Remembering Dave

The martial arts place turned out to NOT be licensed, and there's no playground, but I checked out a rather large daycare center across the street - they still give the kids naps through the summer - which is what Faith needs right now - almost all of the after school kids there go to her new elementary school, AND, for the after school program, they are divided up into grades - kindergarten is in one room, 1st grade in another, etc. Most of the daycare centers I'm familiar with lump them together like K, 1st & 2nd grades in one room, 3rd, 4th 5th in another room. They have a homework table in each room and in another corner little sofas and chairs for curling up with a book. So I'm starting her there next week. I sort of hate creating another transition for her and she does have one good friend at daycare now (but who has to move daycares soon anyway because this daycare doesn't pick up from her kindergarten) but I've decided to write the mom a note (we've talked a few times) with our contact information and maybe we can get together. her husband works out of town during the week so she said she and the two kids go out to eat alot during the week - maybe we can get together like that. So hopefully things are falling in place for us. Faith starts swimming lessons this evening. This stupid daycare was taking them on a field trip today TO CHUCKIE CHEESE - PLEEEEZZEE. I'm really worried that she'll be worn out and overstimulated and not do well for swimming. wish me luck - wish her luck! Karen

CRAP!!! CARLEEN - I feel so awful for you. First of all, I hope everything goes ok with the baby. I don't know what else to say about that. I've had alot of pregnancy (failed) heartache BUT NOTHING LIKE THIS. I will pray for you. Secondly, yes, funerals are awful for the spouse, the visitation especially, it was all I could do to sit down, so many people were there and wanted to talk to me, it was endless, and then I went through the same darn thing six months later with my mom's funeral, I have to admit I had to chuckle over your description of needing to go pee. and yes, in a way I felt like part of a freak show at Dave's funeral, I didn't have Faith at the visitation because I didn't want her to see Dave's body in the casket and be confused why he wouldn't wake up, but she was at the funeral (closed casket there) and she knew it was church to talk about Daddy, but I carried her in and carried her out and the whole time I was smiling like some sort of side show exhibit myself with the cute kid on my hip and it all just felt so strange. I still don't know why I held it together. But I felt like everyone was watching us, the poor widow and small orphan child. Ok, that was way too much about me. I am so worried about you, please talk to your doctor and see if they can hook you up with a good therapist, please, it's the only thing that's kept me sane for the last five years of my life, is having a good psychologist. I know you're going to need that practical help to get through the time ahead of you. Please please let us know how you are doing. God Bless, Karen

Another little piece inside my heart is breaking. The rare times I get on the board I always check to see how you two are doing. I can't say anything, I can't even say I know how you feel. Because I don't. I just know you are hurting horribly and I hate it. God Bless, Karen

Peggy - YOU GO GIRL!! I am so proud of you! I am a FIRM believer in counseling - it has to be the right person - and the thing I love about my psychologist is that she does not allow any whining! No aggressive behavior! She forces me to talk and then she objectively leads me to a solution. We started working on grief therapy BEFORE Dave died. It was far worse for me then than it was after it happened. That may sound terrible to some people, but the fear of losing him was HORRIFIC. So she helped me work on it. When he was ready to go, I was ready to let him go. It might have taken me right up to the week or the day, but I was ready. And it made the aftermath so much easier to deal with. I still see her every week and every week I am stronger and stronger - just because I was ready doesn't mean I wasn't affected. I hate to hear of folks who go to counseling and each time they get to sit and complain about their problems - YES, WHINE - and then leave and nothing is different. I feel blessed because I found this dear lady after multiple miscarriages after five years of infertility treatment - my infertility doc made me go see her - I was immensely clinically depressed and felt that life wasn't worth living for me. She helped me see all the reasons it was, and Dave and I got to make a happy family together with Faith. Then once he became so ill I went back to her and she coached me through the ordeal. I am so glad you are getting to let it all out and express how you feel. You need that! And yes, you need to take care of YOU, then you can do for others. Hang in there, Peggy. God Bless, Karen

I just have to say that I'm sort of on the same page with Peggy (stand4hope). As usual. I find myself always agreeing with you, Peggy. My husband died a year ago. My Mom died in January. The glamor of watching over the poor widow and almost orphan (ok, orphaned once - my daughter was abandoned as an infant in China) has worn off for most everyone in my life. I told my dad I could move to Timbucktwo and no one would notice I was gone except for him and it might take him a week. haha. But that's ok, I am making new friends of my own and have formed a close bond with an old friend who also lost his life-partner around the same time I lost Dave. I am finding that through the isolation, I am getting stronger, I can either whine about it or be determined to make it completely on my own. So I am choosing the later. Hang in there. It's a common problem. Be strong. Make new friends, do new things. You can do it.

