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Posts posted by Dreamweaver

  1. Eppy {{{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}

    It is so hard when our emotions are right on edge. I find that when I try to stay in control, then later on the littlest of things will set my emotions off. Am so sorry you had to see the poor kitty - but then again, am so glad the little girl had you there. Not only to take the kitty away, but also to see that it was Ok to cry, and that even adults need that release.

    Hold on tight to the many wonderful memories you have of your father. and don't be so hard on yourself sweetie, you are only human after all. *smile*



  2. I think it is so important to have this part of cancer addressed as well. Having a grieving room isn't taking away someone's hope - even through the stories here in this room - a person can find hope. how many of us had partners who lived long past the doctors date? And it also gives hope to those of us who have lost loved ones. Through the veterans here, we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And through the newer members, we know we are not alone in the fresh pain of a recent loss.

    In so many forums and online support groups, the hope is offered to those whoa re living as well as their loved ones. But once they have passed there is no place for the loved ones to post what they are going through. It's too hard for the ones who are still fighting to read. I found that so in Keiths group - when he passed it was a double edged sword. I didn't want to post about death in his forum.. 1) because I didn't want to take away others faith and hope of making it through.. 2) it was Keiths room, others were also trying to deal with his loss. I felt it wouldn't be fair for me to lay my griefs down, when I was there to be a support person for them. (Since I took over Keiths group).

    It was just through luck that I found you all here. I don't post often, but just knowing that should I need to post, to have a place to lay my burdens down etc. You are here, thats given me hope and the strength to get through many a rough days.

    Thank you -


  3. Karen -

    We don't know each other as I am a newdie here. But I wanted to jump in and say that I do know what you are saying. It is so very hard. The hardest is when everyones gone home and you realize the world really didn't stop when our loved ones passed over. Getting back into a routine is difficult - but so necessary..

    It sounds like you have alot of support from friends and loved ones, thats such a blessing. Keith and I didn't have that and it was truly missed.

    It's been almost 5 months for me now - and I can tell you it gets easier. There are still many days I reach for the phone to call him. But those times are fewer than they were a month ago - so I know it gets easier. However, there really is no timeline on grief. I think we will always have days when the "missing him" is almost too much to bear. Those are the days we need to allow ourselves time to grieve anew. There's nothing wrong with that - we are, after all, only human.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


  4. Will have to look it up. The song that I always think of Keith with is the country song, When I Get Where I'm Going. It's sung by Brad Paisly. The lyrics always makes me think of Keiths attitude towards death as well as the fact that he is now where he was going. Here's a link to a site that has the lyrics: http://lchelp.org/community/viewtopic.p ... 913#224913


    Here's the chorus:


    Yeah when I get where I'm going

    There'll be only happy tears

    I will shed the sins and struggles

    I have carried all these years

    And I'll leave my heart wide open

    I will love and have no fear

    Yeah when I get where I'm going

    Don't cry for me down here

  5. Thank you so much Mirril. There are days that seem easier. I have been doing alot of writing poetry.. it helps to voice the emotions etc.

    I see you are in Seoul, Korea. I was an army brat, and spent a few years there back in 69-71. Now I am just a brat ;)

    Someone told me yesterday that there would be a day when I would no longer grieve. I told him he was nuts. That things might get easier but I don't think one ever gets over the grief. It makes me nuts when people say such insensitive things.

    Another friend asked me if I thought I would get back together with an old boyfriend. This boyfriend and I broke up many many years ago but have remained dear friends. How is it that people think I want another relationship right now? *sigh* I just have to shrug my shoulders and walk away.



  6. Am so sorry for your recent loss. I know how painful it can be to lose someone you love so dearly.

    ((( gentle hugs )))

    But don't be a stranger here now that she has passed. You have so much to offer others going through this.. and the members here have so much to offer you as you go through the grieving process.



  7. It is hard for others to understand. When loved one is going through the last stages of cancer- your whole life is consumed with thoughts of them, with caring for them, with trying to get each moment you can with them etc.. and in a sense you lose you in it all. So when the person has passed over - you really aren't the same person you were... and you have to start a new journeyin discovering who you really are now. That journey can bring out all kinds of emotions... anger included. Throughout life you are always learning - that journey never ends. But the being angry, the mourning and the grief.. one day will lessen. Honest they will - but let them go in your own time.. There is no timeline for grief.. and we are all different in how we deal with it.

    Be kind to yourself.. and know your father really hasn't left.. He has just given up his earthly body. I bet he is watching over you now - and waiting for your smile.. and laughter to find their way back into your life. *smile*

  8. I live in MN, Keith lived in Nebraska and his brother lives in California. While I was in Arkansas hayes was at Keiths giving everything away.. and I mean everything. I had left Keiths pillow and some blankets I had given Keith there for hayes to use.. and asked him to please at least mail those to me. Instead he threw them all away when he was ready to leave.

    The deal was supposed to be that when I was driving home from Arkansas I would stop by and put the things I wanted in storage. (I had left him 60 dollars so he could rent me a storage unit) and then when I went to mayo my dad and I could stop by with a rented trailer and pick up the items I had wanted.

