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Linda661

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  1. What has worked for me to help get me through this "anniversary syndrome" is: 1. Acknowledge the hurt and sadness as we feel it. 2. The hurt now has a chance to begin to heal if we will permit ourselves to not let our minds keep replaying what is no more. What I've been doing is spending time with nature sounds (like listening to the birds singing, the wind blowing, the rain falling) and/or playing calm, relaxing music (whatever that is for me on that day -- that's going to be personal preference)....the music picks aren't to distract my mind, they are to heal my soul, if you will. I find that I cry alot doing this, but I can function pretty calmly -- I'll use periods of time to do what I have to in these days, but deliberately set time aside to do what I said above. The tears just come, but when they do, I don't feel the hurt anymore -- how can I say this better.....they are like "tears from nowhere." Hope this helps, Linda
  2. Got to say this rubs me the wrong way too. My first reaction was "well, get back to me when you've lost your mom, then we'll see." And just what does it mean to "be strong" and "move on?" Like none of us are? Goodness, it'll be 3 years on my dad in April and I can't say that I'm "over it" yet. Mom's will be 2 years in July......I'm with Katie on this one: I don't think you're ever really over it, you just learn how to go on living with loss. Linda
  3. A good friend of mine who had experienced significant loss in her life before me told me this -- it's from a bunch of research she did to sort out what was happening to her over the years after loss, but she never gave me the book names or where she got this information: To expect that significant dates such as the one you are in now to bring up the same feelings you had at the time -- our bodies have been "imprinted" if you will with the memory of our reaction because they were so emotionally charged for us at the time. It's not uncommon to notice a fogginess in decision-making, fatigue, and a rush of those emotions around those dates (i.e. reliving those days all over again with the same emotions). It can begin as early as a week or two before the date and hang on for a week or two after as well. It can be quite debilitating too: it was affecting my friend's ability to do her job effectively at these times. Folks began commenting to her how she didn't seem "right" -- this is what got her to research it and that's when she made the connection....she hadn't realized at the time that it was occuring around these anniversary dates for her. My friend warned me about this so I was prepared to not make any significant decisions and just be kind to myself at these anniversary dates. I'm only in my second "cycle" of this since losing my folks....she says that this comes up annually for at least several years, but it does diminish as each anniversary passes over time. I've found this to be true personally so far. It's probably a phenomena that's not limited to parent-child loss, but my friend is a parent who had unexpectedly lost her son some years ago. Linda
  4. Thanks for all of the support gang -- everyone here is simply the best! I did uncover a huge body of new evidence today that has me seriously considering not taking the Chantix. Much more serious side effects other than the behavior change stuff I already knew about, from folks who have taken it for months. A friend I know who works in a pharmacy has not encountered what I found today. RandyW...if you want my links, I'll be happy to give them to you for your review to see if you think they are viable sources to post -- they are personal accounts of many folks who have taken the drug. I'm obviously looking at them for my personal information -- whether they pass the muster of enough public credibility for others.....that's a tough call for me to make -- the heart problem potential is important to me personally as my family has a history of heart issues even though I currently have none. Anti-depressants are not an option for me. I've been down that road before and all they do is give me migraines (really fast too). Of all things, my doc. has me use melatonin for anxiety (when I remember to take it at nite during stressful times ). Not to worry though, my quit date stands -- it just might be back to cold turkey, that's all . Linda
  5. Boy, lots of great insights here. It's important to try not put the burden of outcome on your shoulders like that. May be easier to say than feel, but you've got to let yourself off the mistake hook. All of us get more proficient as we tackle issues, any issues, in life and none of us start out "perfect" (nor am I sure that we ever end up "perfect" in life....it seems that there's always more to discover). I resolved the consequences of my decisions by reflecting that I had made the best decision I could with what I knew at the time that I had to make each decision along the way...that has to be enough. All the best to you, Linda
