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Remembering Dave

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  1. Just thought of this - my mom talked to Beth's Mom, who mentioned to her that there was someone else there (this was at the visitation) from this bulletin board. LindseysMom (Dee) came to Dave's visitation but I didn't see here there at Beth's, so I am wondering who that was and wishing I had gotten to meet you. My Mom and Beth ended up having chemo together quite a few times, they were chemo room buddies - so mom knew her quite well also and came with me to both the visitation and the funeral. she is fighting Stage IV colon cancer herself so I know this wasn't easy for her. but it didn't take much of knowing Beth to become quite fond of her. I am doing well, sorry, but avoiding this board, but I did want to report in about Beth's service. I really miss her. I started missing her when she got too sick to talk on the phone. cancer sucks. Karen
  2. Just wanted to report in. It was, of course, lovely, and the minister (female, she and I had met at the hospital once and had a long talk, I really like her) really emphasized how Beth's whole life was about love, how much she loved her kids (very true, I witnessed that personally and it made a huge impact on me) and made a pretty nice parallel between Beth's love and how Christ was all about love. But I gotta tell you, there is nothing tougher than watching the world's sweetest 7 year old boy weep for his mother. I'm really going to miss Beth, but I hope she and Dave are supporting each other in heaven just like they did here on earth. I imagine Dave is showing her the ropes about now. God Bless, Karen
  3. sorry for the unpopular reply, but I must be honest. I say, yes he did, and it caused his lung cancer. studies have shown that most folks with SCLC were smokers. Dave's oncologist looked him right in the eye at diagnoses and told him his smoking caused his LC. Of course, there are tons of folks with NSCLC who never touched a cigarette in their life. But that doesn't mean I can't speak the truth about Dave. Hopefully it will save a life. One young man in our IT department here, who knew Dave from a previous life, quit because of Dave's smoking-related lung cancer. In no way am I trying to give lung cancer a stigma, but the hard fact is, smoking causes lung cancer. It killed my husband. I encourage everyone I come across who smokes to quit. Karen
  4. OK, as I am just getting on the board after weeks off, I am just seeing this. Peggy, you and I have often spoke of the reality of what is bound to happen eventually, but when it happens it is stunning to say the least. I knew the disease was progressing with Don but never expected him to go this soon. As with Dave. I knew Dave's time to go to God was coming near, but thought he'd make it to his 41st birthday which is this Saturday. It seemed to me that Don had quite some time left. I'm glad he didn't suffer. Please get in touch with me after you're able to have time to communicate again. Much love, Karen
  5. Hi, today is my first day back at work since I took Dave to the ER on June 10. I haven't had internet access at home for quite some time now, so it's my first chance to get on the board so I thought I'd just pop in and post an update. Faith and I FINALLY got moved July 27 and 28. We LOVE our new house. It's nice and big and has a really open floor plan, I had a nice vinyl five foot picket fence put up around the backyard so the dogs have plenty of room to run around and Faith has a backyard to play in without any worry. She says she loves the new house but is a little confused why we don't live in the old house but I think she is starting to understand. I can get her to daycare in five minutes or so and another 15 on to work, that is quite better than the 1.25 hours the trip took in the past. I bought new furniture for the family room and a few other pieces like new dining room stuff, new bunk beds for my guest room, and treated myself to a new really girly looking iron bed. Dave's friends have especially been a big help, especially his best friend Roger and Roger's teenage daughter and his parents, they are awesome folks. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through this summer without them and I tell them so every opportunity I have. A bunch of ladies from the law firm I used to work at came out and unpacked and set up my kitchen for me. Just lots of friends and activity which is a welcome change from the isolation we lived in before. I'm having my teenage friend's 16th birthday party at my house this Saturday, which is Dave's birthday, and I am looking forward to having the house filled with friends and kids and teenagers and have something positive happening on a day I'd otherwise be sitting around missing Dave miserably. So we are doing pretty OK. I miss Dave terribly, but I want to be happy and eventually find someone else to share my life with. I've lost 31 pounds since Dave died, purely through healthy eating and exercise. I CRAVE health now. Before I stress ate myself into near disaster, but my family doctor and I have been working on my health issues and she's thrilled with how much better I am just in six weeks. Cancer sucks. I think of how much Dave suffered and how hard he fought, and I just get angry, but then I remind myself how much better of a person I am because God gave me the gift of Dave for 12 years of marriage, and I am so thankful for that. One can only feel pain if you've experienced joy first, so I suppose I should count the intense pain of losing him as a reflection of the joy he brought me. Dave was a real gift to everyone who knew him. God Bless, Karen
