TamHol

I have no words ......... To endure all that in a short time is horrible. There is nothing I can say to make any of this seem reasonable or comfortable .... hugs hugs hugs tighter tighter and tighter ......... It's all I have and the only thing that may make any sense out of this. Tammy

I'm sorry you have to go threw this ... your obviously a person who examines everything and that is a hard habit or urge to break. You've got everything in perspective and I don't see you as scattered brian etc. I don't think your doing anything out of the ordinary for your personality .... but do try hard to only worry about what is in front of you. You can't worry about what maybe around the corner or spontaniously pulled out of the hat. You don't know if you'll need that information or have that experience ... or if it won't get better. Charish the moment you have now .... now he's doing OK ...... he doesn't have the get up an go ... but he's there and right in front of you. It's hard to do that, especially if you are a "one step ahead" kind of a person .... which I am. I had to learn that I am the only person that looks this far ahead. Looks at all the possibilities so I won't be caught with my pants down or surprised when the wind shifts. But that is me, my preferrance and my "happy place" ..... but I have to restrain myself from REACTING to that information. Right now it's only information .... it's not reality! Hope any of that helps ........ Tammy

Everything you've said is true .. the good the bad and the ugly. I guess it's about not giving in when people make plans .... I know my Dad wants to plan a trip "home" for next year. All I heard in my head is "ya if you make it threw the winter" ..... but it's all about the pleasant thought. It's the excitment that you feel knowing something grand is coming around the corner. Why deny yourself that feeling, thought or thrill of making the plans and watching them take shape? It's the best feeling in the world and even if it's never done ... you still had that. And as far as I'm concerned .... you didn't give in! There is always time for reality ... there's very little time to play! Tammy

Hi Hopeful, I can understand your frustration and world wind of emotions ... but try to walk away when he aggrivates you. It's hard especially given the topic, timing, where you are etc .... do what you can. Get yourself the councilling or a way to vent outside the home jogging, walking, or even standing in the backyard screaming at the top of your lungs. Maybe this will help you to endure more than you have up to this point. It's all a horrible time ... I wish you luck and comfort in the time to come. Tammy

Flowergirlie, I'm sorry to read this illness is doing this to your husband and family. Often people in their own grief and anger (my husband is guilty of this) forget they are not the only ones loosing anything. Your husband is rightfully mad and doing some serious venting and in general is p*** off. Duelly noted and understood. When the time arises and you'll know when .... remind him he is not the only one hurting and angry. He is not the only person who stands to loose someone from life and it's joys due to this. Maybe that is the trigger needed for him to take a step back and make a serious effort to either choose his words, or appauligize for his outburst. This is not his fault or yours ... having no one or thing of a phyiscal nature to blame is the hardest part of any illness. Until your moment comes, or to just do some good all around for your whole family. See if you can't find a support group dealing with the children and family members, here it's called "caregivers support". Your kids will benifit from a youth group if it's available ... this site is great but kids need the one on one. Be honest and polite ... but straight to the point when your husband asks "Why are you going there and taking the kids there." Tell him the truth, 'we need this to help us get threw this with you. We don't know what to do and how to help you.' Again maybe it will trigger some more effort on his part and realization that he isn't in this alone or the only one feeling this rage. Best of luck to you and your family, Tammy

God love your Mom ........... and you whole family to support her choices. She made a choice to fight this 2 years ago and that is a fine fight indeed at her age. To decide this now is a courageous choice and she has proven she does in deed "have the final word". Good luck to her and your family in the coming seasons and time .... I'm sure each day will be as joyfully memorable as the day before. Tammy

Hi Jill, A doctor telling the family "X" amount of time is only a guestimate ..... it's up to the individual person and their body to prove them wrong or right. Each persons body works with cancer differently ... how else can you explain "no symptoms" etc. This is going quick and the only information I have for you is what my neighbour was told. She was told by homecare (hospice) that the medication is not uncommon for the spreaded cancer to spread faster. It's a catch 22 since the pain is hard to avoid the med's are a great thing for releiving that. But the down side is it allows the cancer to spread more and faster. My neighbour RoseMary ran this past the cancer specialist and he agreed that it can happen ... although does not in everyone. Good luck to you in the coming days. Tammy

Hi Dar, I'm glad the medication is helping your Mom and her (most likely) depression over this illness.... She may or may not share the same positive outlook as you, but it's great that you try. Even if she never fully becomes as positive as you don't take it as an insult. Maybe there is a personal belief she has that explains it all. For now she is still in shock over this and learning to deal and letting this new obstical settle in her own mind. We can only do what we can with the tools and information we have at the time ......... Leave her with the dog often ... All dogs have a way of shinning a light where things are dim!!! Tammy

