TamHol

I have a 14 year old and he was 12 when my Dad found out about his cancer. Dean's problem was the uncertainty of the heart and its ability to with stand the "new job". He was visibly scared for the first while of my Dad napping on the couch or in his bed. He's not good at a poker face or actions. So we sit him down and talk to him and we get nothing in return. He nods and listens and his eyes water but nothing else comes out of it. The biggest thing I've noticed is that he's constantly got his ear out. So I don't whisper, it seems to be the only way he wants to be kept informed right now. I don't see a promblem with that at all except that it has to be equal information, good and bad, he's hearing. I find that he's very comfortable with this method and as long as he's interested and receiving, I'm quite happy too. When he seems confused, I bring it up to him in a casual enviroment. We have two computers, so I'll go and use the computer beside him, he always asks "whatchya doin?". "Oh I'm writing a note to Popa's family in the East coast to keep them up dated." I'll read it out and purposely miss items that he will correct me on ... "oh ya thanks" I say. Then the rest seems to follow that, it's sneaky but it works. Good or bad he will ask his questions and I will answer, I think it's the face to face part that hurts the most with Dean. I find he gives body language like he's trapped or just flat out uncomfortable. Can't say I blame him! Maybe that's an option for you? Find a way to eliminate the face to face and you may find she opens up more. Tammy

The ct scan is showing cancer in the liver, the gall bladder is still a possible problem too. The objective is to get him home for Christmas. The specialist says he may do the scope procedure to insert a shunt in the liver for drainage. If he does he assures us it will be in the next day or so he can be home! He's okay outwardly, other than the yellow-Jondious skin and pain in his belly you'd think he's just an aging man. At least that is something to be great full for! I'm sure he'll be home with a morphine pump ... which has become his brand new best friend since Friday! My sister that he lives with is planning where the hospital bed will go at the house etc. She said "I may sound selfish but I don't want him taken care of by someone else". Of course there was an exchange of ideas regarding the fact that it's just not up to her, maybe not even Dad at some point. She has no idea what she's getting in to with that idea, if she drank to get rid of the diagnosis at first. What makes her think she'll be anything but in the way of a full hospital care unit in her living room? Heck yesterday at the hospital I was trying to be nice saying "coffee break, lets go!" but the chick wasn't getting it. We were to leave as the nurse stood waiting to get near him so he could snooze and get a new IV etc. Finally I just piped up saying "OK lets go, your just in the way now." I don't get it, it's stupidity to me! She leaves the man stranded and late to pick him up at places. Leaves him sitting alone almost every night and over the weekends to party and sleep at a friends house to the point Dad says "ya, it gets a bit lonely over here". But put the man in the hospital and she's all over him like a dirty shirt. She's going to annoy me I know, and hopefully she'll have all her teeth in tacked when it's over.

My Dad's in the hospital for at least the weekend, we thought it was the colitis when we took him in. Stomach was sore and one spot sore to the touch, he vomited once last weekend with a sore stomach too. He was feeling better during the week, a few days he thought about going out he felt 100%. But this weekend, what went down came right back up and the pain was worse bringing him to tears. Then the doctor asked if he still had his gall bladder, still not ideal problem with the "no surgery" clause on him. And yet again, something to add to the list of aches and pains the poor man has. The CT scan came back and we were told "gall bladder and liver are side by side, it will show which one for sure." And the winner is! Spots on the liver! The doctor is thinking of a scope procedure to determine if they are from the lung or blockages at the ducts. Doctor's fact of the matter comment was "or both", hmmm, said my Dad! Dad's just finished being sick and is disappointed yet another thing is wrong with him as his best reaction. He does however have a new love and appreciation for morphine, it's bad pain when they bring out the morphine. So far he's getting an anti biotic as part of getting the pain under control. As Dad said last night "well we haven't had too many problems with this cancer since it's started. Had problems every where else but maybe it's due?"

