MarkG

Hi everyone, Just a short note to let you know I'm hanging in there. I know I don't check in as often now. Please don't feel I am distancing myself. I am occupied now with a new freind that I relate with entirely, the loss of a spouse. So we do connect. I still have intense moments of loss of Leslie, and so miss her. I find myself thinking back a year ago, what we were experiencing. It is so strange now. To think that she knew it would be her last year of life. Leslie knew, more than she would tell me. I remember crying with her, out of no where it seemed. Leslie did not want to die. When I think of her saying that, it breaks my heart. I can see the tears in her eyes right now. I so miss her intellect, her insight. I miss her loving compassion for animals. Our poor dogs, I know they miss her too. I am just not as accomodating to the dogs needs as she was. They were "her" dogs. I do take care of them, remove thier tics (creepy things!) and clean them. But not as much as Leslie did. The cats too. We have a few refugies on the front poch that Leslie took in. They stay on the front porch. They too miss her, I know. I am not as accomodating as she was to them either. It is just not the same. I have finally removed some of her things, just a few cloths is all. Still much more to go through, and not something I want to do. It brings on the pain, the tears, the intense sense of loss. Ok, just wanted to let you all know I am ok. I will check back periodically. I must say, when I needed you all the most, you were there, thank you. Mark

Hi all, We ran into a snag for Leslie's garden. Seems the people next door (a bar) have issue with the property line and are disputing it. Some people!! We think the drunks are complaining that they won't be able to throw their beer bottles between the buildings now, or go pee there?!! Appears they don't really own any peice of the lot at all, but still are being jerks about it, and will create a bigger problem for themselves, than the post office where Leslie worked. So we thought we were a go, now we have to work throught the stupidity, selfishness of others. So rediculous. Oh well, one way or the other Leslie's garden and legacy will live on!! I am well, although today is 3 months since Leslie passed and she has entered my thoughts considerably today. I so much miss her. Ok, just an update........... Best to all of you, Mark

Hi Everyone, Just a little note to let everyone know (especially those who sent funding, thanks!) that Leslie's garden will commence construction very soon. When completed I will see about forwarding pics of the garden to share with all. It will be a xeroscape garden with a walkway. A large stone is going to be placed with a placard having Lelsie's name engraved upon it. Leslie's still is palying a large part in the small community of Crook, Colorado. A CO-OP food provider has come to town (Leslie's endevour) and some town councel changes have happened in large part of her efforts. Lelsie will not be forgotten here, for sure. I do so miss her, I must say. Even with the wonderful company and companionship I have found with my friend, Kathy, I still am overcome with loss at the strangest times. Seems to come out of nowhere. I miss my Leslie. Ok, I am well. Thinking of you all. Sorry if I'm not here as much now. I am busy with work and now that spring has sprung, I am outside as much as possible. Love you all, Mark

Hello all, I have to say thanks so much for your nice responses. So far so good here. Spring has sprung, new life everywhere! My spirits are lifted. The only thing to get me a little down lately, the bulbs in the front garden that Leslie planted last fall. I was watering, saw them sprouting, and reminded me of when she planted them. So, I kind've lost it a little. Trying to stay positive, and doing so. My freind, Kathy, has kept me company and has made it all easier. I too for her, as yesterday was the one year anniversay of her husbands passing. So I supported her yesterday, then lost it myself!! She provided a shoulder for me too, yesterday. So, it's all pretty good overall for me right now, but of course, miss my Leslie so much. Ok, got to go. I am working, or am supposed to be working right now!! Take care all. I will check back later, mark

Hi to all that are curious. I am doing well since attending a grief support group a couple weeks ago. What a difference it can make to talk to those who "know". The very sweet lady who invited me (Kathy)lost her husband last April with Pnemonia suddenly. We have a lot in common. I have faired much better. I felt for a time after Leslie had passsed that I would just forever be in a state of loss and despair. I am at times very low, but now have a friend who helps me through. Any way, I felt it to be good news, so here it is!! I'll keep in touch. Mark