Laura, I lost my husband of 12 years one year ago to small cell lung cancer. I lost my beloved mother in January to colon cancer. Before that I lost one of my best friends who was also my first cousin, to breast cancer. I have had a stage 2 melanoma. Guess what? I feel like everyone is going to die of cancer, including me, and it scares the living crap out of me. I'm terrified of it. But the key is to not let it control you. I combat the fear by making sure I get ALL the screenings I can. this last year I've had a colonoscopy, mammagram, pap smear and a full body skin check (and a pre-cancerous mole removed) but I don't obsess about this stuff, I just make sure I do it and then I forget about it. What you're feeling is perfectly natural. Just don't let it control you. and make sure you get your checkups. I heard one time that everyone has some cancer cells in their body, but most immune systems are able to kill them off. But if nothing else killed you and you lived long enough, everyone would end up dying of cancer. horrible thought, but again, don't let it take you over. hang in there and God Bless, Karen

thanks everyone, Lynn, nice to meet you! another adoptor on the board - excellent! thanks for sharing your experience. The other Karen: I really hadn't even thought of an after school place in a private home. that might be a good idea. I'll have to look into that. I have a few issues with that, one being, when the caregiver needs to take off, is sick, etc., then you're stuck. at least with a daycare center that's not an issue. as a single mom with no one to help me in situations like this (unless it'a day my Dad isn't doing anything else and he WANTS to, ha) I need 100% reliability. I also think the socialization for her is important as an only child although I know there would be other children at a caregiver's house. I think I'll investigate that, but it would have to be a home that was on the bus route for that elementary school, which limits my choices, too. The ONLY time I ever cry over Dave, is when I think about Faith losing her daddy. I can deal with the loss, I can intellectualize it, I KNOW Dave is in heaven, when he died I literally felt his spirit lift and I take comfort in that, but when it comes to Faith, I can't stand the thought. When things like this happens, it only strengthens my resolve to be the best mom I can be and to always be there for Faith. period. Today after work I'm picking Faith up and we're going to the after school place my friend's kid goes to. It's a martial arts place. They serve no sugar or sugary drinks, they have homework time and martial arts lessons every day and in the summer they have a field trip two or three times a week - no laser tag or chuckie cheese - parks, museums and places like the newspaper production plant. ok, again, thanks for listening. and yes, thank you, I know Dave is proud of what I'm doing as a mom. He gives me strength. Karen

Ok, update. Faith's therapist called them yesterday with my blessing. she reported to me that she, too, went 'round and 'round and 'round with the director, and it was frustrating. no wonder you were crying, she said!! she said the woman outright contradicted herself several times. she said to her "what is wrong with letting Faith go into the pre-K room at naptime and sleep" response: "because that is giving in to her". Therapist: "giving in to HER or to her mother"? See, the whole thing is a power struggle between me and them. she outright refused to the therapist, but when I got there yesterday Faith had gotten her nap! I was told by the preK teacher that Faith took a good nap and was a complete angel. SCORE ONE FOR THE THERAPIST. Now, I will tell you that this daycare has an AWESOME preK program. two full time teachers, very structured day, and Faith learned so much in there. she Loves those teachers. but now the "afterschool" program is a disaster. I put a contract on a townhouse (yes, one year after moving to a new house) and it won't be built until next May. But Faith will start kindergarten in one school and then when we move first grade in a different one. so I called the school board and they said she could start at the new one and not make a switch - something the therapist said would be bad for Faith at this point. this daycare doesn't pick up from the new school so I will need to find a new daycare for her, and it will be better to do that now so she can make friends going to her new school. my realtor is a good friend and her little boy goes to that school and goes to a good after school/summer program so I may enroll her there if I can and she'll have an older friend to keep an eye on her. we'll see, I need to do my homework and interview different ones and make sure this will be a good fit for her (and that she can get some rest LOL). another thing. this daycare took Faith's group to LASER TAG on Monday. 4, 5 and 6 year olds with laser guns shooting at each other in the dark? does this make any sense? is this an indication of how they have NO CLUE what is best for this age? when I picked Faith up that day she was bawling and saying that people kept shooting her but she didn't shoot because it was mean. geez. OK, thanks for your help everyone. Katie, thanks for sharing your experience. Ry, interesting stuff on your son. one thing with Faith, she never had any attachment or bonding issues with us, at 14 months. she took right to us, even Dave, and alot of the babies in our travel group would have nothing to do with the dads. alot of the babies knew what was going on and didn't like it one bit. we had two who were obviously very angry. but not Faith. she had a twinkle in her eye, I think she took one look at the skinnny nannies from the orphanage, one look at the nice well fed americans about to take her, and made her decision, I'm going with THEM! she and Dave were ALWAYS very close and that makes it all the harder for her to lose him. which reminds me, I had to force Dave's hand to do the adoption, I basically delivered him an ultimatum to make him just CONSIDER it, but once he decided to do it he never looked back, and after we got Faith he literally would tell people about the process and would make it sound like the whole thing was his idea! his stubbornness could be maddening but also endearing because it was one thing that kept him strong and fighting for his life to the very end. ok, more rambling from me. thanks for listening! God Bless, Karen

