EastCoastLadi
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Posts posted by EastCoastLadi
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Nova,
I know you'll do just fine. Just take your time, don't rush, as I tell my girls, you don't have to be perfect. I can relate alot to what you're going thru, I was lucky to be at home w/ my girls, but now after Carlton passed away I need a career, not just a "job", that's why I am trying to study for my law school entrance exam, but I can't over worry, I'll study a little bit, get my thoughts organized and do the best I can do.
I wish all the best....you're going to be OK!
take care,
Grace
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I know about living on your guard. I remember my husband playing "quen es macho" - meaning, sucking it all up, not complaining. Well I told him to stop that sh**.
So, when he didn't tell his dr. or nurses things that had happened to him, I sure did. So tell his dr. Again, we aren't doctors, but it could be side effects of chemo. or something else, even perhaps seizures, so tell.
I know the difficulty you are going thru, it is hard to put on that brave face.
please take care,
Grace
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I am so very, very sorry about your mom, my prayers go out to you and your family today.
Grace
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(((Don)))
you hit the nail on the head when you said stupid cancer, I would not be so "nice" in my adjectives.
I'm wishing and praying for all the best for you.
Stay strong!
take care,
Grace
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..this was posted on the young widow/ers board I go to, I was so touched by this, I wanted to post this for everyone to read.
Grace
Caregivers are Heroes
by Patti Moore
Each and every person who unselfishly cares for someone, providing love and compassion in the midst of unrelenting daily chores and responsibilities, is a hero in my mind. In my work with hospice I have seen caregivers face the most horrendous of situations. Their loved ones (our patients) had physical symptoms like uncontrollable pain, continuous diarrhea, constant vomiting, and huge wounds with complicated dressings needing to be changed often. Or, caregivers faced the emotional pain of losing someone who they could not imagine life without, or the spiritual pain of feeling as if God had forsaken them, and still they continued on like solders on the front line.
I have watched people like this in awe. Regular people, who do this day in and day out, continually loving and caring, true heroes of our society. Never receiving recognition or awards, medals or scholarships. But who quietly do their caring, never expecting anything in return, except a smile or a hug or a feeling of satisfaction that their loved one is clean and dry and resting. Those are their rewards.
Caregivers are experts, all of them, in the art of giving. Of giving that most valuable gift anyone ever has to give---their time and their heart. Just because they never took a formal course on how to care for someone, they are, whether they realize it or not, an expert. They became an expert the day they said, "yes" to caring for their loved one. Maybe they don't recall that moment when they became the one in charge. Maybe it was a subtle shift or maybe it was a sudden blow like a stroke or a heart attack and their lives changed forever. Whichever the situation, they have taken on that most honorable of role, a caregiver.
Those who never dreamed they could bathe an adult in a bed, or change an adult diaper or roll a wheelchair around the mall, or any of the million small care giving tasks they do daily, are now experts; experts in the art of love in action. Not everyone is given this opportunity; it is not for the faint of heart. It is for the lion-hearted. And they are bearing witness to the completeness and wholeness of life.
A complete life is never without shadow, and some of the power in life comes from its shadow qualities. Shadows provide depth and interest in what cannot be seen. Life without shadow is bland and flat. Have you ever sat outside in the sun, especially at the beach, and at some point you just had to go for some shade-or for the shadows? For to stay in the bright sunlight all the time would be too intense. But never forget, shadows cannot exist without light. The wholeness of life is made of light and shadow. A complete day is darkness and light. And the living of life is made up of both the darkness and the light. Without one, we cannot appreciate the other.
In the powerful book Care of the Soul, by Thomas Moore he says: "Care of the soul is not solving the puzzle of life, quite the opposite, it is an appreciation of the paradoxical mysteries that blend light and darkness into the grandeur of what human life and culture can be." One must learn to appreciate the darkness and the light.
Fear is the biggest immobilizer on the earth today. Fear can be the single largest factor to the lack of creativity on earth. "I'm not good enough, I don't know enough, I am a fake and someone, sometime will find out so I'd better not even try or quit now". Fear and courage, fear and faith. Surfacing at times when we least expect it. Present within all of us, but can we find the strength to pull up courage and faith when the chips seem to be all down? And how does one do that? Eleanor Roosevelt said "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do".