Hi Beth, Gosh, I do know how you feel. I have began to experience some of the same. I know what you mean about wanting to call Bill. I would call Leslie in the same way. Leslie was such a smart, intuitive person, I turned to her often to get me back on the right track. I am so befuddled now at times without her intelligent, reasoning input to my personal daily issues, work and away. I also know exactly what you feel about seeing couples together. Boy did I take it for granted to have a person that wanted so badly to hold my hand when out and about. If I didn't hold her hand, she'd sure get punchy with me!! Any ways, we have very much in common here. I too have moments out of the clear blue sky, all is ok, then it's like being hit by a freight train, here it comes, the overwheming wave crashes over. man oh man, it is just hard. I guess we'll pull through, right? I'm here for you if you need me! Mark

Hi, I know, I do. Leslie and I have always had several pets, cats and dogs. We would be devestated and cry with each other whenever we lost one of our friends. More times than not, they were run over on the road! That made us lock up our poor little freinds to protect them. But we always felt bad that they were trapped in the house. The past few years we have lived in a small community, very little traffic on dirt roads, so have let those that want to, go out. Leslie only passed this past January. One of our dogs, Arrow, is about 13 yrs now. She isn't fairing real well, but still has that doggie smile, I'm sure you know the smile. I figure as long as she seems happy, I will be sure to continue to let her enjoy her time. But I know that sometime soon, I will have a tough decision to make. With the loss of Leslie, I am so scared of that day to come. I don't know how I'll handle having to take Arrow to the vet, for the last time. So, I just wanted to check in with you and let you know that I understand you greif. Life brings us some real difficult experiences. I keep reminding myself that there is a lot of good experience too. But my gosh, the loss of our companions and freinds just trips you up so badly, it sure is difficult to get back up running again. Take care. Mark

Hi Michelle, I love your name, my sister was Michelle. She passed last June at only 38 yrs (Sarcoma). Any way, I only just lost my wife, Leslie in January. I know what you mean about not getting easier. I don't have family nearby, so don't have the additional pain and frustration that you share with family. From what I am told, anger is one stage of greiving. That may be the stage all of you are going through at the moment. Try to discuss if possible the stages of greif with your family. Maybe it will help. Maybe all of you are experiencing the anger stage. I really don't know, I am not an expert with greif, at least yet! Seems a part of life to be experienced and learned wheather we like it or not. I send my heart felt wish for better days ahead for you and your family. Mark

Hi All, I have been reading some posts stating how it seems harder after some time to lose our loved one. I do agree whole heartedly, it is very, very difficult. It has been almost two months now since Leslie passed. I find myself doing everything I can to not lose it! Seems she is ever constant on my mind. I will be functioning just fine, then suddenly, Whamo!! I am a blithering idiot for some time. It is like getting punched in the gut, with a real big stick! So how long will it take to begin functioning daily without losing it? Just wanted to check in. I am ok, but only just ok. I miss Leslie more than I could've ever imagined. Even though she did so well for the past year, even though we knew she may pass, and talked much about it. Even though I thought about what it may be like to lose her, I now realize, there is no preparing yourself for the sense of loss. I can say this experience has to be the most difficult for any human being to endure. Mark (Leslie221 Husband)

Hi, Just a note to anyone wondering, I am hanging in there. This past week was a bit easier to get through. Today though, I am working, and right in the midst of the day, I began to really miss Leslie again. So I figured I'd drop a note here to ease the pain. I miss her, I really miss here. It just hasn't completely sank in that Leslie is gone. The hardest part is the thought of never talking again. It really sucks. I get so down. On a brighter note, I met a lady who's husband passed last year, (not sure how or why). She invited me to a support group meeting later this month. I am looking forward to sharing my feelings. I have not shared with anyone in person for quite some time now. I am ok, but am lonely here. All my family is 1200 miles away, so am sucking it up, trying to maintain. Well, just an update. Thanks for lending an ear, or set of eyes in this case! ) Mark

