EastCoastLadi

February 20, 2007

I'm back from a very restless night at the hospital. Carlton is such a fighter! But yesterday was so difficult, the girls saying goodbye to daddy, they are such beautiful young ladies! I found out that ones heart can break over and over and over.

So i stayed the night and now Carlton has spiked a temp. of about 102. so it was tylenol and ice bags for him, I know he is still young and has an incredibly strong body and mind, he just doesn't want to let go, unfortunately, it is a battle that he will lose...

We're continuing the care and comfort, of course, and I now feel like I'm part of the hospital "family", I've told Carltons' story, and our story....over and over to so many

I'm in this incredible fog, I'm dreaming weird dreams, but I can't remember them, except that they were weird.

but I am "so" getting "it" - I know you know, I don't have to explain it further....

I am so fortunate to have such loving and caring friends here.....

much love,

Grace

February 19, 2007

I feel the end is near, he is much worse than yesterday. I am taking the girls up to the hospital one last time to say their goodbyes and love you to their daddy....

I will be spending the night....

once again, thank you, send me your strength ...... i will hold his hand tight and just love him....

luv

Grace

February 19, 2007

I'm home for the night, last night was very difficult, alot of chain stokes breathing, very aggitated, very congested. I thought last night would be my last Saturday night with him. But he made it thru the night, got a "patch" behind his ear, like a dramamine and a sublingual pill for under his tongue to dry up all the mucus, and it has done wonders.

Today I went home in the morning, after little to no sleep and came back this afternoon, believe it or not, he looks wonderful! he's not in distress, he looks so comfortable, still has those chain stokes breathing, but can hardly hear any fluids in his lungs and throat. but still nonresponsive, I'm wondering...

I'm at an ethical delemina, should I question the drs. and test him to see what his brain functions are? The rest of his body is strong, his heart is incredibly strong, he can breathe on his own w/ no problems, and his vitals are great. but should i do more for him, like a feeding tube, should I have them give him for than comfort and care.

but then, I know the cancer is spreading, do I want to do measures that prolong his life, only to create more pain for him to only live longer but in agony?

or do I just continue to do and let Carlton, nature and God runs his course?

of course, i don't know what the minutes, seconds, bring for Carlton, I left him, he was very comfortable, had the radio playing some music that I know that he loves. A fan blowing a cool breeze, the lights are dim.....

much love,

Grace

February 17, 2007

I wanted to let you know Carlton is now in a total unconscious/coma state. He is on continous morphine drip. His systems are starting to shut down, breathing is getting more labored. But he is comfortable. He has an air mattress in his room, and I bought a cd player up to his room and I'm having the nurses and staff, play his favorite music.

I'm still in a total state of shock, but my girls got to see him one last time on thurs nite, and last night my family came to see him. his aunt, who is like his second mom, is trying to get up sunday to see him, I'm going to spend the night w/ him after I spend some time with the girls today.

I spoke w/ all his drs. they assure me I did the right thing, his onc. told me if I go home and he does die while I'm not w/ him, not to feel guilty, I did everything I could and he told me that he has seen alot of people who wait till they are alone to pass on.

I love my husband!

I will miss Carlton....

letting him go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do...

Grace

February 17, 2007

(((Randy)))

Big warm hug for you tonite....

Grace

February 15, 2007

I had a very upsetting afternoon today, Carlton was moved from ICU up to a Med/Surg floor, we waited 3 days for what I thought was going to be a private room, when we got there, not only was it not a private room, but incredibly small, couldn't fit a chair and there was another patient, what had a few visitors, who were laughing, talking. So I lost it,

I pulled the curtain all around Carlton and sobbed uncontrollably.

I rang for the nurse, when she got here, I told her that I was told Carlton was to be a private room, that that would be where he was going to die, and that it was unacceptable, for me to bring my young children, and any family members. I wanted somewhere quiet, were family and friends could visit and for him to die in peace.

they told me they would try, I left, cried uncontrollably and called the social worker at the cancer ctr. she wasn't much of a help, you see the hospital was under a "census crisis" - pretty much full capacity, well I thought waiting 3 days for my terminally ill husband was enough of a wait....

