make me smile and laugh no matter what. I miss his humor. I miss his goofy faces he'd make at me for no reason, I miss hearing his incredible, detailed and bizzare stories about things that never happened. I miss his music about pirates and apes. I miss his boyish excitment and love for toys and the simple things in life. Keith was a great friend. He was the only person I've known who could remain close intimate friends with every person he met from kindergarten on. I barely can maintain friendships with the 2-3 people who were my best friends from high school, but he communicated regularly and stayed in the lives of 30-40 of his "closest friends". He loved them all, and would do anything for them. I have never seen someone who loved so many people, and was in turn loved so much. I really admired that about him. He truly was a great friend, and he was my best friend. Keith was the center of my universe; my sun. He warmed me with his smile. His radiant and positive attitude nurshished me and inspired me to grow as a person. The fire of his love burned through my soul. I never once doubted that he loved me more than anything, anyone, ever; unconditionally. I was everything to him and he was my everything. No matter my weight, exhaustion, or even first thing in the morning, he was blind to any flaws and thought I was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. He was open about his feelings, he never held anything back and would tell me how much he loved me often and in many ways. He loved me completely. I loved him completely. I still do. Memories I see vividly still are: 1. The way he looked at me as I walked down the aisle on our wedding day. 2. The Halloween party at our first apartment, when he dressed up like Zena Warrior Princess and jammed on the drums in the basement shop. 3. The way he looked lying in the sun pool side in Mexico, our last trip right before diagnosis. (one of the last truly carefree happy times that wasn't a bitter sweet happiness). 4. Walking down Bourbon street in New Orleans, Keith trying to get beads by flashing people (mostly other men LOL) 5. The first time he drove his Superbee again after I had it fixed for his birthday. He was so excited and like a little boy. He talked about that for months. 6. Making out under the fireworks at the New Berlin Fourth of July festival 7. the smell of his hair and skin and the feel of his skin as I snuggled next to him as we fell asleep each night. 8. The way he would flash me sign language for "I really love you" whenever we were out in public so he could do PDA's without people knowing. 9. Just how amazingly passionate, engrossed, and beautiful he looked when he played his drums. There are so many of them that I could write them all day. I have a million memories all of them beautiful, all wonderful, and all uniquely Keith. I think there is one for every tear I cry missing him. In the past 3 years my life has turned and twisted in ways that were unimaginable to me. The first year after his death I changed jobs 3 times, ending up in a job that has me traveling the world 75% of the time. It's exciting, but I miss being home. I miss the time and contact with my family and friends. Recently I remarried. A friend of Keith's from childhood unexpectedly became the friend and support I needed after Keith's death. He was there for me whenever I needed strength. He became my closest friend. And after battling through the grief, guilt, and even shame that I felt, we found a quiet and gentle love for each other that understands me, strengthens me and comforts me. I'm so lucky, and truly believe that Keith played a hand in the match, as without him I would never in a million years have imagined being with Mike. And even more recently I've become the mother to 2 children. Three weeks ago I received a placement in my home for foster children, a 6 year old girl and 6 month old boy. They need me, and I need them. I have prayed and wished for children in my life, for the opportunity to love back unconditionally as I've been loved, to give without expectation of receiving as was once given to me. My life is full, and there is so much to be grateful for. Yet today, and every day, I miss Keith still. I love Keith still. But that's ok. I know he loves me too. So on this 3 year milestone, for my Angel, my guardian, my Love, Keith, until we are together again in heaven..... I love you, Always and Forever! -Carleen