Ok, both Faith and I have been in therapy for all of the last year - and before - separate therapists, but they talk to each other (Faith goes to a wonderful lady who does play therapy). I wish mine did play therapy LOL. Anyway, you wouldn't believe the people who tell me that Faith shouldn't have issues, that what she's gone through isn't any different than a kid who's never had a father. For one, a good friend of mine who adopted a baby from China, as a single person - "Jane is fine and she's never had a daddy." PLEASE. Tell me that watching your beloved daddy suffer, throw rage fits in front of you, and then die (not in front of her, but she's still trying to figure out how it works), is THE SAME AS NEVER HAVING A DADDY? Now, Faith is having issues at daycare AGAIN. They moved her class up from Pre-K to "after school" which, for the summer, is a fricking free for all, and they went COLD TURKEY WITH NO NAP. Faith absolutely needs a nap. If she doesn't get one, she becomes a denom in the late afternoon. So they are running them ragged and with no nap and guess what? she's acting out. So I'm going 'round and 'round and 'round with them over this. They tell me she's the only one acting up. I find this hard to believe, as when I go to pick her up, she and three or four other kids are sitting on the floor bawling while the rest of 'em are running around like crazy people. I said, she's not like the rest of them, she's still dealing with issues other kids don't have. Oh, they said, she's no different then kids who don't have a daddy at all and we have plenty of them. WHAT???? Yesterday was the worst day with them, and we also happened to have an appt. with her therapist. I sat down, bawling, with all my frustration, and she said, your instincts on your kid are correct. If she needs a nap, she needs a nap. Yes, she is very different from other children, she's experienced a heck of a lot of loss in her life, let's start with abandonment near birth, a year in an orphange, having her daddy die and then her beloved BooBooMomMom. The good thing is the therapist told me she has seen a VAST improvement in both Faith and I in the last year, for the better, and I will tell you that at home and on trips now Faith is a complete angel. and sometimes I run her ragged on the weekends but she doesn't turn into a denom anymore. so it's daycare's fault and their problem, but for some reason they want me to make her the perfect child at the same time they're doing their best to ruin her. impossible. How in the world can anyone look at my kid and say she's no different than the rest of the kids? I'm going to pull her out of that daycare, I think, before school starts, I have a plan but need a little time to enact it - but I'm just so frustrated for the time being. I have one friend - one - who really "gets" Faith and he lives 500 miles away, but I don't have to beat things into his head about her. He gets it, and he really appreciates her unique personality. She's a really different kind of kid, very bright, very clever, a creative bent in a weird way. Why can't everyone "get" her? and why can't everyone understand that she's been through so much in her little life? geez. it's just so frustrating. I just needed to vent. Karen