  6. Coming from a brand new widow, this is fantastic news. I am happy that he found someone he is comfortable with, but more importantly I think the joy you have over the situation is the best thing. Family members, especially children, are often reluctant to accept the surviving spouse's decisions to move forward in their life. I've been told that folks who lose a spouse after a good marriage often seek to remarry soon, not necessarily out of desperation or loneliness but because they know the value of a good marriage and want that again. I hope that for myself one day. I learned alot about the sacredness of marriage through my relationship with Dave, and alot about faithfulness and loyalty, and I want to use that one day in another strong relationship. thank you so much for sharing this good news. It made my day! God Bless, Karen
  7. Hey, guys and gals, especially Shellie, please don't worry about me and the grief process. My WONDERFUL pastor, who was at the hospital every day that last stretch, and I sat down and talked about that very thing, the afternoon before Dave passed away. Ginny pointed out a few months ago to me here on the boards that it seemed I was grieving in advance and I didn't realize it but yes I was. I've known for at least a few months that I was going to lose Dave and I started the process then. In fact, the week before Dave died and I took him to the hospital for the very last time, I sobbed my heart out at work every single day. Didn't do a damn piece of work, just sat there with my face in my hands sobbing. I knew it was coming, with the inner instinct only a spouse as close as Dave and I were, knew. Anyway, the pastor said he could see how I had been walking side by side with Dave throughout this entire process, and how I was in step with him and in tune with him 100% and therefore already going through the steps and stages of grief and more or less "keeping up". Trust me, I still have my moments. I constantly want to ask him questions, of course - and then sometimes when I'm alone here at the house I just cry out for him. But I do find incredible peace knowing his pain is gone and he is where he should be. God had a plan for Dave and to have absolute Faith in God one must accept God's plan. Faith is a blind trust. I have a blind trust that Dave is in the Kingdom of Heaven and is fine. It is us, left behind, that suffer because we are deprived of the physical love and companionship we expected to have for a long time to come. But I am determined not to let myself succumb to the feeling of being a victim but instead I'm making sure Faith and I are getting out and being among friends and soaking in as much love and life as we can, not just for the time being but for the long term. We have too many friends that love us not to take advantage of that. Moving will really help with that because we will be living right in the thick of a rather small community where most of our friends happen to live, near daycare and all of Faith's daycare comrades, bunches of Dave's friends that are now my dear friends, in a friendly neighborhood with lots of kids, and more importantly, right in the thick of some decent big box shopping (walmart and target) and bunches of family friendly restaurants. I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. I will say I've done my homework to prepare for this as well. Weekly visits with my clinical psychologist who coached me through clincial depression after not being able to carry a pregnancy. Periodic phone calls with my pastor. Venting to friends when things got frustrating. It all helped me prepare for what I had to accept. Anyway, I lied, I got back on the board, but gotta go now walk the dogs before Faith wakes up. God Bless, Karen
  8. Just a short note and then I'll probably disappear for a while again. Our internet crashed around June 25 and I just got around this morning to getting it back up. missing is any emails sent to me from around June 25 to July 2. Faith and I were supposed to move last week but for numerous reasons it's been delayed, hopefully to on or around July 15. At that point I will have cable high speed internet and I'll probably just wait until then to come on the board and post again. I'm not going back to work for quite some time, and this dial up internet connection is so slow it drives me nuts, plus, I just plain ole' don't have the time to sit here babysitting the computer all day. I am incredibly busy. Just imagine the world of arrangements that need to be made upon the death of a spouse, add to that selling a house, buying a house, and moving and liquidating all of the personal property I will