Hello friends, It's been a long time since my last post, and between posts. Believe it or not, but I've had such a loss of words on how to update all of you on how I'm doing. It's strange because I know that you all will understand me more so than most other people. But I don't know how to understand my life myself much less define how I am doing to others. I honestly don't know if I'm doing good or not. It really depends on the day, the hour, even the minute. It's been 17 months now since Keith passed. I miss him so much still. Just saying his name in my head brings me to uncontrollable tears. Most days I just go about my routine and go to work, go home, take care of the pets, go to bed. And those days I think I'm doing ok. I'm able to live and sometimes even smile and forget. Then in an instant it's like he just left me and I'm in agony. It's been over a year, and so much has changed in my life, I've changed jobs twice, I've gotten a dog, I've lost weight, and still so much is the same. In all this time, I haven't changed a thing in the house. His things are where he left them waiting for him to come home. The main thing is that in all this time, I still love him so much and that hasn't changed even a little. It seems with every step forward there is a half step back. I miss Keith so much! I used to go to the cemetary every day, I've been forced by my new job to do that a lot less since I travel about 2 weeks every month, and I find that its ok. I think that its a step for me to realize that I bring Keith with me wherever I am, not just the cemetary, but the down side is that I'm now being criticized by family for not keeping his grave site as perfectly tended as before. I've made changes to try and manage to keep the house that we built together, but it's so hard to maintain this house and all the yard and things needed for a house all alone. The biggest change I think I've tried to move on is that I've actually accepted invitations to go on a date with someone. I'm luck that someone out there is so understanding of me and Keith, patient and willing to let me love Keith without jealousy and fear. He actually was one of Keith's friends, so he loved Keith too. But the down side is the guilt I feel, and the fear that others view it differently than it is, as if I am over Keith, or that I didn't love him as much as I did/do. I'm just so lonely and it is so nice to spend time with someone who understands and makes me smile even a little and who likes me just the way I am unconditionally and is willing to wait for me and go slow. But I still pray every day for some sign that Keith is with me. I pray every night to see him in my dreams, to hear his voice one last time, to see those eyes, hold him in my arms and be told how much he loved me and tell him how I truly loved him. I've had no sign from him, and I am so empty without him. I don't know what to say, what to feel, what to think anymore. I am taking it one day at a time, and trying to stay strong today and to stay hopeful that tomorrow will be a good day. Its the best I can do. My new normal is abnormality. People say that things are is not black and white but shades of gray. My life is a little like that in that it is not the beautiful world of bright light and wonderment that it was before, and I'm beginning to break out of the bleak world of absolute darkness and blackness that has been since he passed, but it is now about 400 shades of craziness. Basically the roller coaster ride that is LC continues. I am here. I am surviving. I'm probably not ok, but maybe I will be someday. I miss you all here and keep you in my prayers always. I visit the site periodically and keep current with people and prayers, but just don't have the strength to write much anymore. Please know that I still love you all.

No real advice other than to say be kind to yourself and do not feel bad for whatever you feel this Christmas. It is such a rough time without our loved ones. Last Christmas I wished more than anything I could have just crawled into bed and woke up some time in January. We had a tradition where each year we were together Keith would pick the color theme for our tree and decorations and I'd go buy all the ornaments and lights and decorate the whole house in his theme colors. The first Xmas after he passed I refused to even acknowledge it was christmas, no lights, no stockings, nothing. A week before the holiday my family all came over and decorated my house with new colors and put up a tree. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, and didn't even take it down and put the things away until almost April. Some people might criticize me for being in denial, but I refuse to listen to that. I do what I do to get through each situation with whatever sanity I can retain. I know that Keith would want me to be happy, but I also know he'd be so patient and understanding with me and would allow me anything I needed to heal. This year, I think I may be doing a little better. I plan on decorating, and I'm choosing his favorite colors to honor him. I'm doing some of the things we used to do together, but changing them up a bit to make new traditions but ones that still honor his memory and our love. I wish you peace and God's blessings this holiday season. I hope it goes by gently for you.