    When I stopped by on my way home, he had given everything away. And I mean everything. The clothes, the piano, the guitar, the futon, etc. I did get Keiths stereo. And half of his plants. (The other half I gave away to the people in town whom he held dear). On a previous occasion Keith had given me his CD collection since he had everything stored on his computer. Oh and I got his computer. (I grabbed it before Hayes threw it away) Keiths son did send me a CD with pictures of Keith on it. But thats about the extent of contact I have had with his family. They do occasionally stop by Keiths forum - but thats maybe once every few months. And thats OK with me.

    If you have a way to save your e-mails on a CD, that would be a great way to keep them all - and yet free up the space on your computer.

    Treasure each day you have with your Keith. I aws just telling another person in one of the forums I visit at Delphi - that she shouldn't spend so much time worrying about the what if's and spend more time loving and living in today. :)

    I hope you and Keith are having a wonderful day today. Give each other hugs from me.


  9. What a beautiful idea. You know the Christmas before Keith passed away he game me a journal.. because I had stopped writing poetry and things. He wanted me to find my "muse" saying I still had so many words left to share with the world. That journal still lies empty. Perhaps once I let the other feelings go I can find the peace I need to use the journal he gave me.

    Right now the co-host of Keiths support group is going through the last days with his wife, Patty. She has prety much lost her will to fight anymore.. And I struggle so hard to find the right words to comfort him. Sometimes I don't know if there are any right words left within me.

    Thank you so much for listening to what I needed to say - and understanding where I am at.

    I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry that anyone has the need to be here in this forum. Keith always said that he h oped the day would come when there was no need for his forum. I share those feelings.



  10. Keith left me Nove. 14th. and yet sometimes I would give my life to be able to pick up my phone and hear his voice. I wish I had the foresite to of recorded him talking.. It's funny how you can miss a voice so much. The way he would say I love you. Or when he was applauding my work on building themes.

    Keith and I met on the internet. He was homebound by the time we met - so I was the one who traveled to him. I also had a daughter at home who is now 19 but she is very mature for her age. So at first I would drive the 370 miles and spend 4-5 days there.. Then as my daughter got older I would spend up to a week. By the time Iris got 18 I was able to stay 2 or more weeks. By the time she was 19 Keith couldn't stay home alone.. so I was there 3 weeks then home one week. The week I was home Keith had to go in a nursing home.

    Sometimes I think, if I had only stayed there all the time he perhaps would still be alive now. You know how your mind plays tricks on you - and the guilt trips start. I know he was going downhill fast, I just didn't realize how fast it would be.

    Anywho - I was doing fine today.. Until a dear friend of mine e-mailed me some remembrance sigs she had made for me. I looked at it and it was like a slap across my face - a reminder as plain as day that he is no longer here.

    I think one reason I really have a problem with this is that Keiths family didn't want any kind of service, no memorial, nothing. He was just creamated and his brother took the ashes and that was it. I was just a girlfriend so I didn't have a say in any of that other than to try and tell them what Keith had told me.

    SO I didn't have closure.. and I am not sure if I have even come close to grieving yet. The week after Keith died I had to go to Arkansas for a family reunion. Then a week after getting home I had to start looking for a new place to live, since we were no longer eligible for the housing unit I was in *longer story* And had to prepare for Christmas as well. And after New Years I had to go to mayo for my own health issues. Then my daughter and I hd to move.. and still aren't completely unpacked. It's as if I stay busy I won't know he is gone. I think I am running away from it, or internalizing it. Etc. I can write poetry about how I feel.. and sometimes I sit here at the puter and cry. But - I know I am h olding so much inside. Anger at his family especially.. How does one merge all those feelings and come up with an OK one.

    Am so sorry for the long post - have a lot on my mind tonight and in my heart.


  11. Carol, Beth, Thomas & Malou

    Thank you so much for your welcomes. I was having a rough time today. A dear friend of mine made some remembrance sigs for me - and thats all it took to break mne down again. I am sure it will one day get easier. Today just isn't that day.

  12. I am so very sorry to read this news. ((( gentle hugs ))) I know that while he is at peace, you and his loved ones will need time to grieve the missing him.

    You shall all be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Pleae make sure you take special time to take care of you.


  13. Don't give up hope.. A positive attitude and a spirit of hope are sometimes the best meds there are. I know.. I had Keith and he outlived his doctors predictions by 11 years.

    I hope the new meds work.. I am on Lyrica for my Fibromyalgia. I have heard that for some people it gives them energy, others it makes them sleepy.. LOL I am not sure what it makes me..

    This is a wonderful group with many caring people, stay in touch. We are here for you when you need to rejoice, or scream, or cry, or even just sit silently and read.

    Hang in there.


  14. I am new here, so am just reading this thread. I am so very sorry to read of your Aunts passing. I know how hard it is, I can't imagine losing so many loved ones in such a short time. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    I can't imagine going through this without the comfort and help of the Lord. Thank goodness He is walking by your side, there to hold you up when you need His strength.

    May you find the inner strength you need to get through this.


  15. Some of you who have read my posts know I took over my boyfriends forum (Living With Cancer) when he passed away. My co-host, Rick has a wife who is dealing with cancer. He just wrote to me today telling me that Patty was not getting better and in fact had taken a turn for the worse, he says she has given up and he is running out of fuel as well. Please keep this family in your prayers that they have the strength they need for this part of their journey. And if indeed it is Patty's time to go, that Rick will find the inner strength he will need to go on and raise their teenager alone. My heart goes out to him as he and his wife have such a special love. The kind that only comes along once in a lifetime... and only then if you are lucky.

    Thank you.


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