..but I just called the hospital, he got his private room, now I hope that he will be able to stay there...i can't believe this is happening, this is the final stages of his life...I'm just not ready, I don't know how much more I can take,

my heart is broken, my soul aches, it's too painful, why?, did I make the right decision in doing a DNR?, just providing "care and comfort" measures, means, IV, with meds for seizures, steroids, and morphine if he needs it. but no monitors, no feeding tube...what am I doing?

As much as I want him back, I don't want him to suffer.....

Grace

February 15, 2007

I'm here...thank you for all of your concerns, Carlton is stable, by that meaning that he is considered in a "semi-comatose" state, his vitals are stable and they seems to have gotten his seizures under control.

But i'm totally a wreck, today here outside is just a mess and I couldn't go up to the hospital to see him, so last night I bought him up a get well card from my oldest daughters' class and a silk red rose and a valentines' day card from me. It was so difficult to pick one out, everything I read one, it was too much, a women beside me in the store was trying to pick one out for her husband and turned to me and said, it's so difficult, if she only knew....

People tell me I am strong, but i'm not, I'm just numb, I break down so very often, I'm so heartbroken, and can't sleep, eating junk and just forgetting everything...

I was lying in bed last night thinking about when I would come here and read when others were going through your/their losses, my heart would always go out and I would say, sorry and send prayers, but now it is happening to me and I now "get it"..and Carlton is still here..but I know when he passes ( and the drs. don't think it will be very long - his onc. said perhaps 2 weeks at the most. - but no one really knows) I will go through this hideous grief, the longing for my love, my life, the only man I ever wanted.

but tonite, he "sleeps" in ICU, still waiting for a bed in a private room. and Yes, I made the decision, that I wanted him at the hospital till the end, no "nursing home" and for him to come home now, it's not an option. I guess this is just the way it was meant to be, but it's happening so fast..

but at least for now he isn't in pain, I will be up to see him tomorrow, I'll talk, give him kisses, help wet his lips, watch some tv, read to him, remenis about everything and anything. While I sit and hold his hand...I'm still looking for a sign...I still don't know if it will happen...

once again, you all mean so much to me....I know it may be anytime of day or nite when it is too much, but you will all be here.

much love

Grace

ps thats' a pic of Carlton - it was taken at Lake Champlain, Vermont this summer.....it was our last family vacation together

February 15, 2007

I'm here...thank you for all of your concerns, Carlton is stable, by that meaning that he is considered in a "semi-comatose" state, his vitals are stable and they seems to have gotten his seizures under control.

But i'm totally a wreck, today here outside is just a mess and I couldn't go up to the hospital to see him, so last night I bought him up a get well card from my oldest daughters' class and a silk red rose and a valentines' day card from me. It was so difficult to pick one out, everything I read one, it was too much, a women beside me in the store was trying to pick one out for her husband and turned to me and said, it's so difficult, if she only knew....

People tell me I am strong, but i'm not, I'm just numb, I break down so very often, I'm so heartbroken, and can't sleep, eating junk and just forgetting everything...

I was lying in bed last night thinking about when I would come here and read when others were going through your/their losses, my heart would always go out and I would say, sorry and send prayers, but now it is happening to me and I now "get it"..and Carlton is still here..but I know when he passes ( and the drs. don't think it will be very long - his onc. said perhaps 2 weeks at the most. - but no one really knows) I will go through this hideous grief, the longing for my love, my life, the only man I ever wanted.

but tonite, he "sleeps" in ICU, still waiting for a bed in a private room. and Yes, I made the decision, that I wanted him at the hospital till the end, no "nursing home" and for him to come home now, it's not an option. I guess this is just the way it was meant to be, but it's happening so fast..