Hi! I'm Carleen I'm from Milwaukee WI,where I was born and have lived my whole life. I currently work as an auditor, but I'm rethinking that. I'd love to find a job in Marketing, have the degree but no experience. so that may take some time. I don't have any children, but I have a wonderful close family that includes 10 nieces whom I adore. I have one adorable black cat, and I adopted a 3 year old doberman from a rescue organization almost a year ago, who I love despite his stubborn drive to ignore all training and destroy my home and all the things in it. I lost my beloved husband and soulmate Keith June 29th, 2006 at the age of 34 after a 3 1/2 year courageous and valliant battle with atypical carcinoid LC. I still love him with all my heart and soul and I miss him so much. Always and Forever!

It depends on the day of the week. During the weekdays, my first smile probably comes later when I get my first morning breaks. Being on a diet forever, I look forward to those small moments when I'm allowed to treat myself to a snack. On weekends the smiles come early when I wake up and realize that I can roll over and sleep just a while longer. I really am not a morning person at all.

Debi I am so very sorry. My heart aches so much reading this and I know the love you both shared and the grief you must be feeling. Tony was such a strong warrior, and you were the source of his strength and the center of his heart. I know now that he resides at the center of yours for all eternity. I pray that God bring you strength, peace and comfort in the coming days. And until such a time as you feel your strength and find your world again I will be sending you my love and prayers. Love you dear Carleen

The important thing is peace of mind. I think if this is causing you concern and you are frightened by the "what if" then I suggest you go and request a chest x-ray. Often if you go to a doctor and just tell them the symptoms, especially when you are only 39, they go with the most common diagnosis' such as allergies or pneumonia; things that are diagnosed without lab testing. In most doctor's minds, you are too young to worry about such things and add to that you are only a social smoker, you are not the high risk person. So, you need to take control of your medical destiny and actually request what you want, otherwise they will not suggest it. My husband was only 31 at diagnosis and he didn't smoke. He went in to the ER with chest pains and was initially diagnosed with pneumonia. It was a diligent primary care doctor that he saw on follow up that actually diagnosed him. He did not have a cough, and the doctor could hear just from using the stethoscope that his lungs were not clear (which is what the ER assumed was fluid and pneumonia, but which actually turned out to be tumors). Every person is different, and there is no way to say that you have a persistant cough and smoke therefore you could have cancer. On the other hand there is nothing to say that you don't. Cancer actually exhibits very few symptoms usually until it is quite advanced. So, if it is something you are worried about, the best advice I can give you for your physical health and your mental health is to get tested. I will say a prayer tonight for you that this cough of yours is seasonal allergies and hayfever or a cold virus hangin' on there and nothing more. God Bless you!

Bobby I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible right now. I remember so well the days and weeks of tears without end. I still sometimes have them, but thankfully there are breaks now. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. You love your sister so much that it is understandable that you are grieving. I was a bit like Katie, for me the shower and the car were my times to let all the tears flow. I can barely remember taking a shower for over 3 years that didn't include tears. I used to laugh that my husband would notice that my eyes were so red and swollen after each shower and think I was allergic to soap. He never mentioned that he noticed, but I'm sure he did. It helps to just let it out. Nothing is gained by trying to bottle it up and hold it in. I think that sometimes makes it boil up and overflow even more sometimes. There were times where it was worse than others, I'd walk for days with tears streaming down my face 24/7. What I found so helpful was Lexapro. Yes, drugs! They aren't the solution to everything, and they didn't make the tears dry up. But they helped me be able to control them to the point where most times I could get to a safe place to let it all out instead of the spontaneous combustion that used to happen. Another thing that helped was finding a way to channel all those pent up emotions and let them out in other ways than tears. I decided I was going to get angry with cancer. I was PISSED!!! F*Ckin' Cancer!!!! I HATE CANCER!!! I expressed that energy not only in researching things to fight the cancer, but I physically battled cancer as well. I would go out into my yard and visualize that the ugly bush in the back that overgrew everything was his cancer. And I would go out there with my machete and destroy the heck out of that bush/cancer (usually bawling the whole time). I know it's silly, but it seemed to exhaust all that emotion in me for at least the next day, and then I could go back out in the yard again and find another bush or tree to whack when I was feeling overwhelmed. Or once in a while I'd buy a dozen eggs just to throw them with all my strength, and anger at one of the trees in back. (helps that I have a large wooded yard). It's not the action that is important, but the point of focusing your emotions on some outlet to get it off your chest. Otherwise it can feel like it is crushing you. It is too much for one person to carry around. Do whatever it is that helps you get through this one day, and tomorrow do whatever it is that helps you get through another. If that means crying, then to hell with the world and what they may think anyway. Cry all that hurt out. (((Bobby)))