Ann, you always know exactly what to say - never too much, right to the point, right ON point! Guess what, we DO have matching traveling shoes! Anyone familar with Crocs? we have tan colored ones, both of us, we wear them with socks when traveling, so we look really nerdy but we're really comfy! I wore them on our marathon walks through Central Park and all through midtown Manhattan and my friend said it was OK because in NYC you can look any way you want to. So I sent him a pair and he said "oh, they're great, but are you kidding, I'm not wearing them in public" I really had to razz him about that - can't you look ANY way you want to in NYC? he said the other engineers he works with would give him a hard time. guys. so macho. ok now I'm babbling. I'm pretty fired up about the townhouse idea and darn it all it won't be built until next May - a whole year! but gives me plenty of time to get my act together. and you know, all of my furniture that I just bought after moving into this house will fit into it! it's only 200 square feet smaller than my house. it's kind of weird because I wanted to "downsize" but what I'm doing is downsizing my life I suppose. and it does have one less bedroom - three instead of four . . . after all. which reminds me. in NYC Faith took her crocs off and her socks. she was in the stroller. she's really big for the stroller but it works and we didn't want to carry her around everywhere. so every now and then before I'd realize it she'd hop out of the stroller barefoot and walk over to look at something, etc. when we were waiting for our flight in the airport I said you need a bath your feet are black. they were. so she got into my bag and got out the Wet Ones and scrubbed the bottom of her feet clean. Ok, Mommy, now I don't need a bath! gggrrrhhh, that kid outsmarts or at least thinks she does every time. guess what - she got her bath as soon as we got home! I have a social worker friend who has pegged her as having "active alert disorder". cause her mind is always spinning so fast towards the next thing. drives me crazy. Karen

I think I'm going to download that one to my itumes. it's so appopriate and so true! Dave told me a couple of weeks before he died that he wasn't afraid for himself but hated to leave us behind. Karen

Ok, the day is passing very nicely I would say. I left work a little early so I could go by the cemetary and put some flowers down. didn't see anything I liked and knew every cut flower would be dead soon anyway. then I spotted the cactuses. Dave loved them, so I bought two little ones and set them on his marker. he'd like that. then my friend from NYC stopped by on his way to visit his parents. Faith is crazy about him and vice versa so that was a good distraction. He was one of the people who said he would have liked to hang out with Dave. One of my favorite Dave stories. you have to know that for as much of a sense of humor he had on the board, living with him sometimes he could be a bit of a curmudgeon (sp?) but funny. If anyone has seen the commericials for Jared jewelry stores - well, there is this woman walking around a cocktail party asking all her girlfriends about their beautiful jewelry and they all reply "he got it at Jared". so apparently her bracelet was inferior and not purchased at Jared. so she walks up to her nerdy looking husband, who says "hi honey" and she just looks at him and drops her bracelet into his drink. now, this part is all about timing, but right at that moment, the second that bracelet drops into the drink, Dave would utter one word "witch". every single time we saw that commercial, and it ran alot during Christmas, valentines day, etc. he would be sick and literally dying but still sitting in his recliner and nailing it every time with perfect timing. got a snicker out of me every time. well, time for bed. it's been a nice day. after our friend left Faith and I took a walk through the neighborhood, it was dark and the stars were out and she remarked that Daddy was up with the stars. I didn't mention to her that today was a special day, but I like that now she doesn't cry for her daddy every night or ask me a million angst filled questions about why he's not here, but instead remembers him and sees him in the stars. I'd say she's growing through this awful time and so am I. God Bless, Karen

I'm making a rare appearance on the board thinking about Dave today, and looked at this post of mine - Faith and I have had our trips to the beach and NYC - both went well and was so much fun. Faith is such a good traveler. maybe she's got it in her blood having made her first big trip at 14 months of age, coming home to the U.S. but she loves to be on the go and did awesome in the car to the beach and through the airports and on the airplanes to NYC. that kid thrives on adventure! We had so much fun in NYC, went all over midtown, the Bronx Zoo, rode the train out to our friend's house in Yonkers, and everywhere we went she made a friend. She had every foreign speaking taxi driver smiling and making conversation with her. A lady on the train on the way back from Yonkers took off her bracelet and gave it to her (because Faith told her she was pretty - and she really wasn't . . . !), etc. So I've decided, I THINK, to sell my house I've been in for one year, and buying into a new townhouse community. I like mowing the grass and stuff, it's sort of satisfying, but it's time away from Faith. I'd rather have a comfy place to live but the freedom to be on the go with this kid. and here it is a year later, and both Faith and I have grown and changed and adjusted to our family being just the two of us (for the time being anyway LOL) and now I know what WE are like together! It's sort of like something new being born out of a loss. well, enough rambling - just feeling lots of stuff today. God Bless, Karen