  6. Thanks for all of your support. That's one awesome website KatieB and will help a lot. Probably will find out where there's local support group(s) as well: formal support groups generally don't work too well with me, but....never say never. I'm aware of the FDA investigation on Chantix -- read it here first a bit ago from a RandyW post ; did more research on that issue and from what I can tell, it's got to be related to the use of nicotine as an anti-depressant by the body (so I've got to know what I'm going to do with that as anxiety/mild depression is already a factor in my life from what I see in me and I've already been making some life changes to cope). I did discuss the FDA issue with my doc., but I've got to be frank.....I don't find that medicine provides near the information a patient really needs; nor do they have the time anymore to be like the oldtime "country doc" who was also more of a friend who seemed to care. I pretty much get cut off with my questions or they don't know and.....they've got to be sure to get in everything they want to lecture on (like that extra weight I put on from stress response during mom's dx and not much has come off yet ... life has still been stressful over the last year, but I'm now over the major hump of dealing with all that "new stuff" I had to do): I find it ridiculous to spend my office visit on obvious issues (which I had already talked to my doc. about in the past) that aren't related to what I'm in the office for. My doc. doesn't appear to acknowledge all the side effects that are possible -- I already know what my friends went through and it wasn't serious (digestive stuff), just unpleasant and one of them told me what worked for her to get them to cease. My doc. did mention hearing of nightmares and changes in dream states, but she discounts that being from the drug....I don't, but we'll see: no one I know has reported this happening. The anxiety and behavior changes potential is one reason my neighbor and I will be checking in with each other regularly....we know each other really well. And, I'm gutsy enough to haul myself or my neighbor to the ER if necessary or call 911 if I smell a serious problem -- life's just too precious. OK that was a half a so-off-topic vent I suppose. Chantix is something I've wanted to use on this attempt for almost a year now -- if I have to switch to cold turkey or nicotine replacement along the way, that's fine. The key to me is to somehow return to that mentality of a never smoker (I swear it can be done). Linda
  7. Your job will be as someone whom I am accountable to when I quit smoking -- not so much like a military general, but someone whom I can PM when the emotional urge is on and I have no one to turn to, if necessary. It would help if I had a folk or two who have done this a bit ago and could potentially help me on a PM basis with other issues that might come up, like weight gain.....you know, advice of what I could do for those bumps that might happen. I saw that "Breathe Free" Oprah show, DonnaG....it was really good. I took the quiz on her website....I'm definitely a coping with anxiety type smoker rather than someone who just can't live without those cigs. for the sake of some smoking pleasure -- there's just no pleasure in it for me and there hasn't been for some time now. So far, I got an Rx for Chantix today from my doc and I will begin taking it on February 25th -- I've set that date because I will be going away in about 3 weeks and weeks 2-4 are when some of my friends experienced some rather unpleasant side effects from Chantix.....just not willing to deal with what they told me about while I am away for a couple of weeks. I'll get that filled and ready to go...plus I have Commit lozenges already on hand. I'll be getting the cars, clothes and the house cleaned too .... I remember that smell from my last quit attempts and I'd rather not smell that again if I can avoid it. I also have my neighbor at the end of my driveway as a "stop smoking" buddy support. Called her today and it turns out she just started Chantix this week! Her and I have also formed a buddy pact as of today.....hopefully we will be successful at supporting each other in this. I'm asking this here because all of my closest friends smoke. My doc. tells me that they are seeing 60% success with Chantix and I'd sure like to see this one stick. We'd communicate via PM here as this issue really isn't what LCSC is about on the boards. Thanks in advance, Linda
  8. Randy: I never saw this post after I joined here -- thanks for bumping it.....it brought tears to my eyes -- not out of sadness, but because so much of what you had to say in that original post is what I would/could have said.....every medical person was kind.....we can't change the destiny of our loved one (my words), but we can support them as much as we can....oh heck Randy I'm just at a loss.....that was a beautiful post of yours. I told you in a recent private that I wanted to send you a blanket all the days of your life and I mean that....you are an exceptional being, Randy, and I don't mind saying that in public. Many hugs, Linda
  9. Linda661

    Bad Dream