My husband had that same problem. Started with tingling and numbness in his arm, and then swelling. Which got a to be very dramatic. LOTS of swelling because at first he didn't want to go to the doctor. It turned out it was SVC (Superior Vena Cava) syndrome. It's common when there are tumors in the chest and neck area. What happens is that a tumor presses on the major vein for the upper torso. The swelling occurs because the blood flow is reduced so that the blood is going into the arm from the arteries, but can not drain out as fast through the superior vena cava vein. It can be very painful and a problem, and I would highly suggest your mother go to see her doctor on this issue. If it is SVC Syndrome, there are some things they can do for this. My husband was helped by blood thinners. There is also the possibility depending on the location of the tumor to radiate it and decrease it so the pressure stops. Or they can go in with a small little tube through the vein and insert a stint and keep the vein open. Lots of things they can do to fix it, but you'll never know unless she goes it. If it's not SVC, it still sounds like something serious. I would make sure your mom goes into the doctor as soon as she can. SVC can progress in swelling rapidly and can get quite painful. I will keep you both in my prayers. Carleen

My husband had a different type of lung cancer, so surgery was never an option, so not much advice I can add there. I have heard from numberous people about the treatment plan of doing chemo and radiation to reduce the tumor to the point of surgery. And surgery is always the best choice for the chance of a complete cure. But, there are plenty of cases where there are long term survivors and NED without surgery. Many of those people are here too and will hopefully talk with you soon. What I can offer is my husband's experience with Etoposide and Cisplatin as well as Emend. Keith took that same combination, and tolerated it fairly well. He had fatigue and aching, and some nausea, but he said the Emend worked wonderfully. In fact, over the years, and all the different anti-nausea medications he was perscribed he always preferred Emend because he said it worked the best. He really did not feel too terrible with that, and was able to continue to work full time, do stuff around the house, go out with friends and live a fairly normal lifestyle. About day 2-3 of the cycle he would generally have to rest a bit more, as he was pretty worn out, but that wasn't so bad. Day 3 was the day he felt the most tired. A cycle can very depending on the chemo, but if I remember correctly with Etoposide and Cisplatin, a cycle was once a week for 3 weeks and the fourth week off of treatment. The only bit of advice I can give that may aid in this is that your husband should take the Emend first thing in the day as scheduled, whether he feels ill or not. All the anti-nausea drugs available right now do a pretty good job at keeping nausea from starting. But they are not as effective at getting rid of it once it's already there. Another good trick to keep in mind is to not let his stomach be completely empty, as for some reason that adds to the nausea. Maybe something to do wtih stomach acid production with out food to process. We found that if Keith ate a little bit every couple of hours instead of eating 3 big meals a day, he felt much better throughout the day. Plus it was a good excuse for me to keep him getting lots of calories in and keeping his weight up. I did not want him losing weight and being weak and frail so that he couldn't tolerate treatment. Plus all that cooking helped me as a caregiver to feel like I was actively helping and doing something proactive and fighting in some way. I hope your husband tolerates the treatment well, and that following this treatment the tumor shrinks enough to make the surgery possible. God Bless

I did pretty well in most subjects, but then again... I was a BIG geek in school. My favorites were art and english. I hated math and science, but did really well in it without trying too hard. Probably why I'm an accountant now. But I always thought it was boring and hated it. Now that I am thinking about it... I SUCKED at music classes. In fact on the first day of school my chorus teacher had each student come forward and sing a little bit at the piano so she could determine what vocal range you were and where your placement should be on the risers in the chorus. After I sang, she told me to just stand anywhere on the risers I wanted, next to anyone I was friends with because it wouldn't matter, I'd be lip-synching for every recital.

