hollyanne
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Posts posted by hollyanne
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Oh Nancy, I am so sorry.
I am sure you know all the basics on what you should try to eat -- and you have done the Zofran, Compazine, etc.
One random thought -- what about trying the morning sickness tricks. Those really sour Prego Pops? raw ginger? Don't mix liquids and solids at the same time, etc. Sounds trite...but I am sure you will try anything. I had such bad morning sickness that i was hospitalized - the one thing that helped me somewhat -- Sea bands -- the bands you use for sea sickness...I NEVER took them off, in fact, I still have scars on my wrists from them! I also bought the electric current one as well.
The other pregnancy trick is vitamin B-6 mixed with Sominex (the over the counter sleeping stuff.)
I am so very sorry...you are going through enough without this.
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As most of you know, I lost my mom two weeks after my first baby/her first grandchild was born. There are times that Caroline stares up into the air and smiles or just laughs for no apparent reason. She began smiling in the middle of the night just after my mom passed away. Maybe this poem explains why...
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Toward Morning
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning before it is light, I hear my baby talking in her crib.
If I rise up on my elbow very gently so she will not see me, I can see her there in the dim lights, dark eyes with her fat hands clasped together or patting one another.
All the while she makes those tender, inarticulate sounds in her own language.
To whom is she speaking in the dark, toward morning?
Is she still so near Heaven, this little one, is she talking in the language of the Angels to some visitor invisible to me, but seen by her pure eyes?
Is she making a report of her days events, her own progress report, or asking of the welfare of others she loves in the land she left so short a time ago?
Perhaps the Angel who cares for her comes in that Holy hour to sit with her and love her yet awhile - - toward morning.
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I absolutely believe she was there with you..there is no doubt in my mind. I have had two similar experiences (with my mom, not your wife!) As bittersweet as it feels, what a blessing. Embrace it!
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Our hospice expereinec was amazing. In fact one of my mom's nurses is flying out to see me tomorrow...we all became so close. I pray that yours is as positive and fulfilling for your dad...it can make such a positive difference.
Love,
Holly
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Jen -
What a blessing to have this day. I pray that your dad'd passing will be easy as he embarks on a glorious trip.
Holly
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Wow. You guys have hit a lot of these emotions right on the head. the jealousy...I feel that one all the time. Sometimes I can't stand for Patrick's mom to hold Caroline -- it should be MY mom. She was the cool one, the one who waited and waited and waited for her only daughter to finally have a baby. She is the one who should buying little pink clothes and staying up with Caroline when I am just too tired. None. None of it is far.
I agree with Val, my real sadness is just now starting. I miss her so much more now thatn I did the first few months. The feelings are less raw, less out of control but the longing to have her with me is so much more real.
My friend just had a baby and her momis with her...I never got that. I will never know what it is like to see my mom's face or to hold her hand when bringing a new life into the world. We never went shopping for baby clothes or a halloween outfit and it just kills me.
I am so sorry that Val, Michele, Erin, Kathy, etc have all had to go through this...it juts sucks. Please have faith in the fact that your mom is watching over your little ones.....The most moving thing my mom said to me was: "Holly, don't think I am going to be somewhere missing you or the baby. Missing you or missing out would be sad and that is not what Heaven is about. God would never make Heaven hard."
I am here for all of you.
Love,
Holly
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Praying for you guys...NED NED is what we NEED NEED
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On Christmas Day (two weeks before my mom died) our neighbor brought Caroline (who was four days old) a purple onesie and a green velvet blanket. I wrapped her all up in and took her to see my mom. My mom said "Look at our little Christmas Crocus." We laiughed about it and that was about it.
A few days after my mom's service, some of her friends were with me at my mom's house...I saw something in the kitchen and jusy broke down crying. I said I needed some time. I had gone to the store that a.m. and bought some diet coke -- which was down in my locked car. It was snowing pretty hard that day and I went down to the car. I remember thionking that the snow was really coming down as there were no footprints or car tracks other than mine....very serene
I unlocked the car and grabbed the diet coke. I could see something poking out from behind the seat. I picked it up --- it was a blooming purple crocus in a little plastic nursery type pot )not nice) -- there was no note, etc. The sticker said Crocus: 4 inch pot and had a name of a nursery on it.
I walked inside with it -- no one noticed it (and I know that no one knew the story anyway) They told me I had the sweetest smile and what was going on. I said "I don't know, but I have to make some calls." I called the stiore where I had been thinking maybe I picked it up -- "Are you kidding me, there are no crocus blooming in Utah in January."
There is no explanation other than my mom.