    Teri: You're not alone in that kind of dream. I've had several dreams fairly recently of me and both of my parents....and I wasn't watching any medical shows on TV the night before, if that helps..... Both of my parents are present in my dream and there are arguments going on. These dreams seem to be more about me working out my hidden anger issues that I held back in life -- like I never felt that my mom would support me if I was ill or needed help...well, I never got to find that out in "real life" but it was a feeling of mine because of how I saw her as a person in life. I've had several of these kinds of dreams in the last few months. From what I surmise, it's our subconscious attempting to heal us by bringing up these kinds of scenarios for us to be aware of, feel, and move beyond..... Glad you brought this up. I thought these were rather odd and misplaced somehow -- they make more sense now. Not sure yet about what my dad was doing in the dreams....the focus so far has been with my mom....but they may not be over yet either. Linda P.S. Not sure if significant, but I am aware that they have passed in these dreams. Sometimes I bring that up in the dream
  10. Thank you Welthy for triggering my memory . Yes, my mom used a home nebulizer (though I don't remember at this point whether some of those nebulized meds had a steroid component or not...I think they did) and Advair diskus for bronchial constriction due to anxiety (plus some other oral anti-anxiety meds). I'm going to add to please not panic about the oxygen issue, in general. Oxygen is doing what it needs to without a worry about major obstructions somehow undermining it's effectiveness, from my experience. My mom was on 6 liters O2 continuous for much of the time -- that kept her oxygen saturation at 100% (she was stage 3b with pneumonia issues, among other things). There were points in her treatment that we were able to reduce her to 3 liters continuous.....oxygen therapy can go to 10+ liters continuous, if need be, from what I witnessed. Please do not stress that oxygen supplementation will some how fail your dad. The SOB issue is most likely from some contributing factor that your dad's medical team can address. By the way, Welthy is right about exercises for the lungs helping with the need for supplemental oxygen. My mom didn't get the spirometer therapy, but she did have physical therapy which required her to "work" her lungs -- that's how we were able to get her supplemental oxygen requirements down for periods of time. Other complications, in her case, thwarted our efforts , but it did work. One last thing since I'm on a roll here.....the measurements for supplemental oxygen support should have been made in both a resting state and "under work" state -- i.e. an evaluation of what happens to his oxygen saturation when he is active is important, not just what his saturation is when he is resting. All the best to you, Linda
  11. Talk with dad's medical team on this one ASAP -- it's not a good idea to adjust the oxygen flow on your own unless your medical team has trained you and you are doing it with the aid of something that goes on the fingertip to measure oxygen saturation in the body -- I forget the name of that gizmo now. The flow rate was set (or should have been) based on the oxygen saturation of the cells and we were told that over-saturation (i.e. more supplemental oxygen flow than was needed) can cause problems of its own. It's possible to have enough oxygen flow and yet feel short of breath from constricted and clogged air passages -- was a constant issue with my mom and her repeats with pneumonia -- there are inhaled breathing treatments that (I think) use steroids to help and meds to treat anxiety that help. Anxiety builds when a person feels short of breath and that anxiety can just constrict things worse....ask any asthmatic. Hope this helps and keep us posted. Linda
  12. Linda661

    wine

    Red wine is an excellent source of antioxidants and something called resveratrol, which research is finding is good for a whole host of things...one of which may be preventing and/or slowing the growth of lung cancer. Now, that said, let's not have everyone running for the bottle! Red wine is one of the highest in content for resveratrol among "foods," but there are other sources -- red grape juice included. White wine and other liquors do not have this property -- the benefits come from the skins, stems and seeds of grapes used for wine; if processing was different for white wine, I don't know if it would make a difference, but red wine just puts the entire grape (stem and all) in the vats during fermentation...other wines do not, from what I understand to date. My concern would be potential interactions with drugs. Wine does lower blood pressure, can act as a blood thinner (I think?)...among other things, I'm sure. I'd definitely notify your medical team if you are consuming wine or other "spirits." A glass or two may affect folks differently as your physique alone will determine how much is too much and that differs for folks. For those interested in the benefits without the worries of alcohol, resveratrol is available in local health food stores....I'd still cover that with your medical team first though. Linda