well, Becky beat me to the punch, but Cindy, I'd say definitely Sam Adams. There was no other beer for Dave. I hadn't had a chance to log on today - they moved our offices and all week I've been hefting around 50 pound boxes of files and reloading file cabinets and all the other stuff you do when you move an office with practically no help. which has keep me pretty preoccupied which is a good thing. Faith had her pre-K graduation the other night. every happy thing we do is foreshadowed by the fact that Dave is not here in person to participate, but I know - and keep telling Faith - he can watch from heaven (I sure hope anyway) even if we can't see him. anyway, it was darn cute and I was so proud of her. she is quite grown up now! once I get around to cleaning up my hard drive at home enough to download the photos I'll change my avatar to one of her in her cap and gown. thanks to all who remembers him, because the worst thing in the world is to have someone's life reduced to a few belongings and then be forgotten. I tell "Dave stories" to people who never knew him and I love it when I hear "he sounds like someone I would have liked to hang out with". that's a great tribute. God Bless, Karen

Wow, that's pretty cool. must have been hard for him to do. Dave never left any notes on anything. He was determined not to die. My mom, on the other hand, when she got news of her multiple mets, I asked her to write down her recipes for me and asked if she minded, if I was being too negative, and she said of course not, we both know what's going to happen, I'm glad you want them. After she went into hospice and was so weak and bedridden, my Dad and I looked at the notebook she wrote in those last few months (she told us to) she had written out the church bulletin for her funeral (so we knew what songs she wanted, mostly), my recipes, what she wanted to be buried in, etc. most of that she was able to tell us, but she was afraid she wouldn't be able to. My Dad gave me the notebook and it's my most precious possession. anyway, keep those notes forever. there's something about a person's handwriting that makes them seem more alive, like hearing their voice. I will tell you that not long after Dave's diagnoses he left me a couple of very cheerful voice mail messages at work and I have kept them. I should ask someone in IT if they can make recordings of them for me, now that I think about it. It would be good for Faith to hear one day. God Bless Beth, Karen

I just wanted to say that mothers day wasn't so bad. I don't know why I even had a few days of doubting it. my dad and I agreed - EVERY day is hard when someone who is a part of every aspect of your life is gone. why should one single day be any harder than another? He felt bad for me I think and fixed a delicious dinner mothers day. leg of lamb! my mom would have NEVER fixed lamb. I think he's doing all this stuff my mom didn't want to do now that he can which is really kind of funny. although he's very sad, too. I'm going to the outer banks this weekend with a single friend and her chinese daughter who is Faith's age and they're buddies. my friend mentioned to me that she HATES riding in the car on road trips. that really really made me miss Dave. we LOVED to get in the car together and take a road trip. for some odd reason we got along better in the car than any other time. that was something special we had that I doubt I'll ever have with another person - girlfriend or otherwise. Karen

thank you for letting us know about him. I don't get on this website very much since my husband died, but I felt that Schmay sort of took the humor over where Dave left off. in fact, he and I exchanged thoughts recently which got me back on the board, because of him. it sounds to me like he had a heart attack. I think that is what really killed Dave. he was in a coma-like state and in so much pain, and breathing like a locomotive for two days straight - pushing out breath with all his might - and I think his heart just wore out from the exertion. I will miss him, but I hope he and Dave are exchanging a few jokes together up in heaven. God Bless, Karen