but at least for now he isn't in pain, I will be up to see him tomorrow, I'll talk, give him kisses, help wet his lips, watch some tv, read to him, remenis about everything and anything. While I sit and hold his hand...I'm still looking for a sign...I still don't know if it will happen...

once again, you all mean so much to me....I know it may be anytime of day or nite when it is too much, but you will all be here.

much love

Grace

ps thats' a pic of Carlton - it was taken at Lake Champlain, Vermont this summer.....it was our last family vacation together

February 13, 2007

Once again, thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I am home for a few hours to try to get some type of rest. Carlton is still in the ICU, he is on Ativan IV and now Morphine for any pain and distress. It was hard to leave him tonite, but I knew I had to get some rest, and I needed to call his brother on the west coast.

Right now I am on autopilot. I know that my decision to let him go is the right decision, I know that Carlton would not want to be in the state he is in right now, even though he is one of the most courageous, toughest person I have ever met. Perhaps there is a part of me that is still in denial, thinking maybe miracles do exist and perhaps if I talk to him, hold his hand and tell him how much I love him, that perhaps he may respond to me.

I told them at the hospital to please call me, if anything happens, the one thing I do not want to happen is for him to die alone.

and on top of all of this, a nor'easter is coming our way, and Valentines' day is tomorrow, I don't want my love to be taken away from me on a day that we celebrate our loves...

I will keep in touch..

much love

Grace

February 13, 2007

It's been a very tough day, I went in this morning and was told they brought him down to ICU, he was seizuring, this continued for 4 hours. So I made the decision to DNR and just provide comfort and care, he is totally out of it. My girls came up and saw their daddy, it was so very heartbreaking, thank goodness the social worker from the cancer center was there along w/ my husbands oncologist and they were wonderful w/ my girls.

I don't know how much longer, it's happening so fast, I know that he will not be in pain...

Grace

February 10, 2007

Kaffie,

I wondered where you were, I'm so glad you've come back....

Grace

February 10, 2007

Betty,

I am so very sorry about your sister, my heart and prayers go out to you.

Grace

February 9, 2007

quick update,

after 4 falls, and total unable to stand...called the onc. he said back to hospital, he thinks rehab may be the best for him, but husband wants to do chemo on monday, so we think hospital best setting, just waitinf for call from hospital for his bed to be ready....

will update when i can...

Grace

February 9, 2007

Gosh, there is so much going on here, my tears today have been mixed, first hearing about Frank, what a genuine, kind, spirit, God has called to heaven, I pour a drink and toasted to Frank, and asked him if he would save a spot for my husband.

As you may know Carlton came home Monday night, alot better than a week ago Tuesday. On tues. the Visiting nurse came in for assessment, and the physical therapist. He will be seeing them a couple of times a week, but he doesn't want any home health aide, or a hospital bed.

But on Tuesday, it was rough, he started to have uncontrollable "seizures" - "focal/petite mal" on his left side, thank God for ativan, but Carlton is obviously much slower, in everything he does, says or thinks. He is on so many damn pills, at least he can swallow. But he is stubborn as all hell, and I guess I rather have him around like this, than not at all.

It looks like it is getting more and more difficult for him and for me, I am so fragmented, the girls, even though they won't show it are having an enormously tough time with this.

But today, we met w/ the oncologist. and had "the talk"....I don't have to go into all the details, but basically, tumors in the brain have grown, the cancer obviously has spread, there are not alot of options, quality of life vs. quantity. But my husband wants to fight, so now the dr. is going to start Carlton on IV ireacotan)) my spelling bites!), only 60 mg ( 1/2 dosage) every week, to see how well he can tolerate it. I trust the dr. he's a very good man.