The melody is a bit on the somber side, but this song has always touched me because of it's message that although we suffer now, beautiful things are ahead for us. Might not be what you are looking for, as it's not very upbeat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O9VKd6eWT0 Superchick "Beauty From Pain" The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died And all that's left is to accept that it's over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made I try to keep warm but i just grow colder I feel like i'm slipping away After all this has passed, i still will remain After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today, Someday i'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best i can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place And though i can't understand why this happened I know that i will when i look back someday And see how you've brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames After all this has passed, i still will remain After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today, Someday i'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain Here i am, at the end of me Tryin to hold to what i can't see I forgot how to hope This night's been so long I cling to Your promise There will be a dawn After all this has passed, i still will remain After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today, Someday i'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain

Welcome Friends of Lenny! I am so sorry that we had to meet here and because of this, but I'm glad you found this site. There are so many warm and wonderful people here and so much practical and professional knowledge here. I've received immeasurable support and information from the people here over the last 4 years. I noticed that you are from East Troy. We are neighbors. I live on the East Troy/ Mukwonago border, right around the corner from the Elegant Farmer. If there is ever anything I can do to help, or if you or Lenny, or Lenny's wife would ever like to talk drop me an e-mail or a PM and I'll give you my contact info. I will be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm a lot like Beth was. It's been over a year now, and I still pray every single night that Keith will visit me in my dreams. Whenever there is a shooting star or any occassion for wishes, that is my wish. I long so badly to see him again. But I still have not had a dream of him. I have this idea that he will come to me, and I will feel his arms around me and hear his beautiful voice telling me one last time how much he truly loves me and that he is ok and I am ok to go on. But I rarely dream and when I do, it's not him. There was one dream where I almost dreamt of him, but it was one that I clearly know was my own mind and guilt toying with me. A number of months ago a friend of mine (also a friend of Keith's) asked me out for a date. He truly is a wonderful person who has been there for me, and done SO much for me since Keith's passing. I've known him for 12 years, and neither of us ever thought of each other like that. But being so close for the past year, he has grown close to me and wanted to date me. I wasn't sure if I could ever consider dating anyone but Keith, but a part of me realizes that I really would like to someday find someone to share love with. I don't want to be alone for the next 50 years. And of all the people I could think of, he would be the only one I could imagine dating because I already respected him and enjoyed his company. So I agreed to go out to dinner. A few nights later I dreamt that it was years later, and that I was married again to Mike. In my dream, Keith came back. I couldn't see him and it wasn't like he was actually there, but more the realization that Keith was back home and I had to pick between the two of them. I was crying in my dream because Mike is such a wonderful person and I didn't want to hurt him, but my heart was and always will belong to Keith. I woke up and felt sad the whole day. I just felt really alone, and guilty...so very lonely and with the feeling I would be lonely forever. I know this wasn't a true visit from Keith, I didn't even get to see him, plus I know in my heart he would want me to be happy if I could. It hurt terribly to even think about him being so close and not being seen or heard. But even in the face of the possiblity of a hurtful dream, I still pray every day for a true visit/sign/dream from him. I just want to see his eyes looking into mine one more time, feel is hand touching mine, a kiss would make my heart explode from sheer joy. I'll take anything.

