Carleen

WOW!!!! They are truly beautiful little blessings! I am so VERY happy for Andrea. She and I were going through InVetro processes much about the same time and I related so much to her struggles and heartaches. I took a break from the board before hearing she was pregnant, so I never knew. This is just such wonderful news, and I am so truly happy for Andrea! Sending you love, prayers and wishing lots of blessings!

For my husband's site, it took about 2 weeks for them to sod the area. However, like Randy mentioned, mother nature had other plans in mind. That sod did not take root and about 4 weeks after his burial we were back to dirt. They re-sodded the area after another week and so far it has been good. Now after a year, it is lush, green and stable. The marker is a whole other issue. Since there is no support for me to get a marker, I have to buy one on my own. I haven't been able to afford to do so yet which makes me so sad. Since my Keith was a drummer, a friend made a cross out of 2 drumsticks and that is stuck in the ground at his site. Not much of a marker. However, I was told that it takes 8-12 weeks from the time a marker is ordered until it is received and placed. I see you are from Atlanta, so you probably don't have all the same issues as I do up here in WI, but our cemetary will also not place a marker between the months of Nov and Apr. The ground is frozen and they can't do a solid base during those months.

Hi Robin, I don't know if this is too late, or if you are at the doc's as we speak. But I want you to know I am praying fervently for you to receive good test results. I can only imagine how difficult and unbearable the weight of all this is on you. Please know that all of us here are with you in spirit and holding you up in our hearts and prayers. Please do not feel alone. Day or night, there are so many people on this site going through this with you and who are here for you. I pray God grant you strength as well as healing.

Congratulations Aaron!!! WOO HOO!!!

Aaron, I can't begin to offer advice on this. On the one hand you are young and should be able to tolerate aggressive treatment moreso than what the norms are for doctors and protocols. I know that generally they say unless they can expect a cure with surgery they will not risk the complications of surgery. But, on the otherhand the way I always thought of it was... well... we were told we were stage IV incurable from the beginning, so without surgery there is no cure, with surgery there is no cure but there is relief in the tumor burden. Maybe if you were 80 and weak I'd say forget about surgery. But you are only 28. I'd ask around and see if there are other doctors that will support that decision. One of my regrets is that with my husband we did not do some things that were outside of the box in thinking. He was also very young strong and healthy (other than the cancer). We were continually told not to worry about the mets in his liver as they were so small that they weren't of primary concern. Even when we looked at treatment options that might have at least taken all involvement out of his liver, they said not to concentrate on that but think systemic treatment. But in the end, there became so many "small" lesions in the liver that it was what caused the greatest problem. It was the cancer in his liver that eventually shut down his liver functioning that ended his life. Ironic. I believe is there is any option out there to even take a few small cancer tumors and cells out of the equation then it is worth looking into because no one knows what and when and where this beast will do it's worst damage. I'll keep you in my prayers Aaron and I hope for complete healing and restoration for you.

I'm allergic to all seafood and shellfish so I can't even try it. I have no concept of what seafood tastes like other than the smell and I don't find that too appealing so I doubt that I would even try it if I could.

Hi Bam, My husband had his lung tapped, and it was not that difficult of a process. He had a lot of SOB, which did seem to change, but apparantly that was as the fluid moved to different places in the lining of the lung that didn't constrict the airways as much. What they did was have him go into the area of the hopital that did ultasounds and scans. They give him local anestetics and used and ultrasound machine to watch and guide a rather large and scary looking needle directly to the fluid pockets. Then they used that needle to pump out lots and lots of fluid. I can't remember right now how many liters, but it sounded like a lot. The whole process took about 2 hours, but he was not put under any general anestetic, I think if he had wanted one they would have given him a valium for his nerves but he said he didn't need one. They wanted him to be awake so he could respond to them with how he was feeling and his breathing capabilities. He was up and walking around after the procedure and feeling a bit better almost immediately. It took pressure off his lungs and increased his lung capacity. I would not expect a hospital stay unless there are other issues with your mom's condition that would interfer with the process. Sending you prayers for a successful procedure and for relief for your mom.

My husband had CPT-11 with Cisplatin as his first line treatment. He actually tolerated it well with only mild aches and pains and nausea (which was held off well with Emend). It was pretty effective in that it held him stable. He didn't have any issues with Diahrrea but then again we was taking medications for pain already and those caused constipation and I think the combination of pain meds and cpt-11 actually made him pretty regular. lol The treatments were a once a week for 3 weeks, with the Cisplatin only the first week. With the cisplatin the treatments were a long day. I think between the IV fluids for hydration and the 2 treatments he was in the chair for about 5 hours. But the weeks with the CPT-11 alone were not too bad, about an hour and a half. I guess we were really lucky in that he didn't notice much of a reaction or side effects at all on this combo. He continued to work full time, painted the house during chemo, played golf twice a week and never complained. I pray that the CPT-11 is as gentle on your mom, and with miraculous results!