Hi Chris, I'm sorry for your loss and your post was extremely warm and with alot of love and respect for your Dad. May the warmth of your memories and the strength you have in family and yourself get you threw this. You will find a peace at the end of this transition in your life. It may seem unheard of right now and for a long time to come, but you will find it! Good luck to you! Tammy

He isn't that close to his cousin Linda. He doesn't like the "in your face" type of situations and is probably why he just asks us. He could go over to his aunt's house (her Mom) to inquire if he really wanted to know. We want to save "the crash" for when it's completely unavoidable ....... I just don't know if our choice of timing is correct compared to reality of the illness. If there are visits he wants to make and conversations he wants to have ... I'd hate to miscalculate and end up being the reason he missed out on that. There is a time we'll have to talk to about the enevitable and be "in your face" .... I hated that day once and I'm not looking forward to it again. It's equivelant to telling a kid "there is no Santa Claus" ... Thanks all, Tammy

Hi there, My neighbour went threw everything you discribed, and yes a person can linger in that condition for a few days to a few weeks. Everything the nurse is telling you is true although it is a guess. It's an educated guess from people before her ... Sorry for you and your torment in all of this ... I wish it could all be much more simple/memorable than this for you. Tammy

OK ........... Odd I know but it's our delemia this week! My Dad being deaf and hearing alittle with his hearing aide ADDING the Doctor not speaking directly to his face.... Missed some information which was that the mass has grown from 3.4cm to 4cm ... radiation did very litle, if anything. He told me "from what I gather it's grown very little, if at all. But you'll have to double check with your sister on that, I may have missed something." We 3 girls know the significants of this from the past comparision. Over 3 months there was a .4cm increase in size without radiation ..... After radiation and in 3.5 months it's grown .6cm. We've been told before that the growth is considered to be slow if it's under 1cm during this time frame. 10 mm in a cm ... we think it's time for us to be "the gurls" and strategise some worry. Our worry is that given Dad is living his life under the laws of Wayne "just take it day by day and don't dwell". Out of respect of that effort we have not told him his cousin Linda's lung cancer has spread to the brain. A number of reasons why we decided not to tell him that are in the pot. But the general idea is we don't see the reason to bring the "crash" any sooner than needed. It seems like a sin to give him reason to wonder, compare with Linda and worry if we can help it. Don't get me wrong, he knows we are worrying and asks how Linda's doing nearly each week. Not to mention we've been very lucky that this has not brought on a manic episode ... oh my god talk about speeding up the wheels of fate if that happens. It will only take a week for the manic to take control and have him throwing out all his pills cause he "doesn't need them" or "they're poison". So that's the general situation at hand ...... do we tell him the mass HAS grown and take the risk of any worry to come. It is his body and he doesn't see or treat this illness with a chuckle and smile EVERY day. Or do we just let him keep the knowledge he MAY have "some" growth and leave him "as he is"? I don't feel like I'm lying to him in any way, I know well what stresses my Dad can take etc. It's hard cause we are juggling a possible manic episode with the general right to know what's happening with another illness. I'm not asking for right or wrong ......... I guess I'm just looking for a majority vote bigger than the one I have. Thanks, Tammy

Hi there, Other than the obvious ... being offended by the timeline and your uninvited status. Just remember that there is something seriously wrong with his actions outside of that box. Maybe he has security issues and can't be alone ....... I know quite a few of those people. That is the first thought that came to mind for me when I read that he didn't want you to come .... and it's a receipy for disaster for most people. Your only offended by this .......... you've got it easy in this soap opera he's creating. If this wedding is a bust ... he has a life time of people who have free rein to say "What did you think would happen .... dah!" Take it in stride ....... although it seems like a slap in the face. In the end it's only his own face he's slapping .... maybe not hard enough .... yet! Tammy

Sorry to hear of your Mother is sick ... and everything happening so soon and quick. Unfortunately the research I've done her "schedule of events" is common. Most people do not have symptoms and if they do it's an indicator that the illness has spread and is in the later stages. You have access to alot of information about this illness ....... but more so you have access to support and common emotions. Good luck to your Mother In Law and the rest of your family at this time. Tammy

Hi Stephanie, Although it is still all spiraling downhill it's great to hear that she is giving you the help you need to care for her. Emotionally and physically, it's seems that she is just as much in a windmill of emotions herself. Given her personality I'm sure it takes alot for her, and I'm glad she took the time to explain her anger to you .... you needed that. The words won't sting as much now that you know it's not "you", it's the situation. You get to keep those memories now as they were always intended..... Good Luck in the coming days. Tammy