The Palliative Care ward where Dave died had a memorial service last night for everyone who had died there in the last year. Faith and I went and my Dad came along (he didn't think I should go alone but I think he really needed it too). I at first thought to go just because I really loved all the caregivers in that unit and wanted to respect them with my attendance. but after I got there I realized how much I needed it. I saw a few of the nurses that took care of Dave, the one volunteer who coached me Dave's last day - told me he thought Dave needed to hear from me that it was OK to leave (so I did, and he did), etc. Everyone was thrilled to see us and especially thrilled to meet Faith - because she was the sole reason Dave fought so hard, fought longer than he probably should have - and they knew that taking care of him. it was like being at a family reunion. this ward is very unique. it was the first of its kind in the U.S. and the NP who started it (along with one of the onco docs there) goes around the country speaking and consulting other hospitals on setting up similar palliatve care wards. I decided back then, and haven't wavered from that - that one day I want to be an active on the floor volunteer there - but it's impossible right now with working full time and taking care of Faith. I'm thinking once she's in school I may be able to do flex time at work and get every other friday off - and spend them there. I NEED it! but for now I committed to coming up and having lunch with Ray the volunteer every Tuesday that I can - to keep a presence there and keep my comfort level up. that will help me stay motivated to jump in when I'm ready. It's very small - 11 bed ward - and it was mind boggling how many names they read off for each month in the last year - names of people who died each month. Must have been 30 a month - one a day . . . in an 11 bed ward. the staff, the volunteers, the chaplains, the docs - all VERY spiritual and respectful and I believe that is a top criteria for working there, but I still don't see how they do it. and now I'm facing my first mother's day without my mom, and my first mother's day as a mom without Dave to help Faith do something for me (that sound selfish and it's not a strong feeling but another reason to miss him - he always was good about stuff like that). I decided to do something for ME for a change, so this afternoon I'm getting a new haircut and . . . some color or highlights for that grey!!! and I think I'll take Faith with me and hit Nordstrums over the weekend and get a makeover or something - Lancome or Estee Lauder? any advice???? I've only been a drugstore-makeup user in my life. and I haven't worn ANY makeup for years. But it's weird to not have my mom to do anything for. her cemetary is sort of strict on the flower thing and my Dad has a really nice fake arrangement in the one alloted brass vase. I guess I'll just talk to her and thank her for being such a good mom. and I know it will be hard for Dave's mom to have her first mother's day without her only son. Faith and I will be sending her something but in true Chapman style I'm late getting it in the mail . . . Ok, rambled enough. Two weekend trips coming up for me and the little pumpkin - one to the outer banks for a long weekend with another single mom of an adopted chinese girl - we're friends and our daughters are the same age and buddies - then another NYC trip over memorial day weekend. really excited about that. Faith loved NYC and she became an expert subway rider in short time. well better run, thanks for the ramble! Karen and Faith always remembering Dave

Wow, Joe, that is a good article, so clearly written and easy to understand. Yes, I think the key is awareness. I think that the #1 way to prevent lung cancer deaths is for everyone to quit smoking - while researchers continue to work on finding out why nonsmokers get it and work on prevention and treatment. and I'm glad to see pointed out that small cell is almost always caused by smoking - something I learned very early on and that Dave's oncologist would point out. the only good thing, if there is such a thing, with people like Dana Reeves dying from lung cancer, is that hopefully it removes some of the stigma of lung cancer so hopefully it will get more positive attention like breast cancer has. but I still say, the quickest way right now to avoid getting LC, is to stop smoking. I wish Dave had never picked up a cigarette, maybe he'd still be here. Karen

Schmay, I think you got me back on the board again. yeah, the decadron really made dave a big ball of dave, too. he was already very "portly" but he ate like crazy on the decadron and also he got a bad case of what he called "bus head" - very bloated neck, in fact, he ended up not having a neck . . . and yes, I think the dosage of decadron you took for the amount of time you took it is ALOT and I'm willing to put a bet that caused your problem, not the chemo. it's too bad the cure can be almost as lethal as the disease, but it's worth it, I mean, LIVING, Dave always said he didn't care what the chemo or anything else did to him - he would go in and tell the onco doc to sock it to him, give him more. sounds like you did, too. good for you. If I find the dress he wore, I'm going to pester you privately for your address so I can mail it to you, I'm sure it would fit. the pumps and wig were borrowed so I can't send those unfortunately. and you know he did it as a fundraiser for this board, took pledges to dress in drag, can't remember how much he raised. I will tell you it was rather confusing to our then three year old. THAT was hilarious. this is bringing back a good memory, I remember laughing so hard holding the camera I could barely take the picture. mostly because Dave was so dead set serious about the whole thing, like he was "in character" and that just sent me over the edge with laughter. hang in there, glad you got some official help, love your descriptive prose, although I had to read the part about the fat ladies and the bonbons a few times to really get it! Karen

Hey, Schmay, you may have replaced my Dave as the holder of the crazy humor on the SCLC forum. now you gotta dress in drag, you know . . . keep us posted. the chemo gave my mom (who just died of colon cancer) crazy neuropathy. never bothered Dave much, and he ended up with tumors COVERING his spine, but never kept him from walking with any neuropathy, the last week or so he was pretty much wheelchair bound from pain and weakness in his spine but not numbness. Decadron will definitely do it to you, too - wreak havoc on your muscle tone and strength. it did my mom, very quickly. Just hang in there, and listen, I know this sounds horrible, but if you beat the SCLC and achieve NED, it's WORTH IT. I'd do anything to have a permanently crippled Dave back. Love your humor, don't lose it. ever. God Bless, Karen