I am the first to admit I am a avid believer in staying one step ahead in everything. You never know what will happen around the corner and if you can better function "if it happens" you are actually helping yourself. That being said ..... I thought I was doing really good getting things in order for 'if anything happens to Dad'. My sister is off the regular use of booze and getting counciling for all her "pre-worries" of the situation. My Dad has gotten 2 great years hassel free since he found out. To the point that we've all pretty much forgotten the 'oh my god' reaction to a common cold. Remember, the cancer is in third place when running in the "what to take him" race. A cold heightens the emphazima and lung cancer mass taking up room where there is none. Then the heart works double time to keep it all working as best it can while it's not strong enough on a good day ... increasing the risk of heart attack. We were reminded this week ..... he goes for an update oxygen level blood test at the end of the week. As a part of letting the "completely deaf" man know what he can expect if the test shows low oxygen in his blood. My sister spoke to him about those possibilies ..... so far, he's decided that if the test is low and he needs oxygen. If he is given the opportunity to have oxygen in the house and quit smoking (nope he hasn't). He plans to refuse it! Hmmm! I understand it and can accept it .... but that's going to be alot of physical pain and daily risk of the heart attack. Hard to think he'd be choosing that!

That's my vote, when people come to clarify with you, do that, clarify. It's all to the interpreration, right now he likes to interperate it as a shinning moment, stable is just as good as cured in his eyes. When they ask what and why just let them know that things are the same and a few things have cleared .... he's focusing on the clearing as the first proof of his surviving this. And who knows??? He might just prove himself right one day? He knows the truth but it obviously makes him feel good to say the most positive thing to come to mind. What's really the harm in that? Just my vote ....

Marci, Your in a hard spot and in an altered state of emotional value....don't forget that. Although you have very good points about the comments and hurt felt by them, rights to venting due to "on hand" value. It doesn't come without the truth that they are dealing with their own pains and loosing their sister. My advise is don't give them the option to make comments as they have. Tell them your "reason/cause" before you even start to speak about the days events. Things like "I know I may sound selfish but I'm really just scared out of my mind ... I feel like a kid lost in the mall looking for my mommy!" Or, "Don't take it as I'm saying your not trying to help but ...... I think it's important for superior cleanliness, blah blah blah." Or my common comment "I know I can see things a 1000x's worse than most people can .... is it just me or is this real." Not only will they better understand where your complaint is actually coming from versus what they interprute it to be. But maybe they will realize better where you are coming from and how paniced you feel. Maybe your not the only person in your family who has it in their nature to take the raines and do all the work? Maybe they actually want to be needed more and you haven't noticed or they don't want to seem intrusive on you. Either way not giving the opportunity to get the message out to them or invite them to join in this huge job of care. Hasn't done any of you any good up to this point. I know and I agree "INVITE THEM" why should I have to? Well the truth of the matter is some people have to be, one might say it's to make sure they don't insult or push another out of the way. Another may say it's their validation of another person wanting them there. Either way, it maybe what your dealing with, it's better to deal with it than against it regardless of what wrong or right you feel about it. If it doesn't seem to change things for you, then find your outlet .... obviously not them! But you are still getting what you need, talking out loud always helps and venting outloud alone is very much equal to venting person to person. In the shower work some stuff out .... in the car alone, work some stuff out. No one here or at your home has done this before ..... there is no right or wrong for any of us.

Hey there, Chin up, you can do this. It's a big hill to climb but one step and day at a time you'll see that you can do this. Each loss has a special meaning that comes with the change and that too will be barable as the days go by. Keep the faith that this has happened at this time because you are equiped to take it all on. Although you don't feel it, believe that someone/something else has more faith in your abilities even when your in wonder. Tammy

It's great that your Mom can accept the changes are part of her illness. It's something that likely scared her just as much as it did you and the rest of the family. Acceptance doesn't neccessarily mean a final phase .... she can very well make a good fight and effort and succeed to make it to the next "event" she has on her list. Defiance or acceptance doesn't change the determination or desire .... it only changes the approach of the fight. You maybe pleasantly surprised, and for the hardships until now you've each experienced ..... I dearly hope this will happen for you. You all deserve that. Tammy