no longer need: boat, tractor, pickup truck, travel trailer, tons of power tools like table saws and miter saws and, yuk, guns. And taking care of a three year old, which involves getting her to daycare every day so I can get SOMETHING done at home. but it's a one hour round trip, each way. two hours a day just getting her out of the house so I can get stuff done. more importantly, though, is keeping her on a routine and as regular a schedule as possible, which seems to be the very best thing for my little angel. I was going to post in the grieving section but I can't honestly say I am grieving. I miss Dave terribly, but am happy that he is with God in Heaven as I know he is. he suffered so much at the end and he made me promise that I would never let him suffer. I tell Faith that Daddy is living with God because God is the only one who could fix Daddy's boo boo and that is true. The docs tried everything they could in the hospital to alleviate his pain but just never could quite get it. I feel awful that happened to him when I made the promise, but on the other hand, he fought so hard, till the bitter end, to live, that he fought himself through alot of pain, never giving up and giving in, and he endured alot more pain than most folks would have just to have every last day he could with Faith and I. Stubborn dear man that he was. One of Dave's best friends - no, I will call him Dave's very best friend - has really been there for Faith and I. She asked him to be her daddy now and he said yes, he loves her so much and is already doing things with her, him and his 15 year old daughter who he has custody of, who in fact has been helping me with everything from babysitting Faith to going through Dave's clothes with me and picking out things for some of her dad's and Dave's friends. so with the help of friends like this little family of two that already feels like a family of four, Faith and I are going to make it, and we won't be too lonely, and having Dave's friends so active in our lives will keep him alive in our hearts and minds because they cherished him as well. After I move and switch ISP's I plan to rejoin the board with a new "handle" under my new email address, so I'll see everyone again later. God Bless, Karen
  9. I'm selfishly posting partly to bump this back up to the top, and partly to add a few thoughts. for all of you who didn't know Dave personally, and that is most of you, I sure wish you had. I found myself saying to the owner of the funeral home, the director of his funeral, the cemetary owner, people like that, I sure wish you had known him, he was a great guy and you would have immediately loved him. Faith and one of her little teachers from daycare (Miss Kim, who is 20, going to nursing school and has babysat Faith alot for us along with her whole family, she lives with her parents), the three of us went to Cracker Barrel for dinner last night and actually had a blast. Faith was in a great mood, really funny, I bought her and Kim each a pair of those funny glasses that are painted like eyes and when you move you head the eyes blink, we went outside and sat in the rocking chairs and she and kim wore the glasses and blinked at each other and we all just laughed and laughed. then we drove over to the "new house" to peek in windows to show Kim, and the guy who lives across the street came home, the day Dave and I looked at the house together, this guy was outside doing yard work and Dave, Mr. Friendly, took off across the court hobbling on his cane to introduce himself and ask questions - so this guy pulled up, saw us, jumped out of his truck and came over and called out, so did you buy it? yes, I said, and then he asked where my husband was and I told him and he was immediately devastated and then his wife and seven year old daughter and baby girl came out and we just talked and talked and they were the best people ever, in fact, she is director of a local daycare. ok Faith is awake now so I should cut this short, but when I got home and got her to bed, I started opening mail and the emotion just poured out with the cards I was reading so I picked up the phone and called Dave's best friend and he calmed me down and I have to say that Dave's friends are really going to pull me through this, they have been great and have promised to always be there for Faith and I. I must say that because of Dave, I am he luckiest person in the whole wide world. gotta run, will post more later. God Bless, Karen