I think you are so sweet to want to help your father through this tough time. I don't know if there is one answer that will the right one for your dad. This is really a personal experience and everyone goes through it in their own way. I know that the first few months after my husband passed, I thought were so hard and so scary that I thought I was at my lowest point. To my surprise, it actually got worse from there. I think there is a period of time where your mind buffers you, and you are a little numb. But as that numbness wears off and reality sets in, it gets so much more difficult. right about the time people started asking me if it was getting any easier because time had passed, is about the time it actually was getting harder...because time had passed. Instead of getting more peace with the passing of time, I was more aware of how long it had been since I saw his smile. I missed him more and more. As time went on I found I'd feel more and more grief over the little things that my brain would not remember. It was too long since... well since everything. I couldn't mentally recall the sound of his laughter. I couldn't remember the exact way his nose would wrinkle when he stuck his tongue out at me. I would obsess about trying to remember ever freckle, ever joke he ever told me. And what disturbed me, is that I knew that if I couldn't remember every great thing about him even though he was my true love, then others might forget great things about him too. Having people around me, talking to me, letting me talk about him really really helped me a lot. However I also realized there was going to be a time when people had to get back to their lives and I would have to learn to deal with my life and my time all alone. What I did, was I started a project journal. A friend bought me a blank journal where I could sit and write any thoughts and any grief I had whenever it occurred. No one ever would read my pages, they were for me to be completely open and dump my pain into. Sometimes friends or family would tell me memories or stories of Keith that I would add to my journal to remember always. It really did help to know that others still thought about him, still remembered him, and as they were going about their lives would have moments where Keith touched their lives. That knowledge helped a lot. The project grew in time, to include more of a collection of Keith'ism and memories, scrap book, DVD retrospective, musical tribute and expression of my love and gratitude for him. It started out very hard, with every word written in tears and near hysterics but as the months passed, I found that sometimes as I'd write I'd be smiling or even laughing at some really off the wall memory of his goofy and wacky sense of humor. Now when I go back and write or read, it is comforting to see in writing the love we shared. I was so very lucky and so very blessed. If your father likes to read, maybe he'd also enjoy writing his own love story. Or maybe a project to preserve and share her memory might occupy his time and give him a purpose. It's been 1 year, 3 months and 6 days. It's still hard, but I think I'm starting to see days where is isn't getting harder and where I can actually believe that in time I will be ok. I hope your father can find strength at this difficult time, and make it through to the days where he smiles more than he cries and can be grateful for what he had with your mother verses feeling the pain of what he's lost. Wishing your family all of God's grace and love Carleen

Nanci, I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know well the coma you are talking about, and I pray that God bring you strength and peace in the days ahead. Your service sounds like it was absolutely beautiful. Joe would have been honored and truly touched by such a loving tribute. I loved the butterfly release, the symbolism and ideology behind it is amazing. My husband and I did a butterfly release at our wedding in the tradition of the Native Americans, with the idea that butterflies are messengers carrying the well wishes and prayers of our guests to heaven. After that, butterflies became a special thing between my husband and I. In fact during one of his treatments where he was in isolation for 10 days, I went and had a butterfly tattooed on my ankle. And in tribute to him, I did another butterfly release on the 1 year anniversary of his passing in the hopes that my message of love would reach him in heaven on those soft wings. I know that your message of love reached Joe too, on the wings of those butterflies. It seems we unfortunately have a lot in common. I was widowed too at 36 (37 now, will be 38 in 2 weeks). If you ever wish to talk, please send me an e-mail or PM, and I'll send you my number. Take care, and lean on others for help. I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare. God Bless you

Today Keith would have been 36. Normally today I would be be filled with excitement and anticipation as I prepared for a day that was all about Keith. We always made sure to celebrate birthdays big, because we were always so grateful that this was the day that God brought our loved ones into our lives. I would be planning some big surprise or other, wrapping gifts, getting an ice cream cake (Keith didn't like standard cakes, crazy man), organizing times to get together with family and friends as there were so many people who loved Keith and would want to see him on his special day. Instead today is empty. I find the pain unbearable today. I know it should be easier because this is the second birthday without him, but the first was so close to his passing that it went by in a blur during a period where I was so numb. I miss him so much. I love him so much! I feel every cell in my body screaming out for him. Why? Why? Why? Cancer sucks!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR SWEET LOVE. MY HEART IS WITH YOU WHERE EVER YOU ARE. I hope birthdays in heaven are as wonderful as there were when we were together.