Dawn, First of all .... don't you dare start putting your life on hold or that engagement!!! Second phnemonia will give you shortness of breath etc. it's a normal occurance within that illness alone. In the coming days you will find yourself here wanting and waiting to see what each person knows or can offer. There are alot of people to offer alot of good advice both medically and mentally .... but as a rule. Everyone reacts and progresses differently to the treatments available. What may work for one may not work for your Mom. That's not to be discouraging cause "it did work" for someone else here. Depending on the diagnosis and the stage she is in it's imparative you don't stop the good from coming. So get engaged ... and with all the stars shining ... get married. The main rule for any family member is one good thing is one good thing NOT missed by your Mom who has to endure this illness..... That is a huge insentive for getting her threw any treatment to come. What is not to love than the sight of a man pledging his love to YOUR daughter .... come on!!!! That's a serious GURL thing!!! Even for Mom's! Your mind will swirl with questions and answers, no one can stop that from coming. But it will end and your thoughts will settle ........ Good luck to your MOM. Tammy

I relate and sympasize with you ...... It's hard to deal with this without the past coming in to play. It can't be seperated. I was the one that said "tell her the truth" I don't know if all the messages are getting blurred. But mine was about the truth of what you can deal with and how it's effecting you. It seems you had and took that moment when she fell out of the wheelchair. Apparently the "I'm not able to do this" message was recieved but her pride won't let her appreciate it ("I hope" "I hope" "I hope"). At some point in time she must have decided that she couldn't count on anyone and needs to prove something to all. Right or wrong given the past you've discribed ... that maybe what this fight is about. If so, that's her fight, not yours! Know what ....... sometimes the best efforts are never acknowledged, and maybe that is what you'll have to accept. Cancer talking or not you still have to get threw your day! Maybe the single thought of knowing you did your best with what you had and against the odds as given, will have to give you your peace and comfort. We all have to be aware of our own well being. If that means being the bad guy and putting her into the hospice she doesn't want .... it will have to be. I'm glad you are allowing yourself to take yourself into consideration. Not only for your physical and mental state ....... but for the remaining relationship you wish to have when she goes. I burried my Mother in 1992 and haven't ever asked for her back ....... She was a mean visious woman who I refused to leave behind. I only stayed with her out of what I remembered her to be along time ago....and she tested that choice! Don't feel badly for getting mad at her ... all that ridicule is hard for anyone person to take. You can't help feeling offended, the words hurt and they sting. Cancer in the brain can make this happen, or old habits die hard!!!! If there is ANY chance that your anger will make her better understand the gavity of the situation ... I say do it, for yourself and that stress release as well. Regardless you ARE doing what you can to make her comfortable and take care of her. There is no right or wrong to this illness .... Tammy

Personally, warning it may not be to everyone's liking, I think the truth needs to be told. Not so much that she is overloaded, just the basics "The cancer is getting worse and I am not equipped to take care of you. Emotionally you are my Mother in pain and I can't stop any of this from happening to you. Physically and education I can't give you the proper care you deserve and require. I don't want to drop you if helping you from one place to the other, I don't know if when you become worse if I'll know your in pain and want med's .... I've never done this before. What would you do if you were me?" This is the truth is it not? I know your Mom is bull headed, so write it in a letter and leave for groceries. She can only fight with herself then, and it's something that she can keep so that if she ever forgets your commitment to her, she can be reminded. Maybe start with homecare if you can afford it. Let her see your pain, tears and urges to make this all better! She doesn't sound like she wants to leave you anymore than you want to let her go. Maybe if you appeal to her on a more personal level or agree to a homecare system that is the middle ground. Best of luck to you, I hope something can be worked out cause this is a terrible time to fight and argue. Tammy

Good to hear .... I was hoping he didn't actually mean it in one way or another ... but you just never know with bosses these days. However, he should've wondered if you'd "get" the joke ... but that's neither here, nor there ...... just an oops! This means he will be understanding in the future ... so chalk this up as a "good to know" experience! Good Luck to you! Keep that caregiver info on file for a later date if needed. It's amazing how many people don't know about it. Tammy