Cindy, I rarely get on the boards any more even to lurk, but I guess this being, or rather would have been, Dave and my 13th wedding anniversary, I felt drawn to the board today. more than it being our wedding anniversary, it's also the anniversary of his diagnoses, because I took him to the ER on our 10th anniversary where he was diagnosed. Anyway, I digress. Truthfully, I consider you a true walking miracle. To be DIAGNOSED with EXTENSIVE SCLC and be NED this long out - WOW. What I know about LC and especially SCLC at this point - you are truly amazing, and girlfriend - TAKE IT. I think it's great. Don't feel guilty, feel like you have a wonderful gift, which you do. You've always been one of my favorite people on this board, and I'm so glad to see a true walking miracle. Use it in any way you see fit, but to simply have a normal life is the best tribute you can give to those not as fortunate as you. A normal life is a blessing! You take care, and know I'm one of your biggest admirers. Shine on, sunny girl! God Bless, Karen

wow, now, that was pretty cool! What a tribute! thank you so much for sharing, and by the way, your sister is one very special person! Karen

Yep, 13 years tomorrow Dave and I got married. I'll never forget that it was in the '60's and sunny so it was nice. Tomorrow is supposed to be a high of 38 with up to three inches of rain sleet and snow. that sounds appropriate. I'm really not too upset about this, I mean, why miss Dave more tomorrow, I miss him a whole lot every day, but there is not a damn thing I can do about it. And the more emotional I get, the more insecure Faith gets, so I can't do that to her. So no indulging in a pity party for me! Our anniversary seemed to always be a bomb anyway. I took Dave to the ER on our 10th anniversary where he was first diagnosed with SCLC. It's probably even harder I suppose doing this without my mom. if she were still here, even if she was as sick as she was at the end, I know she'd send me a cheerful card in the mail telling me she was thinking about me on this day. She became an almost obsessive card sender in her last years which is pretty cool. She sure did leave a legacy of kindness . . . Karen

He's definitely worse than my boss. It doesn't sound like a job you absolutely have to have, financially, that you could do much better someplace else anyway, so I'd leave and go out and do better if I were you. He sounds WORSE than my boss, who cut my raise the first year Dave had cancer because I didn't ask for FMLA and I used vacation time for all the cancer stuff, but he told me at evaluation time that I had too many unplanned absences and if I'd gotten FMLA I would have been "protected against his action." He actually said that to me, later, in hindsight, I realized it was HIS job to advise me to apply for FMLA. In the same conversation, he officially informed me that he and his wife had separated (I'd already figured that out) and that he considered the breakup of his marriage a death, but although he was experiencing grief he hadn't missed any time from work. Yeah, right, but he sure spent enough work time on the stupid divorce, I figured it out because of the numerous faxes and phone calls he got from his divorce attorney. Duh. then when Dave died he actually wrote a note and mailed it to my house and told me that he knew exactly how I felt because his dad died ten years ago. What??? You DO NOT compare the death of an elderly parent to that of a young spouse. geez. and you certainly never ever tell anyone you know exactly how they feel, especially if you don't!!!! He's just really not very bright. Now I have a co-worker with four kids who misses times all the time - car is broken down (that precipitated an entire day off with no notice), 16 year old stole a car which necessitates numerous court and school dates, other three kids are always sick, she has a LIVING husband and a LIVING mother, but she seems to be the only one who can handle anything. top that off with the fact that she sits at her desk all day and takes care of business for the youth basketball league she manages or something. So Boss has the NERVE to tell me, right before Mom died, that I need to set an example for co-worker and ALWAYS be here no matter what is going on in my life. Yeah, right. I can really see why his wife left him, he is about the most clueless person I've ever dealt with and I'm pretty sure his self-centered-ness is what drove her away. I just do my thing, and I don't worry about a thing. I try to ignore the stupidity because I know I can never excel as long as I work with this bozo, so my main goal in life is keeping my job. I show up, I do my thing, I go home. I work for a large fortune 500 company with excellent benefits and very regular work hours, show up, go to lunch, leave on time every day. in the world of law firm where I've always worked before, it was a pretty iffy existence, you never knew if you were going to take a lunch hour and at 4:55 pm every day you held your breath that the lawyer didn't fly out of their office telling you not to leave until you revised the intriciate 50 page document they'd been fooling around with all day. the stability here, I need. sorry, this turned into a big rant from me!! anyway, GO GET ANOTHER JOB!! Best of luck, Karen