Hey Missy, I completely understand your frustrations. Let your sister "wash her hands" of both you and your brother if that's what gives her a "warm fuzzy". She can live in her glorious wonder with her degree and her "dead beat" boyfriend. You know what, you can't change that you missed it and you can't change your reason/cause of oversleeping. It's something that if it was a better time and circumstances you would've been there on time. If she can't take the time (her birthday included) to put herself on the back burner for the greater good .... that's her burden to bare. I know you know all of this in your head, but your heart probably hurts. Don't make this your problem to fix ..... she made her choice with herself in mind .... she will have to fix that later when she's realized she's wrong. My sister did the exact same thing years ago and over stupid stuff like the fact of I'm a tomboy at heart and don't mind dirt on my hands or a tare in my jeans. Little Miss thought it was appauling and "washed her hands of me", I embarrassed her, to the point that I met a friend of hers. When he thought he "knew me from somewhere", I said "maybe you know my sister". The short of a long conversation .... he knew my sister for 4 years and she'd never mentioned she had a sister. Mom dies and she's my new best friend and wants to know all about me and my family. Ok, I'll play the game, I know she'll tire of is soon enough! I got married and she called me sobbing because I didn't ask her to be maid of honour, but only a brides maid. Our half sister (who also wasn't good enough for Little Miss either) was the one I asked to be Maid of Honour. "I'm your sister, I had the bedroom right beside you and ate supper with you every night with Mom and Dad.....she didn't even live with us. She chose Grandma and Grandpa over us ... why does she get to be Maid of Honour? It should be me." It should be me .... It should be me .... It should be me! I told her why. Our half sister living at Grandma and Grandpa's house has always treated me like a sister and accepted me as ME. More then the one who I slept beside all my life." Missy, don't make this your burden ........ a day will come that she will have to fix her own mistake ... and as it should be ... she'll have to fix this herself. Tammy

Good for you! I've been thinking about quitting more and more these days as well, which is more than I've ever done! Tammy

Can your budget stand you to work 1/2 days? Can your husband make the calls to the insurance company, maybe the reseptionist at the doctor's office can help with some of that? You never know until you ask what others can help you with ... so ask. The worst that will happen is your no further ahead than you are now. Hope it helps. Tammy

A genuine good lady .... my cousin Linda passed away yesterday. She had a very rough few months with her lung cancer but never showed or complained about it. In August '05 she found out and was told it was non-operatable, by that Christmas she was told it was unresponsive to the intense chemo. God love her, she was 50.

I would say no but yes. You do want to get it looked at to make sure it's a burn or a rash from the radiation. Each would require a different treatment and all effects of radiation can surface up to 3 months after the treatment. it's most likely radiation related, regardless of first time or second time threw the treatment. My Dad was getting pretty red towards the end on his shoulder and chest to the point of blistering like a 2nd degree burn. My husbands Aunt has a slight darkening on her face from her radiation of inner ear. The jaw line to cheek and noe to ear was as red as a beet. But both events went away with very little skin colour change. It was uncomfortable while at it's worse. Tammy

I would let everything go on as they are .... logically the process could take awhile anyway for the eviction and charges etc. Emotionally the Gf maybe something he's hanging onto because she's there. That thought alone isn't anything to sing any praise over, but if she doesn't mind it.....let it be. It doesn't sound like he depends on her much more than an extra person in the room. I'm completely open to being wrong on the emotionaly value he holds for her. It just seems to me that he's equally allowing her to sleep while he attempts to go from one place to another. I would take a portion of that as "knowing what you can expect or want from a person at your time of need"....could very well be "just me" though. Hospice will truely take care of him and report any serious problems with abuse or neglect. Your cousin is a great person to make herself available for him. If he's willing to "let her go" the fact that your cousin is there will help that situation I suppose. You have more control over what she is able to do as far as his care and finances. That is the most important and sounds like you've done a darn fine job of creating limits for her. I'm not sure there is much more you could do, I would think the rest would be up to your Dad to do. Tammy