  13. Good to know about the lozenges -- when I get to my doc later this month, I'm definitely going to ask her about how to cope differently with the weak point of stress. Coping with anxiety seems to be a weak point in my life skills and she already knows that (even before the LC journey this was an issue) -- we already tried SSRIs for that and those don't work on me....all I get is a migraine headache from those and feel like I'm on speed or something (and that wasn't even on a full dose of what most people start with). And, I've talked to more folks (like counseling) over the years and that doesn't work for me either. Not sure if this will get off the thread topic, but it's not the everyday stresses that seem to trigger the cravings...it's the unexpected stresses (as far as I've noticed) -- anyone else notice that? Might really wind down to just being willful about the new that comes into our lives after all -- at some point, the new becomes "normal" now doesn't it (we all sure know that one here)? In case anyone out there is thinking of Chantix -- it definitely does have promise, but methinks this issue of knowing/planning what you are going to do with stress is the key to long-term success with kicking nicotine dependence. Chantix blocks the nicotine receptor sites in the brain -- no desire for nicotine, no desire to smoke or need any nicotine replacement. The reasons my 3 friends failed was (what the heck, I just asked them straight out): Two of them ran into digestive side effects (cramping, bloating, constipation, gas) at about weeks 3-4....uncomfortable enough that they quit the Chantix at that point. They both reported that while they were on it, they definitely had no cravings for cigarettes. The third friend also had experienced some of this, but found that being sure to drink more than enough water did away with those side effects. She also did not take full dose as she is rather petite -- she was on half dose; that also did away with her cravings. She successfully made it through the 12 weeks on Chantix and had quit for just over 4 months more -- a major stressful life event happened affecting her family and she started up again. Hmmmmm.....current/former smokers' bodies now physically want to run to nicotine to provide anti-anxiety effects -- what chemical/hormone would the body normally/naturally provide to counter anxiety? OK, I'm about to run into cell biology so I'll stop now -- this pending discussion with my doc. ought to be a doozy! Linda
  14. Hi Erin: Congrats on your smoke-free status!!! I'm interested in your thread as I have done a couple of quit attempts myself, but haven't been successful yet . I can't use the gum because of all of my dental work, but I've done the patch and cold turkey so far. I just might try Chantix next (I see the doc later this month), even though 3 people I know who used it last year were not successful in quitting with it (but I do know why they failed, that helps). Otherwise, I'll try lozenges out now....figure I'll discuss it with the doc. first though. From what I can find, freedom from nicotine dependence is definitely encouraged, but there really isn't much study on the long-term effects from nicotine replacement therapies. These links might help give you some info. on that: https://www.healthforums.com/library/1, ... 78,00.html http://quitsmoking.about.com/od/nrts/f/nicotinegum.htm http://72.14.205.104/search?q=cache:7CF ... d=25&gl=us Go to page 9 on the third link (that's where they specifically address long-term use). In a nutshell, there is some suggestion of a cancer threat from nicotine, though the literature admits more study needs to be done (and, yes, the literature says it is better than smoking). Some articles seem to point to potential cardiovascular effects and that has to do with how nicotine itself affects the body. The study literature does warn us, however, that the potential for relapse to smoking does exist when weaning off of these replacement therapies -- nicotine has an anti-depressive/anti-anxiety effect in the body so somehow we have to find another way to deal with stress other than nicotine use. I didn't really know that until recently (or it just didn't sink in ) -- that explains why those first few days when nicotine was going out of my system I honestly felt just fine, but the minute a stressful event happened, that's when I relapsed! As you can tell, I intend to be really prepared on what I am up against so as to not fall back this next time! Anyway, hope this helps. Linda