Maybe once upon a time that might have been true. It used to be the threat of the tumor pushing on the windpipe would cut off the airway completely as well as ability to take in food and liquids. But, just being on oxygen because of constriction does not designate a limited time left anymore. There are now other procedures they use if things continue to grow and push on the windpipe. There is a procedure they can do that basically goes in and stretches the esophagus to open the passage and compress/move the tumor a bit. They can also put a stent into the esophagus to hold the passage open as well. No one can say that this is the marker for a decline, or that she only has a couple of weeks left.

Keith started with CPT-11, along with Cisplatin and then Carboplatin. He never had a problem with diahrea, and actually had very few side effects from it. Just a little mild nausea that was well controlled with Emend. However, he used to take Senna-S because of constipation from the pain meds. But while on the CPT-11 he stopped taking them because he was afraid of the diahrea, He actually had the most normal bowel regularity during that time. I think it was the CPT-11 and the Pain meds fighting over their side effects and meeting in a perfect middle. I hope that this combo works miracles and with no side effects and no need to wear his track shoes God Bless

Anne, I am so sorry you are suffering these insensitivities. 46 days is too soon for anyone to think you should be fine, and to move on. I think you are doing remarkably. I think back to 46 days out, and I didn't eat unless someone cooked and put it in front of me. Clean the house? Hell, it's been 1 year and 40 days and I don't think I've cleaned the house really at all. I haven't moved a single one of my husband's things from where they stood the night he passed. Bathing at 46 days was done when I offended myself and not a moment sooner. But for other people, their attention span and ability to feel other people's pain is short. I met with a counselor early on who once told me that even the most well meaning of friends can only really expend the energy to truly empathize for about 2 weeks. It really was true. Unless someone's been there themselves they just can't understand. My husband passed on a Thursday and we buried him the following Monday. I received a call from my boss, who I also considered a friend who just wanted to make sure I was coming back to work that following Monday. She could not comprehend that it might take me more than a week to get over it. And to this day, I still fight with my sister just like you do, who compares her situation to mine daily. My sister's husband enlisted in the army reserve 2 years ago, and was deployed a few months after my husband passed. He returns home this October. Every time we talk she goes on for hours about how hard it is for her without him, how she struggles and misses him. But if I talk about missing Keith, I get a quick dismissive "I know what you mean" a roll of the eyes and then more about how it's the same for her. IT'S NOT THE SAME!!! He volunteered to go. Keith would NEVER have willingly left me, he fought like hell for every last day and minute to stay with me, and I would have fought Satan or God himself to keep him with me. She talks to her husband every night over the cell and instant messenger. Her kids have a father, she has a husband, they still have their futures together. Yes, she misses him. But she has no idea what it is to completely MISS someone and know you will NEVER have ANY opportunity to see their beautiful smile again. She did not lose half of her self and her identity, she did not lose all the plans and hopes and dreams she has built. And yes, it's scary that he is in danger, but he is still ok, and I do honestly hope she never finds out what it is like to truly MISS him just like I MISS Keith. I'm sorry you know too well what this pain is like. I'm sorry you have to also feel criticized for not being hardened and for being deeply in love so that you can't just "let it go". But there is nothing wrong with loving Karen, for grieving, and taking as long as it takes to grieve her. You are doing the best you can, and it will take as long as it takes. And that is fine. I will hold you close in prayer. God Bless