I am so sorry Cindy! There is nothing I can say that will help. Please know that I keep you in my prayers. I understand how you feel losing your husband so young. It isn't supposed to be like this. It isn't right and it isn't fair. I lost my husband way too young too. Cry, let it out. Know that you will cry until you are empty and then cry some more. It's ok. It's alright to write long posts (I think I'm the queen of long posts). If it helps you lift some of that crushing weight from your heart then let it out. Sending you and your daughter my love and prayers Carleen

My husband did the full round of WBR and drove himself too and from the treatments himself. Since he wasn't experiencing any vision troubles prior that wasn't an issue. He was given dexamethadone to minimize any brain swelling and was told if he experienced any symptoms he shouldn't think of getting behind the wheel. The only other concern was the extreme fatigue the WBR caused. There were a couple of times that I received a call from him where he started out for somewhere feeling fine, but halfway through the drive he got so exhausted he didn't think he could keep his eyes open so he'd pull over and have me come pick him up. After looking back, he probably shouldn't have driven as much as he did, but my man was stubborn and refused to let anyone tell him he wasn't strong enough to take care of himself.

Hello all my LC Family, It has been so long since I've had the strength to come here, and much much longer since I've had the courage to post. It's been one year and 13 days since I lost My Keith, the center of my universe. Since then I've spun out of control in darkness and gravity. On the anniversary of his arrival into heaven, I spent the day by his graveside from morning well into the evening. I released 5 dozen live butterflies, just like we did on our wedding day. There is an old native american legend that believes that butterflies carry wishes and prayers to heaven upon their delicate wings. On the day of our wedding we asked our guests to release them with prayers that our life together be blessed. It was, because our love grew greater by every hour. On this past June 29th, 2007 I commissioned these butterflies with one common goal. Each set of wings carried all my love to him. I've tried so hard to heal and move forward so that I could feel worthy of his love and pride in me. But as I look around me I know I have moved nowhere and am as raw as I ever was. I've encased the pain in stone and cherish and nurtured it as it is all I have left of him. I have changed nothing around me, his things remain unmoved from where they sat that night he left me. I can change nothing, it is like I wait for him to come home and this will be nothing but a horrible nightmare that has passed. In the privacy and silence of our home I can be honest and I can suffer freely. I miss him so much I love him so much. I miss the way he loved me. I miss our plans for the future, the easy way our hands reached for one another without forethought; it was instinct. I miss his humor and how he could make me roll with laughter. I ache and long for his kisses; gentle and warm, full of love and conveying all the emotions in the world. I miss his arms around me and how in them I was safe and in them the world stopped and nothing existed except us. I miss him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was too young, he was too beautiful of a person, I loved him too much. He promised he'd never leave me, that we'd have each other forever. I feel like it has been a millenium and my tears have eroded a riverbed down my face. I feel like it was just yesterday and the grief has not eased at all. The only thing that has gotten easier is the ease at which I can hide my pain behind fake smiles and hollow laughter. So many people love me and have hurt for so long seeing me crumble that I could not let them endure it any longer. For them I smile and say I'm fine. I'm not. But I think many of them know this. I think they suspect because they've stopped asking how I am; I think it hurts them to see me lie. I pray every night as I drift to sleep: "Please lord, let there be hope for tomorrow, let me feel the warmth of the sun on my face instead of the chill of the knowledge that it is unshared. Or grant me thy mercy and take me to him." I'm sorry I haven't been on more. I want so much to help others, and to share some of what I've learned that could help others in this same journey, but I am an empty shell holding nothing but the shards and pieces of a broken heart. I have nothing to offer anyone except my pain. I apologize for leaving you all for so long and hope you understand. I do not mean to make those of you who have been so kind to me throughout these years worry. I've been too weak and afraid. I pray for you all, and hold you close in my heart. My love, warm wishes and respect are here with you! Love, Carleen

Welcome Jill, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't begin to tell you I know what it is like to lose your father, but I too am going through the grief of losing my love. Is is so important to know that grief is a personal individual thing. No one can tell you what to feel is right or wrong, normal or not. No one can tell you how long it will last or how deeply it will hurt. What I can tell you is that it is all ok, and normal to feel all sorts of things. When you feel like you are going crazy... it's normal. When you feel like you can't go on... that's normal too. When you smile and laugh and feel warmth remembering him...that's normal and ok too. Often on this site people talk about LC being a roller coaster ride. It is, and so is the grief that follows the loss of someone to it. You will have good days, and horrible days. As time goes on, you will get more good days where the pain is just a part of the background of who you are and you think you are doing well, and then you will plummet to a depth back to where you feel as badly as the day he left your world. It's ok. Be kind to yourself. Do those things that make you remember your father and smile and feel joy instead of pain. For me, that meant talking about my Keith and helping people understand just how wonderful, exceptional and beautiful of a person he was. Talking helped me let it all out too. I can't say that the grief/loss will ever go away, but I think in time we learn how to live with it and incorporate it into our new lives. The lives and future we must recreate without them in it. And because of that it gets easier. It's hard to believe right now, but it will get easier. And please know, when it is hard and you are feeling like you can't bear up under the weight of it, please come and share with us. Let the wonderful people here share the load with you and help you. They are so loving and helpful. God bless you Jill, and I will pray for strength and peace to fill you.