  15. I haven't posted much for months now. I intended to leave this site awhile ago, but find myself checking in from time to time because I just care about a lot of folks here and want to know how they're doing -- not so sure that's helped much....every loss or personal crisis of someone here tends to just hit me like it happened to my own family and me. What can I say....everyone here did become my second family because all of you did or are living through the same major life event as me. Maybe it seems so major to me since I don't have any family left now -- losing my mom to LC was my last blood relative that ever was in my life (and the few that are left that I know of....well, they might as well be strangers on the street -- I don't even know how to contact them and really don't care to: all of you literally know me better than them). Anyway, this might ramble, but I thought I'd share some reflections/insights of what has happened since I lost mom....who knows, it might help someone else. I'm into my 17th month after losing mom -- and my journey with mom on the LC dx happened only 7 months after I had unexpectedly lost my dad (in eight weeks from dx to passing) to a different cancer. Initially there was sheer shock for many months after mom passed. Quite frankly, that helped me deal with what I had to -- the world quickly demands much of a widow or family member who is the executor of their "estate"....the shock sort of numbed me emotionally so I could effectively deal with had to be done and that was a lot -- all those medical bills to boot. The real emotional boom didn't hit until the world didn't demand so much "official business" out of me. Grief counseling didn't personally fit me -- I tried, but what I found was that all I was doing was consoling and supporting everyone else, rather than doing any real healing on me -- spend enough time as a caretaker and it's as if all I did was habitually go into caretaker mode....maybe that's just me. If it's appropriate to you, absolutely pursue it....you absolutely need to find what will nuture and support you best. Having to deal with the "estate issues" put off my ability to even deal with personal items of my parents. To this day, I still have much sorting of personal items to go through. When I first began going through personal stuff, I couldn't do it for more than 5 minutes at a time without breaking down into tears. Then there's the issue of when you find something really personal, like my dad's counseling homework notes that included just how unhappy he was in his marriage.....things I didn't know about....well, that stops one in their tracks for a bit too. For a long time now I've gone through the feelings of "they are just on a long vacation." And yes, there's the dreaded comments from friends who wonder why you're not done with all that estate stuff and want to occupy you with things that just are empty, unfulfilling activities right now -- they have no clue just how long it physically takes to deal with loss. And....those sorrowful thoughts of everything you change is something your loved one isn't part of.....many, many threads in this forum on those things....absolutely true. A few insights though: 1. Don't be afraid to just be alone and let the racking sobs come for as long as they need to and as many times as they need to -- they seem to help, so I've found. Filling up time being busy just avoids the inevitable and makes things worse from what I can tell. Never have broken down with friends like I needed to.....it only happened when I was alone and let it happen. This goes for busy activities like "keeping house" too: you have no idea how bad my personal housekeeping has gotten at times -- pretty embarrassing to even think if someone had visited me or needed to stay overnight during some of our crazy weather.....many basics got left unattended for periods of time, like vacuuming all the cat hair out of my carpets/furniture or cleaning the shower -- the time I spent reflecting and "processing" my grief was more important than looking good for anyone else (of course, the minute it bothered me for me I tended to it....nurture self as self needs it). 2. To move forward with hope: reflect on all the qualities your loved one instilled in you -- you know....all those long conversations you had together; their experiences and wisdom on life; even their qualities that you admired so much in them.....recognize that you carry that in you too and can apply what they taught you in your life going forward. That's way cool in my book. 3. Form a new life for you: maybe this is more for children with parental loss but, as I sort through all the "stuff" around here.....many things really belonged as a part of my parents' life, not mine -- things they admired and collected, but have no meaning to me.....at first, I was going to hang on to that sort of stuff....now, I'm not. I need to make room for me and the new that my life will be. If a thing brings me pleasure or is truly sentimental to me then I'll keep it, otherwise it's outta' there -- otherwise I have no "room" to accept my future life. I'm finding this occurs in waves -- i.e. some stuff I was gonna' hang onto several months ago is now OK to get rid of....it's a process....just let it be that: a process. Anyway, this was sort of an update on me in a round-about way -- I'm doing fine and just found I needed to find a way to cultivate peace in my life after loss. I literally can't stay in the pain: I haven't even told everyone here the host of physical difficulties that occured as a result of this journey on me: in a nutshell, I'm not willing to die or have my quality of life compromised for something that is over for me, no matter how intense it was. This is a start at what I've learned so far.... Best Wishes, Linda
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