Good day to all, I have to say, Leslie tried to get me to come to this site for some time. She found much comfort from visiting with all of you. She told me it would help me too. Well, as stubborn as I am, I didn't listen to her (big dummy) and just continued on my merry way through the difficult time we shared. She actually got pissed at me for not showing interest. Well, now I understand, I am finding much comfort from many of you. With what I am experiencing now, I find coming here makes my day a little easier to cope with. I think Leslie is very happy I am here. I think a part of her is continuing to communicate with all of you through me. Coming here now I am finding new friends, great comfort and support. I have experienced something with the loss of Leslie, that I could have never imagined. I thought that I would probably pass before Leslie, as she was so into taking care of herself. She had yearly check ups and always tried to exercise, eat right and generally look after her well being, mentally and physically. I on the other hand, maybe being typical of a man, ate whatever I wanted, Micky D's and the sort. I hate to exercise and hate going to the doctor. Yearly check ups were not part of my vocabulary. So now that she has left, I am re-thinking my well being, my health, my mental status. I am trying to eat more salad, with cucumbers that I don't like. Leslie would always put them in my salad. Of course I ate them, but like a kid, with an amount of complaining. Well, I bought a cucumber the other day, and lettuce, the healthy kind, because I know she want's me to eat healthy. I am trying to, but still fall back of bad stuff. I hear her in my head saying "c'mon Mark, you know better". I have a question for all; has any of you ever tried to have a gathering, like a family reunion? I can imagine you may have. I figured I'd inquire. I think it would be a incredible time to be able to get together as many as possible, and meet somewhere in the middle of the country. Spring and summer is coming. I'd so enjoy meeting with many of you. I think it would be good for our souls. Well, just wanted to talk to you all. Today, this moment I am ok. The sun is shining. I had a rough day yesterday. I may again today. But I know I'll make it. I hope tomorrow I am ok, cause I have to try getting back into the work mode. I have a wonderful career in wind power. I am pround to say I work with an industry that does not contribute to cancer causing elements. No pollutants what so ever. That I am proud of. Hope to hear back from many of you. If anyone needs to talk about anything, I am here. I have experience now with loss, an experience I rather not have learned. But if I can help relieve others pain in greif, that will make my experience worth it all. All my best to everyone, Mark

Dearest Lilly, I hear a lot of concern in your words, not only about the loss of you ex, but about flying too, which compounds you anxiety. I fly quite often because of my work. I use to worry about flying too, but have found it is actually very safe and easy to do, except going through security. That is just an inconveinence having to unload everything on your person. Please rest assured it's not a bad thing at all. Flying is very safe, safer than driving to the grocery store, really! My daughter came out the first week of this month from California to be with me. I had her fly out, her first ever flight. She was nervous, but when she arrived she said it wasn't anything she was thinking it would be. She felt so safe and enjoyed the trip, looking out the window and talking with her row mates. You will be ok with it. See it as an adventure. If you need to, inform the flight attendants of your anxiety. They are trained to comfort those that feel nervous. Think of it, they fly everyday for a living. At any given moment, there are 60,000 people in the air above us. Hard to believe but true. If you check the stats more people die everyday in auto accidents than all year in plane accidents. You'll be ok, trust me. One of my co-workers is from Denmark. He flies back each year to visit family. He was always terrified to fly and didn't go back at time because of his fear. He went to a hypnotist, he says it worked. he no longer has fear and says it is actully pleasnt, especially with the thought of seeing family at the other end. Take care. My best to you and yours, Mark

Hi, I am feeling your loss, so very much . Everyday will bring the sense of loss. I know, it's only been a little over a month since Leslie passed. Nothing can deminish the pain but time. And I'll admit, time passes way to slowly with this sense of loss. I am here with you. We can talk through it together if you like. Stay focused in each moment. That's the only way I can cope. Not easy. My heart goes out to you, Mark (Leslie 221 husband)