Hi Pearl, So sorry to hear that you are having these fears with your husband. My husband was also very young when diagnosed with lung cancer (31) and passed away at 34. So, I won't tell you that he's young and you shouldn't be worried because it seems now more than in years past, this is happening to young people. He was not a heavy smoker, but he was a drummer for most of his youth playing in smoky bars (but don't think the smoke caused his). I think your husband definitely needs to speak to someone about his symptoms because whether it is lung cancer or not, he has some serious things going on with him. My husband initially had no symptoms in the early stages. He presented his first symptom which was just a fever and sharp chest pains (actually more in the side and back), and we went to the hospital. He was diagnosed with pneumonia. Upon follow up to that visit they discovered the dark masses they thought were fluid on the chest xray did not change or move, so not really fluid. He probably had an infection because of the cancer that caused the pains but the cancer itself did not cause symptoms. That started the rollercoaster. But after he got rid of the infection using antibiotics for the "pneumonia" he felt fine. He did have a pain in his neck/shoulder he thought he pulled a muscle and was ignoring for months. Came to find out that it was a lymph node that was HUGE and cancerous. Often there are no symptoms for early lung cancer. Usually by the time symptoms appear, it is already progressed. Some of the symptoms you describe could sound like issues that could be signs of liver toxicity , such as the spider veining in the face, and swelling, an enlarged lymph nodes can also be an infection or signs of it trying to process toxins. Or it could be many other things as well, without going to a doc it's impossible to say. I would ask your husband to do this for you. He may be depressed, he may have been suicidal and not want to live. But even if he doesn't go to a doctor for himself, go because he loves you and doesn't want you to have these anxieties. I will keep you in my prayers and pray all is well with you both. Carleen

That's a very good question Larry! But also one so hard for me to even think about because I'm so torn. On the one hand, I think I had the perfect love affair and marriage, and I have an incredible fear that anything else could never measure up to it and I would be sad and disappointed. Plus it wouldn't be fair to any man to have to only get at most a fraction of me, since my Keith holds 200% of my heart. And I also feel like I am still married, and feel so much guilt whenever I even think of the idea of another man. But on the other hand, I'm only 37. I've had this great love that consumed my whole life and filled me up so completely that now that it is gone, the gapping hole is so unbearable obvious and overwhelming. I was once loved so completely, cared for so tenderly and wholey, and I had someone to give myself, my love and my time and attentions to. It is so painfully lonely now. I think when I was younger and single I was content because I didn't know what was possible, and didn't know what real love was. Now that I know, I realize so much more painfully and poignently exactly what it is I'm missing every day and every moment and the thought of living another 50 years with this emptiness and loneliness is one of the scariest thoughts I have. I don't think I could survive it. So yes, I hope that someday I can find someone to love, who will love me. Maybe not the same as I had, but maybe it will be "enough" and hopefully it will be to someone who understands that I will always love my Keith, as he was my true love. And maybe he can do it without jealousy and competitiveness. Maybe it won't be as great, maybe it will. But either way it will be different and I hope I am wise enough to see it and appreciate it if and when it happens and grateful for any love that God grants me. And I hope I can find a way to love someone without beating myself up for it, because although my heart tells me it's wrong, my head does know that Keith would not want me to suffer and be alone, and he would want someone to love me and care for me because I do deserve that. He loved me so much and really would want me to find some happiness. But, like Lily, I'm not going to actively look because I'm not strong enough to do that, I'm too afraid, too guilty, whatever. But I hope it happens. For now, I've actually been spending a lot of time with a friend of my husband. He became a room-mate shortly after Keith passed because he needed a place to stay, and I needed help both financially and just with taking care of everything since I was a complete devastated wreck after that (I would never have ate if he didn't put it in front of me, wouldn't have gotten up if he didn't make me). He's been there for me so much and helped me immensely. We've become the closest of friends, and I know that in this past year he's felt he has developed feelings for me, and asked that in time maybe I'd consider him as more than a friend. If not, ok. But when and in time, completely without pressure, he's there for me. I can think of 100 good reasons why he'd make a wonderful man to be with. But my heart right now still feels to afraid and too hurt. But with how close I feel to him right now, I don't think it would be impossible for me to someday love him. Who knows what life will hold?

One thing in life that I still want to do is have someone to love and care for, who loves and cares about me.