The wife who says, "I will care for my invalid husband, somehow, someway because he is my husband" has courage. Or the daughter who concedes she is no longer able to care for her mother and admits her to a nursing home has courage as well. Courage comes from someplace within us. It is there for all of us if we can hold fear at bay, long enough to allow courage to come to the surface. For each time you face something you think you cannot bear, your resolve and your courage becomes stronger, more real. Until one day you look in the mirror and say, "I can do this, I can get up each day, bathe and care for my loved one, clean, cook, shop, give medications, listen, comfort, organize, change diapers, wash dishes" and more, and more and do it all over again tomorrow and the next day and the next. Courage is saying: "Yes, I can and I will care for my loved one when everyone else says 'put him in a home'. " Or courage is saying: "Yes, I will be with you when you die because I am your friend and I will not allow you to be alone". With each "yes" comes new strength. With each "yes" come new discoveries of yourself, of the depths you never knew yourself capable of. With each "yes' comes peace. Courage is not just about fighting the bad guys. It can be about finding out you have a chronic illness and not letting the illness define you. It is about staying in charge of your own life regardless of the circumstances.
Courage is about finding the strength to face the soft under belly of fear and not being consumed by it.
In the wonderful book Tuesdays with Morrie the author Mitch Albom writes about spending each Tuesday with his old professor Morrie Schwartz and learning the last and greatest, lesson of life---the lesson of living until you die. It was about a man with Lou Gerhigs disease or ALS. His entire body would become helpless and eventually not have the muscle strength to breathe. However, Morrie had an outlook on life that was nothing short of miraculous.
When Mitch asked him about what he thought the meaning of life was, this man, who could not walk or move without help said: "Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." And he goes on to say "Why do you think it's so important for me to hear other people's problems? Don't I have enough pain and suffering of my own? Of course I do. But giving to other people is what makes me feel alive. Not my car or my house. Not what I look like in the mirror. When I give my time, when I can make someone smile after they were feeling sad, it is as close to healthy as I ever feel. Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, and you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
This said by a man living in a body that no longer worked. Morrie had a faith that helped him transcend a non-functioning body.
Faith is an important aspect of being a caregiver. When I hired staff to work in hospice I would ask them if they had a faith or a strong belief system that would allow them to step into the "valley of the shadow of death" every day and not be consumed by it. Only those people with a strong faith lasted in hospice work. And I do not mean religion. Although for many people it is their lifeline. Believing in the dignity of a human life and respecting everyone, because we are all here doing the best we can with what we've got. We had staff members who were Christian, Jewish, Buddhist and those with a personal belief in a higher power in the universe that did not have a name. It did not matter what or who they believed in, what mattered was they believed they had some source of strength within themselves to draw upon when they felt overwhelmed.
My hope is that those people who so unselfishly care for others, discover their own strengths and courage by facing their fears. And in doing so, discover that the shadows don't always hold monsters ready to leap in the dark of night, and light always comes after the darkness, displaying the richness of life's gifts. And when they look in the mirror, they will see the reflection of a beautiful human being, an American hero who has learned to serve others with love and compassion.
Patti Moore
President and Founder of
The Watershed Group
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Debi,
Carlton had IMRT the 2nd time his brain mets came back. From what I remember IMRT is from what I remember a more "precise" type of rad., at least with Carlton, first there had to be mapping done on the computer, he had an entire program for him, he also got tatooed, he went everyday for 5 weeks, his treatments were 30 mins each time, it was a slow and precise process. since his were brain mets, he had a mask made for him,he had to lie still, I guess it was the bringing together the computer and rad.
sorry I wish I had more info.
Grace
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I very sorry, my prayers to you and your family today.
Grace
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Nova,
I'm so sorry to hear about Harry, and I do know a little bit about Taxol, Carlton had tried it once during his treatment.
His experience with it wasn't good, he had a very bad allergic reaction and couldn't breathe and ended up in the ER. The strangest thing with it, was that he had taken Taxol in his first treatment and nothing happened. So I know you will be able to find out more. Tell Harry I wish him all the best.
Grace
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....thank you, for you.
is what my husband, Carlton wrote in a mothers day card in 2005 to me. I found it yesterday, looking through some old papers.
that's the way Carlton was, simple, yet profound with his feelings. But with that came much love.
this past Saturday the 21st, was five months since he died. It was also my nephews' 5th birthday. one life no longer here, another just so young.
I once wrote to someone "there is no syllabus for grief". I just live in the moment with my daughters.
I think out of all the things I will never get over, is that my girls will never, ever have a daddy again, like Carlton, that loved them so much.
I will never, ever have his love.
I saw Tammy Faye Messner on Larry King live last Thursday, something she said, simple yet profound struck me, she wasn't really afraid to die, it was her children she was afraid for.
I came to the realization that perhaps Carlton was meant to die the way he did. If he was aware of his dying, I think it would of been such incredible mental torture to him for the girls and I to see him whither away. Perhaps him being out of it made it easier for all of us.