Robin, I am praying for you today and adding you to my prayers nightly that this be scar tissue, and that God grant you the strength to travel this journey. It is a long and terrible road. Sending you hugs and warm wishes...

I am so very sorry Max. Please accept my sincere condolences and know that I am praying for you and your family to receive comfort and strength from God during the horrible time.

Grace, I am praying for you, Carlton and your beautiful girls. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I do "get it". I want you to know that I think you are amazing. Your strength and beauty are an inspiration and Carlton is so fortunately to have you (as I know you feel fortunate to have loved Carlton). (((Grace))) I'm sending you so much love and I pray for God's comfort for Carlton and for your family.

Randy I understand how difficult this day must be for you. I'm sending you all my love and a warm hug. I know that it is small consolation. But I know that Deb is sending you her love from under those Carolina Blue skies. Happy anniversary honey.

Patti, Connie, I am so very sorry for your loss. Frank was a beautiful, brave and wonderful man who met this battle with courage, dignity and humor. He helped so many people and shared so much wisdom and love. He will be missed terribly. My thoughts and prayers are with you now for strength and healing of your broken hearts and spirits. May God grant you peace. I would be honored to join the rest of you in lighting a candle, lifting a beer and a chocolate donut to Frank at 9:00 Eastern (8:00 my time). God Bless you Frank, and may he shine his light and love upon you always.

Congratulations Danica!!!! That is such GREAT news!!!

Hi Danica, I will be keeping you in my prayers that these scans show no cancer in your pancreas or anywhere else for that matter. I've done a lot of research on Atypical Carcinoid as well, since that is what my husband had. I was just wondering if your doctors have talked to you at all about Sandostatin. It helps control the carcinoid syndrom but also has helped suppress mets and even shrank tumors in some patients. There are also 2 doctors that are considered the top 2 specialists for carcinoid Dr. O'Dirisio at the University of Iowa and Dr. Lowell Anthony (Used to be at LSU Mercy Hospital in New Orleans, but not sure since hurricaine Katrina). If your scans do show anything suspicious, I would highly recommend Dr. O'Dirisio. and try to get in to see him. There is one very promising trial specifically for Atypical Carcinoid (Ytrium trial) for which Dr. O'Dirisio prequalifies patients for. And he can work with your existing oncologists to get many of the tests done. Anyway, I hope and pray that this information is unnecessary, and that all your news is good. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but glad to know you have such a wonderful and supportive network of family and friends. God Bless

Bobby, I'm not an expert but the Neulasta is mean to boost white blood cell production. It could be the cause, but I've never heard of it raising counts to levels higher than normal levels during chemo but again I am not a doctor nor have I heard of everything. Another very common cause for increased blood cell counts is the body's natural reaction to infections. Either way, I would suggest your sister contact her oncologist and talk to him about what the cause could be. Keeping you both in prayer.

Laurey I am so very sorry for the loss of your love and your soulmate. I understand all too well the pain, anger, disbelief, and grief you are suffering. I wish I could say that what you are telling your daughters is right, that everything will be "ok". But being in the thick of it, I don't honestly believe it to be true. What I believe is that we will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. We are not sick. We are grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my husband and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are ok, and this will be for the rest of my life. I will never reach a point where I "accept" what happened and it will be "ok" or "fine", but I will go on and life will continue because what choice is there. And in time, my heart, body, and mind will find a way to live with the pain and tolerate the loss. The pain will be less sharp but the emptiness will always be there. I will again find reasons to smile and laugh, find joy and beauty around me. And when I do there will be a twinge of sadness in it because they should have been shared with my love. But the point is that some day ever moment will not be filled with the darkness. The colors may never shine quite as bright again, but you will see the roses in bloom again in time. It is not fair that he was taken so young. It is not fair that his beautiful babies will not get to have him there as they grow and mature into beautiful women. None of this is fair and it seems too cruel for it to be allowable by a merciful God. I try and believe that it is not God how created this, but hope that he will bring comfort and peace as we travel through this hell. Laurey, please e-mail me if you ever want to talk. I haven't been on board much lately as I've had to take on 2 jobs and work about 70 hours a week, but I will give you my cell # and usually am easily contacted that way. Take gentle care of yourself and your girls. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Carleen

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God hold you and your family close in his comforting embrace.

Don you amaze me with your strength. You are simply beautiful.

Lynda please know that I am praying for you and your family. I know that there is little that will ease your heart at this time, but you were a wonderful daughter and a strong advocate for him. I know he was proud of you and the strength and love you showed throughout this fight, just as I see from your posts just how proud of him you are. He was a strong and wonderful man. I am so terribly sorry for you loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God grant your family strength and peace in the upcoming days, and months to follow. I am grateful that God answered your prayer for her to pass into his kingdom free from suffering and with grace and peace. God Bless you