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There is no right or wrong thing to do...only what you can. I completely turned my life upside for my mom and it was the absolute best thing I did. I was four months pregnant, quit an executive level position at a public company, moved from San Francisco to Utah, lived in my high school bedroom and had my baby in Utah. It was tough, very very tough and stressful -- yet I would not trade in a single day that I had with my mom. I am still dealing with the financial implications of my decision...but I will never ever regret one minute. Sometimes I still feel like my life is on hold...
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Darn
in NSCLC GROUP
Jim -
Every inch of my being wants Duke to give you a lot of years. You have been such an inspiration to so many of us...and must continue to be so.
You are the guy to prove everyone wrong. Thinking and thinking of you.
Love,
Holly
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Praying for you right now as I go to bed,
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Ma's scan :)
in HOPE
That is such great news, Libby!!!
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HOORAY!! What a great gift.
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Usually if a person is stage IV they don't recommened surgery unless it is going to relieve major symptoms. My question is the same as Linda's -- why stage IV? Where else are there tumors?
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Oh Jen - this hits close to home for me as well. My mom also couldn't have radiation again, and suffered immobility because of it. Your dad seems at peace...I pray that all of you are.
Holly
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Hi -
I can't add much to the great advice you have gotten so far, except to add my two cents -- hospice should help a lot. They have been through every situation and are armed with medical and emotional help.
I'll be thinking about you guys tonight. You will make it through this. Know that taking care of your dad in his last days is something you will never, ever regret doing. I was four months pregnant when my mom was diagnosed. I moved from California to Utah to be with her, had my baby there, uprooted my whole life. YET IT WAS SO VERY WORTH IT. This time is so very precious.
Love to you all,
Holly
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Hi -
My mom did not have brain mets - but did get more confused as the disease progressed. I think it was a build up of the pain control drugs, chemo and general fatigue. She was very coherent, but she had a tough time with things like knitting.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Holly
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Cindy -
You said what I always tell myself...i am not sad for my mom anymore, I am sad for me....I know it is selfish, but it still hurts terribly. I am few months "ahead" of you in all of this. I can tell you that the pain feels less raw now than it did three months ago. I miss my mom probably more than I ever had, yet I can breath when I think about her. I can laugh more...I just miss her.
I pray that this load will lighten for you. Your dad will always be in your heart, he will always be watching over you. Take comfort in knowing that he isn't far.
Love to you,
Holly
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Oh, I can relate. My mom died in january, and some days seem just unbearable. I so want to share so many things with her. I am sorry that so many people have to suffer loss from this f'ing disease. I find that completely break down is the best thing for me to do...and then I pick it up and move on.
Some days it seems like everything I see, hear or think reminds me of my wonderful mom. I look at this seven month old baby and think that forever her age will be tied to how long my mom has been gone. I also think about what a wonderful Nana she would have been.
I will say a prayer for you tonight that you have more good days than sad ones.
Love,
Holly
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Michele -
I am so terribly sorry. Please email me when you come up for some air. I can very much relate to what you are going through and hope that I may be able to give you some comfort. My mom did make it to see my baby born...but I understand all the emotions as my mom was my very best friend in the world. I miss her every single day - it has been just under seven months.
I am so, so sorry. I am sending you a PM as well.
Holly
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You simply never know with this stuff. My mom was given 12-18 months and made it 5 months even with aggressive treatment - ther are people given six months who have made it years. You simply have to live every day like it is your last and GET EDUCATED.
I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family. You will never know why, and no one, simply no one deserves to go through this.
We are all here for you, especially we daughters who know what it feel slike to experience this with your mom. Please count on us.
Love to you,
Holly
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hi -
I agree with Don - it doesn't have to be a choice, but it IS a process to find the right level and the right drugs. For example my mom was very lucid with morphine, but not as clear with fetanyl -- we experimented quite a bit with steroids which helped her a lot with no side effects. I believe that pain is what most cancer patients are most fearful of -- and it can be managed. I think lucidity is something that we as caregivers crave more so than patients...
Praying you find the right mix.
Holly
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Lets start with the two years..and then go from there. I am so sorry you got such crappy news. You have been and are an inspiration to so many of us...and I bet you are hot.
Holly
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Jenn -
I am so very sorry. Please try and focus on each day. It sounds so trite, but if you get through today you will deal with tomorrow when it comes. It so very overwhelming to think about the "what ifs" of the future.
Prayers for your family that you have peace of mind and strength in the coming weeks and months.
Holly
Thinking of you Darrell,
in HOPE
Posted
me too!!! I think about darrell all the time.