Oh my gosh, I spent a year with the knowledge, along with Leslie, that the day would come that I may be without her. It was a very difficult year, along with a lot of happy, bonding moments between us. In a strange way, it was one of the best years for us together. But still, it was in our face, the knowledge of cancer within Leslie. I have to say, she was so strong through it all. She saved me the worry by being so strong. I admired her strength so........ She worried about me more than herself, right to the end. When she was transfered to Denver, I was a few hours behind her before getting to the hospital. The staff mentioned several times how worried she was about me, not herself. She told me she was so worried that no one would be here to take care of me if she wasn't here. I told her I'd be ok. Boy was I wrong!! I am not ok, at least right now. Even with all the thought and preparation, and discussion with Leslie about how I would handle being without her, I can say no amount of preparation can ready you for the sense of loss. I have her ashes here now. It doesn't bother me too much. But I look at the box and just am amazed that's all she is now, a box of chipped bone and ash. She will stay with me a while until her life long friend, Sally, comes to retrieve her. We will bury her remains in Placeville, California in Sally's backyard with a new little tree, as Leslie wished. Leslie loved trees. She was the ultimate tree hugger!! She would hug trees. In our backyard there is a gigantic willow tree. She loved that tree, and would hug it. She said she felt it's life force. I will come here quite often to vent. This experience is something that many seem to not comprehend outside of this place, althought they are gracious. I know they don't understand. I can only say that sometime in almost everyone's life, they will understand. It is a part of life. My co-workers sympathize, but some admit they can't even imagine what it's like. My boss has been wonderful, but even he says he cannot comprehend the loss. He gets me back into regular work mode, or at least tries. I told him that I am not 100% right now, but will do the best I can. I loose focus, want to do well, but admit I am barely up to the task. I hope next week brings more focus for me at work. I am lonely here. No family nearby. But it's funny, I don't want to be alone, but don't want company either. It's a strange, limbo sort of state of mind. I only wnat Leslie here. I talk in the house as if she's here. When I come home from work I say "I'm home honey, what's for dinner", or "what would you like to do tonight?" Seem weird, but it may help just a tinge. I have not been able to remove her under garments from the dresser. I don't even want to think of throwing out her underwear, which I know I must do eventually. But it just feels like if I do, I'm throwing her away. I just leave the drawers as is and don't open. Well, I could go on and on. I wish some of you were close enough to come visit, I really do. Seems we're all spread out around the country, and world! I used all my vacation, sick and berevement time, have to accumulate time again before I can venture out on a journey. But later this year I will. Maybe I can connect with some of you guys later this year. I will tell more stories about Leslie as time moves forward. She was a multi-talented person, a genious, literally, very high IQ. She was a book worm. I have boxes and boxes of books, every single one she had read. One of our moving vans was practically all books when we moved to Colorado. Ok, I won't write a novel here. But I will write more later. Once I'm beginning to get out of my greif, I will be happy to help others with the pain I am learning to deal with, myself. I wan to help any and all of you. I am that kind of guy, I suppose. I love nothing more than giving of myself to others. Right now I realize I need to receive the same that I would normally be giving. So if any one needs me, advice, a shoulder, just to talk, please contact me. If I can help in even the smallest way, I will be fullfilling my life's desire, to help make this world, this life we share, maybe just a little bit better for people. All my best to all of you, Mark

well, I am having another moment, but this one seems to not want to leave. I am at work, busy, but Leslie entered my thoughts. Now I am so depressed, I cannot function, cannot do the work at hand. I just keep saying to myself how I miss her. I started to cry on the phone with my boss. I said the one thing that hurts so much is the thought of never talking with her again, hearing her voice, her laugh. It so much sucks! I hate cancer, I really hate it. The fricken monster took my Leslie away. I am in pain. I can barely function. I know this will pass, but as fast as time passes, this kind of time cannot pass fast enough. I want her home, here. I know she's gone home, some will say. Yes, she's in a better place, others will say. But she's not in my home. I just miss her. Ok, had to get it out of my system. Think maybe I can go on to next task. Mark

Hi, My wife Lelsie passed last month. I am so sorry for you, I know exactly what your going through. Please feel free to contact me. maybe together, we can discuss all this and work through it. The cancer monster is just a horrible thing. I too hate it. My best friend, companion was devoured by it too. Take care of you. My regards, Mark (Leslie221 husband)

Hi, I have to apologize, I have not returned thank you's to all who sent cards to leslie and I, and just to me. So please receive my sincere Thank you for all the kind thoughts and prayers. I have read some of Leslie's posts, and your responses. She always encouraged me to be more than I thought I could possibly be. The affect she's had on this group, I find incredible. I too, profoundly have been affected with her presence in my life for 16 years. I do, and will always miss her. But am thankful for Leslie to have loved me. Best regards, Mark