So sorry for your loss! Tammy

I'm so sorry for you and your family. May your memories get you threw this and give you warmth in the coming days. Tammy

I am so sorry Girlie! I know how you dreaded this moment and these feelings .... if I could give you any helpful hint of how to get threw this, or give you a simple hug I would. I will be thinking of you in the coming days. I wish you all the luck and hope every charished memory gets you threw this enormously hard time. Sorry for your loss ... a loss indeed. Tammy

I am in shock and have no words of anything but hope and good wishes for you and your husband. Good luck to you both. Tammy

I've never seen the x-rays of my Dad and wouldn't know what I'm looking at if I did. I guess it comes down to trust the doctor or get a second opinion. At this point .... I can't say any explaination would do much good for me. I hope it's nothing to worry about. Tammy

I'll have my fingers crossed for your Mom and that it's pain from the radiation and not the tumours. I hope all goes well for you. Tammy

It's amazing what families are willing to do to each other and they are in fact supposed to be the ones that love us the most ..... It leaves a bad taste in your mouth I know but continue the way you have! Your the bigger person in all of this as far as I can see .... let them all live with their own mistakes and burdens. Don't try to fix something that they obviously don't think is broken ... just do what you know is best. Instead of fighting and trying to let them know where they are making their mistakes and basically beating a dead horse. Just simply state the obvious at whatever moment strikes you or presents it's self .... "This is what she's asked me to do and I'm not denying her! ", "Who are we to judge, everyone makes mistakes and has moments of pure stupidity?" "I'm not comfortable with living my life knowing I didn't do what I could when I could." Simple things that are not arguementative (cause you just don't need that), but just enough to make the point. Your better than me, I would've wasted no time after his 'His big complaint is that she has been a "poor mother" to my sisters.' I would've thrown it in his face and said "And this bothers you so much you married her a second time! And what does that make you pathedic or romantic?" Now that would've been classified as arguementative!!! You are so much more than them and your Mom obviously knows this since she made you the P.O.A. I'm not advicating anything ........ but an "over pleasantly" stated reminder of that fact "And this is why Mom made me POA and not you ..." is definately in order and appropriate. As well, take that act as your compliment and pat on the back at the very least from your Mom. As far as your venting ..... make sure you say it when you can or you'll loose sleep over "what should've been said". Do whatever you can to relax yourself and give you small pleasures afer dealing with them. Tammy

I hope you know he is speaking from his own frustration ... and not that he's seriously blaming you. Please, out of all the hurt and pain the words cause remember that. I hope the time is good to you in the nearly future ... I wish all the luck and strength for you to get threw this. Tammy

Your Crystal is a symbol of strength ... I'm a firm believer that animals hold all the same feelings we humans do. My Moma-dog Chelsea passed away with limphomia (cancer)... you could see it in her eyes and face the pain was horrible. But she never complained and always had a hug and kiss for anyone of us who wanted them. Even though she couldn't get off the couch cause she was too sore, she would welcome and invite you to collect your warm/fuzzy moment from across the room if needed. Thank god for the pets .... they show some of us what we could be ..... and show us what is really important ........ we have each other. Tammy

Phnemonia can pass quickly, it took a week in the hospital for my Dad, so I'm sure it's very possible for your Dad .... spring is here and the flowers are coming to inspire everyone to get out of bed!!!! Here's wishing the best for you and your Dad. Tammy

Pre-grieving ... that's how I'd describe it, everything you would do on the first day of a spontanious death ... you get to do in advance. I think it's what will get you threw and make the hardest days somewhat functionable for you. Much like me I understand your efforts when using blogs for daily out pouring ... how ever if you can't tell your husband ... maybe he should be a frequent visitor as well as your friends? I however can hold it in like I'm a walking tomb as well ...... it's not the best way, but it works. I have to remind myself this is my key and I can unlock as little or be as selective as I want ... but it does have to come out eventually!!! Best of luck to you and remember to turn the key to release as often as possible. Tammy