  10. I hope I have time to post all I want to say for now before Faith wakes up. I haven't read a thing of what everyone has posted over the last few days, but I did post a link to Dave's official obit on the obit forum. I wrote it myself. I meant to thank his doctors and forgot, but the pastor will do that for me in the eulogy. I have avoided the board the last few weeks because I knew God was coming for Dave soon and frankly, no one understood that like I did. No one. and I couldn't post that without sounding negative or pessimistic about Dave and I couldn't come on and post and not be honest, so I just avoided the board. last week I knew he wasn't going to last much longer but I hoped he'd make it until we moved into our new house, but thank you God for allowing him the strength to help me choose that house. One week before he went to the hospital he hobbled around the new house which thankfully was vacant, he used a cane, he somehow got himself up the stairs to the second floor, and he liked the house very much. a couple of days later he told me he was very very happy, because he could leave Faith and I knowing we would have a nice place to live after he was gone. the last couple of weeks he was in so much pain but put on his game face and tried to mask it, it just came out in alot of snapping at me, but I knew what it was, but hearing the joy in his voice when he told me that about the house was really something special I'll never forget. sometime later I will post the story of his last week or so, I think it might be helpful to some caregivers, I will post it in the caregivers section, and I think it will help me as well to share it. after I recover from this, get the financial and legal stuff straight, get moved, get settled, I am going to seek out a way to help others going through this, I would like to volunteer in the hospice department Dave ended up in (shall I say, rescued and brought to) but with working full time and having Faith I don't know how I will do that. I may ask for every Wed. off or something like that to volunteer. those people have really made an impact on me. and I stood strong through alot of adversity, I sort of amazed myself actually, so I think I actually have it in me to help others. Faith has been wondering why she hasn't been able to see Daddy in the boo boo house (her own term) this time, so I told her that this time the doctors couldn't fix daddy's boo boo, only God could, so Daddy had to go live with God to get it fixed and he'd have to stay there. she wanted to know if daddy would sleep in God's bed and I told her he would, with God on one side and Jesus on the other. she thought that was pretty funny, then wanted to know if he'd fly to heaven since it was so high in the sky, I said yes, she's been asking if we can fly there too to visit daddy but I told her it was too far for us to go for a long time yet. the questioning seems to stop there, so I think that may be doing the trick. she's mostly annoyed with me because I haven't been picking her up from daycare and I can't today because of the visitation at the funeral home, so I just gotta get through today and then after that, even tomorrow through the funeral, I can be more of a real full time mom to her. she is precious and special beyond belief. by the way, she is going home with one of the daycare teachers today, I'd rather her not be at the funeral home to see Dave, I'll take her home afterwards, but I plan to have her with me through the funeral tomorrow, but I have Dave's best friend's teenage daughter lined up to sit with us to take her out if she gets ansty during the service. she generally does pretty well during a worship service except during the sermon she's been know to say "that man talk too much", ha. I'll go for now, I'm rambling and quite exhausted. I miss Dave alot, but he was really suffering. friends are comning out of the woodwork to assure me that I will not be lonely, and moving back into town will help with that. somehow we'll make it. God Bless, Karen
  11. http://www.legacy.com/TimesDispatch/Leg ... d=14269319
  12. Update: No cancer cells in spinal fluid. I feel like that in itself is a miracle. But he's not lucid and in constant excruiating pain. Right side is numb, can barely lift right arm a few inches. Trying to get SOMEONE to do SOMETHING for him, and got the NP in the onco doc's office working on things. But looks like we're set for a weekend with no clear answers on what happens next. Karen
  13. Hi all. thanks to everyopne who sent a PM. to be honest with you, I haven't even had time to look at them. I just saw a bunch there. things have been rather hectic for me lately, which is a gross understatement. On the practical side of things, in the last week, we sold our house, found a new house, negotiated a contract on it, and now have a solid contract on a new house. it's absolutely perfect in my mind. just what I wanted. in a quiet neighborhood, yet lots of kids for Faith to play with. our house is on a cul de sac on the back of the subdivision, so we have a private backyard surrounded by woods. met one of the neighbors already and he's a nice guy. I can get to daycare in five minutes and on to work from there in another 15. we are closing on our house on the 27th and closing and moving into the new house on the 30th. so you can say we are moving fast, which at this point is very necessary. the house is just a little more money than we wanted to spend, but I love it, Dave likes it alot, and he told me he is very very happy because he knows now that we will be settled into a nice house and well taken care of. this is an important step of closure for him and I'm glad. not glad he needs that closure, but glad he's happy about it. He had a spinal tap yesterday to check for cancer cells in his spinal fluid. we may know the results tomorrow. it really doesn't look like the