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Eni123

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  1. Karen, I know this feeling all too well because I can be the queen of distraction. You have to let it out sooner or later. Listen to sad music or just force yourself to write in a journal. Music always helps me brings my emotions to the surface. You may be too overwhelmed right now to process much, but at least try to let these harder feeling sink in. Perhaps counseling would be one of the better options to force you to feel your emotions. After 6 months of bottling things up I'm really considering it as well. Good luck to you.
  2. Eni123

    Redefining Me

    Feels like you took the words out of my mouth. Sometime I almost feel "lost" because I've been forced through all these changes that have ultimately changed me. I don't think you can ever be the same after experiencing such a huge loss. We will see things differently from here on out.
  3. It's almost been 6 months since my mother passed. It feels like such a LONG time has passed since she's been gone and not a very long time at all. I was doing relatively "well" considering I was still in auto-pilot for so long. It's just starting to get harder. I'm a young adult and I feel like at a time that I need her so much more I'm alone. I have a wonderful support system in terms of good friends, my dad, but what's gone cannot be replaced. Such an a close bond and it's gone forever. I know I will go on, but sometimes it just hurts so much. I guess I just needed to rant, but I know it will get better because it has to. My love to all those who are experiencing sickness or loss of a loved one.
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been quite a while since I have been to the boards. It looks as though we lost our mothers within a month of each other. I decided that I didn't want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. It's not really about being a "scrooge" , but I just want to go about as any other normal day. These next few holidays will be the most difficult for us. Stay strong and try to surround yourself with family when possible. I remember how incredibly supportive and loving you were with your mother from previous posts. Please take care of yourself and remember what gifts our mothers gave to us.
  5. I never thought I would be posting in the "Grieving". I guess I knew it would happen someday, but now? It's so strange. My mother passed early Friday and it has and hasn't hit me. I got really upset when I saw her at the wake because she hasn't looked that well in a long time. It hurt at the funeral to hear the choir without her voice. I have spent almost every Tuesday and Thursday with her for almost a year. Whether it be lunch, movies, chemo, radiation, check ups, malls, book stores, anything to get her out of the house. At times it was SO emotionally and phsycially draining that I didn't think I could continue. the back and forth between my work, my apartment, her house, the dr's. At times I didn't have the best attitude. I would get sooo mad at that stupid wheelchair! It was so heavy and hard to get out of the trunk and then set up! I hope she didn;t feel like she was a burden. She was really sick towards the end and I think the brain mets were back. It almost seems like seeing her like this made it easier to let go before it really happened. Waking up to make tea reminds me of her, I kept her sweater because it still smells like her! I can't even cry about it or think about it too long. My mind just won't let me. She has been my rock since day 1. I have always deperately needed her. One hug or one "i love you" was all I needed to make everything right. In the past 2 years since I moved out we got to know each other on a different level. Two adults. Then when she became sick I had to take care of her. Towards the end it was like she couldn't console me anymore because there was so much sickness. She never gave up for my sake, but it was so hard. Now when I wake up she is gone. I wanted to send her a text message on my phone today. I want to call her and see her. I guess I can still talk to her. The bond between us was so incredibly strong and no one could ever replace it. I know she is at peace now, but it still doesn't feel real.
  6. Deb, My mother just passed Friday and like you the reality hasn't set in. I saw my grandma pass several years ago and heard the fluid in the lungs when she was breathing. However when this started happening to my mom I couldn't handle it. I know it's a normal part and my dad said not to worry that she isn't in pain, but I had to leave. I wasn't with her when she passed, but I felt like she had been gone for days. She was undergoing hospice care so they couldn't "fix" this, but I'm told it's how the body goes. It's strange becuase during the wake and funeral I cried sometimes, but it doesn't feel real. I was making tea this morning and I was using a mug that we bought together maybe a month ago. It hurts me so badly for a few seconds and then I'm numb again. This is just all so strange. I hope you are still trying to hang in there. You are in my thoughts.
  7. I went walking the other day around this little lake. I was thinking about my mom and all the sudden I saw 4 deer cross the path 10 feet ahead of me! I NEVER see wild life in this area or any area for that matter! One of the deer turned its head to look at me. And everythin was very still and it just stared at me for half a minute. It was all very calming. I felt like she was with me.
  8. Hi Everyone, After the long fight (10 months) my mother passed away. She had about a week after we began hospice care and it went downhill quickly. Our hospice experience was a good one. They helped us keep her pain at bay and all of the nurses were very kind. I just want to honor my mother's courage and spirit throughout her journey with cancer. She never gave up and always stayed positive. I know there were many times that she was scared, but as a wife, mother, teacher, friend she never let it show. Her faith and love kept her strong. This is going to be a difficult transition. I almost feel like I should be more upset than I am. I'm mostly just happy that she finally has her peace. It will be very difficult going on without her, but it's hard to remember a time when she wasn't so sick. I will remember all the good times we had and hearing other people's stories about her. I would feel selfish to want her back with me since she is now resting. I will still mourn her loss here, but I know she is still with me. I want to thank everyone for their support throughout our battle with her cancer. I send my support to everyone else dealing with this disease. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's hard to find, but it's still there. You just have to search a bit deeper.
  9. Eni123

    My Dad has passed

    Char, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you can be strong and find a big or small moment of peace throughout your day to get you by. Take care
  10. I'm glad to read most of you had positive experiences with hospice. Just today my mothers oncologist, my father, and I set up hospice for my mom. She was upset when she found out b/c she feels like it's giving up. However her pain is so intense and she doesn't have the strength to even get around. I have so much anxiety now that everything will happen quickly. We have already experienced a close call, but to see this happen over again.... *sigh* *deep breath* Wish all of you well.
  11. That's how my mother was when she had the confusion with brain mets. I was usually the only person who could calm her. You can't be there all the time. This is so hard to deal with. Your father and sister are there and will do what they can. There's no way to tell how much time there is left. Make sure you are still taking care of yourself. This is a very exhausting and confusing time. There's no right or wrong way to do things. I wish we all had a written guidline on how to deal. I wish you and your mother the best. Please take care of yourself and we are all here for support when you need it.
  12. Thank you all very much for the responses and support. Just as of today my mother has been having increasing pain and the confusion is starting to come back. We were supposed to take her in for CT scans today, but she didn't have the strength to make it out of the house. I called the doctor and he spoke with my father and said they can't do much for her anymore. It would just cause increased stress for her to have anymore tests done. Someone from hospice is coming over today. We have been thinking about doing this for a while, but now her pain is too severe and I just want her to be comfortable. This is hard, I know it's not giving up...but it feels like this is it. But thank you again for the support, it means the world to me. Take Care
  13. Hi Everyone, I often read through the posts (sometimes I post myself) and I see how much we are all being put through on a daily basis. I'm wondering how everyone seems to manage their personal lifes, jobs, families etc. I'm still a young adult and have been living on my own for just a few years. My mother isn't going to get better, slowly getting worse. I work long hours, but I try to see her on my days off. The back and forth between work, my apartment, and my mothers home is so much. I feel like lately the time I'm at work or away that I'm always worried. I don't even want to wake up and go to work in the morning anymore at all. I am considering moving back home for a while to take care of her. It's just so hard because then I'll have no where to go in order to escape. I'm thinking about taking a leave of absense from work. I just need to save a bit more first (bills). I never sleep anymore because I can't stop thinking about everything. Not sleeping is making it harder to work, spend quality time with my mother, spend time with anyone. This post is part rant, but I am also curious if anyone has taken time off from work to handle things. It's just so much right now, sometimes I wonder if I might just spontaneously combust oneof these days...
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