Hey Becky ... and Nutbar! It needs to be reminded that Nutbar and I are in Canada. We don't get fired because we have a doctors appointment or stress related etc ... I do agree with the full day idea though. Occationally that will work but if your visiting the theropist once a week ... you can be fired for excessive time off. As I said there is the Caregivers leave ... that is your edge. Find out a schedule of appointments that take the least amount of time away from work ie: the first or last appointment of the day so you only loose a 1/2 hour. Talk to your co-workers and see if one or two can and are willing to fill in for you during those times. Then go to your boss and sit down with him and discuss the appointment schedule and go from there. If he is uncooperative remind him the alturnative is to take the caregivers leave for a max 6wk's (2wk unpaid waiting time applies). That is a harder time frame to cover your work and the phones for him ... he'll see the lesser of two evils. If not...request the caregivers leave immediately ... not only will he have to secure your employment for 6 weeks and go through that hassle. But he still owes you your vacation time for the year as well. That vacation time and money accured is not expected to be taken at the time of the leave, nor can it be forced since the leave is made to catter to the spontinaitiety of an illness. Tammy

Don't worry about him ..... he's just jealous that he can't just up and go from his job as easily as you can. If he really makes a fuss remind him that if you don't take care of this problem outside work .... you'll be bringing it to work. Remind him he may have to use those quick reflexus to avoid a stapler coming for his head one day. Just cover your butt and notify him of the appointment schedule with advance notice ... he doesn't have a leg to stand on with advance notice. Don't worry about inconviencing them ... they'll appreciate the efforts your taking sooner or later! Don't forget about the HRDC compasionate caregiver leave ...... you still have that in your back pocket. I work in payroll just email if you want or need info. Tammy

Shelley Your in a place where you were never intended to be.... Your giving this illness all the emotions it needs to not only kill a single person but every fiber of what they used to be. Your giving in to something that is doesn't care if you fight a little or alot, it's only care is that it wins. If you let this dictate how you live your life and let it change you .... IT WINS! Your losses are great, there is no question about that and you deserve every feeling you have of resentment. But why give it something it wasn't even lurking for? Your marriage, your happiness, and you? I don't know what God heard you ask for. I do know he did not make the choice to allow this illness to become another "being" in your home. "If you watch the bad to see what it will do next ... you'll miss out on all the good you could be enjoying" is what my Dad said just a week ago. My Dad can't be cured due to his heart unable to with stand the extra strain medication and surgeries would create. Does that make me angry, yes, he's paid his dues and is actually the one owed now as far as I'm concerned. So everyday that he has that counts as "extra" is appreciated .......... and all our prayers have been answered from God. Tammy

I feel so horrible for you ...... like it's enough to have to watch all these things happening to her. My only suggestion is to talk to the hospice and ask her/him to be honest with your Mom. I know it worked for my neighbour ... Bob started to get delusional and violent with her and he was mean and nasty (thank god he reverted back to his Dutch language and she didn't understand him). When RoseMary realized she just couldn't keep her promise to keep him at home without risking harm to herself, she made the call and admitted him to the hospital. It was the hospice worker and the doctors that made Bob realize what he was doing and how he could easily hurt RoseMary. He couldn't believe he had done this stuff and agreed it was best for him and RoseMary. They deal with this all the time and they know how to talk and deal with people in your Mom's condition and state of mind. Hopefully, with all fingers and toes crossed, that is all you need ... it to come from someone else. I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to endure all this. Please remember all the great things about your Mother even with the most hurtful things coming out of her mouth. You are doing everything right and respecting all her wishes to the best of your abilities. Don't doubt that .... Tammy

I have no advice for you but I wish the best for you and your family in this horrible time. I wish I knew anything that could help you ....... Sending all my best wishes to you that this dylemia is easily resolved and soon. Tammy

My Dad is just aching everywhere ... muscles are weak and ache when used, he eats and winces in pain after the food gets to his stomach, he's got gout in his feet ....... the man is just breaking down. I don't know anything about Gout other than it will flar up and is a form of arthritis. As if that isn't bad enough but he said the skin is breaking ... he is taking medication for it. All I keep thinking of (my usual "going one step further as damage control") is my Grandfather and that damned bedsore. He died of Gangarene poisioning, that was a horrible death. The lung cancer itself is stable as far as we know, new tests were ordered this week due to the diarehia and stomach pain. It's like this little pilsberry dough boy of a man is stuck in two boxes ... neither are comfortable and without pain. His body is just simply breaking down and constently aching in one box .... and then there is lung cancer in the other. I'm afraid of the winter coming, it only took 8 days for that cold to go from flu to deadly phnemonia WHILE on antibiotic to prevent a phnemonia..... Geez, it wasn't cancer related either, it was just regular ol' phnemonia! I'll be surprised ..... I'll be very surprised!!! Mind you he's dodged death twice now with the heart attack and phnemonia .... maybe the gods are insuring he can't get away this time! Kind of a warped funny thought I know ........ we all have to find the funnies somewhere. Tammy