catheter in the head to put chemo into the spinal fluid thing will work for him but we will see. I just hope like hell he doesn't need it. His pain is increasing every day. It hurts me to the core of my being to see the pain he's in. Don't know what else to say. I guess for a few days, anyway, we're in a wait and see mode on Dave, but moving fast and furious on house closing arrangements. I have a bunch of friends coming over on Saturday to help us get the house packed up. these are folks from the law firm I worked at five years ago. they've all been wonderful to us all along, and I put out a cry for help and within minutes had a bunch of volunteers. well, gotta run, but that's it for now. p.s. Faith had her end of year program at "school" last night and spelled her name out loud into the mike, in fact, she was the first kid to go, and she nailed it, I was so proud of her. the program was held in the church sanctuary which was packed, but Faith picked me out of the crowd and every now and then would give me a little wave from the stage, made my heart soar. The very sad thing was, Dave was in too much pain to go, but his parents came and videotaped it and he actually saw the videotape before Faith and I even got home. well, gotta run, am going over real estate contract with Dave before Faith wakes up. God Bless, Karen
  14. John, yes, it is the intrathecal chemotherapy that the onco doc was talking about. I did a little research on my own and I think you are correct, it is not used for SCLC mets much, I think because the outcome isn't successful enough to justify the installation of the port, which can be pretty bad on a person who is already totally beat up. But we'll see. The spinal tap is Wed. (6/8). Dave's pain is getting worse and worse. He can only walk a few steps and with a cane. It hurts me to see him hurting so much. I don't know what to do or say. So I've said enough. thanks for the nice words. God Bless, Karen
  15. OR, PM me, and give me YOUR email address. I may create an email group here at work. however you prefer. Karen
  16. I'm staying off the board as much as I can for a while longer. we have alot of things to focus on. we JUST SOLD our house this morning, and we have to focus on finding a new house, moving AND Dave's next chapter. but if you want to keep in touch with me, PM me, and I'll give you my email address (at work, the one I use, it's not connected to this account). thanks, Karen
  17. To all, thanks for the kind words. To Cindi and whoever else mentioned Rachel, thanks. I will try to get in touch with her. Fay - thanks for the terminology. I will do some research on that tomorrow. The doctor didn't rule it out, just sorta mentioned it. Good news, we will be presented with a contract on our house tomorrow. it sounds like it is solid and a good offer. we should be able to get into a new house pretty soon, if we can manage to buy one. houses in the area and price range we are looking at are selling literally within minutes of being listed. but the timing will be good as we go into this chapter, to downsize and simplify now so we can totally focus on Dave. Karen
  18. This is Karen. I've been really reluctant to post, but Dave asked me to, he's not typing very well and not remembering things very well. We met with his oncologist today. To recap, his spine is COVERED with tumors (saturated may be the word), he has a 7 cm (2.5 to 3 inches) tumor in his liver, and three brain mets. We met with the neurosurgeon (who does the gamma knife) on Tuesday, he said he can zap the brain mets, but the spine is a big issue. well, by yesterday, Dave was really feeling his spine. It is amazing to me, after seeing his spine on the pet scan, how he can even walk. but he is constantly loaded up on oxycontin, oxycodone and gabapentin (for nerve pain). Sooo, the oncologist said, what we are going to do is this, the neurosurgeon is going to do a spinal tap early next week to check the spinal fluid for cancer cells. If there are cancer cells in his spinal fluid, there is not much we can do for you. (he did mention some procedure where they put some sort of port in your head to deliver chemo directly into your spine, but didn't have alot to say about it, meaning he wasn't that impressed with it I guess - anyone who knows anything about this or has input please post). If there is cancer in the spinal fluid there is really nothing they can do for Dave and it will probably be hospice time. If there isn't, they will try more chemo, especially to try to get that liver tumor and do what they can to the spine mets, and will look into radiation on his spine, BUT, he probably has already had the max amount of radiation his spine can take when he had chest radiation - they zapped him from the front, side, and back, hitting the spine. The radiation oncologist is going to check on this. His platelet count is dropping drastically, and he hasn't had chemo in two months (because it was killing his platelets and hemaglobin). It's gone in two weeks from 130,000 to 97,000 to 86,000 on Monday, 68,000 today. It's got to be the tumor in the bones eating up the bone marrow doing this, sure isn't chemo doing it. I'm sick and devastated, but determined to put on my game face and make the most of the precious little bit of time we may have left together. There could be a miracle yet, and he could beat this yet, but it's really looking bad. For those of you who only want to see or hear nothing but hope and optimism, I'm running low on it right now, I'm running on reality. But hey, if there's three months left, that's three months - that's SOMETHING. Dave is being very brave. He is strong and a fighter. He is having some bad moments, emotionally, that only I see (and Faith unfortunately) but those moments are understandable. I admire him for his fight and determination. Prayers please, as we move through what could be the last chapter of a hard fought battle. God Bless, Karen