..but later on this afternoon, Carlton was having even more intense, "focal seizures"....I gave him 2 mgs of ativan, and he was still having them 1 1/2 hrs into. So I called the onc. office, I was amazed he spoke to me directly, he told me to up his dexamethadone and I can give him a couple of mgs more of ativan, if he needs it. But of course, 911 if he has a major seizure. This is the brain tumors.....I got him to sleep...

but later on this evening, he tried to go to the bathroom, and my youngest heard a thump, and I ran up. he fell, trying to go to the bathroom, he was bleeding, he scaped his arm something bad, but now, you got to throw embarassment and shame out the window, and take care of, and let the ones you love take care of you....I got him bandaged up....and changed his clothes - (I made him put on "depends"), I told him, just for tonight, thats all. He said I wasn't treating him w/ dignity. I have all the dignity for my husband, my methods may need to be tuned up, but I wanted him not to hurt himself and not be in pain....

...I don't know how long he has.....no body knows.....but all I can tell you is that, yes he is dying, I am on "autopilot". I am so grateful that you all exist and that this place exists, you are part of my rock, my lean on, my comfort......

Thank u,

luv

Grace

February 8, 2007

Rest in peace Frankie - tonite I will hold high my glass and toast to you!!!!

Grace

February 7, 2007

(((Betty)))

My heart is so heavy, there is so much going on with our love ones. Prayers for your sister for peace and prayers for you for strength.

Grace

February 6, 2007

....once again, I can't thank everyone enough for all the love and support

...the news is Carlton is home! ...we got home just a little while ago. he is still shakey, and boy is there alot of work to be done...

tomorrow the visiting nurse will come, evaluate him, and his medicine. He has a few new meds, so I have got to read up on...but they also sent him home w/ a walker and a comode, they wanted to send a hospital bed, but he refused.

I'm glad that I don't have to work for the next few days because I'm going to have to get this all in place, nurses, physical therapy, occupational therapy, setting up labs to take his blood at home. making drs. appointments. his onc came in to see us, he wants to see us on thurs., we're going to go over everything, MRI results, other blood work he did, and he's been brainstorming and has got an idea of two he wants to present to us.

of course, it is very exhausting, and while I am not in my "crisis" mode, it still his overwhelming...

..I apologize for not being more supportive of everyone here and what is going on with all of you, I think perhaps I will be able to come on here and catch up with what is going on....and my prayers and thoughts go out to everyone......

....I need all of you and I hope I can do the same..

lots of luv,

Grace

February 4, 2007

Thank you again for the thoughts and prayers....

As far as how Carlton is doing, much better! ...he's talking more, not the potty mouth, but he is still agitated, I think it's mainly from the steroids and the fact that Carlton absolutely hates hospitals!

Also they moved him upstairs to a private room, alot less chaotic, I know that with alot of stimuli, it definitely upsets him. He had a cathadar(sp), awful!...but its' out, no restricted diet and he was able to walk better with the help of only one person!

But, and I hate buts, comes the other side, first he wants to come home, but not yet, so he takes all of his anger and frustrations on me! ( you always hurt the one you love!).

I also met w/ his oncologist yesterday, and not such good news, he looked at the initial reports of his MRI he had yesterday and it looks like the brain tumors have grown, thus causing all the trouble.

we ( onc. and I ) had a long, private talk yesterday, he's concerned about the girls and I, we wants Carlton to go to rehab for about a week, to let him recover more and give me a chance to rest and put things together.

In the right now, chemo isn't going to happen, because it appears that the etoposide didn't help this time around. He discussed whether or not, the decision of quality of life versus quantity of life, like a prolonging of life w/ chemo, but causing his quality to be low....

I hate this, drs, social workers, visiting nurses, hospice, rehab.....

No matter how hard I thought I was prepared, this has so thrown me for a loop.

..but as Carltons' abilities are coming back, it really is up to him in those moments of clarity and competence.

..one day at a time....

I am so overwhelmed by all of you with your support and prayers, I can't articulate with the right words how I need you all so much and you are here for me....it's a great comfort.

luv

Grace

MEMBER UPDATES · February 4, 2007