Grace
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Debi,
I just read your update on Tony, I'm so sad to hear the news. I'm hoping and praying for the best, Tony is on tough guy and he's got the fighting attitude.
Grace
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(((Debi))),
I'm sending all my best to Tony and you today.
Grace
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(((Teri)))
My heart sank when I read the news about Bill, you know I know, my heart and prayers go out to you. Bill doesn't have to deal with this &*@#$#$ anymore! I want you to take it easy as possible, I know you're on autopilot. I will be PM'ing you soon.
Grace
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(((Carleen)))
I've often thought about you and wondered how you were doing. When Carlton was in his final days and I would come on here and tell everyone what was going on, I thought of you and Keiths' last days. It is too difficult, I know all about putting on "the face", hell, I'm doing that now, I wrote on ywbb a post titled "so who can I cry to?", the feeling of being a burden to others is awful. I know that I am the only one who can feel and go thru my pain.
It can be very difficult to look at yourself and think highly of you, it's like to say something good, means like it's taking away from the loss that you have.
Carleen, it isn't fair at all, for our soulmates to be taken from us, so soon, all of our plans, hopes and loves feel like they have been smashed to bits.
Like you, I take it one day, one moment.
please PM me anytime, I'm thinking of you.
Grace
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(((Cindy)))
I'm so sorry, please take some comfort in knowing his pain is over. I know right now you're on autopilot, that's ok. I want you to know please PM me if you need to, I'm here for you.
my prayers to you and your family today.
Grace
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I'm so sorry to hear this sad news. My prayers go out to her and her family at this difficult time.
Grace
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(((Tanner)))
I am so very sorry, I know what you meant, it's not fair, right now you probably feel like you're in shock, or some kind of fog. As you can see, I lost my husband Carlton, 4 months ago. I can't express in words what I had and am still going thru. Please know it is very important to have support, whether it be from family and friends, or others, such as us here or support groups, you may not realize it now, but it is very important.
Please PM me if you need to.
My prayers go out to you.
Grace
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(((Melinda)))
I know, I often ask, how much an one person take? and you know I also know, all to very well, just being here by myself, it's hard and not fair, you know I'm here for you..
Grace
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I'm very sorry, I know how it is, of course, making your friend pain free is the number 1 thing right now. that was all I wanted for my husband in his final days and was told he was. all my prayers for your friend tonight.
Grace
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thanks Connie for the info. I'm pulling for Nancy, she's such a fighter, and so determined and full of positive energy, I'm sending prayers her way.
Grace
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(((Nova)))
I know, I've been there and hated it so much. You're exhausted, angry, tired and so very worried about your husband.
The feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming. I know the difficulty of trying to "take it easy", so I will tell you, it's ok to feel and react the way you are.
I found that I went into that "autopilot" mode when things started to happen to Carlton, I don't know what sustained me, just taking it moment by moment, the care and love of many, but I did.
You know that you have an incredible support system here, I remember all too well and remember all the love and support from many here, which was a comfort to me.
I'm here for you,
Grace
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(((Melinda))))
you know I'm here for you. just last month the girls and I had a "little party" for Carltons' birthday, with all his favorites. I too still ask why? but I have to accept that that question will probably never get answered.
Grace
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This has been a hard thing to think about, the first time fathers' day the my girls (9 and 12) won't have daddy. What I have done is tell them that whatever they want to do or not do will be ok with me. My oldest says she wants steak ( Carltons' favorite), my youngest wants to release some balloons up to daddy.
Of course I lost my dad too, this will be my second one without him, so I know how you feel.
Grace
Am I Crazy?
in GRIEF
Posted
(((Teri)))
you know I know!, I can't believe this months Carlton will be gone for 8 months, I still don't believe it! Has reality set in for me, in all honesty, partly yes, partly no, I still cry everyday, but I have to go on. The hardest part that I have with all of this is that Carlton no longer exists in this world, nevermind his role as a father or husband, he's not living! If you got to know him, he'd walk into a room and everyone noticed, he was "full of life", people only knew me as "Carltons' wife".
I am sadden now, by the fact that I still love him so very much, but am so alone and lonely.
Yes, I have things to keep me busy, but not 24/7.
There are times when I have wonderful memories and feelings of Carlton, only in an instant to have that taken all away with the reality that he is gone.
there's no right way to grieve, or to live after this, we just keep on, I've learnt that I can't sweat over the petty stuff because life can change so very fast in an instant.
Teri - you know I'm here for you, PM me anytime.
take care,
Grace