  19. You forgot the liver tumor, which is now 7 cm. your DW, Karen
  20. Yep, looks like we will be nuking the three brain tumors in the brain with radio surgery. TYhe Neurosurgeon said he was going to set it up in 2 or 3 weeks.He was also concerned about the mets to my spine. When he brought up the scans on the computer of my spine it looked like the Milky Way, the way it lit up. My Doc said it was something he may want to take care of first. Hw will be consulting with my other Docs and we may end up radiating the spine first instead of the brain. We should hear something by early next week. OH!!! Yeah, almost forgot, this news came after spending 23 hours in the ER getting my breathing under control with no sleep. David C
  21. Thank you all so much for your thoughts an prayers. Look for my post under General. David C
  22. I went to get a PET scan of my head and brain today. I went to the Virginia Commonwealth University Medical College (phew!) which the Massey Cancer Institute is a part of.I will not find out the results until Tuesday. We are looking to see if my tumors need to be Gamma Knifed. I did not even notice that they had a new machine but I really should have because I .....fit in it better. It used to be a pretty tight squeeze for me to get all the way in the machine but this time there was plenty of room. They got a new machine I have never heard of. It is a "PET/CT Hybrid Scanner". It combines the PET images and the CT images together so that the Radiologist can see more detail. You can really tell the difference in the pictures in the pamplet we picked up. The pamplet also said that the Hybrid will result in earlier diagnosis's of cancer. I have not done any searches on the internet and know only what was in the pamplet but it sounds like a great advancement in scanning abilities. On a brighter note, we have been packing, packing, packing getting the house showable. My Mom and Dad have been working themselves ragged, It is a shame when your 70ish year old parents have more energy than I do at 40, ha,ha. They have been true saints. Our realtor brought a couple of high school footballplayers out a few days ago and they got the river bank looking better than it ever has. We are hoping for a quick sale in a few weeks without compromising our asking sales price. We actually have people comming to look at it this weekend so Karen Faith and I are going to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg on Sat. I have rented a scooter for the day. Not sure what the plan is for the rest of the weekend but I am sure will find a cookout somewhere even if we have to go have one of our own!!! Ok I have rambled enough here, I mainly wanted let you all know about the "PET/CT Hybrid Scanner" You are all in my prayers each and every day. Remember, God cannot answer prayers he cannot hear. David C
  23. Debi, I know you must have in hell, I am so sorry you had to go through it. I cannot imagine. Actually that music was what I listened to in High School. You are a very good, discriptive writer and I agree you should submit this for publication. Keep your chin up and tell your body to put ALL your cancer cells on the Highway to Hell!!!!! David C
  24. I have to agree with Fay. If you start feeling worse and the SOB increases, any, then get yo' butt to the draining table. I sat on my tusch today and did absolutely nothing while everybody was packing up the Suburban for trips to storage. You hang in there and I hope and pray that you will be able to get some rest and get some strength back. David C
  25. Cindy, I am sorry to inform you that I cannot approve of the humble abode you describe as your new home. That kitchen is clearly not large enough for a properly stocked bar and all your kitchen gadgets and such. You will have to move AGAIN!! OK,OK just kidding. Sounds like you really like it there and I seriously hope you enjoy it. It sounds nice with the Missippi (sp?) river and with a lot of colleges there there will always be energy in the town. We presently have a few high school kids moving boxes, large furniture and misc. stuff to our storage place. We are working hard to get our house sold and move closer into town. My mom, dad and Karen have been working thier tusch's off decluttering the house. Again congrats on the sucsessful move and god bless you. By the way save me a Sam Adams. David C
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