Alright, I think I have figured out this site. My mind has been in another place the past while, could not focus on anything requiring some sort of thought process! I have been having a difficult time with the loss of my soul mate, best friend, companion and the one person on the planet that knew me and took care of me. I so miss her, it just is so painful. The pain of loss starts from the depths of your soul and progresses right up through the gut. It physically hurts. I can tell all of you, Leslie did stand out in a crowd. Leslie had such an extreme love for all creatures great and small. That is why I have so many critters around my house. Eight cats on the front porch, four in the house and two big dogs. I will continue for her, to take care of the bunch. I think maybe she has gone to dog and cat heaven!! All animals were attracted to her. I use to call her the animal goddess. Leslie's influence upon my life has help me become the person I am today. When we met, she was obviously attracted to me. I asked her what she would see in a guy like me? She seemed (and was) so intelligent. I short changed myself from low self esteem. Leslie boosted my confidence all the time, and corrected my vocabulary quite often, which in the beginning frustrated me, but I soon realized she was trying to help me. I guess it worked as I manage a multi-million dollor power plant, something back then that I knew I could never do. I find such great comfort with the knowledge that Leslie touched all of you in such a way. I wish all of you could have known her personally, in person. Leslie was the most beautiful, loving, caring person I have had to pleasure to have known and loved. I have a feeling she and I have been together a long, long time. We all share this universe. In her words, we circle each other throughout time finding one another, the seperating again only to find each other again. Leslie wrote this to me in a poem she gave me not too long after we had met. I stiil have it in a frame over my headboard. Please, if you all would like to?, we want to build a nice xeroscape garden in her honor next to the post office she worked. Please send any donation to Leslie Guilloz Memorial Fund C/O Crook Post Office, Crook, Colorado 80726 We will build a nice garden for her. I will take pics to share with you. Maybe a placard can be placed with names of persons she touched in the LCSC. Ok, I hope to hear back from you all, Take care and best to you all, Mark

Hi There, Well, I went to So. Cal. (Orange County), what a mad house there. I grew up in Huntington Beach. Back then there were still some dirt roads. It is all concrete now, and so many people, to much for this guy. I got Back this Monday, have been busy with trying to get back on track. Just now finding time to check site. What a response about leslie!! Thank you, thank you. And thank you so much for all the cards from every corner of the country. Leslie definately made an impact with many of you. Leslie was just the most amazing women. She was the brightest, intelligent person I have had the greastest pleasure to love and share life with. I will continue to check in with you all. So far I am coping, but have a very hard time first thing in morning when I'd always kiss her goodbye when leaving for work. Now I get up, and pretend she is sleeping. I actually say "I love you honey, see you this afternoon". I just feel empty. I know time will heal. But the time has to pass first. Right now, not enough time has passed. We are going to construct a xeroscape garden in Leslie's name next to the post office. If you want to donate in Leslie's name, please mail to Leslie Guilloz memorial fund C/O Crook Post Office, Crook, Colorado 80726 Again, thank you for all the support. I wiil check in with you all more often from here on out. With all my love to all of you, mark

Just a short note to say thank you for the cards of condolence from every corner of the country! Obviously Leslie filled a space within your hearts. I miss her so darn much, my heart aches so badly, I can hardly keep up my chin. I am still lost a little with this site. I want to chat with you all and share my feelings. I need to express my heart felt pain to you. I have my daugher here now to ease the pain. Will be gone for two weeks in Cal. When I return, I will check in with you all. Mark, Lelsie221 husband

Oh Deb, What terrific news! Alan, you're always in my thoughts. I'll hang in there if you will? Deal? Leslie

New member, Michael, just let us know his 81-year old dad celebrated one year since dx in December! Michael's dad sounds like he has the right stuff attitude-wise. Congratulations!

WOOOOHOOOO!!! You bet that's GOOD news! Wishing you many, many more anniversaries to come! Leslie

Karen! WOOOHOOOO!!!! What an accomplishment! Enjoy! Leslie

Michael, Your Dad sounds like a remarkable and likable man. If you could bottle some of his attitude and character, you'd make a fortune. I posted a congratulations for one year survivorship for you Dad in our LC Survivors forum! He has earned some congrats! Leslie